It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Kim Donghan – Focus
I’m not sure what I was focusing on when I heard this, but it wasn’t this song.
Jenyer – Illusion
I couldn’t even remember which person from 4Minute who isn’t Hyuna that this person was.
Nu’est – Bet Bet
Maybe nugudom was a better place for them given that they haven’t had a good song since about 2010.
Dumbfounddead – Washed
Dumbfounddead has a nicely quirky video, but he also has no beats. One of these is more important to be a rapper than the other.
Bom ft. Wheein – 4:44
Bom is carefully shot from very far away, or at specific angles, to hide the latest round of surgery, which is a damn shame as I was looking forward to getting my Realdoll fap on. Meanwhile Wheein couldn’t even be bothered showing up for this dull ballad.
High School – Baby You’re Mine
Actually a great song, until that trap drop comes in and completely ruins everything. It’s impossible to ignore. Imagine buying a nice meal at a French restaurant and there’s a massive great turd on the plate along with your food. Then you complain to the waiter and they say “just ignore the poop, the rest of it’s still good, right?”.
Dongwoon – In The Silence
Some silence would have been just great.
Golden Child – Spring Again
Everyone wants to be Busker Busker every damn year but none of them can write a song truly bad enough to go as viral as them. This is close though.
Spectrum – After Party
This would have been alright if 90% of it wasn’t just one fucking chord.
Meiqi – Jiang
This is the Chinese girl (or one of the Chinese girls, I dunno how many there are) from WJSN, a group that I don’t care about yet because they have no good songs. So you can probably guess what I think of this.
Eunji & 10cm – Be With Me
Actually I thought this would be a lot worse, and I appreciate Eunji doing something so easily exploitable for comic use.
NP Sound – Baby I Love You
And here’s the budget version.
Sillyshu – Skylover
This guy has a few songs actually but I never covered him before because he sucks and writing “boring trap garbage” over and over was giving me RSI.
Yodayoung – A Night Of The Star
Star Wars fans, this really isn’t worth stanning over just because of the name.
Yoon Won – To Me
This song is so sleepy that this guy couldn’t even be bothered changing out of his pajamas.
Zion T, Jinbon, Joe Wonsun – Running
Crap even by Zion T standards.
Xiumin – You
…should not listen to this. Even if you’re a Xiumin fan as he doesn’t even sing in it.
Cheetah ft. Chaboom – Flight
When Chaboom appeared in my best-of list a couple years ago I knew it was only a matter of time before he got roped into some bullshit soft pop crap.
Airplaneboy ft. Ja Mezz – Damare
Well the sub-bass is nice, that’s something I guess.
Park Da Ye – Spring, My Christmas
Yeah I don’t think that this actually counts for the yearly Christmas list as it’s really just another Cherry Blossom boredom.
Yongseok ft. Sangmin – Karma
These guys were in Cross Gene I think. This song has a nice groove but not much else. Man I’m really trying to be positive about the boring shit songs this week.
Pierce – Change
Well, it’s not any worse than what the adults are doing this week.
HoneyG – Starlight
The “producer top billing means the song sucks” rule applies yet again.
Ha Dong Yeon – At Last
Warning sign: a keyboard instrument in an empty field.
Swan – Butterfly
Better than any song called “Butterfly” by someone called “Swan” has any right to be.
Chancellor ft. Taeyeon – Angel
“I’m not agreeing to dance for this shitty ballad!”
“We’ll double your appearance fee!”
“No – no way! This song can get fucked!”
“What if we hide your identity?”
“Hmmmm…. well, alright then. I guess nobody will know.”
Lim Sang Hyun – You
It’s another week where the shit ballads outnumber everything else by a reasonable margin. Oh wait, that’s every week.
Knoa – Won’t Let You Go
Really. I can’t believe some people think I just make up the numbers on how many ballads are released. This cancer is everywhere.
Cherry Coke – Wash
I sped this one up to 2x just to see if it would make a difference and it still sounded too slow.
E-Ruda – Spring Flowers
The cute girl from Bloomy and some other girl from Bloomy that I didn’t care about do a duet song, and it sucks but thanks to the person who sent me this so I didn’t miss it!
Bigone ft. Penomeco – Too Much
Navid – Going Gourmet, Just The Two Of Us
That’s a big dog, and a very expensive guitar. Just the base model Martin costs around $2000 where I live, that thing there probably retails for about $5000 Australian.
109 – Moon
Meanwhile I’m not sure what this guy has because I can’t read the headstock but the song sucks so meh.
A Train To Autumn – Spring Rain
You’d think that a group with “Autumn” in the band name would have the courtesy to not release a garbage spring song.
Geegu – Moonlight
I’m here for girls doing weird satanic shit in the woods. Let me hold your blood chalice or whatever.
Turboy – Bean Bean Bean
Before you press play, think for a while about what you might expect from something that looks like this. Then press it and see how wrong you got it.
Colslaugh ft. Don Mills, DJ Vamos – Shut Up Malfoy
Gosh it’s a nice try, it’s almost good.
My Darling – Kung Chi Dda
It’s not amazing, but at least it’s upbeat, even if they all sing like they swallowed a spoonful of tahini first (try it and you’ll see).
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Loona – BTS “Fire” dance cover
I know you’ve all seen this already, but it’s never a bad time to see it again. I like it when girl groups do covers of boy group songs because it shows the seriously untapped potential of girl group dancing. Guys always get the cool, really physical stuff and girls always end up doing the prissy hand-waving and ass-shaking, and videos like this prove that there’s really no reason why girls can’t get routines as kickass as the popular male routines. Not that there’s anything wrong with hand-waving and ass-shaking, in fact I’m all for it, but some variety is nice too… but girl groups don’t really have that kind of variety ever, do they – not in real terms. Hmmm I wonder why not. It’s almost like “girl crush” is one big lie, gosh, imagine that. A marketing fabrication bought and sold by overanalytical fans unknowingly acting on behalf of major corporations to add a veneer of cultural respectability to a completely superficial laboratory-created product to help it cross over to western audiences obsessed with “credibility” and “gender awareness”, reaching for solid ground into an abyss of fairy-floss. Not in MY k-pop, surely not…
That’s all for Kpopalypse roundup this week – more roundup next week!