It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
Dreamcatcher – Boca
It’s funny how whoever is writing these songs for Dreamcatcher actually thinks we want them to explore different genres in the verses. You can just make it metal all the way through, seriously just do it, we won’t mind if you don’t waste half the running length on some trendy bullshit that dilutes your core sound, honest.
Itzy – Not Shy
Like (G)I-dle’s song the other week, the intro music here sounds absolutely fantastic and they should have built the entire song out of that cool guitar riff instead of the boring nonsense that happens when the song actually starts. Imagine a bank robber who doesn’t even get the teller to open up the safe but just sticks the place up, steals the pen and leaves.
Brave Girls – We Ride
Should have ridden back to the studio to make a better song.
Oh My Girl – Supadupa
Rapists, pedophiles, and whoever is writing Pororo songs should all share the same wing of the prison.
Hyolyn – 9Lives
Doesn’t sound like anything Hyolyn has ever done before, but unfortunately doesn’t sound any better than anything Hyolyn has ever done before either.
Rothy ft. Chanyeol – Ocean View
What bizarre deal do you have to pull to get an EXO member on your thing. If it’s just money then that’s cool, I’ve got some savings, I’m thinking Chanyeol could be in my podcast next.
Sejeong – Whale
Not sure what they mean by “live clip” as this certainly isn’t live, or any good.
Cheetah – So Sorry
So are we, Cheetah. So are we.
Jessi – Numb
Jessi in “serious non-tits/ass-shaking mode” unfortunately isn’t an improvement.
BiPa – I Don’t Care
I don’t care either.
Lucy – Jogging
I hate that trend that existed for about six months in the west where a band of all dudes would call their group a girl’s name.
Treasure – Come To Me
See how the “documents” folder has a red mark on it? That’s because the Korean government has seized that particular folder of YG’s server for “later use”.
Dustin-On – 0 (Young)
Why is there a random girl dancing with them. Or is that even a girl and not just one of the other members in a wig? Confused.
Rich Brian & eaJ of Day6 – Love In My Pocket
Hey this is alright, a lot better than that stupid song he did with Chungha.
Hur Hyunjun – Baragi
The only thing worse than tropical garbage is tropical garbage where they forget to add the tropical garbage.
Han Heejun – Rain Drop
The song’s not much but this is the most comments I’ve ever seen on a k-pop song with less than 1000 views. Why not add some more just to make him feel good. It doesn’t have to be about the song, just talk about your day or something.
Park Sungho – Heyri Girl
Korean yodeling. I have officially now seen it all.
Super Five – Hello
When they do one of those behind-the-scenes “get to know you in the studio gosh aren’t we such loveable chaps” videos for a group you’ve never heard of, it really drives home just how artificial and constructed these type of videos actually are.
R1an – Eh Bebe
You know right from the very first squirt noise that there’s going to be nothing here of worth.
Woo ft. Cifika – Used To
What’s with AOMG making semi-listenable music lately. It’s all very strange and is making me nervous.
Paloalto, Jerd, Reddy & Soovi – Kid Rock
This song sounds like it really wants to kick off into high gear but it never does.
Rudals – Bicycles
It’s cool that he’s out cycling with his true love or whatever but every time Koreans do shit on roads I just get worried.
Takuwa ft. Queen Wa$abii – TaKaprio
What is even the point of a Queen Wa$abii video without Queen Wa$abii actually in the video. Don’t be a tightass, Takuwa, just pay the extra $500 or whatever to have her in it, trust me the ROI is worth it.
Xitsuh – Shadow
Very little ass-kicking in this solo from the K-Tigers member. I understand wanting to do something different but nobody wants to hear Iron Maiden sing about soccer.
Thama ft. Nafla – Land
More of that jazz-rap style that is boring and that we all hate.
Pluma ft. Paloalto – Skrt
I feared the worst with a song title like that, and my fears were justified.
D-Hack ft. Yungyu – Shibuya Karaoke
I didn’t give UZA a pass for this type of music last week and I love UZA, so what makes this person think they’ve got a hope in hell.
Tabber ft. Dean, Kim Ximya – 3AM
Wooks – Intention
I think all that red shit on the ground is someone sprayed shit-music-disease-retardant chemicals at him to try and get him to stop singing, unfortunately he was safe because of that umbrella.
Ella J ft. M. TySON – Ocean View (Mi Amor)
I can’t wait for Northern Hemisphere summer to be over, because right now they’re not going to be able to fly to Australia or Hawaii or wherever to shoot their tropical bullshit.
Wonji – Between 0 and 1
I think Apink’s Eunji has some competition here, Wonji is even rocking the Ms. Pac Man yellow suit.
Zai.ro – Good Boy
I’m only putting this here because one of the girls in the video is thicc and there’s plenty of man-meat in this week’s roundup so I gotta throw myself a bone too just to keep my motivation up.
Lee Jun Hyung – I Don’t Know If You Don’t Tell Me
This song is dull. There, you’ve been told – no more excuses about how you didn’t know.
Sagong – I Thought It Was Love.
Song is boring af but I really liked the video at 0:23 because it brought back memories of being broke and playing with broke shitty punk bands where nobody owned a mic stand so we’d try and create a “frankenstand” by gaffing together bits of all the broken stands we had lying around that didn’t quite fit, and they’d always last a few songs and then fall the fuck apart and we’d have to do it all again.
Summer Soul – Junkfood
I don’t think I’ll ever eat burgers and chips again.
Baek Juyeon – Color
I want to tell her the teddy bear isn’t sentient just to watch her sulk and get mad, because I feel like that information, while true, would go down very poorly.
Joody – Lucky Charm
This is like To-day’s “Secret” if they didn’t have a good song, or Yongma Land.
Seo Gi – Homework
If you’re doing book animations and it’s not of two people fucking, you’re wasting your time.
Hurricane Kimchi – Stronger Than You Think
It’s nice that he’s all gay and stuff and good on him for being him (or her) but I really wish he’d take a leaf out of Rob Halford’s book and use that gay energy to rock a bit harder than this.
UNEXCITED FEMALE BACKING BAND IN WHITE SHIRTS AND DENIM JEANS SECTION
Yi Saebom – Come To Me
I got to admit it’s worth holding out for the chorus just to see those shuffling moves.
Hedy – You Were Not Really Good
Hedy’s band have a heavier musical style but no dancing so I think we’re about equal here.
HOT SEXY MAN-MEAT SECTION
Kerrigan May feat. San E – Sex Like A Pickle
Kerrigan May absolutely gives no fucks. 7/10 for rap and 10/10 for attitude, but 2/10 for San E’s spot just because he can’t really rap, would have rather just had another verse of Kerrigan.
N.O.M – I’m So Sexy
Yes it’s k-pop’s first strippergram concept. N.O.M are the gift that keeps on giving.
SuperM – 100
SuperM are a project group where someone from SM looked at my objectification surveys and decided to make a new group out of all the high-placers. Who even needs a song when you’ve got such seriously fucking good marketing.
Wonho – Losing You
I’m sure you all expected me to shit on this, but this is actually a great X-Japan tier ballad, with an intelligently-writen melody and harmonic suspensions/resolutions everywhere, easily the best thing Wonho has ever been involved in musically.
J.Y. Park ft. Sunmi – When We Disco
The granddaddy of objectification JYP also has a really good song this week. Not sure if that chorus progression was the optimal choice but overall it’s still way ahead of the competition. I don’t think it’s coincidence that Sunmi gets all the best songs out of JYP these days. Someone is insisting on quality.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Esna – “Ahh, Oop!” & Mamamoo – what really happened
Esna breaks down a lot of the different ways that people can get fucked over a barrel when doing a collaboration with a popular artist, and her story is actually a really normal, common experience that is by no means limited to the Korean pop music industry. The video is long but it’s worth the watch, especially if you’re at all interested in songwriting or the processes in which those songs can get used.
That’s all for this week’s roundup – more next week!