Good news caonimas – Wonho is now officially a k-pop again! Let’s celebrate and assist his culture and lifestyle with some Wonho-appropriate computer games!
It’s been tough times for k-pop fans ever since Wonho was kicked out of Monsta X. The buff singer and consistent objectification survey favourite broke the hearts of many caonimas by leaving the group over unspecified reasons to do with him being “naughty”. Obviously this was very unfair, certainly the man has earned himself the right to invite Han Seo Hee over to his dorms for some weed and hugs/kisses – but Korean culture outside of the music business is unfortunately very strict about these issues, that’s why there is no prostitution, organised crime or drugs in Korea whatsoever. Fans were concerned – not about Korean culture obviously because nobody cares about that, but would we ever see Wonho again? Fear not as he has now returned on a new label with a new song!
Of course, just because Wonho has changed companies doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have needs. At least in Starship he got to dorm across from Cheng Xiao’s titties, now he doesn’t even get to quickly glance at them as they walk in opposite directions down the hallway. Also who knows what new restrictions he might have in place on his freedoms or behaviour, his new company may be paranoid about scandal and keeping a tight leash on his extracurricular activities. Clearly Wonho needs to know that we still care about his biological need for computer games with big titty avatars, and he may require some new fap material to get him through the hard times. Surely by now he has already 100%’ed all the games on the first and second versions of this list, so it’s time for some more computer game recommendations for Wonho!
ROLE PLAYING GAMES
Let’s start off with role playing games. All of the below have well-translated English versions which are brought to you by RPG specialists Kagura games. The translations are about 99% perfect so you won’t have any issues with dialogue in these, although to get to 100% accuracy they’re going to have to hire me (I did offer and file a job application but I never heard back, clearly they don’t know what they’re missing).
Apostle (a.k.a Apostle Of The Gospel) is a fairly typical Japanese role playing game, where there’s a long-ass complicated plot where a school suddenly gets invaded by classy-sexy aliens but fortunately some students have super powers and have to wage a war to repel the invasion but everyone’s being mind controlled and the aliens are taking human form and you control the male protagonist trying to sort everythHOLY SHIT look at those anime tiddies. This is a game that several people probably purchased just on the “weight” of the promotional images, and it features some of the bustiest female characters I’ve ever seen, in a game or anywhere else for that matter. Some of these boobs may even be bigger than Wonho’s.
Apostle however is frustrating to play, and not in the way that you paid for. The game doesn’t follow the usual “lose-em-up” format – getting to the most interesting Wonho-approved content actually requires making the right dialogue choices, as well as being in the right place at the right time, which isn’t easy. The game is very difficult, the turn based combat is dull and the grind is real – you can’t even unlock all the scenes in one (very long) playthrough, so they make you play through the game multiple times. Add onto this that a lot of the game is grindy and unfriendly just by design – cutscenes may have skippable dialogue but you still have to wait for overlong boring animations to play at normal speed and characters to walk at snail’s pace across a room. If you choose to invest time in Apostle, bring a walkthrough at minimum, but ideally you want cheats, or someone else’s saved game files.
NIPLHEIM’S HUNTER – BRANDED AZEL
Niplheim’s Hunter – Branded Azel involves another fairly standard Wonho game plot device, where the protagonist is actually a nice innocent pure person but is being corrupted and possessed by outside forces, which means that all the situations she gets into totally aren’t her fault at all. This means that you can play and remain pure and innocent at heart while you get sexy with all the characters in the game, as you quest to remove the curse and turn Azel back to “normal”. You’re just trying to help her be pure and innocent again.
The game is honestly also grindy with lots of item collection, and the combat is again tedious, but there’s one thoughtful benefit that makes a lot of difference – the scenes guide in Azel’s bedroom actually tells you exactly what you need to do to unlock each scene, saving a lot of time-wasting fucking about trying to find good walkthroughs. The art style is also quite unique for this type of game, being anime-inspired but also subtly different to a lot of anime out there, with a generous amount of character detail. The star of the show is definitely Azel’s outfits, all of which are meticulously drawn and meet required standards, although I’m not sure how much practical protection they’d be in the field. If you like dressing up (and dressing down) in your Wonho games, this one comes recommended.
If you prefer your RPGs in 3D format then Lilitales is for you, mimicking the old-school tile-based 3D dungeon crawling format in much the same way as Sakura Dungeon from the first Wonho games post. Our story is a simple rescue mission, where our hero Luna has to rescue a princess, but of course nothing is ever truly simple and Luna ends up encountering many classy-sexy diversions along the way. There isn’t a single scene in this game which would look out of place in a Gain video, so k-pop video directors should be happy with this title’s content.
Unfortunately, Lilitales is hard. It starts off easily enough, but there’s a seriously high progression wall to be scaled. The issue isn’t dungeon-crawling puzzles (the game is nowhere near as deep or complex as Sakura Dungeon in this aspect) but sheer battle number-crunching – after a while Luna just doesn’t have the raw stats to progress easily and your playthroughs will become bogged down with lots of boring grinding for stats and upgrades just to get through the battles to the next stage. This really sucks for a game that is quite good in a lot of other areas.
LIZ: THE TOWER AND THE GRIMOIRE
Turn-based combat in RPGs is frankly boring (which is why none of my own games after Escape From The Idol Dungeon feature any of it), and generally are a waste of time used to pad out the game, because if you lose you’re going to try again until you win anyway. Liz: The Tower And The Grimoire has a unique solution where you basically just run over enemies to kill them, but only have a certain amount of time to explore levels, which can be modified by manipulating items. This gameplay mechanic was criticised when the game came out but it actually works well, turning combat into something brisk, fun and a little different. You’ll need a good memory however to remember which identical corridor you last made a left turn down to reach that exit in time – if you’re good at mazes you’ll like this, if you’re not you might need to take some scratch-notes as you travel.
The plus side of this fresh design choice is that content in the game is very quickly unlockable, it was a pleasure to play after grinding through the other titles here. There’s still some item-collection to do but it all happens fairly quickly once you get into the rhythm, routes are mostly easy to discover and you’ll be classy-sexying it up in almost no time at all with plenty of Wonho-friendly scenes and oddly good music for this type of game. There is some grind but it’s of the good type – with the same locations revealing more “progression” as you successfully complete certain tasks. The window limitations of the old-school RPG Maker engine are a bit annoying (the screenshot above is actual size) but you really don’t notice it much after a while, and it’s probably the only real downside of this one.
NECROMANCY – EMILY’S ESCAPE
One game genre that’s been lacking a lot in the Wonho game category is platformers. Maybe it’s because busty women require a bit more animation to navigate platforms convincingly, however Necromancy – Emily’s Escape is here to take on the task and prove that it can be done. The plot is pleasingly simple, and while there is a bit of backstory if you prefer it, getting out of where you’re at without touching any of the game’s monsters is all you really need to know. Unfortunately for your protagonist Emily, all the monsters in the game like touching her a whole lot. If it moves, it can probably do inappropriate things to you, so you’ll have your work cut out for you jumping on platforms and avoiding a wide variety of creepy creatures.
The art style of this game is honestly gorgeous, even when depicting some quite violent scenes, and still photographs just can’t capture it. It’s one of those games that really has to be seen moving on a desktop widescreen to get the most out of the Wonho content as it’s the animation that makes everything come to life here. Sadly all this eye candy comes at the cost of some very sluggish controls, but it’s nothing that a platforming veteran can’t handle. The game is also quite short, and while some sections are tricky it’s nothing that’s going to keep you challenged for too long. The only negative is that it’s overpriced for something which while high quality is definitely extremely short – my recommendation if you want to pick this one up is to wait for a sale.
SUMMON OF ASMODEUS
Summon Of Asmodeus is made by the same people who created Necromancy – Emily’s Escape, and it shows with a very similar art style, gameplay style and progression system. The main differences are that Summon Of Asmodeus has even less plot to worry about, and also that the action is a bit more aggressive with far less avoiding things and far more getting in enemy’s faces with swords and guns. The game knows its audience too – one of the first things that the game gives you is a potion that overpowers you like crazy, so you can effectively choose to play in “game mode” or “I just want to get through all the stages to see Wonho content” mode.
The platforming action is thankfully a bit more fluid in this game, and it’s also somewhat cheaper, two definite positives. However I think Necromancy – Emily’s Escape has a very slight edge over it for sheer looks, although both are so similar that if you like one it’s almost certain that you’ll like the other. Just like Wonho’s left nipple and his right nipple.
Dragonia is also something different for Wonho games, a bullet-hell type shooting game that actually resembles the old 1980s arcade game Time Pilot in terms of general gameplay and concept, however it’s a lot easier to play than Time Pilot due to the twin-stick controls and the incredibly overpowered weaponry that you get handed. Each arena has hundreds of enemies that are quite weak and you basically fly around mincing them with your crazy spaghetti bullet sprays. It’s simultaneously very chaotic and not very demanding, which is kind of what you want from a Wonho action game.
Of course it has to have a story so the Wonho content can be justified somehow, and in this case there’s some nonsense about a woman who is a dragon or something and has to have sex for whatever reason, but I didn’t get it and I honestly skipped through all the dialogue anyway as it’s not needed for the actual game. Needless to say that the predictable things happen and Wonho-friendly action is delivered, and it’s not the best content out there ever but dragon girl mrs and this game is dirt cheap, so if the concept sounds appealing to Wonho he could pick it up and so could you.
Is Wonho a goth? I’m not sure, but looking at the black and white imagery and dark eyeliner of his latest video, I’m pretty sure someone over at his new agency spun a few Sisters Of Mercy records at least one time. Perhaps Wonho, like me, appreciates big tiddy goth girls and thus wouldn’t mind a try at Gothicc Breaker, a simple clone of the arcade game Breakout, where you break bricks with balls while collecting various power-ups that enhance your life. The ladies in the game come with clothes on, but if you hit the right power-up they will disrobe, making it suddenly much harder to concentrate on the actual balls (or at least the ones on the screen, anyway). Constant innuendos that appear when you collect power-ups plus the general tone of “gosh isn’t this naughty” throughout make the game a lot of lighthearted fun, the game even has an “emergency key” where you can hide the goth girls with one keypress if someone barges into your room mid-fap, now that’s user-friendly.
The art is certainly cool but it’s mainly cute rather than fapworthy just because of the low-resolution, low-detail pixel-art style, and there’s only 30 levels which a good player could probably blow through in well under an hour. However the game is cheap – very cheap – and it’s also a lot of fun to replay when you just want a quick mindless game of something. The only thing I really didn’t like was the ball physics, for some reason the devs have inserted a mechanic where one bounce out of every 50 or so sees the ball fly off in a completely random direction instead of the one that the rest of the game’s physics would have dictated. I understand why they would have done this (to prevent infinite loop “ball traps”) but they could have achieved the desired result by making the angle differ only slightly rather than picking one at random. It’s a minor annoyance in a game that definitely has its heart in the right place.
PUZZLE AND CASUAL GAMES
Wish is a very similar game to Mirror (covered in the first episode), being a match-three puzzle game, and has so many similarities that initially I thought it might be by the same developers. The general gameplay and upgrade mechanics are the same, and some of the same music and backdrops are even reused! However I think the similarities might have more to do with lazy asset-theft and what built-in tools come with the Unity engine than any actual shared personnel. Fortunately the assets of the female characters certainly haven’t been stolen, even though both offer a pleasing level of interactivity. Just like in Mirror once the match-three puzzles are over there’s free-form “interactive playtime” events to unlock, and the character quality is also just like Mirror i.e ridiculously good across the board, even if I don’t think every girl here would be Wonho’s type he’s certainly catered for.
A significant area of difference between Mirror and Wish however is that Mirror’s difficulty was quite carefully balanced, whereas Wish’s is definitely not. At first it felt impossible but then I worked out how to upgrade my character and once the upgrades are unlocked it’s possible to one-shot many of the game’s puzzles and do an entire playthrough in about five minutes! Wish is very easy to complete and as such the match-three part of the game isn’t that replayable. Still, better to be too easy than too difficult in a game like this, and Wish is definitely worth the very cheap asking price just for the Wonho content alone. Oh and also unlike Mirror the translations and (new) music in Wish are hot garbage, but trust me, you won’t care.
West Sweety is straightforward. There’s a saloon bar with seven girls in it, who uncannily look like T-ara doing a wild west concept. Given that this game is Chinese made I wouldn’t be surprised if it is unofficially modeled on T-ara, given how huge they were in China, seriously you can pick all of 7-ara out no problem. So you go there and play dice and card games with the T-ara girls. When you win, you then unlock Wonho content. That’s it, that’s the game.
Both the dice and card games are pure 100% luck, so how quick you unlock everything is just dependent on how fast you can hit “try again” without getting annoyed at losing roughly 50% of the time. Eventually you get some pictures and some Mirror/Wish style interactive content which isn’t quite up to that level but is similar and still really rather good. Not all girls here would meet Wonho’s big tiddie standards however (T-ara was never one of the bustier groups overall) but some certainly do and for the again quite cheap asking price, it could be worth it. Just don’t expect a proper game or anything.
Speaking of not proper games, this episode’s visual novel pick is Otaku’s Fantasy, which is some weird story about a guy who is basically a loser pulling all the hot chicks at a TV studio, using methods that I’m not entirely sure about because I held down CTRL to skip through most of the dialogue to get to the parts where the hot nerdy girl with glasses gets banged, because I don’t give a fuck about visual novels really but I do care about investigating Wonho-friendly content, and hot nerdy girls with glasses.
Even though the sexy nerd completely outshines everyone else in the game for pure sex appeal, all of the five main characters in this shortish visual novel would still meet Wonho’s required standards anyway. It’s another super-cheap buy off Steam so even if Wonho hasn’t really got that much funds thanks to his new label operating on a shoestring, he should still be able to afford this by selling a bunch of useless trading cards and monetised items from other games on the Steam marketplace, that’s how I bought half of the games in this list.
That’s all for the third Wonho game guide! Feel free to leave offended comments below while you secretly purchase and download these! Kpopalypse shall return!