It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Dreamcatcher – R.o.S.E Blue

Not the best release from Dreamcatcher ever but still a pretty fucking high quality effort for something that’s just a theme song for a shitty anime Diablo clone.

Pink Fantasy – Shadow Play

Pink Fantasy probably have the best iteration of this type of Latin groove in k-pop music ever, simply because the focus is on tough beats rather than wimpy marimbas and other typical bullshit.  Marks deducted for no Donnie Darko bunny suit though.

CSVC – No Mercy

Such a convincing version of first-generation k-pop both musically and visually that I really had to do a double-take and check that someone hadn’t submitted something old to roundup by mistake.  The only place where CSVC fucked up here though is that the chorus is actually far too good to actually be from 1999, that’s the only thing that gives this away as not being some rubbish from s.e.s that someone linked by mistake.

Irene & Seulgi – Naughty

Cool production smarts hide a pretty below-average song, this sounds like any SM boy group solo project.

EXID – B.L.E.S.S.E.D

Some reasonable beats happening here with just some of the worst melodies imaginable over the top.

Jeong Eunji – AWay

They really get Eunji’s look right in this video, it’s honestly worth it just for that.  Ms Pac Man has never been more attractive.

Hwasa – LMM

Hwasa does the unthinkable and comes out with a genuinely great ballad.  Okay, so she had to rip off some classical music a bit to do it, but hey, if it works it works.

Moonbyul – Iljido

Groupmate Moonbyul’s song however is a complete fail.  Astoundingly they didn’t even manage to make her look any good.

Marco – All Right

They keep trying to shoehorn Moonbyul into some kind of Amber 2.0 image but Marco is way ahead of the game.  Seriously, I didn’t even know.

AleXa – Villain

I get that Blackpink these days are kind of cheesy and cringe and just do the same shit all the time now, but when you listen to something like this it really drives home just how far ahead of their imitators Blackpink actually are.

Giant Pink – Burn Out

I’m pretty sure the makers of this video put the backdrops they were going to be using for this video shoot through some kind of sophisticated AI program that then determined what the most colour-clashing, irritating clothing choices to go in front of them would be, and then dressed Giant Pink in the result.

Stray Kids – Hello Stranger

Starts off sounding really different but sort of morphs into fairly average boy stuff by the time the chorus hits.

TOO – Count 1, 2

Sadly when boy groups do upbeat stuff these days it’s always this Jackson-Five-ish hyper-sunny kind of mood.  We want our fast music from boy groups to sound like “The Chaser” and “Bad Boy“, can we have more of that sound please and let’s stop fucking around with this cardigan-wearing flower-sniffing aegyo-heart-making bullshit thanks.

Jeong Sewoon – Say Yes

And again.  We don’t want this kind of mood in k-pop.

1The9 – Bad Guy

It’s actually not too bad but they could have left the tuneless meandering tropical squirts out of it completely and it would have made the song a lot better.

MustB – Realize

That siren noise is alright, I kind of wish the whole song was just that.

XRO – Chuckle

A great ambient backing track leads into literally the very worst beat choice to go over it that someone possibly could have made.

XRO – Welcome To My Jungle

Their other song is somewhat better but also missteps with the production, using the right backing sounds in the wrong places.  Everyone’s whining about “racism” or whatever as if they wouldn’t let a bit of Native American roleplay slide if it was their faves and not some nugus, but I just want to see an apology for the songwriters not understanding how to build a rap beat correctly.  Just be happy they didn’t paint their faces red.

P.K. & Kanghan – Call Me Right Now

This guy has a seriously annoying vocal tone.  It’s not his fault, or that he can’t sing or anything, someone just needed to EQ that annoying windshield-rattling frequency out.

Seoul Philharmonic Orchestra, Park Inyoung – Red Flavor

SM pick possibly the most unsuitable song they could find for a symphonic makeover, the result is like listening to the idiotic string arrangements on Metallica’s awful “S&M” performance.

Baek Z Young – I Still Love You A Lot

Just some generic ballad nobody cares about, not even the people who wrote it, who probably shit out ten of these per week to sell off.

Changmo – Swoosh Flow

So people think Rain’s “Gang” is laughable, but that bullshit like this is just fine?  I got news for you.

Anngyeungjaebee ft. Munchman – Four Eyed

See, this bullshit sound is just everywhere and it’s all equally laughable.

Sikboy ft. Dae, Man1ac – Posse (Remix)

Really, it is.  And I didn’t even use every single video that I was submitted this week that had 2010s trash fail-rap music in it.

Damye – I’m Not Your Son

I’m glad to hear this because I’d hate to think that my child support money was going towards funding some guy singing into a Boss tuning pedal.

Nieah – Good Trip

I love it how people pretend “City Pop” is a genre, when it basically just means “shitty disco from the early 80s when disco was dying, mixed with even more shitty disco”.

Crush – Ohio

The best bit is at 1:53 where he gets locked in a room, which is a highly deserved fate, unfortunately the walls don’t start closing in Star-Wars-trash-compactor style at that point.

Crush ft. Devin Morrison – Let Me

I think “visualiser” just means “music video that we couldn’t be fucked putting any actual effort into”.

Leewoo – Sad Ending

It’s a sad ending alright, and a sad middle, and a sad start, but nothing is sadder than k-pop fans who eat this shit up because it’s “something different” when in fact they’re just uneducated and don’t realise that 70% of all Korean pop content sounds exactly like this in every detail.

The Midnight Romance – Midnight Romance

Retro production and distorted guitar solos, I should like it on paper but the melodic writing just can’t quite get this package over the line.

Oli London ft. Sten – Lockdown City

Oli London has basically worked out that he’s always going to be hated at this point, so he might as well run with it and troll k-pop kids for the lulz.  Not sure if the “Temple Of Love” riff fits with this style but the rap parts with Sten are actually reasonable and I’ve heard worse songs this year – or even this week.

Rockit Girl – My Sea

Gosh I’m glad I held the roundup back for this one.  The guitar mix is definitely a little too muddy and I’m not sure about some of the rhythmic choices used, but even though it’s hardly “Little Cat” tier it’s definitely still a great song and somehow I don’t feel cheated.  Oh and I know what you’re thinking but I don’t even like bikinis.  Seriously the most ugly clothes ever if you want to make someone look good.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Loona – “So What” dance practice video

Okay, so the actual song “So What” is awkward Red-Velvet-at-their-worst tier poop, but Loona are nevertheless delivering on a wish that I made years ago that I wanted to see more girl groups doing dancing with tough athletic forthright moves like the boy groups, instead of aegyo SNSD-isms, Gfriend/Dreamcatcherish hair-flicking semi-acrobatics or cop-out Blackpinky hip-swaying.  I don’t know anywhere near enough about dancing to know if the Loona girls are actually any good at it or not or who is better than who, but I think the result is pretty cool and I know what I like to see.  Make sure you play Try Not To Have Gay Sex With Yves 2 if you haven’t, where I even coded in a bit of a tribute to Loona’s boy-group dancing skills, it’s free and I promise that it has more gay sex references than Far Cry 6.

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That’s all for this week’s roundup, and just a reminder that the 2020 OBJECTIFICATION SURVEY CLOSES THIS WEEK!  Do it by CLICKING HERE if you haven’t!  Kpopalypse will return!