Kpopalypse explains how to be a real hip-hop, with help from Agust D

Real hip-hop, I have found it.

Gosh, there’s so much fake-ass rap out there in the k-pop scene.  I’ve always been craving a k-popper to bring me some real hip-hop. 

We can’t all be like Loona’s Go Won who has hip-hop naturally exuding from the pores of her flawless skin.  So it’s a good thing that I found out about Agust D just now, who appears to completely embody everything that hip-hop is about and should be sufficient to educate you.  Don’t worry, being a hip-hop isn’t that difficult, just follow these cool tips.

How to be a real hip-hop #1: don’t use your real name

We all know that real rappers don’t use their real names.  I have no idea why this is, but it’s true.

So when I heard about Agust D at first I was like “who is this nugu” but then I gradually figured out through careful detective work that this guy is actually also called Suga, a guy from some group called BTS.

Thanks to all the readers who helped me out here, as I have terrible trouble with these k-pop groups, I mean there’s so many, nobody can remember them all.  But then, I discovered something even more amazing, Suga isn’t even Suga.  When researching this article I of course went straight to the k-pop database at where I found that Suga’s name is actually Min Yoongi!

So Agust D doesn’t just have a stage name for his real name, but he also has a stage name for his stage name.  This makes him 200% a hip-hop, along with rap superstars like Wu-Tang’s Ghostface Killah, a.k.a Dennis Coles a.k.a. Ironman a.k.a Tony Starks. and Raekwon a.k.a. Corey Woods a.k.a. The Chef a.k.a. you get the idea.

How to be a real hip-hop #2: rap about how you are the best and have all the things, and others do not

You’ve probably heard rap historians talk about how rap is an important social movement with cutting-edge lyrics examining issues of political and class struggle.  Well don’t listen to any of that because that’s actually false, rap is really about telling people all about how you are great and have all the things, and how other not-directly-specified people are not great and don’t have the things.  Just ask Agust D.

Below are the lyrics to Daechwita (source), which I have colour coded for your ease of interpretation:

Blue = “I am the best and have all the things”
Red = “You other people are not the best and do not have all the things”
Green = other

Daechwita, Daechwita, play it loud, Daechwita (Yeah-yeah)

Glitter, glitter, looka at my crown glitter
Remember, remember, days gone by remember
We so fly, we so fly, private jets, we so fly
Mmm, uh, born a slave but now a king
Berserk tiger, Gwanghae flow
Born in a ditch but rise up a dragon
That’s the way I live
Sorry, but don’t worry
I got lots to lose
Shove the past into a rice chest
I’m about to dine on what I know is mine
Shut up, yeah, mmm you calling me a pup, yeah
I was born as a tiger, I’m not a weak pill-popper like you
Pathetic fucks putting on a talent show
Not gonna lie, what a shitshow
I got no pretensions, just kill ’em all
Ain’t no exceptions, I watch you fall
Flexing, I got none, I don’t need one
Who’s the king, who’s the boss?
You all know my name
All shit-talk they got no game
Off with their heads, ah

Daechwita, Daechwita, play it loud, Daechwita (Yeah-yeah)

Hit this town, then cut and run in a jet, this country’s too small to hold me in yet
Woo, who says time is money? My time is worth more than that
Tic tok, in the face of those Seonbi bastards I spit
Revenues keep going up-up-up-up-up-up and up
Everyday, Bang PD goes dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance
I’m so thankful, I’m a genius
That’s your excuse for popping pills, cry me a river, you just got no skills
I got everything I wanted, what more will make me feel contented?
I wanted clothes, clothes, then money, money, then goals, goals, now what’s next?
Yeah, what’s next? Here comes my reality check, there’s nowhere higher
I only looked up and now I want to look down and put my feet on the ground
I’m a king, I’m a boss
Remember my name
All shit-talk they got no game
Off with their heads
I’m a king, I’m a boss
Remember my name
All shit-talk they got no game
Off with their heads

Daechwita, Daechwita, play it loud, Daechwita (Yeah-yeah)

As you can see the message of the song is very clearly defined with over 95% of the lyrics being about how Agust D has things and others do not.  You can “looka at his crown glitter”.

You may think “well that’s just one song” – but no.  To be a consistent hip-hop you need to explore this theme across many songs.  Let’s take a look at the lyrics for another song on his mixtape called “What Do You Think?” (source):

What do you think? What do you think?
No matter what you think, I’m sorry, but shit, I have no fucking interest

Sorry, I have no fucking interest in your meddling life
Or the fact that you can’t escape the manure bucket after being ruined
Crazy that you’d think that my success has a connection to your failure
Your delusions are first-rate, fuck you
Your senses of humor are so so; the fact that you’re fucked is your fault, no-no?
The ******** who’re listening to this song are so freaking pissed they faint
Without reversing, I’m zooming straight forward once again, I’m global, so fly huh
I have no need to do it. Flexing but I’m on a chartered plane. So fly huh
Consume it all, each and everything of ours that we’ve been doing all this time
For I’m not concerned by stray grains of rice that’ve stuck
Just like they’ve fallen off of their own accord, the whole lot of them. Go fuck yourself, huh

What do you think? What do you think?
No matter what you think, I’m sorry, but shit, I have no fucking interest

The ten zeros in my bank account, that money is the collateral for my youth
I got a big house big car big ring, bring anything over, I’ll give it to you, my black card
The bastards that received media benefits were on-air more often than me
And the brats that boast about their money, you have to wonder how much they could’ve actually earnt
Woo woo, yeah, money boasts are only cute to me now
Woo woo, dividing it only feels bad at your level
Woo woo, we’ll be sure to go to the military when it’s time, so
All the bastards who tried to sell our name to freeload off us, shut up

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know
At this point, there’s no need to know
I have no fucking interest in those who ask whether idol music is music
It’ll be your last present, but this too is a luxury for you all
Higher, higher, even higher, to the point you won’t even be able to see me, uh

What do you think? What do you think?
No matter what you think, I’m sorry, but shit, I have no fucking interest

I think I see a theme emerging.  Clearly the vast majority of the verses of any rap song should always be about how you have the things, and others do not.

How to be a real hip-hop #3: wear things around your neck

Some of those things would presumably include the things that one wears around their neck to prove that they are a real hip-hop.  After all what’s the point of talking about things, if you can’t show them?  Here are some things.

Agust D – wears things around his neck:

Suga in rap mode – wears things around his neck:

BTS in non-rap mode – no neck things:

BTS in non-rap mode – no neck things (they would get in the way of the bedazzled dresses which I must admit look great on the seven BTS members):

The evidence is clear.  To be a hip-hop, wear neck things.  You will see this pattern in the west too, the love of neck things is well known.

How to be a real hip-hop #4: pretend that you like it when people die

Despite their incessant shit-talking about how others should die, rappers don’t really like it when people die because that’s one less sheep to spend money on their pathetic mumbling incoherent nonsense, but it’s cool to pretend.  So when a global pandemic infects millions of of people around the world, be sure to look on the positive side!  Watch the following video where at 24:20 Suga credits COVID for the existence of his latest song “Daechwita”.

Of course the Coronavirus pandemic has been a huge inspiration to the rap world, full of creative potential to be mined:

Rappers love the coronavirus because rappers are tough, just look at how right the Russians were:

Even before the latest pandemic, rappers were rapping about pandemics in general, listen to this song where the Ebola virus is referenced:

Remember rappers don’t get sick:

So don’t worry, you’re a hip-hop so you’re safe!  Agust D knows what these veteran hip-hoppers know – that pandemics are a lie that is only good for rap creativity.

How to be a real hip-hop #5: sample crazy racist cult leaders for cool rap intros

You’re not a real hip-hop unless you have a cool hip-hop intro to your songs, and there’s nothing cooler than some random crazy guy at the start of your song talking some nonsense.  Listen to “What Do You Think?” where Agust D a.k.a Suga a.k.a Yoongi a.k.a your mum uses a speech from crazy racist cult leader Jim Jones.

This is not only cool as fuck but it is in the grand hip-hop tradition of people sampling crazy racist cult leaders for cool rap intros:

Badass, right? The only problem with this is that we may run out of racist cult leader speeches one day.  Perhaps this is the real reason for the recent decline of hip-hop.  I appeal to all racist cult leaders out there to make more recordings of themselves so we can see an increase in hip-hop quality again thank you.

Hopefully this post has been helpful and you are now on your way to becoming a real hip-hop!  Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon!

8 thoughts on “Kpopalypse explains how to be a real hip-hop, with help from Agust D

      • Actually I did read up on this extensively and honestly, I couldn’t find any evidence at all that Jim Jones was anti-black, in fact he was an “integrationalist” and very active in the civil rights movement. Yeah he killed all those people and they were mostly black, but there’s no evidence that the mass killing was specifically racially motivated. However he might still qualify as a racist anyway as he seemed to really dislike his own race – so the racism comment stays in!

        • sorry, i was trying to respond to the person who made the comment in the first place, whydoineedawptopost. i was telling him to research instead of calling JJ an integrationist, JJ being the vile person who i was referring to. i thought it would add my reply in chronological order, instead of putting mine after yours which would make it look like i was responding to, kpopalypse.
          altho, with the way comment/reply threads work, i thought u would have worked out that i was responding to the other person since its not indented enough to look like im responding to u? sorry for the confusion. i just kept waiting for someone to correct whydoineedawptopost to post or at least say sth in response and no1 did so i did.

        • I think he knows that Jim Jones killed a bunch of people. I mean, we all know that, that’s like the one thing everyone knows about him. As far as racism goes I couldn’t find a direct link between the murders and racism though, and I did look pretty hard. If you can point me in the direction of something specific that proves the link I’d be interested to read it…

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