It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup – let’s take a look at some new releases!
Hands up if you make shit ballads. Okay, good, I see lots of hands. Now keep them there if you like participating in group chats where there are pictures of unconscious girls being raped. Okay, great thank you everyone, gosh that’s still quite a few hands. Now keep your hands up again if you’ve had a good song in the last six years. Roy Kim, what are you doing with your hand still up, you can put it down now.
Blackpink – Kill This love
Pretty much just “Ddu Du Ddu Du” with trombones and even more awkward rapping, until one of Teddy’s typical end-of-song tangents arrives and threatens to take the song somewhere fresh and cool, but then he says “fuck it” and ends the song instead. If they developed that end section for another couple of minutes they could have had something very cool, but they didn’t, so they don’t.
Momoland – Banana Chacha
It’s a little bit painful… well okay, it fucking sucks actually – but I’m enjoying Momoland being forced to break their recent formula for some advert or whatever. We might get another “Wonderful Love” if they keep this up. This song isn’t it, though.
IZ*ONE – Violeta
Competent but basically uninteresting, I’m still not really getting the hype around IZ*ONE.
BOL4 – Bom
Oh come on, put away your cupid cheat mode and give the guitar player a shot at happiness geez. You’re already the hotter one, there’s no need to make the playing field even more uneven.
BOL4 – Stars Over Me
BOL4’s singer looks how their music sounds. She’s one of those girls who is nice in that cozy undemanding way, she might not wear the best clothes or make your male friends jealous but she’s low maintenance and would probably laugh instead of complain if you accidentally got jizz in her eye.
Block B Bastarz – From Seoul
One reasonable jazz guitar riff does not a song make.
Jung Dae Hyun – You’re My
The usual ballad bullshit. A good song to play “what part in the ballad comes next” drinking games with.
MC Sniper ft. Rachel Yamagata – An Overnight Flight
Come on dude. You’re better than this, you know it and we all know it. Nobody wants a song like this from an MC Sniper album, get your shit together.
Minhyun – Universe
A reasonable chorus but it takes a while to get there and the road is paved with musical valium.
Lee Gikwang & 1Million ft. Jiselle – Lonely
Some quality choreo is the only thing worth watching this for.
Double K & V-Hawk – Zombie
A very promising intro and then it’s just some trap garbage, what a massive let-down.
Astro – Hanasake Mirai
Disorienting key changes that make no sense take the edge off a song that is otherwise pretty good.
Blackpink – Don’t Know What To Do
It takes a full minute to pick the crusties out of its own ass and get moving, but once it does it’s a better song than their feature.
Shafla – You’ve Changed
The T-ara ballad returns! This is almost more like a T-ara ballad than actual T-ara ballads were.
Youngest – Can’t Nobody
This kids’ stuff goes harder than 99% of Korean hip-hop. Not even joking.
Girl Crush – Memories
Meanwhile these adults are going soft musically, but visually full-adult. As predicted by Kpopalypse, the sexy is returning to k-pop.
Kang Xiwon – Click Click
Eh.
Alike – Real Love
No MV for this ultra nugu song and it’s probably just as well most people won’t get to hear this.
Son A Reum – Let You Go
Why is she wobbling back and forth, what’s happening there. Is she trying to stay upright in a stiff breeze, or does she have some kind of mental condition, or perhaps the camera guy is just shit… I don’t know but thinking about this was more interesting than thinking about the song.
Son A Reum – Lazy
Yeah nah this is even worse.
Jhnovr ft. Gun, King Sushi – Slot Machine
This makes every other boring trap song sound good.
Junsik Kim – Daily
Maybe he’s singing about how every day in Korea a new shit ballad like this one is released.
Nuz ft. Kim Oki – Real Time
Not much of a song but I was just impressed that there is a road somewhere in Korea where there isn’t a car driving down it every two seconds.
E Z Hyoung – Spring Step
Well at least it’s quick. Also that moonwalk the girl does at two minutes in, your bias could never.
Shin Wonho – Time
I assume it’s not that Wonho because the lack of mobile phone video games.
Gun – Aquarium
I refuse to type his name with the hashtag because I don’t want my fucking blog turning up in some NRA search.
J Tong – Oh Jick Jick Jin
It’s totally like that when you’re doing some crazy unauthorised traffic shit for a video and then the cops happen to be there.
Ellie Goulding, Diplo & Red Velvet – Close To Me (Red Velvet remix)
I’ll put this in here so people stop asking me about it, but don’t think that I give a fuck about this shitty song for one fucking second.
UV ft. Joon Park – Fine Dust
Lacks Dong.
Tokyo Girl – Tell Me A Cold Farewell
Lacks everything.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Top 25 MALE K-Pop Songs That Make You Thirsty – Your Votes Decided!
Kpopalypse is all about being inclusive and creating a site that all caonimas can enjoy, so I thought that after reading my IU bukkake fanfiction you’d all enjoy some thirst from the opposite end of the spectrum. This is actually a pretty cool video and I like the complete lack of shame it exhibits. Despite what many religions around the world fraudulently insist, sex and sexuality isn’t a shameful thing or something to be hidden – and imaginary sex with your man-meat of choice is some of the safest sex you can ever have, as long as you don’t take it a step too far and book that sasaeng taxi.
That’s all for this week’s roundup – Kpopalypse will return next week with more new songs!
KPOPALYPSE 
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shafla’s song sounds more like a SeeYa ballad
Ok i havent gone through all the releases yet because I had to stop and laugh for about 10 minutes with the jizz in her eye comment … totally caught me off guard.. good fucking work..
I fully agree with you about “Kill This Love”. The song really starts to get awesome with that “Gotta kill this love before it kills you too” part, but then it just ends a few seconds later.
I was at school with Rachel Yamagata. Same class. I cannot bring myself to buy her albums or go to the class reunions where we sit through her shit music and listen to her croon. Sorry, Rachel. I still like you otherwise, even though I’m pretty sure you were on drugs all through school.
Another disappointing effort from Teddy, I guess this is all we can expect from BlackPink now.
The 2nd half of 2ne1’s career was nowhere near as good as that amazing 1st half. Unfortunately, I fear that history might repeat itself with Blackpink. I wish that YG would allow other people to write songs for them, and that he would also allow the 4 members to write songs themselves. But I think we both know that that will never happen.
Momoland dips their toe into CFs with this unintentionally hilarious number. But I’d love more of JooE’s fresh, happy energy!
I for one sincerely applaud the return of sexy kpop! …And to throw a complete curve ball, I really like “Spring Step!” Young love is delightful, and exhilarating!
Can’t wait to listen to Shafia cus I really miss T-ara style ballads
Lol. Thanks for sharing my Thirsty Male video! I wrote it from the perspective a fangirl obviously. I also did a Thirsty Female video a week later as well from the perspective of a fanboy, and as expected, it didn’t get the same positive response. (shrugs)