It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s take a look at some new releases!

This roundup marks the long-awaited return of Betsy!

Betsy will be sharing the roundup duties this week and throwing down on each song in traditional roundup style (i.e writing the first sentence of complete bullshit that comes into our heads).  Please enjoy tag-team roundup reviews!

Hong Jinyoung – Love Is Like A Petal

BETSY: I didn’t know Trot was like still a very active thing in life – I feel they (they in general) need to reinvent it a little? And I don’t think this is reinventing? A part of me thought it was quite KARA-lite, but does that mean KARA were reinventing trot, and we just didn’t know? Please can K-pop videos S T O P burning flowers, thank you. 

KPOPALYPSE: Part T-ara ballad, part tango, part trot, all sounding good and with a very stilted Hong Jin Young looking nearly BB-creamed to death.

Kim Jungyeong – Guardian Angel

BETSY: I don’t know who this dude is, but oh god more trot. I just woke up – I had a dream I was on a camping holiday with Joe Exotic on the English coast. He had a really nice big black dog, which I’m pretty sure wasn’t in the documentary. 

KPOPALYPSE: The male version isn’t bad either.  I guess if your boy group career doesn’t work out, a stab at the “Korean adult contemporary” market is probably worth a try.  Beats retail.

(G)i-dle – Oh My God

BETSY: [Betsy missed out on this one due to timezone differences.]

KPOPALYPSE: The best G-idle song yet still isn’t all that it could be, it’s mainly crippled by the weird decision to slow the chorus down to funeral tempo.

TOO – Magnolia

BETSY: I think we’ve entered a new realm of how all boy group music videos should be like; I think it’s mostly Seventeen’s fault, and probably NCT’s Boss. I don’t have much to say about the song… There’s just a lot of boy group videos that look exactly like this. 

KPOPALYPSE: The verses are a bit daft but the rest of it isn’t too terrible, it’s saved by some backings that take the edge off the silly rapping.

Onewe ft. Hwasa – Q

BETSY: I think once you have the name Hwasa attached to a song, you know what you’re getting; a song that sounds like someone hasn’t open their mouth to sing. 

KPOPALYPSE: Like EXID’s LE, Hwasa is someone who is quite attractive but her stylists and costume designers are determined to make look like shit as often as possible.  A tracksuit is not appropriate attire for anywhere outside an exercise environment, and even the guys’ fake scars look better than her makeup.

H&D – Unfamiliar

BETSY: It’s 2020, and there are idols who still try and rap-sing like G-Dragon. 

KPOPALYPSE: Double the pianos just means double the ballad boredom.

Max – Chocolate

BETSY: [Betsy missed out on this one due to timezone differences.]

KPOPALYPSE: Lots of cool moves and cool sounds, but no real song.

Monsta X – Wish On The Same Sky

BETSY: By the title I knew it would be a ballad, and as the resident anti-ballader ex-writer on Asian Junkie – I can not accept this into my ears.

KPOPALYPSE: This is the song where Monsta X remind you that they sometimes think about true love while cooling down from anime porn game faps. 

The Boyz – Break Your Rules

BETSY: I’ve always seen The Boyz as an extra unit of NCT + they are the family-friendly non-noise-pop version of NCT.  In the same light as NCT, most of their b-sides are really boy group decent.  Also Kevin is a nice dude. 

KPOPALYPSE: I think it’s fashion rules rather than any musical rules which are being broken here.

CIX – Revival

BETSY: Something feels very off-putting with the first 50 seconds – like the music video doesn’t match the song? I’m very confused. 

KPOPALYPSE: The song sounds like it’s building up for ages to something that doesn’t quite end up happening, like when you fap to a JAV and you time it all wrong so you accidentally blow your load during some random frame of some 80 year old guy grimacing and your orgasm comes out feeling all muted and weird.

Hynn – When I Tell You Goodbye

BETSY: Another ballad – how has everyone been recently? I got a new job recently, which I’ve been laid off cos of COVID – I was doing site management 100 artists in one building, alone. It was wild. I also been diagnosed with a rare lung disease, that I could ultimately have a life expectancy – it really has been a wild 6 months. I had my biopsy 4 days before I started working, lmao, the song has ended. 

KPOPALYPSE: You can almost see the bones inside her cheeks dislocate when she opens her mouth.

Yaeji – What We Drew

BETSY: Is talking part of the song? I am fan of most shoegaze/shoegaze-lite songs. I am a goth queer girlie, who loves original emo like Curve, Angelfish, Copper, Rainer Maria – so this sound isn’t like refreshing or new to me, it’s just something – it actually reminds me of early day Grimes. 

KPOPALYPSE: People are always asking me if I like either this girl or her music, and like… no?  There’s good-different and then there’s just aimlessly farting about and being dull.

Boramiyu – Pit A Pat

BETSY: I feel we’ve seen this type of solo countless of times, so who’s excited for Apink’s comeback? I’m ready for Chorong to eat me up, please. 

KPOPALYPSE: There’s something about putting a 30 year old woman in blonde pigtails and making her do aegyo which just screams “the people behind this probably act inappropriately around farm animals”.

Gwangil Jo – Acrobat

BETSY: My first thought when he opened his mouth was; is he okay?

KPOPALYPSE: The light-speed rapping out of nowhere is kind of neither here nor there because I don’t know what the fuck he’s saying which makes it hard to appreciate, but it has a beat so it just ascended into the top 10% of rap songs this year anyway.

Blase – Chance + Roadmen

BETSY: Since my break of writing about K-pop, I’ve completely removed myself from K-hip-hop, because I just haven’t had the time in my brain. But interesting choice of calling a song Roadmen, maybe the scene will go down Grime. Would be interesting to see how Korea would do UK Hip Hop. 

KPOPALYPSE: And now we return to our usual bullshit program.

Ga Eun ft. Nafla – Stop It!

BETSY: She’s hot. 

KPOPALYPSE: Don’t worry, I wasn’t thinking anyway.

Jane B ft. Charcoal – All To U

BETSY: I think the instrumental I’ve heard a lot in K-pop/and shoegaze-lite-rnb before already? 

KPOPALYPSE: What a bunch of boring ramble.  The guest spot doesn’t even add anything because he sounds as shit as she does.

Jane B – Is It True?

BETSY: It’s just kinda the same as the last one – I’m indifferent. If you’re into background music whilst doing school work, sure, it’s for you. 

KPOPALYPSE: Is it mean that I just want to push her in the water.  Probably, but it would certainly brighten up the video a bit.

Bigone & Tommy Strate – F♥ck

BETSY: As a gay woman, I’m kinda bored of this type of shit. Great you love women, so do I, but not like this. 

KPOPALYPSE: Replacing the u in “fuck” with a heart is like guys coming up to you in the club and asking “what’s your star sign”.  Streetwise people should avoid.

Cri De Joie ft. Rook, Rlervine – Bed

BETSY: What a name.  I wonder if there’s a math nerd who reads this blog and AJ, willing to do an equation.  How many Trot song, with K-pop songs, and Hip Hop songs/Ballad songs, takes us to the mediocre pop.  It would be an interesting take; like, we may have to stay indoors for maybe the next 6 months – so why not?  Math nerd, can we do like the last 18 months or something. 

KPOPALYPSE: Nice intro to your shit song, fuckheads.

Monello ft. Kuzi, 8loody Valentine – Low Life

BETSY: Can we add to these equations, to who will we add Autotune to a song.  Since I’m also training on the side to be an archivist, my mind has been on data too. 

KPOPALYPSE: Using the word “shorty” in a rap song is just is a way of saying “I feel threatened by tall women because I’m mentally deficient”.

Icey Blouie ft. Futuristic Swaver – Make U Smile

BETSY: How many times have we heard this instrumental? 

KPOPALYPSE: They failed.

Silly Boot – Bluejeans, Barefeet

BETSY: At least his lyrics are unapologetic – I feel it’s more like a diary entry, if anything. 

KPOPALYPSE: Well now he has “some more attention for real”, happy to help I guess.

Lolly & Lil 9ap – Tears 9.9

BETSY: Is he okay? It’s amazing what passes, eh?

KPOPALYPSE: Those dreads are so weedy and poorly twisted that they probably wouldn’t even register on the Asian Junkie cultural appropriation problematic scale.  At least put some effort in.

Dope’Doug – Better

BETSY: Just as I think this could be good, but the vocals are a lot more quiet than the instrumental? What’s up with that? Okay, he’s only had 360 views – I’ll give him a chance. 

KPOPALYPSE: I was relieved to notice that this was all CGI and green screen.  We wouldn’t want someone like this actually running around in the real countryside, who knows what environmental devastation would result.

Odee – 4k + Not At All

BETSY: I was talking about how Korea would do grime, this pretty grime (well, first half of the song). But anyone called Odee, reminds me of that BTS fan Odie, who does the most ridiculous threads on BTS. 

KPOPALYPSE: Metal teeth just means that you’re a grot who drinks soft drink all day and has no hygiene.

Code Kunst ft. Jay Park, Woo, Giriboy – Flower

BETSY: Jay Park can stop. 

KPOPALYPSE: Listening to Jay Park singing about how “life is like a flower” is like listening to that rapist 2Pac singing a song about how he loves his mum.  Look, we already know you’re a fuckwit, just shut up and embrace it. 

Jaeha ft. Hahoe x Moai – Star

BETSY: Honestly, is this another pandemic? Why is there so many hip hop/rap this week??????

KPOPALYPSE: Is there really a Korean Pringles clone called “Easy Cheese”?  With a name like that it must taste great, I want to order some for my girlfriend.

Feeldog ft. Jvde, Zelo – Friends

BETSY: Is he still dating Bora?

KPOPALYPSE: Recording your video on the shittiest camera ever even though there are good modern cameras available is like writing an awful R&B/rap hybrid piece of fucking shit when you could have made it sound like Mobb Deep in the 1990s.  Imagine a whole generation of Korean rappers choosing to fail this badly… well I guess you don’t have to imagine because it’s happening right in front of you, right here, every week.

Dbo – Sticky Top

BETSY: I AM ROLLING MY EYES PLEASE. 

KPOPALYPSE: The only thing better than the gratuitous T&A here is when the police bust in halfway through the video shoot and tell him to just stop with the shit song already.

Lokid ft. EB – Cherry Blossom

BETSY: Do all your readers actually listen to these songs?

KPOPALYPSE: I listen to songs like this so my readers don’t have to.

5But – White Night

BETSY: Are we in the ballad part of the list now? Wow, that dishwasher is really out of place.

KPOPALYPSE: It’s that guy from Hexagonal Water if he did his own body weight in valium instead of cocaine.

 

Repenteve ft. Charsuu – Time Doesn’t Wait

BETSY: Is this a YouTuber? Song could have done without the rapper, and a better music video.

KPOPALYPSE: Does every Korean female singer ever really have a human’ sized teddy bear or is that just a music video thing.

Samui – I’m Okay

BETSY: R.i.p Fish. I think I could cope listening to an album of his. 

KPOPALYPSE: I feel about as excited as that fish.

Samui – It Happens

BETSY: Okay, I said I could cope, but I don’t think I could? I thought he was more emo, than your common ballad star. I think it was the fish, they lead me on. 

KPOPALYPSE: Actually very little happens.

So Soo Bin – Umm

BETSY: Add to the equation of average indie singers too.

KPOPALYPSE: The good parts of the song are where it just suddenly stops.  Pity it always starts again shortly after that.

Ashmute – I See

BETSY: As I said above. 

KPOPALYPSE: I really hate this art style.  You’re allowed to draw things properly, you know.

Flow Rat – Daylight

BETSY: FLOWRAT??????????????????? Please, I’m laughing. 

KPOPALYPSE: I was expecting some yolo hip-hopper fuckwit with a name like “Flow Rat”, not boring balladeering slop.  I feel like I just dodged a bullet by running in front of a moving train.

Kisnue – Friends

BETSY: It’s a song – maybe, I could cope listening to an album.

KPOPALYPSE: Speaking of traffic danger, this song reminds me that I nearly died the other day.  Seriously.  I was driving with my girlfriend along a main road and someone drove right in front of me cutting across at a 90 degree angle from a side street on one side of the road to another side street the other side.  They were going at full speed and clearly didn’t even look, they did this right in front of me.  Fortunately for me I was stuck behind some slowpoke cunt just before this happened which slowed down my travel time significantly for a few moments, if I wasn’t stuck behind that person the guy cutting across would have hit me in the driver’s side door and in a best case scenario I would be in the hospital right now and probably for many months – but more likely I’d just be dead.  Maybe that slow cunt I was in front of was listening to this boring shit and that was what was making him drive so casually in which case thanks Kisnue for saving my life with your crap music, bless you.

NIve x Sam Kim – Like A Fool

BETSY: Can we add this to that average indie equation? Or will I be beaten up by fans? 

KPOPALYPSE: I like it how they have the drama scenes in the video with the woman in them just so two guys singing a duet together doesn’t look gay.  That’s actually a really clever way that A-list k-poppers in the closet can sing their gay love ballads to each other without arousing suspicion from the MOGEF, nobody will ever suspect.

Edmmer – Zac

BETSY: We have entered the electric euro pop realm, and I’m not that mad. Nothing screams middle class than drinking whisky out of a wine glass.

KPOPALYPSE: He takes the pills and then the song starts, and it’s not too terrible (apart from the messy tropical shit in the chorus).  Maybe he could share some of those pills around the k-pop scene.

Seon Myeong – Comfort

BETSY: It’s a ballad – anyone watched any interesting k-dramas recently? I watched one recently, for the first time in a while – it’s called ‘Stranger from Hell’, it’s fucking amazing. I’m hoping to start a blog soon, on pop-culture that interests me. I was thinking of calling it ‘Betsy Writes Shit’ – and writing about this drama, because it’s that good. 

KPOPALYPSE: I feel strangely uncomfortable.

Ether – I’m Into You

BETSY: Add this to the equation, indie ballad songs that sound like they are stuck in the mid-00s. 

KPOPALYPSE: She eats a Smartie and nods her head like someone just told her the relationship between quantum computing and superstring theory.  It must be a fun life being a dumb bitch.

Kyeonghye Kwon – Tick Tock

BETSY: ADD THIS TO THE EQUATION.

KPOPALYPSE: People who try to look like “Abbey Road” deserve to be hit by cars.

Ryoo Ha Eun – In My Blue

BETSY: The girl in the music video is hot? Is that her??? 

KPOPALYPSE: It would have been good if she had played that guitar instead of leaving it in its case.

Park Jiyoon – Flower

BETSY: I feel an album of hers would cure sleep paralysis. 

KPOPALYPSE: I know a guy who looks just like this woman.

Kwon Jin Ah – Something’s Wrong

BETSY: Another cure for sleep paralysis. 

KPOPALYPSE: Something’s wrong alright.

Alexa – Kitty Run

BETSY: [missed out on this one]

KPOPALYPSE: My cat was not interested.

Ji Jin Seok – Just

BETSY: Isn’t it a little insensitive to cough randomly these days? I can see him being the next feature on many popular K-pop songs in the future.

KPOPALYPSE: From the very first Rhodes chord you know that there’s nothing happening here of worth.

Jeong Yubin – Acluistic

BETSY: How do you find all these songs? Do you have a Reddit or something, and people send you whatever?

KPOPALYPSE: I don’t find these songs, they find me.  I try and run from ones like this whenever possible.

Green – Pretty

BETSY: 19 views whilst watching this, and I’m glad I’ve able to add to that count. I’m so lucky to witness this video. 

KPOPALYPSE: the mirroring of this creeps me out because it reminds me of Twisted Pair, the guy even has the same taste in denim.

OuiOui ft. Jaehee – Barabom

BETSY: In this ongoing equation, can there be a sub-genre of soft-spoken indie singers. I think there should be jazz singers, whisper singers, and soft-spoken singers in the indie part of the equation. 

KPOPALYPSE: More Koreans trying to sound like the weak-as-piss stuff from The Roots instead of the good songs that they did.

Liquor – Melt My Heart

BETSY: I am a sucker for nicely captured views/landscape. 

KPOPALYPSE: If the makers of wind farms knew how many times their structures would be used as props for shitty songs, they would have all went back to fossil fuel and nuclear power instead.

Bandage – Invisibles

BETSY: Omg a new genre of the indie equation – singers who sound like they are not opening their mouth when they sing, Hwasa could be under this category, and I think there’s a few in Hip Hop. Wow this equation is getting more exciting. 

KPOPALYPSE: Unfortunately, I can still see them.

MaseWonder – To The 25th Constellation

BETSY: It’s a nursery rhyme.

KPOPALYPSE: I like the aerial drone shots, they make me think about calling in an artillery strike.

Wanted – On A Tearful Day

BETSY: It’s a ballad – so I started drinking again recently, I was sober for over 2 years. Nothing hasn’t really changed, my tolerance is exactly the same. I have found out recently I do prefer red wine than the other wines. I used to hate red wine – I think it has something to do with turning 30 a few months ago. 

KPOPALYPSE: Just seeing the thumbnail and reading the song title already tells you everything you need to know about how this song sounds and why it won’t enhance your life.

NeD – Blossom

BETSY: Love a special clip, glad I was added to the 33 views. 

KPOPALYPSE: He doesn’t look like a singer, he looks like a real-estate agent showing me the property.  I’ll put down a deposit if he promises to stop making music for the term of my mortgage.

Gree – Him

BETSY: The amount of times autocorrect tried to correct that to ‘free’. 

KPOPALYPSE: Babies are so gross.  Stop shoving your kids in front of the camera, nobody wants to see them.

Coremagazine – It’s On

BETSY: Okay this is my shit – I think I could cope with an album of them. I think I’ll still be alive after. 

KPOPALYPSE: People think I forgot about this one last week but I just didn’t include it because it was just a little bit too boring.

Yurisa – Aria Of Serenity

BETSY: I dunno what it is about Japanese ballads, but I prefer them to Korean ones. Maybe because they have a slight metal-structure to them, thanks to Visual Kei in the 90s/anime soundtracks. My brain is not dying. 

KPOPALYPSE: This video is just Yurisa showing off her jawline and nothing else.  Mind you if I spent that amount of money on my jawshave I’d probably want some value out of it too, especially if there was a pandemic happening which meant that you had to wear a mask over it most of the time.

UZA – Odd

BETSY: I’m glad that I added to the 160 views that’s currently at.

KPOPALYPSE: Definitely not the best song from UZA’s new album “Banality Of Evil” (that would be the first two songs instead) but it’s still cool and that glassy guitar sound is to die for.  Maybe you should buy all her new tracks on Bandcamp for $7.

Dreamcatcher – Red Sun

BETSY: I much prefer their title track this time round. I am in love with Yoohyeon as a professional human being. 

KPOPALYPSE: Another Dreamcatcher song where the classical vibe dulls the trap aspects off enough to make it worthwhile.  They’re really trying to make it up to me for cancelling their Melbourne show which is nice of them.

BORING AS FUCK LYRIC VIDEOS WITH RANDOM DULL STREET SCENES SECTION

ABTB – A-void

BETSY: I kinda like this lmao – probably because I’ve been listening to way too much Stevie Nicks – but if that guitar at the beginning was less quiet, than it would be more Nicks. But then there’s like a pop-emo guitar solo in the middle. It’s confusing my ears, but I’m intrigued. 

KPOPALYPSE: I reviewed more Roundup submissions than usual this week to give Betsy something to get her teeth stuck into, but in this case I probably would have scrubbed this one out immediately just because it far exceeds the allowable quota of boring traffic scenes for roundup eligibility.  There are standards, you know.  Also it’s a”lyric video” and those are cancer 100% of the time.  Please don’t submit lyric videos unless the song is like totally fucking amazing and you can’t help yourself, thanks.

LondonIsland – Where Is The Island

BETSY: London is not an island. How are they gonna make all their songs about London and islands? 

KPOPALYPSE: I don’t even know where the island is but I wish this song would fuck off there.

Cossoff – U Didn’t Love Me

BETSY: This is a song.

KPOPALYPSE:  Another lyric video of a dreary song with nothing but boring street scenes.  Stop submitting this absolute shit to roundup, thank you.  There are standards.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Valorant Jett Gameplay Reveal

I wasn’t all that excited about Riot Games’ new Overwatch/CS:GO hybrid FPS shooter, I mean I suck at both of those games and who really needs another game out there like those two anyway – surely nobody.  Then I learned that the character Jett was voiced by based SHANNON WILLIAMS.  I am now okay with this.  Riot please take my money and give it to parent company Tencent to improve their Chinese social credit score system.  I just hope Jett says cool stuff when she dies because I have a feeling I’m going to be hearing whatever that is a lot in my near future.

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That’s all for Kpopalypse roundup!  Kpopalypse will return next week with more new songs!