It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Lovelyz – Obliviate

Some really nice sounds here, but the song itself is lagging behind – this is not the Lovelyz track we all wanted.

CLC – Helicopter

I identify as a CLC song that’s not as good as their other recent songs.

Lunarsolar – Oh Ya Ya Ya

The usual braindead tropical garbage that mysteriously still hasn’t completely died for some reason.  Who is fraudulently talking people into the idea that there is some money left in this style. 

Tier 4 – Summer Fire

There’s no theoretical reason why a k-pop group comprising all streamers couldn’t be good, but this song sucks anyway.

3YE – On Air

2020, please turn tropical shithouse over and put a fork in it, it’s done.

Yooa – Bon Voyage

Masturbatory, self-important “how offended should you be about a pop music video, well here’s how offended I am” complaint articles by armchair cultural theorists in 3… 2… 1…

Kim Namjoo – Bird

The trash I delay roundup for.

Jamie ft. Changmo – Numbers

The Jessification of Park Jimin is one of the saddest stories in k-pop.  I guess there’s a reason why JYP didn’t “give her a song” for all those years, he was trying to save us all.

Ruamin – Green Light

Some coffee shop thing you can ignore safely.

A.C.E – Goblin (Favorite Boys)

If you can look past the fact that it’s not the hardstyle comeback we all wanted, it’s actually really good.  It’s amazing what a few actual chord changes and sticking to one consistent harmonic scheme can do for boy group comebacks.

SuperM – Tiger Inside

On the other end of the spectrum we have stuff like this, which is just a mess really.  It’s not as disastrous as EXO’s infamous “Wolf“, but I think we should have a moratorium on SM songwriters making songs about animals because it never turns out well.

Super Junior D&E – B.A.D

Random people driving by in vehicles doing stupid shit looks dumb in metal videos and it looks dumb here too.

Wonho – Open Mind

This song is just a typical funk-style boy group thing like any other but holy shit look at that body, I don’t think anyone else stands a fucking chance in 2021’s objectification survey unless Rok Kiss get big, or Shindong does a male stripper concept.

Jackson Wang & Galantis – Pretty Please

Possibly the ultimate “male creep annoys the fuck out of some random chick and of course she falls for him eventually for no reason” k-pop video, if you’ve ever wanted to be a rapist get your how-to training right here, this’ll teach you better than 1000 JAVs.

Taemin – Criminal

Easily the best solo song Taemin has ever done, thanks to actually having proper songwriting with melodies, hooks and all that other stuff he’s forgotten to include the last 26 times he did a song.

B1A4, Oh My Girl, ONF – Ours

It’s actually not quite as awful as I thought it was going to be when I saw them all these in those white clothes lining up like a school yearbook photo shoot.

Luli Lee – Ashby Road

It’s almost good but it’s a bit too plodding to have any impact.  I recommend 1.5x speed.

Hyangni ft. Telefonist – Aromatherapy

You know that all the Korean government anti-drug rhetoric is just for show when Hyangni are allowed to make music freely and nobody is stopping them.

Quinn_ – Diaper Revolution

Well it certainly sounds like shit so it makes sense that diapers would be needed.

South Club – Rock Star

Every time a band does that “Abbey Road” walking-across-a-pedestrian-crossing thing, just turn it off straight away as nothing good ever comes from anyone who thinks that is a good idea.

Lanalogue – Driri

I like it how they’re in prison clothes, hopefully it gives someone a few ideas.

Papagumpa – Life Is A Merry-Go-Round

I initially thought this guy was the most energetic trot singer ever and then I realised that I still had my video playback speed on 1.5x from the Luli Lee video.

GooseBumps ft. Gray, Hoody, Elo & DeVita – Somewhere

The CGI performers in the video night look stiff and awkward, but they still aren’t as plastic and expressionless as the music.

Devine Channel ft. Loopy, Chanyeol – Faded

How does it have only 30 dislikes.

Junoflo feat. Miknna – Back Home

Don’t drive sports cars in music videos, there is no excuse.

Jay Park, pH-1, Big Naughty, Woodie Gochild, Haon, Trade L, Sik-K – The Purge

Even though he can’t really rap, I still like Jay Park more as a rapper than anything else he’s ever done.

Reddy – Baby Driver

Different doesn’t always mean good.  If you ordered a steak and instead the waiter shat on the plate and served you his poop instead, you’d admit that it was different and innovative but you probably wouldn’t eat it.

Dneirf – Mischief

I love the thumbnail for this one, perfect choice – they wrote the review for me!

Bizzy – Once In My Life

What poop.  Isn’t Bizzy some old school guy who is supposed to know what he’s doing or something like that.

Junhyeok Seo – In My Clouds

Are you ready for a slow, meandering ambient R&B thing?  No?  Me neither.

Dayday, Shupie, Baesuyong – Body Language

No song called “Body Language” in the history of music has ever been any good.  Even Queen couldn’t make anything decent of it, what hope have these guys got.

Damye – Sorry We’re Closed

It’s okay, I wasn’t buying anyway.

Song Wonsub ft. MuSchiz – Each Other

Okay, so why is just about every comment on this video in Russian, someone enlighten me please.

Aalia – My Blue Moon

You could take naps in between the beats in this song.

JK Kim Dong Uk – Roleplay

I wish this person roleplayed as a songwriter who actually wrote decent music.

Kim Jiwoo – Han River

I got excited thinking this was a Chuu solo song but actually it’s just some ballad like every other ballad.

Mia ft. Nafla – Not A Fairytale

Snore.

Mail & Bily Acoustie – Love Signal

This is just a study in how to make porn, set to really boring music.

Hickee – Wizard

I don’t really care about singing quality and tone generally speaking as long as the song is good, but I love all the people in the comments for this video pretending her voice is the best thing ever when it sounds like something you could use to clean rust out of deadlocks.

20 Years Of Age ft. Juniel – Run Dawn

Holy shit what happened to Juniel.  Maybe it’s just the blonde hair changing my perception of everything else but she really does look even more like a robot than her early 2010’s IU-clone incarnation, a feat I didn’t think was even possible.

KissN – Luv Scars

A past nugu alert feature is no guarantee of music quality.

JeA, Cheetah, Oh Hayoung, Seo Eunkwang, Parc Jaejung – With A Song

Wow, this can get fucked.

BoA – Little Bird

If you like to look at BoA a lot, this video delivers.  Not sure it’s delivering on much else though.

Babybus x Laboum – Smile Pop Pop

Here’s one that people need to explain to me because what the fuck even is this really.

BTS – IONIQ: I’m On It

Hahaha, BTS, what a failure of a group.  No fans (who aren’t insane zombies), no songs, certainly no integrity (which is fine and dandy after all it’s k-pop but let’s not kid ourselves), they’re as empty and fraudulent as that house they’re singing in with most of the walls missing.  Just giving my haters something to screencap and share around, enjoy kids and remember bike safety. 

Yoyomi – Come See Me

Can Yoyomi save roundup from itself this week?  The song is pretty good, not sure about Yoyomi’s look here as she seems drastically uncomfortable for some reason like she’s wearing ultra-constrictive undergarments, maybe that’s what they need to do to get that kind of singing out of her.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Blackpink Lisa Manoban: Plastic Surgery (2016-2020) – Lifting the veil

Can you imagine the hate Lorry Hill receives – she actually has to put a “don’t send me death threats you spineless weak kids” disclaimer right at the start of her video, now that’s really saying something.  She’s certainly proven that she’s a k-pop fan herself as she’s prepared this well in response to the inevitable hate and knows just how rabid fans can be, only someone who actually follows fandom zomboid behaviour closely would know to do that in advance.  I don’t know anywhere near enough about plastic surgery to know whether her observations about Blackpink’s Lisa are correct, stuff like the smile curl thing (which I’ve seen in Japanese “lolita fashion” models but not k-pop) seems like a little bit of a reach to me, but then this woman has clearly had a few rounds of plastic surgery herself and surely knows a lot more about it than I do so I’ll bow to her obvious expertise on it.  Not that it matters to me, Lisa looks great and I don’t really care how the fuck she got that look, none of my business anyway.  What I do know is Lorry Hill is doing a great job of farming those hate-clicks (which are only making her video more relevant) while maintaining a steadfastly neutral tone throughout.  If anything she’s at pains to point out how beautiful Lisa is time and time again and it does kind of get on the nose (no pun intended) a bit, the fact that Blackpink “fans” are dumping so much hate on her anyway just goes to show that k-pop fandoms really are like a religious cult where if you’re not 100% on board with the party line you’re treated like an outcast who deserves to have their life ruined.  The breaking down of Lisa’s facial parts is interesting enough, but the outing of k-pop fandom toxicity (which exists in ALL k-pop fandoms, but is a hell of a lot more noticeable with the bigger ones) is the real value of content like this.

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That’s all for this week’s Kpopalypse roundup – more next week!