It’s that time again – time for Kpopalypse to update his bias list! Who is Kpopalypse biasing in 2019? Let’s find out!
Regular Kpopalypse readers have all probably either participated in or at the very least read the results of the objectification surveys – but I do not participate in those myself other than to count your votes and write about them, so they are not reflective of the opinion of Kpopalypse, but the reader base (and wherever the reader base deems to spread the voting questions). However, the Kpopalypse bias list is 100% all about my opinion and nothing else. Note that this is a list of pure “meeting required standards” only, and therefore is roughly analogous to the “most attractive” segment of the objectification survey, although sometimes aspects other than raw physical appearance do play a factor, because attractiveness isn’t just about appearance, after all.
Know that the Kpopalypse bias list is always in a state of flux and receives consistent updates, as new people become a k-pop and are thus eligible, while others stop being a k-pop and are therefore no longer eligible. Furthermore, k-poppers may come to the attention of myself through various activities, and others who have been less active may begin to be prioritised lower as they cease to provide “material”. Let’s take a look at 2019’s Kpopalypse bias list!
THE KPOPALYPSE 2019 BIAS LIST
1. SUHYUN – AKMU
Suhyun hasn’t been wildly active since the last time I did a list, due to her brother and AKMU groupmate being mostly busy catching live grenades thrown by North Koreans and hurling them back over the DMZ before they explode, leaving Suhyun without her singing and creative partner for much of the last year. However Hero Chanhyuk recently returned from the trenches to scare away all the other YG staff from taking Suhyun to the club, which has meant more TV appearances such as the one above, where I’m not exactly sure what’s going on but who cares because Suhyun looks great.
Also Suhyun has her own YouTube channel now, where she does stuff like go on holiday to places and make everyone else around her feel ugly and inferior.
2. YUA MIKAMI – HONEY POPCORN
I’ve always felt that out of all the stupid idiot rules that religions across the world force down people’s throats, “no sex before marriage” is one of the dumbest. What if you get all the way to marriage, then have sex for the first time and find out that you’re not sexually compatible with your partner at all and the difference ends up being a complete deal-breaker? That’s the sort of shit that you want to find out as early on in a relationship as possible, not after you’ve put a ring on it. Likewise, I think that to really bias someone properly it always helps to know as much about their appearance as possible, and I think I’ve seen more square centimeters of Yua Mikami’s flesh than any other k-pop idol, so this allows me to stan confidently.
Of course it doesn’t hurt that she actually has a lot more flesh to work with than most Korean pop idols, thanks to being a self-directed non-corporate-owned entity who has the freedom to replace Korea’s starvation training regimen with healthy gym workouts and refreshing meals. While if anything she’s on the lower end of the scale as far as my favourite
JAV drama actresses go, she’s certainly streets ahead of pretty much everybody in the Korean music scene for raw attractiveness, fapability and general give-no-fucks charm.
Speaking of giving no fucks, it fills me with great pleasure to welcome Sulli back to the bias list, for she is a k-pop once again!
Sulli is honestly looking better than she ever has – the passing of time and not having to put up with f(x)’s schedules have both improved her appearance significantly over the years. The shit-stirring SNS activity, lack of useless undergarments and general give-no-fuckitude are just bonuses. She even gets points for the blonde hair she’s rocking these days, even though it doesn’t suit her at all, just because it pisses everyone else off so thoroughly that it ends up being an asset more than a liability.
I read an interview recently (which I now can’t find but it certainly wasn’t my own – EDIT: it’s here) where independent Korean musician UZA expressed frustration that she was sometimes perceived as a woman first, and a musician second. She mentioned in the interview that musical collaborators would appear and want to work with her but that after a while their true intentions to become closer to her romantically became known, and that she always “runs away” from situations like that. I immediately felt bad when I read about this. I’m so sorry, UZA. It’s probably my fault that this is sometimes happening, because I put you in this list last year and alerted people to your attractiveness. So this year I’ve knocked you down a couple places, hopefully that’ll discourage the creeps who are using collabs as a way of creeping onto you. Leave UZA alone, assholes. Don’t call her, she’ll call you.
I still need to have you somewhere in this list however, because it’s a good way for me to remind people to go out and buy your fucking stuff, and that’s important. Hey here’s UZA’s Bandcamp everybody, why not go and check it out, she’s got some great fucking songs and you should really go and spend lots of your dollars supporting her. Do it, caonima! Oh and if that’s actually UZA naked on the cover of “Vulnerable” and not a model I probably just died.
5. EUNJUNG – T-ARA
Shannon Williams is out of the list due to no longer being a k-pop, and I wish her all the best for her future success as a non-kpop after enduring many harsh years in one of k-pop’s scariest and most unfair dungeons. This means that ex-labelmate and serial cross-dresser Eunjung takes her spot in the bias list, and it’s arguable that nobody is better at surviving dungeons or wearing suits as well as Eunjung.
In fact it’s possible that nobody wears any clothes at all as well as Eunjung, but that mainly means suits of some description and I’m totally okay with that. Eunjung is the kind of girl where she’d go to remove her clothes in the bedroom and I’d say “don’t do that, you look really good as you are, perhaps just rip the clothing a little bit for easy access – don’t worry, I’ll buy you ten new suits tomorrow”.
6. MOKO SAKURA – HONEY POPCORN
While Moko Sakura is obviously upstaged by group leader Yua Mikami in Honey Popcorn activities, I can’t deny that I’ve become quite attracted to Moko’s innocent charms. Maybe it was her growing skills evident in the latest Honey Popcorn material, or perhaps it was her outstanding acting in “This Prim And Proper Cold Fish Intellectual Girl Is Tempting Me With Whispering Dirty Talk And Toyed With Me After School (KAWD-991)”, I’m not completely sure, but there’s no doubt that there’s “something about Moko”.
Moko also has the advantage of excellent fanservice for which there is really no comparison apart from her own groupmates – arguably she’s even more skilled at catching dollops of protein-enriched BB cream to the face than Yua is, even if Yua’s curves are more my type (and yeah it often is BB cream or something similar, government-mandated censorship in JAV makes jizz really easy to fake). Sure, I do call Moko the group’s Boram, but that’s only because she’s the oldest in the group and also the shortest as well as the most “innocent-looking”, she actually doesn’t resemble my mother at all so it’s technically not incest to have her in this list.
7. EUNHA – GFRIEND
Eunha looks weird with a face like a dimpled peach and it’s really strange to look at her in videos now that I know she’s really quite tall. Of course weird tall awkward girls who don’t quite fit into the general scheme of socially-accepted attractiveness are always more attractive than those around them regardless, so having her in this list is an easy decision.
In fact when I think about it, Gfriend is kind of an “awkward misfit girl concept group”, no wonder they have so many fans around the world willing to stan. Hence the group name I guess. Perfect girls are boring, nobody wants to go out with some annoying princess who won’t even talk to you unless you have enough cool points or rich parents, the girl with the stupid grin and slightly fucked up teeth who picks her nose and flicks the snotballs at other girls’ hair when she thinks nobody’s looking is always cuter plus a better bet for relationship happiness.
8. VIVI – LOONA
So why is Vivi here instead of Yves? Well, it’s partly because Sulli is a k-pop again, meaning that the urgent need for a “surrogate Sulli” with similar facial features has lessened. But the real reason is that I started watching a bunch of Loona TV videos. The Loona girls are always really energetic and crazy, and it really drove home for me how their staff must feel constantly exhausted by them, like your teacher who took your class on school excursions always felt exhausted by you and your asshole school friends while she was dragging you in and out of buses and making sure everybody stayed together as a group and didn’t throw their homework out the windows or leave chewing gum on the handrails.
ViVi just has that look in her eyes that none of the other, younger girls in Loona have, like she’s been there and done that a bunch of times and she’s just a little kind of “over it”. If the tour bus blew a tyre on the highway all the other girls would scream and freak out, meanwhile ViVi might raise her eyebrows a bit but probably wouldn’t even interrupt the draw on her cigarette. That’s the kind of girl who is worth stanning for the long term. She might not party the wildest and be the most fun on a big night out but she’ll know how to jimmy the lock of your front door with a credit card when you can’t find your house keys after you get home.
9. JVCKI WAI
All you people talking about “idols and stage presence”, shut the fuck up, because I found someone who has it 1000 times more than anybody in k-pop and that’s Jvcki Wai. Just watch the above video and tell me that you don’t want to be there, right now. When I used to hear stories about groupies who would want to fuck some guy just because he’s in a lame cock-rock band I’d always think that was so stupid, but after watching Jvcki Wai I kind of get where those groupies are coming from. I would wait backstage for an hour to be completely ignored by Jvcki Wai after a show and then go home and tell everyone I had the greatest backstage experience of my life and it probably wouldn’t even be a lie.
Also if it’s possible to have both the best and the worst fashion sense at the same time, I think Jvcki Wai has it. She clearly doesn’t know the first thing about how to dress, with 100% of her fashions looking like an charity clothing delivery truck ram-raided a BDSM boutique, but she always looks so good despite it all, like in the chaos of the ensuing crash exactly the right combination of loud shirts and leather straps just kind of fell on her.
10. JEONGYEON – TWICE
Jeongyeon has always been the hottest girl in Twice for me, ever since I learned how to tell some of the girls apart – there’s just no competition. It’s completely obvious to me that JYP lined up all the girls pre-debut, pointed to Jeongyeon and said “right – she’s easily the most attractive out of them all, let’s give her the worst styling possible so the rest of the group can compete visually, otherwise she’s just going to be overshadowing everyone and the group will become known as Jeongyeon & The Twices”.
In full stage makeup Jeongyeon has a 1980s Breakfast Club meets Blondie vibe which is unmistakable and absolutely unique in k-pop – and when she’s in de-glam mode she just looks like Eunjung with more teeth. Both of these are good outcomes and you should stan… but if you don’t that’s fine because I’m fine if you’re distracted, it means I won’t have to stand in line for Jeongyeon for quite as long at the fanmeet.
11. HONG JIN YOUNG
Hong Jin Young occasionally looks ravishing but just as often wears the very worst dresses imaginable and has a speaking voice like a rusty gate, but also displays appealing thiccness and her music mostly doesn’t suck. Sometimes you gotta take the good with the bad.
12. YVES – LOONA
Yves will probably climb the ranks again when she gets a bit older and more burnt-out like groupmate Vivi, or Sulli, whom she resembles. In the meantime let’s not lose sight of the fact that most people’s biases haven’t even been fucking mentioned once in this list.
Even with an effing great rectangle attached to her microphone and swallowing up half her face, IU still looks like the kind of girl that you’d have a polite Christian family dinner with while she secretly jacked you off underneath the table with her foot.
Skinny Ailee definitely doesn’t appeal as much to me as Thicc Ailee, but her weight typically yo-yos a bit so I’ll place her here knowing that in a few months time after comeback season is over she’ll get some more leisure time and iced vo-vos into her and become more highly biasable again.
15. SEHYUNG – BERRY GOOD
One day people might discover Sehyung. I guess she’ll probably have to pose for Maxim or something.
16. CHUU – LOONA
Can you even imagine being in a room for 30 seconds with this woman without being destroyed by aegyo. It’d be like trying to retrieve your lost frisbee from the zoo’s tiger cub cage.
17. YOOA – OH MY GIRL
Really, Yooa has model-tier looks and is someone else who is being majorly slept on for no reason other than her group isn’t as super-trendy as they should be right now. Perhaps she’s not being ignored at Sehyung levels, but in my opinion Yooa should really be “giving more people strength”.
18. DAHYUN – TWICE
Dahyun is that girl in music school that you really want to talk to because you have a crush on her and she says okay but I just want to play this piece first and then you wait while she plays some fucking long-ass piece that goes forever and you think maybe she’s doing that on purpose because she’s avoiding talking to you but then you think no it can’t be because she just looks so sincerely into it and then you have to leave because someone is here to pick you up and they have to go and you don’t end up getting to talk to her at all but somehow you’re okay with that.
19. NAYEON – TWICE
Here, have 4 and a half minutes of bunny cleavage. First Rabbit, wrap it softly if you dare.
I really wish Raina hadn’t wrecked her face by turning herself into a cut-price IU, but she plays Overwatch better than me and would probably win a 1v1 so she can stay on this list.
That’s all for this post! I hope you’ve enjoyed the Kpopalypse bias list and I’ll revisit these rankings in another 12 months! In the meantime Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon!