Kpopalypse answers: how to stop loving kpop

Every day many people search the Internet and find themselves on Kpopalypse blog as a result.  I receive daily summaries of all Internet searches that direct people to through my website’s sneaky stats-collection machine, which tells me what the Internet is really concerned about underneath the surface.  While most of these results are predictable, sometimes a query comes through that is just so unique and compelling that I have to address it:

In this post, Kpopalypse answers the question – how to stop loving kpop?

It’s certainly true that the world of Korean pop can be addictive.  All those great songs, new groups and attractive celebrities, gosh they all certainly have their appeal, don’t they.  This may make stopping yourself difficult at times, which could lead to social awkwardness and a fairly one-dimensional existence if you get too deep into it.  What if you really want to stop loving kpop, and you just can’t?  How to fight this new addiction?  Just as well Kpopalypse is here to lend a helping hand!  When you find yourself getting too enamoured with the joys of k-pop, just try to keep at the forefront of your mind the following points and you should be able to control your obsession easily!

Reason to stop loving kpop #1: most Korean pop music is actually quite shit

Over a hundred k-pop songs are released every week and most of them are garbage.  Sure, it’s not all as bad as “Show Time”, but the majority of it is pretty bad.  Even if you have one major bias group that you love every song from – or even ten bias groups – there’s still all that other stuff out there that you’re just not fucking into, and k-pop has way more of that shit than the shit you like.  That’s not to say k-pop is overall all that much more shitty than anything else on average, but Korean pop music, like any other type of music or art, complies heavily to Sturgeon’s Law.  If you require further convincing, just click through a few episodes of my weekly roundup and you’ll get the general idea of the overall average quality levels.  Kpopalypse roundup has become by far the most popular regular feature of Kpopalypse blog and it clearly must be morbid fascination driving those traffic numbers because it’s surely not musical quality.  K-pop is not special.

Reason to stop loving kpop #2: Korean pop is strictly a “no innovation zone”

Orange Caramel’s “Catallena” is often held up as an example of Korean pop music being “different”, and if “different” means “copying early 80s disco and throwing in a few odd chants from some folk song that nobody outside Korea gave a solitary shit about before it was on an Orange Caramel track” then I suppose that’s true, but it’s not really very different.  Copying two unrelated things at once is about as innovative as k-pop gets, and while k-pop is great at copying other things, what k-pop is definitely not good at doing is making anything truly original or new.  Even quality fringe subgenres of Korean popular music like screechy crust-punk and maudlin post-metal just copy the screechy crust-punk and maudlin post-metal of other countries.  That’s not to say there isn’t value in copying an idea and doing a grand job of it, but if you want to hear something completely unique from anything else out there, k-pop is not where you’re going to find it.

Reason to stop loving kpop #3: your idol is a dumb fuckwit

Maybe you’re not into it so much for the music, as for your wonderful bias and their amazing charm and personality.  Well, remember that Korean pop idols are dumb cunts, for the most part, they’re only easy at turning on the charm because they’re so fucking stupid.  It’s easy to pretend to be “adorkable” for the cameras when you’re so fucking daft that your mental age is stuck permanently in “elementary school dipshit” phase.  Don’t get me wrong, the stupidity definitely isn’t their fault – the shitty system makes them that way by plucking them out of grade school and into a treadmill of indentured servitude and shallow exploitation, giving them only whatever bare-bones education that they can squeeze in between star jumps and learning how to bend and stretch for CEO oppar – but it’s a fact nonetheless.  That’s why your idol is always getting into trouble by not obeying the 21359 “unwritten laws of wokeness” that all celebrities have to memorise these days, lest they be banished into the cancelled-and-dismissed-osphere.

Reason to stop loving kpop #4: …who can’t sing…

Oh, so you’re interested in vocals?  Well, what the FUCK are you doing listening to k-pop, you stupid fucking bitch?  No shit, you’ve picked by far the worst style of music to possibly be into.  You realise that they just mime over backing tracks all the time, or in best case scenario, sing at mumble-volume over a recording of their own voice, right?  There hasn’t been any “real” singing in popular Korean music for at least ten years… and in the very very very rare circumstances where they DO sing live with no backing track, Autotune or tricks, you know it, because it sucks – hard.  However only a nugu would make a mistake like that – pros cheat, that’s just how it is in 2019.  Have fun deluding yourself.

Reason to stop loving kpop #5: …and can’t write songs either…

Look at this Swedish dude.  These are the guys who are writing all your fave’s songs, not oppar.  Sure, your bias has “co-writing” credit but that usually just means they strolled into the studio, wrote three words, politely suggested something basic that the producer was going to do anyway, like that the bass drum goes before the snare drum, and then went back to dance class.  Still that’s not going to stop his or her label from putting them first in the songwriting credits and marketing them as a creative genius, because they know deluded westerners lap that shit up like ARMY sasaengs at BigHit’s dorm urinal.

Reason to stop loving kpop #6: …and doesn’t even look any good

Anybody can look like a k-pop idol once you put all that shit on your face that they all wear.  Even my cat could do it – if I were able to hold her still for long enough.  She’s smarter than the average k-pop fan so she’d probably just scratch the shit out of my hands if I tried that crap.  Also don’t forget the padded bras and painted-on abs.

Reason to stop loving kpop #7: the business stinks

Some people might think that idols are problematic, but even the worst of the worst human trashbags in k-pop are nothing compared to the people actually running their companies.  The most fucked thing about Sleepy getting paid 8 cents over ten years, or Block B earning $14 between them over the entirety of one contract, is that these cases aren’t even exceptional – for any artists outside the A-list, and even quite a few who are inside, not getting paid is the norm.  Oh and these are the fortunate people lucky enough to land in a situation where they’re only getting ripped off – let’s not forget the CEOs who straight-up rape their trainees, and the many idols in z-tier agencies that exist only as fronts for prostitution and human trafficking, with the managers sometimes even collecting “training fees” from the gullible parents and “hookup fees” from the clients simultaneously!  The only refuge from this bullshit is the so-called “indie” scene, where there is no money AND no sex.

Reason to stop loving kpop #8: Korean TV is fucking shit which is designed for morons

Sure, k-dramas are crap and your favourite Korean idol certainly can’t act, but that’s probably the least concerning thing about Korean TV.  Horrid “variety shows” where they rewind and play every single joke and reaction about 10 times just to make sure your dumb ass “gets it” are here to treat you like the moron everyone in Korean entertainment believes that you are.  Then there’s award shows for idols, and of course you realise that every single one of these is rigged, right?  Literally every single one.  If a Korean person is winning something and it’s on TV and you’re watching it, there was some kind of “fixing” involved, it’s that simple folks.  Probably the only idol contest that isn’t rigged is Idol Athletics and that’s only because nobody cares about Idol Athletics, not even the idols doing it.  Korean TV really thinks you are a dumb fucking bitch who will watch any old bullshit your idol is in, and the saddest thing is that in many cases, they’re probably right.

Reason to stop loving kpop #9: actually, everything else about Korea stinks too

K-pop fans might think that living in Korea is all about being close to oppar and unnir, but did you know that the lifestyle in Korea for the general population really sucks a moose cock?  Academic pressure in Korea is far more intense than most places, but long hours at work, crappy wages, and no rights for workers ensure that even if you get out of there with some semblance of your soul intact, you’re still going to have a bad time.  How bad is Korean life?  It’s common for people who escape Kim Jong Un’s hellhole in the North to actually want to go back home when they realise how much of a hyper-capitalist shit-show the South has become.  Of course if you’re male there’s the military draft to contend with too, and add on top of that a shitty Internet culture, horrible “keeping up appearances” superficiality just to make things extra shitty and of course don’t forget the bullying!

Reason to stop loving kpop #10: your bias isn’t Shindong

Why isn’t your bias Shindong?  What’s wrong with you?  You’re fucking cancelled.  (If your bias actually is Shindong you can ignore this bonus reason, which might mean that you find it harder to stop loving k-pop than anyone else reading this.  Sorry about that.)

That’s all for this post!  Hopefully you’ve learned to love k-pop a little less and now have slightly more grasp on your sanity!  Kpopalypse is glad to be of service and will return soon with more posts!

6 thoughts on “Kpopalypse answers: how to stop loving kpop

  1. FAIL! I read every word of this article and I’d still voluntarily strap myself in at the “Alex DeLarge Theatre for K-Addicts” to absorb every new LOOΠΔ/OMG/TWICE/ETC. release. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to empty my piss bucket and prepare for the the next VLIVE stream.

  2. Reason to stop loving K-pop #11: Boy groups exist, and they’re probably a lot more popular than the girl groups that you stan

    • Yeah, and your teenage Korean girls can have them. Popularity is meaningless (except when my groups get some, yay Gfriend!) and rigged, and thank you, kpopalypse, for ending with the lovely and talented Eunha, who reminds me every time I see her, why I love kpop.

  3. Thanks to the Kpopalypse roundup, it doesn’t take much time to keep up with Kpop – and even this year there have been some good songs from Apink, Nature, CLC, Honey Popcorn, the latest from Red Velvet etc.

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