It’s time to re-do the Kpopalypse bias list for 2020! Who will get on? Who will get off (besides me)?  All the trufax is right here!

Regular Kpopalypse readers have all probably either participated in or at the very least read the results of the objectification surveys – but I do not participate in those myself other than to count your votes and write about them, so they are not reflective of the opinion of Kpopalypse, but the reader base (and wherever the reader base deems to spread the voting questions).  However, the Kpopalypse bias list is 100% all about my opinion and nothing else. Note that this is a list of pure “meeting required standards” only, and therefore is roughly analogous to the “most attractive” segment of the objectification survey, although sometimes aspects other than raw physical appearance do play a factor, because attractiveness isn’t just about appearance, after all.

Know that the Kpopalypse bias list is always in a state of flux and receives consistent updates, as new people become a k-pop and are thus eligible, while others stop being a k-pop and are therefore no longer eligible.  Furthermore, k-poppers may come to the attention of myself through various activities, and others who have been less active may begin to be prioritised lower as they cease to provide “material”.  Let’s take a look at 2020’s Kpopalypse bias list!

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THE KPOPALYPSE 2020 BIAS LIST

#1 – SUHYUN – AKMU

Even though she right now has a horrible light brown shoulder-length dye job that doesn’t suit her at all, plus dresses like your grandmother at almost every possible opportunity, Suhyun still easily tops the bias list yet again because you can always change your hair back and clothes can come off and on easily enough but you can’t ever really convincingly “undo” plastic surgery, and she still hasn’t gone down that road, thank fuck.  Here’s hoping it stays that way, don’t do a Raina on me, girl.

Aside from being more attractive than whatever generic-looking k-pop girl you’re stanning right now, Suhyun is just a girl who makes quality life decisions.  Look at the first-class social distancing here.  Okay, so I’m sure that she had to have five audio engineers in those flats just to set up all the cabling, but it’s still a good example, right?  She won’t be catching the COVID anytime soon unlike your latest irresponsible k-pop boy.

She’s a lot more confident now too, as we can see in the above video which is one of the only instances I’ve found of her dressing flatteringly in the last 12 months.  And she should be confident too, because she’s so great.  Maybe all the puffing up she’s been getting on this blog over the years has helped her self-esteem a bit.  Stan Suhyun.

#2 – YUA MIKAMI – HONEY POPCORN

Is Honey Popcorn even still a thing or is she just doing j-shits now?  I’m not sure, as Honey Popcorn have been very quiet lately, however it’s impossible to remove Yua Mikami from the #2 spot this year at least until I get an official confirmation of disbandment, simply because she makes research for my posts easier than any other idol.  Who knows what mutant laboratory creations lie under the clothes of most k-pop idols, there could be anything under there, however with Yua there’s no doubt that I know exactly what I’m getting, and that what I’m getting is quality.

If there’s one takeaway that I got from my objectification survey results this year it’s that despite my gentle encouragement, a surprisingly low percentage of readers are fans of Korean dramas.  Yua didn’t manage to ascend to picture status in any single category this year, despite several excellent performances.  She should have at least aced the legs category (as the above video demonstrates, SSNI-618 in case you’re wondering) but she didn’t even receive an honourable mention.  Don’t worry, I will continue to educate and inform you.

#3 – EUNJUNG – T-ARA

I don’t really know what Eunjung does these days either, but I assume she’ll sing in something again at some point in the next ten years.  Honestly that’s good enough for me because in the meantime she’s pretty good about appearing in front of the camera doing all sorts of other random shit which generally involves her looking great.

She’s even gracious too – she’ll sit there for 8 minutes on her YouTube channel doing a dumb MBTI test on her phone even though MBTI was debunked in the 1980s and not a single person in the field of psychology still believes in that crap.  She’s too nice to tell you that you’re a dumb k-pop fan who can be sold literally anything.

#4 – UZA

Have you bought UZA’s new album “Banality Of Evil” yet?  If not, why not, cunt?  You can purchase it here on Bandcamp for the measly low, low price of $7 USD, however in Australia I remember having to pay $35 for CD import albums when I was younger so that’s how much I paid for UZA’s album, and that’s how much you should pay too (if you can afford).  Actually it was more like $50 for me once the Australian exchange rate came into play because our money isn’t worth shit, but all that cash I’ve been earning thanks to COVID might as well go somewhere good.  Worth it just for “S.O.S”, really.

Of course UZA is also attractive.  I’ve been trying to phase her out of these rankings just a little so she doesn’t have to deal with people pretending to want to collab with her when they actually want to creep on her, because nobody wants to deal with that kind of false-pretence nonsense, but I still need to have her on these lists anyway as a reminder to all my readers that while it’s all very well to love the k-pops independent artists do need your support.

#5 – MOKO SAKURA – HONEY POPCORN

Possibly the epitome of “innocence” in k-pop today, Moko Sakura has it all – a great k-pop group, pure innocent charms and an intact reputation!  Drugs and dating scandals?  Not our Moko, who at 29 years old remains pure, warm and sweet like freshly heated corn syrup.

It probably does help that she also has an impressive Korean drama resume.  Don’t forget to check out her Korean drama appearances, which are just as thespian-friendly as Yua’s.  Don’t worry, if you’ve missed any lately I’ll do another one of my recaps as soon as there is any more Honey Popcorn activity, or they officially call it quits, whatever comes first.

#6 – EUNHA – GFRIEND

“Apple” is possibly the worst look Eunha has ever had, however anyone who has ever followed Gfriend knows that Eunha has always wanted to do the sexy sultry sex bombshell “I swallow dick by the truckload” thing, I mean this is the girl who cosplayed Gain.  As a result she still gets in this list, because who am I to tell a girl she can’t follow her dreams.

I mean sure, she doesn’t pull it off at all, but it’s a really cute attempt, and making effort is important even if you fail.  I hope that she does get all the k-pop man meat out of it that she wants, and that in five years time she’ll go on a variety show and talk about how her boyfriend first noticed her in “Apple”.

#7 – VIVI – LOONA

Lines?  Screentime?  Those things are for losers.  I’m quite sure Vivi is happy to let all the younger, noisier girls go up the front while she quietly remains the only girl in the group who actually looks good on those square-peg-in-a-round-hole “So What” stages.

Also check out the total flexibility (from 1:11 in the video above).  As the most inflexible person in the world who was never able to touch my toes or do somersaults even as a child (and I was bone-skinny, too) I totally admire anybody who can do any of that shit. 

#8 – IU

With “Eight”, IU came back with her most fappable video appearance since “Through The Night“.  Of course it’s not much of a song (being produced by a BTS member was never going to go well musically) but this list isn’t about song quality, and IU only gets better as she ages.

She can even look amazing rocking a granny nightie and blue-rinse hair.  When it’s time for me to get dementia and be sent into the retirement home, I’ll think of this and go quietly, hoping that all the women in there look like IU.

#9 – EUNYONG – JAMBINAI

You are forgiven for not noticing this, but Eunyong, the woman who plays the geomungo in Jambinai (that’s the very large instrument that resembles a Japanese koto), is next-level attractive.  Of course Jambinai have a very stoic, serious and aegyo-free vibe so this isn’t attractiveness in the traditional adorkable k-pop idol sense, but it exists nevertheless and should be acknowledged.

While the “[insert bias here] please step on me” masochism of k-pop fans is really cringe and boneheaded, with Eunyong somehow it seems more appropriate.  She doesn’t make me want to write shipping fanfiction so much as sever my own cock off with a razor blade, wrap it in a towel and place it at her feet while I bow repeatedly and apologise for my existence.

#10 – YVES – LOONA

It’s a very sad day when I have to change my bias list because of someone’s passing.  RIP Sulli, you will be missed, so I need to move Yves back up into the top ten this year because she is basically Sulli 2.0 and it will somewhat lessen the grief of my favourite k-pop caonima no longer existing in the present tense.

It remains to be seen whether Yves will eventually resemble Sulli in attitude as well as appearance, but here’s hoping.  I reckon after a few more years having to put up with Blockberry and all the other Loona girls she might finally be pushed over the edge and will knock on Han Seo Hee’s apartment at 2am one day and say “give me all the drugs and find me an oppar to hug and kiss, even though I’m lesbian I’m a little bi-curious, is Wonho available”.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

#11 – JVCKI WAI

Always looking more like a collage art piece than an actual human dressing in clothes, Jvcki Wai still looks better than everyone else in Korean hip-hop, even if she doesn’t always sound better.  Maybe she’s someone who read that boobs-harness post and decided to buy up every single harness in existence in case there was a sudden market surge.  If so, someone should tap her on the shoulder and tell her that my blog may not be the best indicator of fashion market trends, but that she looks great anyway.

Having said that the real reason that her attractiveness is so boosted is just because of the confidence that she projects which is about ten times more than anybody else in k-pop.  Just riding a motorbike in a video gets her mad points because how many times do k-pop girls actually get on a moving motorbike that’s actually moving for real and not stationary with a bit of CGI in the background, not too many.

#12 – DAHYUN – TWICE

Dahyun is a natural-born TV MC with personality to burn, which is why she gets Jeongyeon’s spot in this list.  I really noticed during the Twice online live concert how engaging she was, and she had me nodding along to every word even when she was talking some absolute fucking bullcrap, which was most of the time.

Dahyun’s piano skills are also legit.  This makes her inherently biasable because whenever I look at her I always think about the completely undateable piano-playing girls at my high school that I always wanted to get to know.  If I knew when they repeatedly told me to fuck off that they were preparing me for a life of Dahyun appreciation I probably would have been more grateful for the rejection.

#13 – SEHYUNG – BERRY GOOD

Sehyung’s profile with k-poppers is still so damn low that I have to reuse this fancam that I also used in the previous year’s bias list post simply because there hasn’t been any new fancams worth a damn and this is actually the only video I can find of her that is in any way recent.  Sad times.  Anyway Sehyung is the real visual in Berry Good, not Johyun who just looks like every other idol ever but with 10% more tits (which is not a bad thing, but not enough on its own for bias list inclusion).

#14 – CHUU – LOONA

Someone wrote to me a while back and said they felt unattractive because they had a body like Chuu.  Sure, Chuu isn’t conventionally attractive in that boring generic way but then neither is that guitar player in that punk band I had a crush on for ten years.  Attractiveness isn’t about fitting into a body archetype, it’s about finding a style and confidence that works for you.  I mean look at my #1 on this list.  Remember this, caonimas who may feel less than attractive.

Chuu is great.  In the above video someone finally got her to slow down and do an OST ballad and she still can’t stop aegyoing every two seconds when she’s not singing.  When other girls do it, it just looks like weak fake shit, but when Chuu does it I think “this is 100% real and the kind of positivity I need in my life”.  So either she’s faking it and therefore the best actress ever, or for real and therefore the best person ever.  Either way, it’s a recommendation.

#15 – YOOA – OH MY GIRL

Yooa doesn’t even bother to pretend to sing the words on her dance covers because she knows you’re really just here to see her body and her impeccable dance moves.  Regardless of how fit and healthy I get I’ll always feel like a lazy slob when watching Yooa dance.

Oh and don’t give me that “blackfishing” crap.  If you’re going to export your culture to every corner of the world, don’t be surprised when everyone else in the world actually likes it and reflects it back at you.  “How dare they”, pfft.  Just enjoy your time at the top of the global cultural tree and all the impossibly attractive k-pop women like Yooa who love you and are trying to be you.  Learn to take a genuine compliment for what it really is, not for the insult that some far-right troll wishes you thought it was.

#16 – JEONGYEON – TWICE

The main reason why Jeongyeon gets so shortchanged in Twice is precisely because she’s so fucking attractive, it’s to give most of the other members a fighting chance of being noticed at all. This is JYP’s “equality of outcome”.

All of you fans of “equality of outcome” certainly don’t like it when it’s applied to your favourite k-pop groups.  It’s as hilarious as all those “anti-capitalist” k-pop fans out there diligently buying every last scrap of merch that has even the tiniest thread of a relationship to oppar.

#17 – JENNIE – BLACKPINK

I was at a Japanese noodle bar a while back and I noticed that every single song on the sound system was Blackpink for some reason.  I asked the girl behind the counter about it if she was a fan and if those were her picks, and she said yes.  She then asked me who my favourite was in Blackpink.  When I said “Jennie” she was like “of course, right?”.  I think she felt silly for asking.  Mind you I did date a girl who looked (and even talked) a bit like Jennie for a while and that sort of real-life experience always helps the biasing along.

YG isn’t like JYP who hides his best girls in the mix – YG is all about “equality of opportunity” and is happy to just let Jennie dominate everything.  Sucks if you’re into one of the other three as they constantly get shortchanged but don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll continue to drip-feed you just enough content to keep you wrapped around his little finger.

#18 – HONG JIN YOUNG

Nobody in k-pop does “office wear” quite like Hong Jin Young, even when wearing the worst office clothes ever she still looks better than most other k-poppers at their peak.  When I see her wear office wear of any type I’m convinced that her being a k-pop trot singer is just a part-time gig that she does on the weekends and she’s just being a boss lady during the week.

For someone who has been in k-pop forever she still looks better than almost all your faves and is another person who really should do better in the objectification surveys.  I’m sure she’s been through quite a few rounds of beautification but I’m not against it.

#19 – KERRIGAN MAY

Actually I don’t find Kerrigan May all that attractive just on a basic appearance level, but she winds up in here anyway because her song and video “Sex Like A Pickle” is the closest thing I can find to a Han Seo Hee style attitude in k-pop, which is inherently sexy, regardless of the topic of the song, how she looks with those ridiculous henna tattoos or anything else.  She’s even got San E on the track, and even though his contribution sucks, the fact that she put him on there at all is admirable because it shows that it’s not just image but she really does give no fucks.  My kind of girl, honestly.

#20 – RAINA – AFTER SCHOOL/ORANGE CARAMEL

I wish Raina did all this v-logging back in 2010 before she skin-grafted flesh from IU’s buttocks onto her face.

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That’s all for this post!  I hope you’ve enjoyed the Kpopalypse bias list and I’ll revisit these rankings in another 12 months!  In the meantime Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon!