It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Blackpink ft. Selena Gomez – Ice Cream
Oh my lord what a piece of trash. Your bias has not enough lines? Should have wished for them to have no lines at all in this garbage, if I were in a k-pop group I’d pay good money for the privilege of sitting this one out.
Oh My Girl & Keanu Silva ft. Mougleta – Rocket Ride
Oh My Girl’s stab at the weak-as-piss western collab isn’t much better.
Seventeen – 24h
Why aren’t Seventeen as big as BTS, I want to know. Both groups make boring average music that is neither overly good or bad for boring average people to enjoy while taking the elevator between floors at work. Oh that’s right, Seventeen are on Pledis who have no idea about anything. How could I forget.
Botopass – Flamingo
I’m surprised this isn’t downvoted to hell given that this is apparently the “bully group” made up of all those ANS members, but then maybe this generic latin garbage is just too bland for anyone to stay awake long enough to move their mouse over to the thumbs down icon.
Sori – Initial S
Just a couple days after I posted about Jvcki Wai being cool because she rides motorbikes, Sori gets her bike licence and zooms in with easily her best song ever. Kpopalypse impact.
Park Moonchi Universe – We’re Cool
It’s no fun when they know it’s crap. Part of the appeal of watching 90s Korean idol pop was that you knew they were trying really hard to be good.
Ellie ft. Olltii – Way Up
That horrible sound we all hate. I don’t even need to say its name anymore, do I.
Kasper ft. Han Yohan – Over Summer
Wow Kasper looks even more bored here than when I interviewed her.
Day6 (Even Of Day) – Where The Sea Sleeps
More like where the songwriter sleeps.
Sole – Mm Mm
More boring R&B.
Swan – Call This Love
To think I held back the roundup for this. Sad times.
Kard – Gunshot
Never mind what I think, where’s the Asian Junkie coverage of this new KARD song? He’s become such a Dreamcatcher fanboy lately, he’s probably disparagingly calling anyone also into KARD a “multi-fan” these days.
Seven O’clock – Hey There
It’s that horrible sound we all hate again but Seven O’clock actually do something much better with it than their competition by remembering to have chord changes and a melody that doesn’t just fuck around with that one Latin interval over and over.
OnlyOneOf – A Song Of Ice & Fire
GroovyRoom are being really weird lately, occasionally producing actual music instead of the normal crap they do. This song isn’t great but it’s a lot better than anything with their name on it usually is.
GroovyRoom ft. Golden – FYL
I mean, usually it’s crap like this that nobody cares about. Strange.
Elris – White Love
Some very good instrumental choices can’t save a song that is just a little too sugar-coated for its own good.
Superfive – All Eyes On Me
Every male group does their “spy concept” eventually, even the trot ones.
NTX – Black Hole
Imagine that you’re a brand new k-pop group about to shoot your first video and this is what your agency do. “I waited three years for someone to drag a camera into the practice room”.
M.O.N.T – Shadow
M.O.N.T do their best to make us hate Korea again with more bad music.
EXO-SC ft. Moon – 1 Billion Views (Mar Vista Remix)
Someone listened to EXO-SC’s generic “1 Billion Views” and thought to themselves “hmm, not generic enough, someone might actually be interested in this music, we can’t risk that – can we give it exactly the same dance beat as the last 20 years of club music thanks”.
Kim Yohan – No More
Oh, Zion T produced it, that explains a lot. I can certainly empathise with the “I can’t take it no more” chorus hook.
Lee Eunsang ft. Park Woojin – Beautiful Scar
Really cool backings ruined by the usual worthless boy-group style melodies where they just sort of faff around the blues scale endlessly and pose a lot.
Demian – Yes
Truly one of the worst R&B atrocities in recent memory and that’s saying a lot given how bad this type of music usually is.
Holocity – The Days
These videos where they try to be all 80s by posing with half a dozen CRT TVs are really funny and have no retro vibes at all, because back in the 80s those things were expensive and we had to save for months just to buy one of them. If you actually owned six of them you wouldn’t film a music video, you’d sell them and put a deposit on a house. Only mega-rich stars could do the whole “look at the TVs flickering in the background, we live in a society” thing back then.
Sýn Hjang – Kiss
Actually kind of nice, if not that exciting.
Silica Gel – Kyo181
Let’s make a sound out of just one melody replayed over and over. It’s as boring as it sounds, like the Korean Rock equivalent of Daft Punk.
Jaedal – Soom
Epilepsy warning my ass, I’ve seen worse.
Gracie – Run
Running sounds like a good idea.
Gracie ft. Bryn – Bad!
Accurate song title of the week.
Choilb, Euroko Pizza – Moon
It seems outrageous now but back in the day this type of style was considered the weak shit that didn’t go hard enough.
Ahn Byeong Woong ft. Khakii – Pour
Well at least there’s a fence between me and them, that’s something. Let’s keep this type of music behind the chicken wire.
Sik-K, pH-1, Woodie Gochild, Jay Park, Trade L – Team
Jay Park is doing a lot of these rap collabs lately and while this one is pretty lame I guess it beats some R&B bullshit.
Khundi Panda ft. Hippy Was Gipsy – Home
Visually great despite being just head shots all the way through. Pity the music is crap but you can always turn it down.
Fresh Boyz – TBT
I covered this group all the way back in the very first Kpopalypse Nugu Alert six years ago, and they’re still kicking, as nugu as ever.
Gorymurgy – Mammal Tree
Boring breakup drama videos aren’t just for boring ballads!
Ji Dongkuk – I Cry (Rock Ver.)
In the ballad section the boys and girls are actually kissing and making up this week.
Huh Gak – Without You
How come everyone’s talking about Subin’s great acting and not the fact that she looks like she weighs 26kg and is about to pass out at any moment.
Nautilus – Sorry
Nautilis is an insta-ban in League Of Legends and I think the same should apply to roundup.
Oh My Girl – Bara Bam
I think I’m going to make Pororo songs ineligible for the Kpopalypse worst-lists, otherwise the worst-lists is just going to be Pororo songs and nothing else, which would be accurate, but a boring read.
Weeekly – Boomchiki
Even this furry sports shit (what a combination) from Weeekly is significantly less creepy.
Some song with cats in the video
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
When We Disco – cover by You’s Drum (Youkyung, ex-AOA)
Youkyung is legitimately great. Proper disco style alternating sixteenth-beats are just as much of an art and just as hard to get perfectly in time and correct as all that crazy fast double-kick action that drummers wet themselves over. Youkyung here is cruising through it like it’s nothing at all, making it look super easy but this is actually one of the hardest styles of drumming to do.
That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!