Kpopalypse’s review of 2019’s jizz-slurping Christmas k-pop slop

Everybody loves Christmas – getting and giving presents, buying sparkly things in stores, bonding with family, annoying Christians with pagan materialism, annoying pagans by stealing their festivals, annoying woke people by engaging in rampant wasteful consumerism and not calling it “happy holidays”, annoying unwoke people by being charitable and kind to strangers, what’s not to like?  Oh that’s right, there’s a bunch of complete fucking bullshit k-pop Christmas songs that get released around this time that are shit and should be thrown into the deepest pits of hell.  Let’s take a look at 2019’s batch of Christmas bullshit for your entertainment!

Rules for this list:

  • Released in 2019
  • Songs are presented in chronological order of release
  • Christmas k-pop concepts only, “winter”, “snow” etc k-pop concepts with no specific Christmas content don’t cut the mustard
  • Songs must have some form of official MV even if it’s just a lyric video where Santa’s elves jerk off in a circle and paint the words “Merry Christmas” in jizz
  • Original songs only, or covers that I’m dumb enough to think are originals because I listen to Christmas songs pretty much never outside of this list
  • I probably forgot a few songs, please don’t waste your energy adding them in the comments below because nobody cares, trust me nobody will even look at this post ever again in a week from now

Time for Kpopalypse to listen to all the Christmas songs, so you don’t have to!  Let’s get started!


 

November 6th – Melomance – Festival

Every year there’s that one group or soloist that gets in on the Christmas action way sooner than everybody else, however usually it’s someone with something a little bit unusual, and not some ballad duo from the depths of coffee shop hell.  Nobody really gives a flying fuck about Melomance when they’re doing their normal crap, and they’re twice as likely to not give a fuck about this shitty song.  I’m pretty sure the members are right with us all on that – at 0:22 before they start inanely bopping around like your grandfather when he finally remembered where he put his hemorrhoid cream, the guy on the right shakes his head, seemingly pleading to the person behind the camera (who is no doubt holding a firearm of some sort) to please not force him to “do the thing with the arms”.  Unfortunately for him his pleas go unanswered and then we’re treated to three minutes of Christmas-like bollocks where these two clowns cosplay as actual musicians writing a song and not just copy-pasting chord progressions and melodies from every other Christmas song ever.  The special guest appearance from the microphone nobody in Korea knows how to use really steals the show, and it’s just as well it’s not actually plugged in because we’d really want the sound to carry as little as possible in circumstances like these.

November 20th – Vanilla Mousse – Popeye

More nugu time with super-early Christmas songs, and this one is actually kept fairly low key on the festive front, with the Christmas content only really being in the lyrics.  It’s times like these when I’m grateful that I’ve never made any solid concrete effort to learn Korean, as missing out on whatever the fuck these people are singing certainly feels like dodging a cannonball of yuletide manure.  Having said that, musically this is surprisingly not too bad, and I don’t think I’ve seen this much shredding guitar work on a Christmas song in recent memory.  Enjoy it while you can because it’s all downhill from here.

November 23rd – Okdal – Beautiful As You Are

I had to look closely, but it’s actually a birthday celebration in this video, not a Christmas celebration.  Okdal, you just dodged a bullet.  Move along, nothing to see here.

November 27th – CSVC – Just 4 U…

The nugus are all over Christmas this year, I’ve got to say that I’m impressed with their proactiveness.   CSVC have got a pretty rad video with some weird-ass CGI featuring all sorts of oddities like random computer-generated landscapes, polygon snowmen, and the girls even nearly getting hit by a train right near the end.  Come to think of it, I don’t there have been any tragic k-pop related train accidents in Korea yet, something that I’m sure k-pop will get around to eventually, but this song is so cheesy and terrible that it’s enough to make me want to jump in front of a few trains of my own.  The video also features the boxiest Santa that I’ve ever seen, I’ve watched it a few times and I can’t tell if there’s actually a guy in a suit or if the Santa is 100% made out of cardboard boxes with Santa suit fabric stapled over it.  Nothing however is weirder than the section in the middle of the video where the three other girls of CSVC openly bully the fat girl by hanging Christmas ornaments on her and then posing in front of her as if she’s nothing more than a chubby yuletide pin-board backdrop.  She can barely even crack a smile during the rest of the video, you know those girls are probably telling her to LSWF every day and hiding her lunches.  Kpopalypse demands rights for chubby girls in Christmas k-pop videos, someone send her a food support program.

December 1st – Son Hyun Mi – Mommy Santa Claus

Holy fucking shit this video is creepy as fuck.  I’m sure that all of you reading this have watched David Lynch’s excellent “Lost Highway“, but if not, then go and watch it all the way through at least twice (because it takes at least two watches to work out what the fuck is even going on in that film), and then come back here after you’re done.  Great, now that you’re back and Christmas is now over, I’m sure you’ll see the parallels in “Mommy Santa Claus” where this woman is stalking her way through her own house, reading letters from her children that she doesn’t have that she actually wrote herself and stuck them up on the walls earlier in some kind of freaky delusional episode.  Maybe she did have children once and they were taken away by child protection because she kept singing shitty Christmas songs to them while wandering through the house not being able to sit still or do any one thing for longer than five seconds, instead of feeding and clothing them.  Or perhaps they’re locked in the basement and she makes them draw her one shitty picture per day in return for promising their eventual freedom.  Either way, this is fucked up and probably should be banned or at least rated 19+.

December 2nd – WeGirls – Hello, Christmas

The agency behind WeGirls are smart enough to know that it’s not even worth making an effort doing a proper video for this type of bullshit, so I’ll do them a favour and not put any effort into my review either.  This sucks.  There, let’s move on.

December 5th – Jung Seung Hwan – My Christmas Wish

I don’t know Korean and there are no subtitles for this video so I watched it and tries to figure out what Jung Seung Hwan’s Christmas wish actually is.  After perusing this video, I can only guess that he’s going to spend his Christmas break hanging around in a coffee shop being a boring creepy piece of shit.  We can see him hanging around some chick in the coffee shop, taking secret photos of her and then developing them himself in his own darkroom because he doesn’t want the guy who works at the photo development place to catch on that he’s a stalker.  I guess it takes all types and far be it for me to judge him for his lifestyle choices, but if I were her I’d hire myself a security guard and get a restraining order that said this boring balladeering cunt had to maintain at least a 500m distance from me at all times.

December 6th – The Boyz – White

Whoever decided on the costumes for this video really wasn’t paying any attention to what was going on on-set at all.  Why is one of these guys wearing bunny ears?  It’s Christmas, not Easter you daft cunts, someone sack the set continuity person.  It just shows the care factor that these people really have for any of this bullshit, that they can’t even get the seasonal decorations right.  Still, let’s keep it on the quiet – the last thing we want is the world of k-pop discovering that Easter is a thing and then we get even more of this fucking bullshit in four months time.

December 8th – Ovan ft. Leebada – Christmas Rose

It’s a slow boring R&B christmas.  It could only be worse if it had a trap breakdown after the first chorus.

December 9th – Darksoul Virus & Merry Colbalt – ChristmasRing

What’s a nice nugu girl like Merry Cobalt doing in a shitty Christmas song like this?  Merry Cobalt has been on my Nugu Alert future coverage list for a while, but now she’s gone and blown it by releasing this ass.  Fortunately, nobody will remember this crap, so in a few months time when I finally do get around to the next “nugus who mrs even though they can’t do their own makeup that well” edition of Nugu Alert, people will still be like “wow where did you find this girl”.

December 9th – Sung Si Kyung, IU – First Winter

Just when IU had you fooled that she was going to stop making bullshit songs that suck, here she comes with some Christmas slop with some dude riding on her coattails.  She’s not even in the video, and no wonder.  Sucks for us though, the only good thing about most of her ballad videos is the fap potential.  Guess it’s back to “Through The Night” for me, then.

December 11th – Bree – Say It

I like how this video is timestamped for the day after it was released on YouTube.  I’m not sure if that’s a fuckup or if it’s deliberate but it’s like we’re looking 24 hours into the future and finding out that Christmas songs are still bullshit.

December 11th – BoA ft. Crush – Starry Night

“Queen of k-pop” blah blah fucking blah.  Not all queens are that great you know, like that one who died while fucking a horse because the horse fell on her.  “Starry Night” is the unsecured cast-iron horse-harness of Christmas songs.  (Actually she didn’t die that way at all, but it made you click, didn’t it.)

December 12th – Ailee – Sweater

“I’ll wear your Christmas sweater, always” is one hell of a lyric.  In Australia right now we’re having a heatwave with multiple days of up to 46°C (that’s 111°F for you people in hipster countries that have to be different from literally every other country in the world) and half the country is fucking on fire, and that’s actually kind of normal around Christmas time these days for us.  You think we want to hear a song about wearing a Christmas sweater?  That’s about as culturally sensitive to Australians as our idiot leader here telling all the people who lost their homes in bushfires that the performance of their local sports team might cheer them up and then fucking off to Hawaii while half the country burns.  Why Australia actually voted for someone with such poor bowel control, I have no idea.  Anyway, song sucks, Ailee get a better songwriter.  Next.

December 12th – Kanto, Ab6ix, Kang Min Hee, Yodayoung, BDC – Melting

If you were a k-pop girl would you trust yourself in a confined space with these guys?  I certainly wouldn’t.  I don’t think there’s enough room in those box sets for the ladies to feel comfortable.  I sense something really off about this.  Just wait, BrandNew Music sex scandal on the horizon.  I called it first.

December 13th – NCT U – Coming Home

December the 13th was a Friday and it figures, because we certainly got unlucky with this piece of shit that’s so bad half the NCT members conscientiously objected to being in the video at all on moral grounds.  Did you know that the 13th day of a month is statistically more likely to be a Friday than any other day?  It’s even more statistically likely that ballads from SM Entertainment around December suck a hard anal log.  Speaking of which, I’m pretty sure that whoever is singing at 3:05 was hugely constipated right at that moment.  You can almost hear the turd stretching the anal ring right there, especially with the way that high note ends and doesn’t really resolve itself.  That’s not a note, that’s a cry for help, jesus christ what are they feeding the NCT boys in that dungeon.

December 13th – JoHa – Magic

Wow, only 87 hits on this video when I reviewed it a full week after it was released, but it’ll still probably struggle to get over the 100 views mark even after this post gets published.  How fucking sad when someone has to do a crappy Christmas song to get attention and still nobody bothers.

December 15th – Woojoo Jjokkomi – White Winter

Who are these old dudes, why are they cracking onto the Itzy girls and why is SM Entertainment okay with all of this.  I thought they’d be a bit more streetwise than this after appearing in JYP’s molka elevator video, but I guess SM got the cash so they’ll take it.  Unfortunately that means we have to also take this bullshit music.

December 16th – Lucid Fall – Indecipherable Book

I guess the indecipherable book was called “how to write a Christmas song that isn’t boring as shit”.

December 17th – Siha – I Don’t Wanna Cry

She looks sad, but that Christmas tree in the background looks even sadder.  Holy hell set designer, can you fucking decorate?  Why does the tree look so barren?  Did you steal all the top branches to clean the soot out of the chimney so Santa wouldn’t chafe his ass on the way down?

December 18th – People And People – You Can Cry

Cry I well might.

December 18th – Hailey & John Park – Facetime

It was through this video that I learned that when people talk about “Facetime” they’re not just actually mis-saying “Facebook” because they’re computer illiterate, but actually talking about video calling on an iPhone app.  It took me this long to figure it out because I’ve never owned an iShit, or given an iShit.  Well, aren’t I a dumb cunt.  Song still sucks though.

December 19th – Bae In Hyuk – My Love (Merry Kissmas)

Oh my god it’s a light-jazz scat vocal Christmas disaster, and I mean “scat” in every sense of the word.

December 23rd – Busters – Don’t Be Too Late

Busters have had to deal with much unfair treatment but completely draw the line at Christmas shit.  This photo of them holding cakes is all they will consent to.

SOME OTHER RANDOM CHRISTMAS CONTENT

Twice’s Nayeon singing some Christmas bullshit

Between creepy stalkers who think they own her and creepy fans who also think they own her, and JYP who actually does own her (kind of), it sure must suck being Nayeon right now.  The poor girl can’t do anything anywhere now without being bothered by dickheads telling her how to run her life 24/7.  Watching her push out the Christmas aegyo here despite it all is right up there with watching that Tzuyu video as one of the most genuinely uncomfortable k-pop events you’ll ever see.  Imagine singing this, knowing exactly how certain people will interpret it.

AKMU’s Suhyun singing exactly the same Christmas bullshit

This is what aegyo looks like when it’s done with about 80% less fear.  I’m sure you remembered to turn the sound down like any sensible person, it’s an Ariana Grande song after all, nobody needs to hear that.

Here’s a nugu doing exactly the same Christmas bullshit

She legit hugs a Christmas tree.  Steady on there girl, that’s how fires start.

KARD also chip in with exactly the same Christmas bullshit

At least they didn’t add tropical house to it.

M.O.N.T are also here with guess what, yes that’s right exactly the same Christmas bullshit

I’m actually really disappointed that they didn’t slip a quick chant of “Dokdo is Korea’s land!” in somewhere.

Honey Popcorn’s Yua Mikami not singing any Christmas bullshit, thank fucking christ

This is Yua doing her Christmas makeup routine.  Don’t ask me what’s the difference between this and any other type of makeup routine she might do, I just wanted to end this post on something that someone out there might conceivably give a fuck about.  Merry Christmas, caonimas!

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