It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

SuperM – Jopping

A mercifully trap-free backing track stops the “jopping” from sounding as ridiculous as it could have, but this isn’t what SM need if they’re going to fill up the SperM bank in the USA.

Super Junior – I Think I

Cuban/Latin-inspired k-pop tracks just don’t work most of the time because they’re such a bad fit for the high-production gloss on everything else.  You’ve got to leave a few rough edges on the sound or there’s not much point.

Oneus – Lit

Much like Pentagon’s “Shine“, here a well-written riff is all it takes to drag an otherwise bland song above averagedom.

Vince ft. Okazian – Mennal

That terrible music for idiots.

Zico – Extreme

I’m not sure if I should believe Zico when he says so emphatically he never saw one of those molka videos – what if he is only saying it “in a musical sense“?

Zico – Human

Here’s his other song where we’re supposed to see the “human” side of Zico or whatever, but this sounds pretty machine-generated to me.  I think someone very smart (i.e not me) could program Chuu+ to write a better version.

Zico ft. Jvcki Wai & Yummda – Daredevil

Even Jvcki Wai can’t save him here.  Also, what the fuck is she wearing.  Even by Jvcki Wai standards, my eyes just can’t make sense of those clothes.

B-Bomb – Finale

Meanwhile one of the other Block B guys has a solo thing too, but it’s not yolo swig-sweg “I’m so hip-hop” fucking crap and there’s no video for it so nobody is really noticing this yet.

Limesoda – Wave

Tedious and trendy plink-plonk garbage gives way to an actually decent chorus.  There’s a good song here but it’s only half-written.

Purple Beck – Dream Line

Too overloaded with clashing melody to really be catchy.

Chungha & Rich Brian – These Nights

Chungha keeps striking out and this is possibly her worst appearance in anything yet.  She’s coming to Australia next month but I definitely won’t bother.

Dami – Once Upon A Time

Another complete waste of time Dreamcatcher side-project that nobody needs to hear.

Killagramz – Dance

Killagramz is always comically bad but once I stopped laughing at his hair I had to admit to myself that this backing track is kind of cool, even if he doesn’t do anything worth a damn over the top of it.  Also just putting it out there that if he was female he would be getting appearance-shamed to high heaven.

Chen – Shall We?

Thanks for at least asking politely but I will have to decline your kind offer.

Baek Z Young – We

This could have actually been good – there’s a decent rock groove here trying to get out and take the song somewhere fresh, but the whole thing is so drowned in hideous overblown vocalising and mushy strings that it never has a chance to really take off.

Argon – Give Me Dat

I guess the blur effect was added in editing to hide the fact that one of these guys has a mullet almost as tragic as Rich Brian.

Fanxy Red – Holla

When they start going “eeeh oh, eeeh oh” I’m out.

Melody Pink – Hey U

This song has been here before but thanks to the intrepid caonima who dug up the official video for it and left a comment letting me know it existed!  Of course, this doesn’t help the song any.

Kang Xiwon – Passionate Love

Not too bad in some places but still it’s about 80% bland and cringe to 20% stuff worth listening to.

JuniorChef ft. ShiGGa Shay, SonaOne & JP The Wavy – Domo

Why don’t they ever have rap songs these days about being unconcerned with material values?  Oh that’s right, it’s because most rap is made by idiots with the mental age of children who don’t know anything about life, happiness or music.

Lucia – Wuthering Heights

Overblown and dull, I just want Kate Bush to walk into the scene, rip that fucking tablecloth off her head and put it in her mouth so she stops singing.

Lucia – Hwa-Jo-Do : A Painting Of Flowers And Birds

I own a John Wayne Gacy painting that looks similar to the visual design of this video, I think it ruins the intended effect somewhat.

Jeong Sewoon – When It Rains

Just another ballad, move along.

Call Lee – 0AM

If you’re going to shave half your jaw off for a shot at a k-pop career, at least make sure your song is actually worth that level of pain.

Ha Minwoo ft. LeeYoungji – Let Me Love U

Despite being that trendy bullshit sound, this is actually a good song from some ex ZE:A guy, which just goes to show that a good song can sometimes rise above crappy textural choices.  Also it features a plastic bedsheet out of JYP’s wet dreams, plus a girl with a hot nose mole that is worth about 7.5 Qris.

Se So Neon – Go Back

On the other hand some songs are a little bit unusual, which is nice, but are still not actually any good.

Leebada ft. Penomeco – High

Seungri’s k-pop career might be over but it’s good to see that his plastic-coated couch is still getting a workout.

Sisso – Dream

It’s good to hear a softer vocal approach for fucking once but the song is crap so it doesn’t matter.

Justhis ft. Gary – Momo

Half the comments are just “I’m a simple person, when I see Gary I click”.  Depending on the meaning of “simple” I guess that makes sense.

N.P Sound – It’s You

A duet ballad oh yay

Standing Egg – Ironic

More painfully overwrought ballad bullshit.

Dandan – Pink Ride

I really don’t like heights and I can’t watch this video, so I had to listen with my eyes shut and it wasn’t that great.

Jang Woohyuk – Weekand

This dude is from H.O.T and it’s kind of cool that old fucks like this can still make music and look pretty good doing it.  Not much of a song though but I’m prepared to cut him some slack just for scoring one for the crusty cunts like me.

Peakboy – Kelly

The most notable thing about this one is Bangs-tier use of green screen.

Brown Eyed Soul – Night and Day

This group always make the most boring bullshit music without fail and they’re that uninteresting that half the time I just leave their songs out of roundup on purpose.  Song submitters take note!

Summer Soul – What If I Fall In Love With A.I.

Chuu+ assures me that it is not mutual.

JHWA – Substar

It’s a pretty boring song but I enjoyed the lesson in how to retile my bathroom.

Minsu – XXLove

Not as XX rated as I was hoping for.

Lee Seung Hwan – Between Survival & Romance

The video is worth a look.  I won’t spoil, but brace yourself.

Syler – Rockstar

Having “Anarchy In The UK” fronting this shit and then actually calling it “Rockstar” just kind of proves that punk in the traditional sense doesn’t translate to Korea in general.

Kai – Waves

Look at all the people in the comments losing their shit just because he’s singing in a vaguely operatic posh voice.  Fuck this cunt.  God, people are suckers.

nautilus – The Table

Remember when Metallica did a whole song about a table?  Even that was better than the average Korean ballad.

Tilde – Curfew

Imagine naming your group after the most boring key on the keyboard.

Platform Stereo – Whale

Actually really good, I feel like they could have let the instruments do the talking more, but I’ll take it.

Hashtag – My Style

It’s probably my fault for putting CLC’s “To The Sky” at #1 last year, now everybody thinks that any generic girl group bullshit song has a chance of capturing my attention just because it doesn’t have a proper music video.

Orly – Need You Now

IDIOTIC “PHONE VIDEO” SECTION FULL OF VIDEOS MADE BY FUCKWITS

PRSNT – Face Time

Only 30% of the screen space used means that I only give 30% of fucks.

Mia – Insta Lover

A girl called me an “insta lover” once but I don’t think she meant it the same way as Mia does in this video.

SoonSoonHee – Diamond Bridge

I was really hoping for him to jump off the fucking bridge at the end, but with the shitty 30% screen view we’d probably be denied a good view of the impact even if he did.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

AKMU – “How Can I Love The Heartbreak” live on Inkigayo

The main problem with AKMU’s latest video is not enough lingering camera shots of Kpopalypse #1 bias Suhyun.  Their lives fortunately fix this issue.

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That’s all for roundup this week – Kpopalypse returns next week with more new songs!