It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

TXT – Puma

A try at something kind of atmospheric and weird like f(x)’s “Red Light” ruined by dull trap pacing and too much R&B “woohooaa-oooaooo”.

Victon – Mayday

Someone call the military, Blockberry’s missile silo has been taken over by dull rapping boys.

Gidongae – Party Like This

Remember when boy group debuts actually had some punch to them?  Someone bring the excitement back to k-pop please.  We’re starving out here.

Super Junior-K.R.Y – When We Were Us

When I actually hold back the Roundup because I’m waiting for the new Super Junior K.R.Y to drop, that’s when we know we’ve hit the bottom of the barrel of weeks in k-pop.

F.able – Burn It Up

I didn’t mind putting this stage performance one in because F.able are too nugu to even afford a music video so this is probably all we’re going to get anyway.  Unfortunately there’s not much “burning” happening here musically.

Ha Sungwoon – Get Ready

Dull funk music with no real hook or anything of interest, for oppa stans only.

Lay – Lit

Using ancient Chinese locations to film a song in the weakest of all imported musical styles has to be some kind of cultural offence.  I’m not sure what exactly but I’m willing to invent one.

Seo Eunkwang – No One Knows

Just another ballad, as generic as they come.

Danggisio – Last Dream

As far as rock songs go it’s not amazing but you can at least tell that this is a real rock band because he actually knows which direction to sing into the Shure Super 55 to get a sound out of it.

Rain ft. Sik-K, pH-1, Jay Park, Haon – Gang (Official Remix)

Honestly, despite its newfound viral fame as a k-pop disaster, I didn’t think “Gang” was that bad.  Okay, it wasn’t “good”, but compared to pretty much every single song in this week’s roundup, it actually stands up about equal.  It’s no more or less laughable than Lay or TXT’s crap this week, and those songs will age just about as well as “Gang” did.  This remix is actually not musically different whatsoever, it’s only the vocals that are different, and therefore my opinion of it isn’t any different either.

M1nu ft. Skinny Brown, Kuzi – Nabi

It’s a really bad week, folks. 

EK ft. GV – Bomb Head

I guess social distancing has gone out the window, in favour of “musical distancing”.  This is definitely at least 1.5m away from anything I’d consider good music.

Icey Blouie – I Gotta Stay High

Okay, so crap auto-tune is nothing new for rap losers, nor is stupid face tattoos, but this guy actually can’t even rap in time.

ClaD – Mon Paris

The hat he’s wearing looks so much like the microphone he’s using, this seems like some weird performance art piece called “two objects at rest”.

Layone ft. Verbal Jint – Sunflower

I think Verbal Jint is one of those guys who will appear on anything for the right price.  It’s like that time Kool G. Rap did some rap with some cringey kid, you know he must have got paid truckloads for that because who the fuck would do it otherwise.

Unik – As It Is

This girl can relate, she isn’t even credited here for her guest spot on this rubbish.

Unik – 20200215

You know a song is completely bereft of any ideas or musical worth when they don’t even know what to call the fucking thing so they just use the date that they wrote it for the song title.

Goldstar – Boy, Be An Astronaut

Cruisy and pleasant and exactly the type of song I don’t need to hear from anybody in Korea.

G.Nine – U Down?

I’m sure people will start complaining about everybody shoehorning #BlackLivesMatter into the front of their music videos because it seems so tokenistic and fake-woke in some cases, but honestly I’m grateful because it’s actually the best thing about these shitty songs.  Making a social contribution is a good second-best if you can’t actually write music.

Ha Hyunsang ft. Rohann – Nostalgia

Using a guitar to do the lame tropical house style hook does not give you a free pass.

Summer Soul ft. Justhis – Tinder

Come on now, writing gimmicky songs about social networking is Chad Future’s turf, careful or he might sue.

Bang Yedam – Wayo

I’m sorry to report that a YG token acoustic ballad is actually the best song this week.

Queen Wa$abii ft. Purple Bitch – Look At My

I think these girls were just joking around and they decided to put this out for laughs because fuck it why not.  Gotta respect the attitude even if the song is unlistenable.  Meanwhile, the case for twerking not actually being all that sexy strengthens.

OV ft. Gaho, Godok – Blue Sky

She couldn’t cry for the cameras on cue so instead everyone in the film crew just urinated on her.  It’s an okay video if you’re into that, I guess.

Punchnello ft. Meenoi – Us

Fender Rhodes disaster.

Hash – Delete

That seems like a great idea, don’t mind if I do, I mean it’s pretty rubbish.  But… is that an unreleased Twice song I hear in the background at 2:20?

Newton ft. Ina Bravo – Dance By Myself

Newton ft. Taru – Dance By Myself

Two different versions of the same song, sung in different languages by different people, just in case you give a fuck about things like that (I don’t).  Song is pretty good anyway, and I’ll take Taru’s version because if I can’t understand the words I’m spared from knowing how insipid they are.

The Solutions – Dance With Me

Another song which is structurally tropical house crap but they jsut try to pass it off as something else by having some guitar in there.

Rainbow Note – Tonight

Rainbow Note are a group who theoretically should be good, but keep just having bland songs.

Ginjo ft. Ten, Xiaojun – The Riot

Doesn’t it make you just wanna riot right now?  Okay, maybe not.

Dayday – Test Me

Where I live there’s an Indian grocer called DayDay and they suck too.  Always the worst food.

Seong Guk, Jay Moon ft. Khundi Panda – If You Got

Basically just a 2- year old dance beat and people crapping on over the top.

Jungkey ft. Jeebanoff – WeekEnd

Holy shit this is boring.  Spare your mental health and don’t click.  All his other songs this week suck too, I just deleted them off roundup because fuck it there’s only so many hours in a day I’m willing to waste listening to this trash.  Boring music for boring people.

Lunch – I Don’t Need You

Not sure why people are asking the cut-price BOL4 to collab with the actual BOL4, if you mix grey with grey the result is just grey.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Shaun – Way Back Home (Vietnamese version) – cover by LUNCH

So you want random videos – how about our friend Lunch doing a cover of Shaun’s sajaegi chart-topper “Way Back Home” a.k.a one of k-pop’s only good tropical house songs, in Vietnamese, in her bedroom, with a plush seahorse?  It’s videos like these that make you think how there really are infinite parallel universes, including one that’s exactly like the current universe in every detail, except that the seahorse is on the right side of the bed instead of the left side.

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That’s all for this week’s roundup – more next week – and DON’T FORGET that the KPOPALYPSE 2020 OBJECTIFICATION SURVEY IS NOW OPEN FOR VOTING!  CLICK HERE and vote for your faves, and don’t forget to spread the survey far and wide to maximise your chances of victory!  Stay safe, caonimas!