It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Weki Meki – Oopsy
Certainly on the better side of the stuff Weki Meki usually come out with, but certainly nothing special either. Too many concessions to what’s trendy and boring in 2020.
Nature – Girls
The visuals and the beat are great, but the rest of the song is lagging behind. Just one killer chorus hook in the place of that played-out tropical riff would have saved this.
Twice – Fanfare
Noisy and meandering like Red Velvet’s worst, but then the chorus kicks in and it’s alright. They should have kept the chorus feel for the entire thing.
Hi Cutie – Try Again
There’s a thin line between “cute k-pop song with a girly theme” and “some trash made for children’s television” and Hi Cutie are falling heavily on the wrong side of that line here.
Iz*one – Pretty
Another song this week that is better than what the group usually do, but still not up to much. It’s hard to imagine anyone legitimately liking this for the music.
IU – Into the I-Land
IU is no dummy, she knows where the money is and how to stay relevant – sing songs for some bullshit BTS show. The Mumford & Sons-ish music is too generic to have any impact, which is probably just the ticket to get a few of the superscore-7 zombie brigade on her side with this one. She wouldn’t want to upstage the main event, right?
HighSchool HaeBin – Higher 1.0
The most OH&S compliant rapper in Korea returns with a song that lifts from the shit side of 80s rap beats that existed before Public Enemy showed people how to do it correctly.
Odd Child – Island
I was about to remove this from the roundup completely for the lazy video not meeting required standards, until I was told this is Jiyoon from BOL4’s new project. Sadly it’s a soft gentle waste of time and not the diss rap we all want to hear.
Mister T – Better Man
Trot (like heavy metal) all sounds exactly the same texturally, so the difference between good and bad is purely down to melody/harmony/rhythm choice. Mister T gets it right, let’s hope they don’t cop a lawsuit from The A-Team.
Stray Kids – God’s Menu
Will Stray Kids ever top the brilliant and unfairly-maligned-even-by-their-own-fans “Side Effects“? Not this time, but “God’s Menu” goes hard enough to excuse the trapisms.
Seventeen – Left & Right
Seventeen still have BTS disease – they can’t produce anything all that good OR bad. It’s a song. It exists. Let’s move on.
D1ce – Draw You
If he’s going to draw me sitting boringly on a chair in an orange room with a stupid purple window then I want to know how much I’m being paid for this.
Super Junior K.R.Y. – Midnight Story
Here’s a midnight story. It was midnight. I thought about listening to Super Junior K.R.Y’s new song. Then I decided against it and listened to Slayer like a normal person. The end.
Voisper – The Day
Voisper are usually the worst group, like, ever, but they actually outdo the horrible Super Junior sub-unit with this one. Listen from 2:15 without watching the video for one of the most hilarious WTF video mixing decisions in k-pop.
Moon Xion – Mr. Lonely
Getting a slow song and fooling people into thinking it’s something with a bit of pace by doing a synchronised dance to it – it’s an art.
BewhY, Simba Zawadi – Hymn
Bewhy once again proves that he’s Kanye West if Kanye West was actually even 10% as good as the hype around Kanye West.
BewhY, Simba Zawadi – Neo Christian Flow
A pity about the lame god-bothering, but the track makes up.
Superbee, Uneducated Kid, twlv, Yuzion – Summer!
If you wanna tropical shithouse…
Sandy – Love Me More
…every wanna tropical shithouse.
High Tension – Chemistry
No, really, every wanna.
Naked Black – My Car Like Credit Card!!
Don’t tell him that “car” and “card” don’t rhyme, it’s funnier this way.
Moonsun ft. Khundi Panda – Orb
As nugu as it is unlistenable, double-digit views at the time of writing, and while popularity often isn’t an indicator of quality, here it is. Would have made Nugu Alert easily if I bothered to do a “complete shit nobody wants to hear” section.
Ha Beomseok – Book Report
It would be alright but it sounds too much like The Beatles “Blackbird” to be any good.
Yewon – Wallflower
Pretty impressive looking for something I never heard of, this song and video deals with the existential struggle of working out what to wear so you don’t blend into the wallpaper in a typical washed-out looking k-pop video’s colour pallete.
Heize ft. Ash Island – Your Name
The video copyright machine attached to this video says Avenged Sevenfold are in this but I think someone fucked up. It’s dull but it’s not that dull.
Maddox – Sleep
Okay it sucks, but compared to the ten ballads I just plowed through and insta-deleted out of roundup completely to get to this, it’s great.
Junggigo – Warm
I hope that dumpling shop got a good rate for being promoted in this shit.
I GUESS I’D BETTER COVER THESE LAME SONGS FROM “GOOD GIRL” HERE SO PEOPLE STOP FUCKING ASKING ME ABOUT THEM
Jang Yeeun, Jiwoo, Jamie, Cheetah, Hyoyeon – Witch
When the Hyoyeon singing parts of what’s supposed to be a rap song are by far the best bits, you know somebody fucked up somewhere.
Hyoyeon, Cheetah – Turl
She’s the best thing in this too, what the fuck is going on. SM paid someone off to give Hyoeyeon all the best parts I think.
Jang Yeeun – Barbie
I hope Mattel sues.
Mommy Son ft. Wonstein, Kim Seung Min – Money Serenade
Those are better than this awful R&B crap though. That singer looks embarrassed for even existing, as well he might.
Yooa, Mimi – Checkmate
Meanwhile the Oh My Girl girls do some horrid sub-Beyonce trash, as if the real Beyonce isn’t horrid enough and we all needed an even worse version.
Lee Youngji – I am Lee Youngji
Lee Youngi’s song isn’t bad because she just keeps it to the basics – rapping over a beat. As a complete non-idol she even performs like a rapper, i.e with an actual stage presence that most k-poppers simply aren’t allowed to have.
Hyolyn – 9Lives
She couldn’t sing and dance it at the same time so she just said “fuck it, pay someone else to do the dance, I’d prefer to just annoy people with my singing”.
Yunhway – One More Night
Bold choice to actually have a real band playing for real so we can hear the pure unadulterated shittiness of this dull funk.
Yunhway, Jamie, Sleeq – Colors
Jamie looks the best she ever has post Nicki-Minajification and that’s really the only positive thing I’ve got to say about this one.
Sleeq, Ailee – Don’t Cry For Me
In other good news on the fap front, Ailee is getting thicc again. Sure they’ve got her dressed up in some awful 70s sci-fi garb here, but she’s looking better than she has in a long time, don’t forget to vote in the fucking fap poll and give these people their due. There’s a lot less participation in the poll so far this year than last (probably because it hasn’t really taken off over at r/kpopfap this time for some strange reason) so your vote counts more now than ever!
Queen Wa$abii feat. Takuwa – Native Booty
Meanwhile Queen Wa$abii doesn’t seem to know which side her bread is buttered on. I like it how nobody cares about the twerking whatsoever but as soon as they kiss everyone loses their shit. The song isn’t worth listening to though mainly because it’s so censored that it sounds like a radio station when you drive through a mountain underpass.
Swings, Han Yohan – Work!
Swings has trouble keeping up with his own double-tracked backings here for some reason. It’s like watching Ill Bill live – the guy sounds great on record but on a live stage he’s always shouting too much and running out of breath. Except that Swings doesn’t sound great on record either, obviously.
Ravi feat. Chillin Homie – Gray Zone
All those people laughing at Rain’s “Gang” for being “so bad it’s good or maybe just bad”, have those people even heard or seen what the rest of these clowns do?
OH AND LET’S NOT FORGET THAT OTHER BUCKET OF SHIT TV SHOW NOBODY WITH A LIFE WATCHES OR CARES ABOUT “ROAD TO KINGDOM”
ONF – New World
Oh wow I thought it was going to be great but they had to do one of those choruses, didn’t they. What a fail.
Oneus – Come Back Home
Another song with a cool buildup that then kind of kind of turns to shit. Is the theme of this show “how to ruin a cool intro”? I do like the ultra-deep rapping at 2:26 though, once he’s done and dusted with k-pop, that guy’s movie trailer voiceover career awaits.
Pentagon – Basquiat
Stompy silliness, no actual song here.
Ab6ix – Red Up
And yet another song where it all sounds fine to begin with and then the chorus turns up and is some total bullshit ass cancer.
Verivery – Beautiful-x
I guess the “cool intro” theory goes out the window because this one just has some awful jazz segue or whatever. This cutesiness is really blowing the “epic” theme of the rest of the show, guys.
The Boyz – Checkmate
Fans of The Boyz will never forgive me for interviewing Eric’s alleged bully victim, but they actually have the best song out of this particular TV show. Maybe they threatened to meet the songwriter after school.
MALE CUTE CONCEPTS SECTION
Aweek – One Four Three
How come nobody ever talks about the “cute concept” when men do it? Oh that’s right, because when men do it people actually believe it. Don’t worry kids I’m sure none of these nice boys are involved in drugs, dating, sex, prostitution, sexual assault, drinking, drink-driving or anything like that… I mean look how sincerely they look at the camera.
Cravity – Cloud 9
We love our fun-loving, innocent pure boys. As we know, every teenage male ever is a bastion of purity and light-coloured knitwear-clad innocence. They’re so innocent that they probably own less than three pinups of Yua Mikami in their lockers between them.
Nu’est – Best Summer
Even older guys in groups can do “innocent” concepts. They’re all still virgins, you know. When they receive molka texts they just scroll past them and say to each other “gosh, that Seungri sure is a rascal!”
W24 – Joahaeyo
Okay now we’re just taking the piss. Surely.
COMPLETELY GAY PRIDE MONTH CLUB MUSIC SECTION TO WARM YOU UP FOR THE NEW KPOPALYPSE GAY SEX THEMED COMPUTER GAME THAT COMES OUT SOON AND WILL BE GAY AF SO GET READY YOU GAYLORDS BECAUSE IT WILL BE GAYER THAN AN ANAL CUNT RECORD
N.O.M – I’m Not But
Some artists courageously come out as gay in Korea, but some just don’t need to because their music and presentation says it all. Don’t underestimate the music though, N.O.M goes harder here than all your favourite boy group comebacks.
Cityboy From Seoul – Gossip Maker
Also a cool song if a little less interesting because it’s so minimal. It’s actually worth reading the promotional blurb for this one, and it’s one of the rare times where the promotional blurb actually has a use, as it explains the context of the weird shit you’re seeing really well.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
I’m Live – BOL4
You know how it is when your friend who’s prettier and more popular than you are invites you out to go clubbing and you think she’s being all nice and kind but really she’s doing it just so she can use your relative lack of charm to make her look like “the better option”? Now imagine having that happen in public in front of an entire country of pop fans for years. You can’t really call someone out on such sly manipulation because it’s so easy to deny, the only way to neutralise that shit is to stop hanging out altogether and go solo. Ex-BOL4’s Jiyoon is smart and knows what’s fucking up. Many guys probably wouldn’t believe it but more socially-advanced girls know it for sure, and that shit gets raw when you’re the one on the lower end of the scale. BOL4 are a big deal in Korea, one of the very, very few “indie” groups with genuine celebrity status and probably even making decent money, imagine breaking up a hugely successful duo group like that purely because you’re not getting any shine. You know it’s fucking serious, man. Look at singer Jiyoung in this video recorded right near the end of BOL4’s status as a duo, she’s clearly outshining everybody and Jiyoon is just calmly tolerating it, what a saint. Give that girl a Nobel peace prize, or at least some objectification votes man.
That’s all for this week’s roundup! Kpopalypse returns with more new songs next week!