Kpopalypse’s super-basic easy-to-follow and not at all condescending guide to k-pop for people who have only ever heard of BTS

Perhaps you’re a longtime reader of Kpopalypse blog, or a veteran k-pop fan who knows all about the groups, songs, boys and girls, business deals, shadiness and trufax of k-pop.  If so, you can probably stop reading right now because this post isn’t for you, and in fact you may even find it slightly condescending (which is a long word that you might have trouble spelling, that means “talking down to you like the dumb cunt you are”).  No – instead, this is a fresh new post for all those new fans who have just gravitated towards k-pop because BTS are a thing and have heard that BTS might be a k-pop (but also might not be).  Let’s read on and discover all about this wild crazy new thing called k-pop!

If I insert a picture of BTS here (I’m pretty sure the above is a picture of BTS, Google Image Search told me so), hopefully you’ll click on the article and then you’ll click on my advertising. Hey it works for Billb… oh wait, I don’t have any advertising on this site. How am I supposed to farm BTS fans for ad revenue with no ads? Clearly I haven’t thought this through.

THE DEFINITION OF K-POP

K-pop stands for:

K = Korean

P = popular music

By Korean, we mean “part of the Korean music industry”, not necessarily “natively Korean” or even “singing in Korean”, even though both of those things are usually true.

By “popular” music, we mean written in a “common popular music” style, not necessarily music that is literally popular, although all of it is trying to be (and mostly isn’t).

Mind blown yet?  If not, check this out…

MINDBLOWING FACTS

There are other groups besides BTS (Boys Together Seriously).

Did you know that someone is trying to float their own BTS competition group, called NCT (Neat Crazy Team)?

The people behind this group are called S? Entertainment and they hope that you like this group of makeup-clad boys more than BTS, even though you haven’t even heard of them.  Crazy, right?

HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT IS THIS

Incredible as it may seem, smelly girls are also in k-pop groups spreading their girl germs.  I don’t just mean in the audience, but actually in the fucking groups like what the fuck bitch.

Why would someone have a group with girls in it?  Well there’s a few reasons.

  • Boys like girls (except the boys of BTS they are PURE (for now) so DON’T PANIC (yet))
  • Some girls also like girls
  • Advertisers like girls

It will probably surprise you to know that there are more girl groups than boy groups in k-pop.  The reason is:

  • More girls like k-pop than boys
  • Therefore more girls want to be a k-pop than boys

MUSIC

Most k-pop sounds like western pop music from two or three years ago.

Except when it doesn’t, and then it sounds as little like western pop music from two or three years ago as possible.

SINGING (KIND OF)

Nobody actually sings live properly.  It’s pop music.  Don’t be silly.

THE BUSINESS

Did you know there are three big music labels in k-pop, and they are called The Big Three, and BigHit isn’t any of them?  These labels are:

  • S? Entertainment (S = slave factory, ? = unknown amount of slave contract years remaining)
  • YG Entertainment (YG = Young Groomers of prostitutes/drug mules)
  • JYP Entertainment (Jay, Why Pee – religious cult devoted to holding back urine and storing it in plastic pants)

When will BigHit be considered to be one of “The Big Three”?  When Korean media says so.  Since Korean media is controlled by The Big Three, they’ll hold out as long as possible on that.

DANCING

BTS can dance, but they are not as unique as you think – there are a lot of k-pop groups who dance.

Why are all these groups dancing just like BTS?  Why are they copying them?  Don’t they know it’s a plagiarism to copy?

Actually many groups existed before BTS and BTS is actually copying all of them, who are then copying BTS back.  In k-pop everyone copies everyone.

Sometimes they even let the girls copy too, although they try to keep their clothes on most of the time so they don’t steal oppa’s heart.

TV SHOWS

Sometimes k-pop groups other than BTS are on TV shows, because they can’t just have BTS on all the time as BTS also have to take time to tour, record music, and spend time in their dorms drifting off to sleep while looking at the ceiling and thinking about how lucky they are that they didn’t text Seungri back you YES YOU.

Groups win awards on these shows sometimes but you can safely ignore this because the awards don’t mean anything.

KOREAN DRAMA

Only one Korean pop group makes TV drama productions, they are called Honey Popcorn.

You can read all about their TV drama productions on this very blog.

Sometimes other Korean pop artists try to do drama too but it never really works out and isn’t worth investigating.

SOCIAL NETWORKING SERVICES (SNS)

Lots of k-pop idols are on social media.  Unfortunately, so are their fans.

That is all.

NEWS SITES

Get all k-pop news from independent blog sites.  Every official news site is:

  • Mainstream and thus not credible as it is bought off by advertising, and/or
  • Completely reliant on press releases for content, and/or
  • Held to ransom by k-pop companies who won’t give access to any content unless they get glowing reviews and complete editorial control in return

Kpopalypse recommends Asian Junkie, baseball and occasional k-pop trufaxual journalism site, which sidesteps all three of these pitfalls in its relentless quest for trufax and Siyeon pictures.

Asian Junkie also sidesteps good web design, employee salaries and unobtrusive sponsorship so in addition Kpopalypse recommends uBlock Origin.

AND NOW FOR

THE BIG QUESTIONS

IS BTS A KPOP?

Yes.

Boys Together Seriously are a k-pop.  Their name literally means k-pop.

  • BT = “Boys Together” in Korea, so they are in the Korean industry
  • S = “Serious” about pop music.

DID BTS PAVE THE WAY FOR KPOP?

The largest non-Korean venue that BTS have played is Citi Field in New York, a baseball arena with a capacity of approx 45000 (I’m sure Asian Junkie knows this and can verify if required).

This stadium construction was overseen by Hunt Construction Group and Lend Lease Project Management & Construction, with the main concreting subcontractors being International Concrete Products.  Here’s a fancam of John Bisswurm Sr. a.k.a “Hansy” from ICP, the person whose employees actually paved the way for k-pop.

Stan Hansy oppar.

6 thoughts on “Kpopalypse’s super-basic easy-to-follow and not at all condescending guide to k-pop for people who have only ever heard of BTS

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