It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Dreamcatcher – Deja Vu

As usual with most of the new Dreamcatcher stuff, while still a reasonably good song, it spends far too much time in soft “build-up” mode and the guitars that all their fans crave are a drip-fed hazy mush at the rear of the mix.  Waste of potential, honestly.

Laboum – Firework

Counting the days until this sound is considered out of fashion.  It surely can’t be long now.

Saturday – Bbyong

Wait, where the fuck are half of them?  I remember back in T-ara days group line-up changes were a big deal, now they’ve all got crazy Nine Muses style attrition rates.  I guess it’s the shitty sax-driven pop and trap breakdowns making the smarter girls leave.

K-Tigers Zero – Side Kick

The only co-ed group in k-pop that matters.  Even “producer top-billing rule” doesn’t apply here as the song actually kicks quite a bit of ass, even if it does get a bit silly with the extended synth bits that are clearly there just to showcase the matial arts moves.

K-Tigers Zero – Now

Mind you not even the almighty K-Tigers have the power to make something listenable out of a Cha Cha Malone track.  It is kinda funny to see them in a more typical k-pop setting doing more typical k-pop things though.

KARD – Dumb Litty

Meanwhile that other co-ed group that nobody cares about have changed up their sound (fucking finally), pity their new one is just that tired yolo shit from two years ago.  At least they look great which is quite an achievement really.

Amber Liu – Hands Behind My Back

It’s pretty obvious what this song is about and why it took so long to get released.  Look at them put that fucking mask on her.  Certain ex-Kpopalypse interviewees can probably relate…

Seventeen – Fear

Too much R&B warbling ruins what was actually a reasonably promising track.

Seventeen – Happy Ending

As a general rule I don’t even cover non-feature tracks when they ARE put on live stage, and this is why.

Seventeen – Snap Shoot

As you can see, it’s just not worth the effort.  Generally I won’t feature these unless there’s something remarkable or notable about them, so if they don’t appear it’s not because I didn’t know about them, it’s because I listened but couldn’t even bring myself to give a fuck.

3YE – OOMM (Out Of My Mind)

Remember when you could get a new k-pop girl group song that was over 80 BPM?

ANS – Boom Boom

Well the intro wasn’t too bad, pity they didn’t keep that sound for the song and just went for the usual tropical bullshit we’re all so sick of.

Sunwoojunga – Life

You know what it’s like when you’re stuck in a boring subway tunnel and you don’t know where you’re going, and you go around the corner hoping that you’ll find a way out or at least something interesting, but instead it’s just another fucking boring bit of tunnel that looks exactly like where you just came from, and then you start questioning where you’re going and what you’re doing in the tunnels, and then the very nature of life itself, and wonder if maybe the world would be better off without yourself, all these tunnels, and society in general.  Well now we have both a music video and a musical soundtrack which captures the boredom and hopelessness of that moment perfectly.

Monsta X – Breathe For You

So after 3000 years of existence this song finally got some crappy video.  Actually I didn’t write that, that’s what the person who sent this to me wrote to me about it.  However in a surprising plot twist the song is actually rather good!

GWSN – Total Eclipse (Black Out)

GWSN also come out with something actually a bit catchy this week, even if the video makes it seem like nobody gave a shit.

Punch – Sometimes

That song with that EXO dude was definitely a one-off.

Kang Yeseul – Pongdang Pongdang

It can’t decide if it wants to be trot, a children’s song or a Christmas song.

Rain x Soyou – Beginning

No Rain or Soyou in the video, what the fuck Korea.  You do realise that people don’t click on this for the music, right?

Super Junior – Somebody New

This is actually the song playing in the background of my latest cat video, in case you’re wondering.

Teen Teen – It’s On You

This is great.  No concessions to lame recent trends, chord changes that someone put some thought into, a beat which is at actual pop song speed… the cringe male aegyo is the only thing that’s a problem here, and I can live with that.

Loopy & nafla – Atlantis

You know this is going to be stupid trendy garbage before it even hits 0:01 on the timer thanks to that particular opening sound.

Kwon Jin Ah – 6:35PM

Conclusive proof that classical musicians are no better than anyone else in Korea when it comes to making shit ballads.

Junoflo ft. G2 – 5eoul AM

Wait, have I already reviewed this one?  Or maybe it just feels like it because all this bullshit music sucks and is exactly the same, the only thing that changes is the random English thing they shout every few bars for no reason.

Piano Man – Just Friends

I left this off roundup last week for a reason.  You people seem to think I’m some sort of “completist” with the way you submit stuff, but no.  Some things are just better off not included.  Your life and mine would both have been improved had this song and review not been here.

015B & A.T – I Hate You

I guess 015B were on a good run and had to suck sooner or later.

dress, sogumm – Dreamer, Doer

We don’t even get to find out how the chess match ends.

Ja Mezz ft. Kim Heung-Kook, Bando Kid, Trippy Dog, Common Ground – 09’s Wangsimni

Songs where they say “bounce” a lot are generally low in quality.

Park Kang Soo – Monologue

Cort guitars are fucking shit.

Kim MinSeok – My Love

The usual self-important orchestral ballad nonsense.  If your man writes you one of these, dump him.

I.Q – A Letter With The Wind

I hope the letter read “stop singing in that stupid fucking voice”.

Dialogue x DJ Tiz ft. HAKI – Daily Routine

If you can actually afford a Mac laptop you’re in the 1% and you don’t need to be rapping about anything.

bobae – ORMG

“ORMG” sounds like how a rural Australian would say “OMG” if they were to try and actually say the abbreviation as one syllable, as in “ORMG this song is shit”.

Love x Stereo ft. I Made Subandi – Imagining You

It sounds like they’re singing “measuring you” in the chorus, which would  have actually been cool.  Maybe they re singing about measuring Chris from Korean Indie’s band tattoos.

Burningsoda – Change My Heart

No.

Kanghyojun – Flower

Another boring acoustic ballad that you didn’t need in your life.

O. When – The Night, Gloomy Wind

We’re really into the songs nobody gives a shit about now, folks.

Band Nah – Minds

Mainly notable for having one of the ugliest looking videos I’ve ever seen.  It reminds me of all that shit that came out in the late 1980s when people discovered video colour filters for the first time.

Sung Jin Hwan – The Last Day

Getting your pet in your content for some cheap virality is always the last resort of people with no ideas, I should know.

Broken Fingers – Lull Me To Sleep

Accurate song title of the week.

Gongja – Yeah, Again!

And here’s how not to do it.

Young Ji – Love Story

Bullshit ballad #56927.

Acoustic Collabo – Parting Words

What’s the point of even getting into relationships if you are just gonna cry all the fucking time about it.

Jebi The Blue – This Moment

IU had the only semi-decent bossanova track in k-pop, everyone else just stop it, thanks.

Jung Dong Ha – What Is Love

Baby don’t hurt me, baby don’t hurt me with there shit ballads no more.

Lees2un ft. J.Yung – Youtube

It’s that bullshit early 90’s pop sound like EXID’s “Lady“, which also sucks.

Gentleman – The Wind Rises

I don’t even know what to say.  Someone please tell me the backstory to this.

Flor.us – Daydream

Imagine your favourite k-pop girl group.  Now imagine something nothing like that.

UNCHARACTERISTICALLY VAGUELY ACCEPTABLE HIP HOP SECTION

1back – Vegemil

Actually slaps a bit thanks to going hard with the snareless snare drum and some cool upright bass.

PK (P.Zone & KL) – Mask Play

These guys may look like they’re straight outta the local net-cafe overnight lock-in but they’ve also got a rap song that doesn’t suck because it features actual decent beat-writing.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

#TEATIMEWITHKYLA – Answering Your Questions

Many readers will know that I’m very pro-Kyla (after all I spent an entire post telling everyone who called her overweight to lick my nutsack), and so naturally I was keen to hear her spill the tea on everything related to her career in Pristin.  Unfortunately, her video reveals almost nothing of worth other than that Pristin had a shitload of unreleased songs, which we all could have guessed anyway.  She does address and clarify a couple of the rumours from Pristin days but they’re all the basic things that nobody with a brain really gave a shit about even at the time, the REAL questions like “why didn’t Pledis give Pristin more to do” and “why the fuck did Pristin break up so soon after working so hard to make a big impact upon debut” are kind of skirted around and not really addressed satisfactorily at all.  Kyla isn’t the best actress either, her “I’m excited guys, are you excited?” comes across about as sincere as Tiffany’s iconic “YouTube is my best friend, is YouTube your best friend?” and it’s quite clear here that she’s judging her words super-carefully and holding quite a lot back.  No doubt she has no choice in the matter, so I certainly don’t blame her and sincerely wish her all the best for her future directions, but it’s just a shame that one of the greatest aspirational stories in k-pop will probably never be told in its entirety… at least not this decade.

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That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!  Also don’t forget that the LATEST SURVEY IS STILL LIVE – go and fill it out by clicking here if you haven’t yet – and don’t forget your adblocker!  Stay safe, caonimas!