Satanic Illuminati?  In MY k-pop?  Could it be true?  Kpopalypse has all the details!

Speculation about the Illuminati being in the music industry has been going on for many years.  However, most people who are speculating on this aren’t actually in the music industry itself, and are therefore just talking out of their assholes.  If only there was someone uniquely positioned to give you the TRUTH on this matter.  Just as well that Kpopalypse has been active in the music business for decades and is also a confirmed goat-sacrificing first-wave-of-black-metal-listening satanist and therefore has all the trufax!  Yay!

Firstly, if you don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about with this Illuminati bullshit here’s a nice little video by Gracy Grace which sums up what the Illuminati is and which will save me about ten minutes of boringly writing about triangles and shit.  Thanks Grace!

Now while this video isn’t too bad as far as introducing people to what this bullshit is all about and showing people the sort of things that raise the ire of Illuminati-hunters, Grace unfortunately stops short of actually answering the fucking question posed in the video title.  Instead Grace opts for a bunch of wishy-washy “gosh gee, I think people are going a bit far but guess you never really know for sure hey, what do YOU think?  Put your answers in the comments below!” fucking bullshit, farming that engagement by all the people suckered into this shit.  To be fair, she probably doesn’t have Bathory’s third album in her MP3 collection and may thus feel unqualified to comment decisively, however Kpopalypse DOES and is now going to tell you all you need to know.

So enough preamble – here we go.

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Is the satanic Illuminati in k-pop?

No.

Great, so that’s answered then.  Let’s now look at some pictures of Yua Mikami in this kimono.

Feels good to get a straight answer to your question doesn’t it.

Aren’t you happy that I answered this question for you.

Oh, you want to know how I know this.  Very well, read on.

HOW WE KNOW FOR SURE THAT THE SATANIC ILLUMINATI IS NOT IN KPOP REASON #1

NOBODY HAS ANY FUCKING MONEY

The music industry has been on a huge recession since the 1990s with the advent of cheap recording and storage technology making the final product (actual music, remember that “music stuff” that you used to care about before you discovered how oppa’s pants sag) increasingly harder to sell to a market who can access it for free anytime, anywhere.  Well-known celebrity artists who used to make a livable income plying their trade are now begging with their hats out on Kickstarter and auctioning off half their equipment.  The only reason why k-pop in its current form survives at all is because agencies cleverly transitioned from marketing the music (which nobody gives a fuck about – just witness all the people telling you to stream their faves’ next song before anyone even knows what it sounds like) to marketing the idols.  Even then, only the very top tier make anything approaching decent money and everyone else gets crumbs.  I’m not just talking about the artists here, even the CEOs of companies don’t make jack shit for the most part, with all their money tied up in loans and deals just to float their groups at all.  If you think those now-notorious k-pop idol debts are extreme, wait until the K-pop CEO debt starts getting unraveled.

Now you’d think an all-powerful, all-controlling secret society would be able to do something about that, yeah?  The Illuminati are supposedly some super-affluent bunch of folks that control a bunch of shit and have connections everywhere – so if the music industry are so deeply involved, how come they’re not benefiting directly from these connections?  How come there’s no fucking money in music anymore, anywhere in the world?  How come Gfriend isn’t being paid to do gigs under the mountain at Bohemian Grove?  How come k-pop agencies and other musicians around the world aren’t getting their mountains of operational costs paid off by “mysterious benefactors” in sexy black suits?  Why isn’t Dreamcatcher more popular than Twice?  Why isn’t Burzum bigger than The Beatles?  Oh and let’s not forget the fucking pandemic which has now killed off some of the very last money-making ventures that the music business still had working in its favour, like live performance and touring, our all-powerful benefactors seems to be struggling to manage that one too.  Yeah, I don’t think the Illuminati are in control of jack shit, and I think that if you disagree, you’re either ignorant, trolling, a dumb cunt, or some combination of these.

HOW WE KNOW FOR SURE THAT THE SATANIC ILLUMINATI IS NOT IN KPOP REASON #2

THE MUSIC MOSTLY IS DOGSHIT

Oh so you want more reasons.  That’s okay, I have them.

While there are still more songs shortlisted on the Kpopalypse “best of” than “worst of” lists for any given year, that’s only because the few crumbs of good music that emerge from Korea each year actually have some kind of character worth writing about, whereas most bad music is just bland and average rather than catatonically fucking fucked.  The amount of absolutely boring music that comes out of Korea is completely fucking terrifying in its sheer size.  People often think my weekly roundups are “complete” (I can tell by the constant “hey you missed these 256 songs” emails I get), the fact is that for every shit song that I include in the list there’s another five that I don’t even bother writing up because I just couldn’t bring myself to give even one solitary fuck about any of it.  Here’s one that I missed out on last week, I’t snot the most awful thing ever, but it’s just so dull, how am I even supposed to write about it?

Now if our satanic Illuminati friends were in control, this wouldn’t happen.  Sure, we’d still have the odd crappy ballad and jazz/R&B piece of shit, but the ratio would certainly be a lot better.  From Robert Johnson selling his soul to the devil to invent blues, to the generally consistent discographies of the second wave of Scandinavian black metal, it’s clear that there’s a sharp correlation between satanic influence and music quality.  Everybody knows that the devil has the best tunes. 

HOW WE KNOW FOR SURE THAT THE SATANIC ILLUMINATI IS NOT IN KPOP REASON #3

KPOP PUBLIC APPEARANCES FUCKING SUCK

Twice, the biggest girl group in the history of k-pop up until this point if you think chart success is important (sucks to be you but anyway), can’t do a gig without a shitload of lipsync and spending 40% of it talking about insipid bullshit.  How do they look when interviewed?  Cringe.

Blackpink, the biggest girl group in the history of k-pop up until this point if you think YouTube views are important (oh dear, get help), can’t do a gig without a shitload of lipsync and stupid car commercials.  How do they look when interviewed?  Awkward as shit.

Mayhem, the biggest metal group in the history of metal if you think satanism is important, fucking rock.  100% live vocals, great staging and plenty of gore.  How do they look when interviewed?  Fucking fantastic, supremely confident.

Deicide, the biggest metal group in the history of metal if you think branding an inverted cross into your forehead is important, fucking rock.  100% live vocals, great staging and plenty of guitar solos that sounded much better in the studio.  How do they look when interviewed?  Fucking fantastic, supremely confident.

Clearly if we had Satan involved in more levels of the music industry, there would be a lot more fun in the world, performances and interviews would be a lot better.  We’d have less of this:

And more of this:

HOW WE KNOW FOR SURE THAT THE SATANIC ILLUMINATI IS NOT IN KPOP REASON #4

DARK CONCEPTS IN KPOP ARE ALL CANDY ASS WEAK SHIT

Yeah so let’s take a look at some k-pop concepts and evaluate how satanic illuminati-ish they are.  Prepare to be disappointed.

Apparently the darkest k-pop concept outside of Dreamcatcher is Red Velvet’s “Peek-A-Boo”?  Pizza and the “okay” symbol, that’s all you’ve got, that’s what good christian kids are scared of these days, the pizza boy?  Are you fucking kidding me?

Ladies Code’s “Hate You” also gets singled out as a “satanic concept”.  Flowers and dolls, plus a bit of smoky makeup, yeah sorry no pass.  Also the candles are the wrong colour, any satanist knows that you need black candles for a satanic ritual.  The Illuminati, if they existed, surely would have at least paid attention to the bit in the Satanic Bible where candle colour is specified (page 74 if you have one handy).

Speaking of which, it’s been a while since I read the Satanic Bible but “eat apples they’re very tasty” definitely isn’t in there.  Sure, the apple is in the Garden Of Eden bit in the “real deal” Bible but only because some crusty conservative fuck inserted it in there later when they butchered the Bible for American readers, the original text doesn’t actually specify the type of fruit at all.  Gfriend are going to have to do a bit more than have a healthy diet to get Dark Lord points.

More recently Nature had a crack at a “dark concept” too and this honestly looks more like something you’d pay for at the fun fair than any sort of mind control.

Of course Dreamcatcher try their hardest and probably have the most convincing attempt at trying to be mystical in a dark way or whatever the fuck they think they’re doing with this, but this still looks like 70% Disney ghost theme park ride to 30% high-humidity horticulture tutorial.

Primary tried it with this song and the moving ouija board (ooooh scary), but look closely, those are Pokemon cards.  Somehow I don’t think collecting all 896 Pokemon (as of 2020) is part of the satanic Illuminati’s dark agenda, and if it was I’m sure that there’d be better ways to do that.  Everyone has their price, Nintendo execs could surely be bribed into releasing their pokedex with enough hookers or something.

Nobody who cares about IZ*ONE stopped draining their genitals long enough to even absorb any messsage in this one.

Oh and we have Pritz who do scary things like spell out their name, watch out, free world.  If all this is the Illuminati’s attempt to try and convert us to their “agenda”, whatever the fuck that is, they’re not trying very hard. 

If the satanic Illuminati were in charge of making k-pop music videos, we’d have a lot more fun and excitement.  At the very least some people would be getting killed, or turned into zombies, or getting killed and then being turned into zombies, or turning into zombies and then killing others who turn into zombies.  I think that’s important.

We’d have better makeup too.  Smoky eyeliner?  BB cream?  That’s not appropriate world domination face-wear, you need something that makes a statement.  Even if that statement is “I like looking ugly and depressed”.

Also, fire-breathing, and boobs.  We’d finally have girls with their boobs out in k-pop music videos.  I feel like this is the biggest proof that the satanic Illuminati is not controlling any fucking thing at all.  Where are the titties, I ask you?  Fucking hidden, that’s where. There’s something not right about this.  I know that if I were in charge of an all-powerful secret society, there would be tits.  Somehow.

HOW WE KNOW FOR SURE THAT THE SATANIC ILLUMINATI IS NOT IN KPOP REASON #5

THEY ARE NOT FUNDING KPOPALYPSE BLOG

And why the fuck not?  As a secret society, funding a popular blog that denies your existence would make total sense.  All-powerful, all-rich, yet they haven’t given Kpopalypse one single cent yet.  Stingy cunts.  I made a new tier on my Patreon page, just for them, just in case they want to get their shit together anytime soon.  Until then, they don’t exist.

When I see some solid donations from Hillary Clinton’s lawn-bowling club, I’ll revise this post, until that time anyone who thinks that the Illuminati is real can lick my sack, you are truly an A-class moron.  Speaking of which, Kpopalypse shall return!