It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Blackpink – Lovesick Girls

Blackpink couldn’t keep doing versions of “Ddu-du Ddu-du” forever, and their latest song is a throwback to the YG girl group sound of old.  It’s also the label’s best track in years, where the songwriting standard finally meets the production standard halfway.

Aura – Now (DYFMA)

As generic as they come.

Yoyomi – Breaking Bread

This is like if someone baked pure aegyo into a brick and started bashing you over the head with it.  Offensively cheerful.

Taeyeon ft. Chanmina – #GirlsSpkOut

Not much of a song sadly, and with one of k-pop’s most cringe English intros ever in typical SM style, but it’s great to finally see an antidote to all of k-pop’s incessant street harassment videos.

Youha – Island

It lacks that extra something to make it extra special, but whatever this is, it’s actually pretty good.

Song Minkyung – Baby

Sounds a bit like Hong Jin Young’s excellent “Cheer Up” if you play it at 2x speed – pity the producers of the song didn’t think of that.

Yi Saebom – Bitter

How bitter do you have to be to spell out “bitter” in Scrabble letters.

Wei – Twilight

Plodding, rambling and boring.

Sogumm & Ohhyuk – Yayou Hoi

Equally painful and jarring to both watch and listen to.

SF9 – Shine Together

I wonder which crazy fan got their letter in the video at 1:13, they must be happy but unfortunately for the rest of us this song sucks.

Y&W – Thirsty Now

Koeran boy-pop by numbers tends to ride heavily on the back of production skills.  Take that away and it becomes painfully obvious how little song there is.

M.O.N.T – September Hills

What “September Hills” are they talking about exactly?  If they don’t specify the latitude and longitude of these hills in their song lyrics, how can I be convinced of their emotional sincerity?

Treasure – B.L.T (Bling Like This)

Aw, they’re so cute.  Enjoy them now before your biases secret rape dungeon gets exposed in five years.

Boyhood – Boring Home

If this is what we have to put up with because of travel bans, maybe Bolsonaro was right, let’s just spread the virus everywhere, fuck it.

O.K ft. Heo Youngsaeng – Why Are U OK?

A potentially good song but the needless modulations and one of the worst rap breaks I’ve ever heard (if you can even call it that) prevent this song from really getting anywhere.

The Midnight Romance – On My Own

I feel like this would sound a lot better if the singer wasn’t affecting some weird weasel-strangulation voice.

Sweden Laundry ft. Choi Yu Ree – Stay With Me

Look at that guitar player.  She has literally nothing to do.  This is easily the most boring music I’ve ever seen with a Gretsch guitar in the video.

Crispy Monster ft. Ohnew – Love Your Everything

I’ve seen people do that “nature mic stand” thing before, but not with that particular plant.

GyeongseoYeji – Why Has Your Love Changed

I love how all the comments in English are basically “this is so great but who the fuck are these nugus”.  Don’t tell them that the reason why they’ve never heard of this group before is that there are about 1000 active ones in Korea exactly like this, all making exactly the same generic type of ballad.

Song Pureum, Lee JinSeok, Kim Mina – If I Could Be Your Love

See, it could just as easily be this song, by some even more nugus, with less than 100 views.  I could fill an entire roundup with nothing but this type of thing, easily.  The only reason why I don’t do this, or pump out endless Nugu Alerts with this type of content, is I actually like to sometimes give a fuck about what I’m writing about.  I didn’t start getting into k-pop thinking it would turn into a desk job where I listen to shit ballads all day.

Oddchild – Bad Shit

Accurate song title of the week.

Aoora – Twerk (Balança A Bunda)

This is about on the level of Rain’s “Gang“, although that song was a little better than this.  Even the post-second-chorus-change-in-your-area can’t save it.  I like how he’s trying to give off straight energy by dancing with girls, nobody is fooled though.

Hippo x Anxiety Yee – Maybe

One for furries only.

MQ x Loey – Clock Breeze

Why does this crap have more than ten views can someone please explain.

Meenoi ft. pH-1 – Da Da!

Meenoi is kind of cute actually, which makes the boring song slightly more tolerable.

Goopy – Like A Star

How come Lizzy couldn’t dangle oranges out of a car window without getting tons of hate, but this guy can dangle his whole orange-haired ass out of a moving car and sing his song and gets a free pass.

Kirin – An Dweh

The visuals are nauseating with all that blur but I guess it suits the crappy music so whatever.

None – Doremifa

Why is this song named after the solmisation of the major scale when he does nothing but warble around the pentatonic scale instead like a typical boring R&B fuckhead.

Yumdda – Bentley 1.5

I want to see the behind the scenes for this video with the guy fucking up getting in and out of that stupid car a whole bunch of times and nearly crashing it into the logs.

Yella ft. J.Yung – Fireworks!

Does he know that if you light a sparkler during the day at the beach, nobody can see it?  I guess the world looks different in a bucket hat.  Like life in dark mode.

Jeebanoff ft. G1nger – Good Thing

Why even have the female guest at all if she’s going to do the exact same boring shit that he’s doing.

Jay Park, Golden, pH-1 – Afternoon

Jay’s one-song-per-week musical diet continues but I think he needs to book another doctor visit to reassess this plan.

Wooks – Movie Star

I don’t give a wook.

Gray, Ujoo Ham – Nothing But Rain

A boring song and they don’t even eat that BBQ meat.  Where’s LA Galbi when you need them.  They wouldn’t tolerate leaving it on the plate I’m sure.

Rockit Girl – My Love

Looks like the whole band is just Leeseul now, at least visually.  I’m okay with this, and hey they still sound great!

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

T-ara – Sexy Love at MMTG

It’s 2020 and the four remaining T-ara girls have all improved drastically in attractiveness since they were last doing stuff together a few years back.  Hyomin’s boobs are highly underrated and need their own stage, and Eunjung looks great even despite her horrible white suit thing and the long hair which doesn’t suit her and never has.  “Anyone in [random new group x] caught your eye?” – stop asking me that bullshit, I’m still fapping to these four and probably will be for quite some time, I’m good thanks.  Actually it’s kind of cool that Soyeon and Boram aren’t in the group any more because it just makes the group even hotter on average, I was never really that into Soyeon, and I’m not into incest either.  I love my mother, but not in that way.

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That’s all for Kpopalypse roundup!  More next week!