It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
CLC – Devil
After a great run of songs I guess CLC had to go back to being just average eventually. “Devil” isn’t awful or anything but it’s surely a step backward, when they throw “lipstick” and “black dress” into the lyrics it just serves to underline just how much better their other recent songs are than this one.
Momoland – Pinky Love
Wow, the members of this group are really dropping like flies lately aren’t they. It’s hard to enjoy this Twice-by-numbers when half of them are probably in hospital from idol-schedule-related trauma.
Choa & Way – My Universe
I noticed that Way’s Girls increased the size of their Patreon donation to me recently, I’m very grateful for this because it helps me to run Chuu+, my new search terms bot. I guess it was a bribe so I wouldn’t say anything bad about this song, because the increase coincided almost exactly with the time that this was released. I clearly have accepted it, so… yeah, erm let’s just move on. Nothing to see here.
Simon Dominic ft. Moon, Woo & Jvcki Wai – Gott
If it’s possible to go hard and pussy out at the same time, Simon Dominic has kind of managed it.
Simon Dominic ft. JayAllDay & SIMO – Ya Ain’t Gang
This one however is just all bad.
Wheein – Good Bye
Why is not-Wheein in the video for most of it instead of Wheein.
Seen Hyun Hee – movie! dream! magic!
This is the girl from Seenroot and this band has some of the stupidest dancing I’ve ever seen. The song’s pretty good actually, but if you introduced this song to a friend who didn’t know k-pop as “this is what k-pop is all about” you’re gonna set yourself up to be bullied for life.
Vanner – Crazy Love
Not very crazy unfortunately.
Lil Cherry & Jito Mo – Mukkbang!
Now this actually is kind of crazy, it’s stupid fun, I like it for the same reason that I like some of the Hitchhiker stuff.
IONE – Idea
On the livestream I was petting my cat the whole time during this song and forgot to even listen to it, which should give you some idea of how engaging it is.
Iz*one – Airplane
I don’t even know if stupid “special videos” where the girls yelp over the top of the fucking audio even count for roundup, but I left this in anyway because it was less effort to leave it in than to delete it.
Kim Na Hee – Cupid Arrow
Trot can be rubbish too. This is enough to make your grandparents pick another restaurant.
Brown Eyed Soul ft. Sole – Right
This is one of those groups that never does anything good, usually a sign that they write their own material. Good luck to them I guess.
Dean – Howlin’ 404
Why is the YouTube title not the actual song title? Oh wait, I don’t care what this is called as long as I never have to hear it again.
W Project 4 – 1M1S
Woollim project I guess. Not sure why they couldn’t just give this song to one of their existing wildly popular gro… oh wait. Never mind.
LoveSong – I’d Rather (Slang My Heart Than Be With U)
I don’t know what it means to “slang your heart,” but whatever it is, I still think I’d rather slang my heart than listen to this song.
Colde – Control Me
This song sounds how those clothes look.
Jeong Hyo Bean – We Could Be Happy
Hey girl, don’t be mad at that guy looking at his phone all the time – he’s trying to find you a better song to sing. He’s only doing it because he cares.
Mimu – White Noise
Great atmosphere and ambience, no song.
Sungwoojunga – Fall Fall Fall
If you’re looking for the sass of “Springirls“, it’s not here.
Sungwoojunga – Invisible Treasure
Im Chang Jung – Never Ending
Isn’t it weird how trot songs and modern k-pop idol songs have fairly different sonic characteristics, but this trot ballad sounds exactly the same as any k-pop ballad by any idol group.
Yultron x Jay Park ft. Sik-K & pH-1 – Say Goodbye
The keyboard chorus isn’t too bad, just get rid of the sweg all around it and there might be something here. No chance with these fucklords though I suppose.
Hyesu – Color
Gosh we haven’t had any tropical shithouse in… gosh, at least three days, thanks Hyesu!
Banban – April
The furries are in k-pop now. It’s all over folks. We’re not having another golden age.
Truman ft. J.cob, YoungWon, Wildberry – Kick
Is it too much to ask, for a song called “Kick” to actually kick? Right now I just want to kick it down the stairs.
Truman ft. J.Cob, YoungWon – Gravity
This song doesn’t have any gravity either.
Kim Jaehwan, Stella Jang – Vacance In September
Actually in supermarkets everyone looks sullen and miserable as they buy shit while thinking about their rent and how their life is falling apart, but at least they’re trying to cheer us up here a little with the video, if not the music.
Mind U – I Tried
Sometimes roundup just writes itself.
J Bel – Realistic Ideal
The video is just super-uninteresting home videos, but the music is doo-wop progressions at doom metal speed with ultra maudlin keyboard treatments, like something from a This Mortal Coil album.
BORING SONGS WHERE THE FILM DIRECTOR WAS TOTALLY IN ON HOW BORING THE FUCKING SHIT SONG WAS AND MADE A SUPER BORING VIDEO TO MATCH SECTION
Yoon Kang San – Paint
Some guy’s arm resting on a piece of concrete is the highlight of this one.
Kassy – Story Of Night Fall
Here we have some exciting old-school tea-making action. Fasten your seatbelts it’s about to get real.
Yeoeun – Fight Day
Speaking of which, at least she does actually have the seatbelt on but maybe don’t use your phone while driving you dumb bitch.
Jungwoo – 6th Saturday
Tip for aspiring musos: if you’ve got an enthusiastic friend who says “I can make your video for you!” make sure you see their video resume before agreeing.
Epitone Project – Love, That Suffocating Moment
Maybe if you could stop moping around the house drinking, you might not fuck your relationships up so much.
Jin Won – Like a Lie
Then you could watch this young couple fight over who gets to hold the gardening hose. The entertainment never stops in Kpopalypse roundup!
Iomy ft. Jungmi – Think About Us
If you can’t even be fucked getting up off the floor to sing a song, what makes you think I could be fucked listening to it.
Olltii ft. Kim So Hye – Press Start
Finally we have the crappest visual novel ever, this definitely does not meet required standards. Where’s Kagura Games when you need them.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Can I guess the voices of my twin daughters..?
Thanks to the person who sent this one in, which proves everything I’ve always been saying about k-pop vocals. You’d think that if anyone should be able to tell the vocals apart, it’d be someone with shared flesh and blood, right? Of course he fucks it up half the time, and it’s not because they’re twins, or because he’s dumb or can’t hear, but because everything in k-pop is so smoothed over, tweaked and post-processed to oblivion that there’s no real hope for anyone to be able to determine anything.
That’s all for this week’s roundup – Kpopalypse returns with more roundup next week!