It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
April – Now Or Never
Steering just shy of of the tropical sound but unfortunately landing in “Sistar summer comeback” territory, it’s nothing good and April have done way better before, many times.
S.I.S – Don’t Wait
Sounding a lot like the crappy ballads Apink were doing in 2012, what a pity.
Blastar – One Way
If you’re going to sound boring like everything else, you might as well also save money.
(G)I-dle – Dumdi Dumdi
Every single scrap of instrumental in the 1 minute and 38 seconds of video intro could have been fleshed out into a far better song than what they ended up going with. Someone involved in the production of this clearly knows what good music is, just a shame that they weren’t actually allowed to write any of it.
Saturday – D.B.D.B.DIB
A waste that spends most of its running length sitting on one chord and having the girls sing completely random nursery-rhyme stuff over the top which doesn’t really have much to do with anything. I remember the times when pop songs would actually have chord changes, it wasn’t that long ago, can we get back to that please.
Keembo – 99 (Gu Gu)
Keembo continue to be a musical disaster. We know they’re very capable of greatness but for some reason nobody wants to write for them anything that matches up to Spica’s best.
Soyou – Gotta Go
It’s weird how when Korean women get older, their face gets longer and their jaw becomes more pointy. Strange genes they have.
Song Jieun – MIL (Make It Love)
Another bland song.
Yoyomi – I Hope You Will Always Be You
It’s a tough week – even Yoyomi isn’t hitting as well as average, although there are some cool backings here that nearly give this song a pass.
Jessi – Nunu Nana
If only Jessi’s songwriter put as much effort into Jessi as her plastic surgeon has.
U Sung Eun – Right On Time
Here’s a song that sounds just a little bit different which is nice, but too many boy-group style R&B concessions weaken the formula.
WayV – Bad Alive
Most SM songs for their newer boy groups these days are just sound effects and yelling.
Ateez – Inception
Slow, dull boy-group-by-numbers.
M.O.N.T – Boom Bang
M.O.N.T determined to make everyone loathe their country once again. Why do they hate Korea so much?
Stray Kids – Haven
Not the best song ever made but it has some welcome fast pace, a melody and actual chord changes, plus no tropical marimba-playing toot-tooting bullshit, automatically jetting it to the top 10% of songs this week.
1The9 – Dream In The Sky
“Our story”? Guys, you’re on your third mini album, it’s not time to be writing your autobiograhies just yet.
Kang Daniel ft. Simon Dominic, Jamie – Waves
I wish Park Jimin left JYP before her Jessification happened so I actually got to see her in some more videos where she looked like Park Jimin.
Kang Daniel – Who U Are
Yeah it’s just the same old same old.
Hong Eunki – Flower
Actually not bad at all. Some punchier backings would have helped but I honestly just feel grateful that it’s an actual song.
Eric Nam – Paradise
Eric Nam is always crap so it’s pleasant to see him here sucking maybe only 60% as much as usual.
Ravi ft. Ha Sungwoon – Paradise
A legit comment on this video: “Notice how there are not any half naked girls crowding around them like a western song would surely have with a title called “Paradise”? This is one of the reasons why I love kpop and even after 6 years I am in no way tired of it.” Meanwhile the dude is out there flashing his abs, doing his best to get high on next year’s Kpopalypse man-meat poll results and nobody’s saying shit about that. Don’t get me wrong – I definitely approve – but let’s keep our stances on objectification consistent, people.
Yoon Du Jun – Lonely Night
When I see that scar on his nose I just wanna say to whoever did that “nice try but aim better next time”.
Idiotape – Too Old To Die Young
I didn’t know there was even a market for this kind of semi-rave stuff in Korea. It’s pretty cool if a little empty. I wish more commercial k-pop songs had backing tracks that slapped like this but poor Idiotape must have about three fans. Get some jaw-shaved botoxed SM kid to sing over this and realise your destiny.
Youra – Swim
Easily one of the ugliest videos ever made makes this boring song almost worth enduring for the sheer “The Room” factor.
Keumbee – Sneakin’ Into Your Heart
Incredibly rambling dribble.
Purple – Youth
This could have been great if it had good writing, but it doesn’t, so it’s not. Textures alone don’t make a song good.
High Tension – Memories
High Tension get very close to brilliance but just make generic musical choices sometimes and it fucks them up. If they just sounded a little less like western crap and a little bit more like what a vocal and guitar/electronics duo potentially could sound like, it would be great.
YunB ft. C Jamm – L.A.F.S.
This song is so unexciting that I started looking up coronavirus news.
Joon Jin Woo – Telepathy
An R&B ballad that’s what we all want isn’t it ahem cough.
Mighty – Out Of Control
Every sound here is obviously being produced by the guy’s mouth, which is kind of cool. What’s embarrassing about this for everyone else is that his mouth actually goes a lot harder than most k-popper’s actual instruments.
June – Anywhere
The problem is that the only fast-paced music we get anymore from Korea is this boring disco junk.
$tupid Young ft. Jay Park – Sho Nuff
Actually… good? The “Cha Cha Beat Boy” is pretty decent (for a fucking change, who knew Cha Cha Malone could actually do a good hip-hop beat, fucking nobody) and while Jay Park’s raps are a bit comical and daft as usual, $tupid Young is… acceptable, and acceptable is enough.
Jin Denim – Come Back
Double V ft. Sunwoojunga – 7 Do
A lot better than the pointless trash that Sunwoojunga’s been up to lately, but still pretty bad.
Rocoberry – Hot Summer
Not the f(x)/Monrose song, but actually kind of cute and entertaining in a boring, who-cares-about-this-crap kind of way.
Ailee, Ravi, Newkidd ft. Aizat Amdan, Chillies, PAAM, Quest, Rahmania Astrini – Me Me We
I’m pleased to say that Ailee is looking great again and that’s the only good thing I’ve got to say about this trash.
HyunA.Park – Good Night Sleep Tight
There’s another Hyuna in k-pop that you might not know about, and the reason why you don’t know about her is all about the music quality.
Irene & Seulgi – Naughty (Demicat Remix)
The original was certainly very far from great, but this remix is a hell of lot worse. Just stop remixing things, people. Unless it’s something way, way out of the box, like Laibach remixing Morbid Angel, or Front Line Assembly remixing Fear Factory, there’s no reason to even bother.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
BLACKPINK – ‘How You Like That’ (8-bit Stylophone cover)
It’s amazing hew few stylophone covers there are of k-pop songs. I feel like this is a real niche that could be explored by an intrepid YouTuber. There’s plenty of other covers out there of everything from the expected to the very unexpected, let’s see some Apink and Gfriend, come on stylophone players, where you at?
That’s all for this week’s roundup – more next week!