It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup – let’s take a look at some more new releases!
Jus2 – Focus On Me
It’s hard to focus on anything when this song is so mellow that it’s barely even there at all.
Sunmi – Noir
It’s not quite another “Siren” but at least it’s another great video concept, she’s always good for that. In fact the song is growing on me since I stopped watching the video, as it’s easier to concentrate on without the very good but very distracting visuals.
Gfriend – Flower
Starts off threatening to do that horrible Latin sound that is causing mass suicides of k-pop fans globally, but then quickly changes direction into the kind of territory we’re more used to from Gfriend, which is a massive relief, of course. Think of the lives that were saved.
TXT – Crown
It’s not better or worse than any of the last dozen mediocre BTS songs, if you told me this was a track that BTS had left over after making their latest album that BigHit just farmed out to their debuting group instead, I’d believe it.
Minsu – Minsu Is Confused
It’s just an unspectacular song, it’s nothing at all to be confused about.
Minty – Rat Chat
Annoying garbage, like everything Minty does. Minty must write her own material, because she’s always fairly consistently awful.
Jang Dong Woo – Party Girl
It perks up a little in the chorus, but if this song indicates Dongwoo’s idea of a party girl, he’s definitely the kind of boy you could introduce to your parents. That’s not a compliment.
Jang Dong Woo – News
Some interesting sounds can’t hide the face that this is a boring ballad by any other name. By the way I’m not listing ballads separately again, last week was traumatic enough!
S.I.S – Always Be Your Girl
Once again S.I.S have a good song but does anyone under the age of 60 read Danielle Steel? No wonder she looks so embarrassed.
Dreamcatcher – And There Was No One Left
There certainly will be no-one left soon if Dreamcatcher keep insisting on making videos for all their crappy non-metal album filler songs.
Ravi – Tuxedo
Why does Ravi look a bit like an Asian Nicholas Cage here? I’m not sure what it is, but anyway this song is his “Wicker Man”. Not the bees! Not the bees!
Midnight – Girl Group’s Flooded
The suicide-prevention barriers on the rooftop are thoughtful, and probably necessary given how the low quality of this song makes me feel.
Dalsooobin – Katchup
Honestly boring R&B rubbish, some admittedly nice retro production can’t save it. It gets slightly better at the very end but by that time it’s way too late. At least Subin is keeping the vocals under control but the absence of vocal wanking by itself does not a good song make.
D.A.N – Suicide Squad
The beats aren’t too awful but I haven’t even seen that stupid film and I’m already over everybody doing Harley Quinn cosplay.
Kim Damso ft. Seokman Cheon – Not Being Hated
If you’re concerned about not receiving hate maybe try and produce something that isn’t a generic ballad.
Esna – Spoon
Devastatingly bad R&B lite, like the stuff crap American groups like TLC would churn out as album filler in the 90s.
4 Carat – Nanly
The chorus doesn’t fit with the verse just like these kids don’t fit into that awful hip-hop clothing. Scarily, it’s still a better song than most of the trash this week.
Anda – What You Waiting For
Anda has been around in k-pop since forever so not sure why YG has decided to help her put out something now. Meanwhile, Lee Hi is still stuck in that tree.
Shim Hyun Bo – Gather You Up
If you really wanted to count the shit ballads this week you could do it yourself.
Argon – Master Key
When you can’t afford to turn on any spotlights because your nugu agency is one step away from getting the power cut off due to lack of bill payment, so you have to CGI them on a friend’s laptop.
Youra – Dance
When your friends say “come around to my place and let’s have a jam session” they mean play bullshit nowhere music like this. Jamming – just say no.
Astin – Mirror Mirror
I don’t know who these people are but their song isn’t too bad.
The Black Skirts – Queen Of Diamonds
More mellow bullshit.
Lily – Bright Day
You know this is going to be awful right from the very first note. In fact you can probably guess every single thing about this song correctly from watching only until 0:05.
Ccola – Wonder
I think Korea needs its own “disco sucks” movement.
Jisook – Big Dipper
The long lingering shots on Jisook’s face. I’m pretty sure they directed this after a feedback session with Asian Junkie.
YunB – Alcoholic
Actually recreates the experience of being a drunk talentless loser quite accurately.
Reddy, YunB & Sway D – No Days Off
Anti-vaxxers are probably people who watched a video like this once and now don’t trust scientists and doctors. I guess that’s understandable.
Han Yo Han ft. Giriboy – Dance
Lesson: if you go to shitty k-pop concerts you will die in the desert and some asshole will desecrate your corpse and then rap about it.
Rocoberry & Doyoung – Don’t Say Goodbye
How come every actor and actress in shit Korean ballad drama videos has a big-ass telescope in their house? They must all be perving on their neighbours because you can’t see jack shit in a telescope pointed at the sky in an urban environment, the street lights and pollution fuck up your vision.
Kim Minseok – Spring Comes
Speaking of which I’m sure Cherry Blossom Bullshit is entering the charts again. You could sell Koreans a piece of dogshit in a box if you sold it to them in spring and told them that it was spring’s first turd.
10cm – However
Imagine being in a ballad group. Imagine having groupies that only want to fuck in the missionary position with the lights off.
10cm & Galaxy Fan – Storage
I don’t know who Galaxy Fan are but this is about 4.5% perkier than 10cm’s usual shit, so thanks for that I guess.
Nuz – Grassland
At least with a title like that, expectations are nice and low.
Y?uh – Anywhere
Smashing up CDs and turning them into decorative ornaments, what a great idea.
City Alone ft. Yeseo – Crime Night
It tries, but it’s too rooted in jazz-lite lounge music crap to be interesting when it finally kicks into gear.
Ahn Seunghoon – Thought Of You
I don’t think he did think of me, unless he was like “fuck that Kpopalypse loser, let’s write another ballad to piss him off”.
Prin – Loss Of Memory
Hopefully I’ll forget this song soon.
Gyul – Like Wind
A fart is like wind too but that doesn’t mean I want to listen to yours.
Chawoo – Sad
Accurate song title of the week.
Kim Yeon Ji – 10 Years Without You
If I were living with this balladeering bitch I’d pack my things and move out too. Some differences in relationships are just not reconcilable.
Pictions – Melt In Ocean
Where’s a shark when you need one. I’d love it if there was a fin in the water and then the shark attacks and the surfer struggles to get away and the music suddenly changes to thrash metal or something. Koreans have no fucking imagination.
Hong Jin Young – Love Tonight
At least Hong Jin Young is still cool. Do you know that she finally released her first album “Lots Of Love” this week, and she’s done what all artists should do with their full albums but don’t, which is compile all their quality songs that you actually want into one collection that you can play through from start to finish without puking? This is why I don’t give a single FUCK about all the constant album questions coming constantly from you guys. 99.9% of k-pop albums are pure shit, just the feature track plus whatever thoughtless crap was lying around that didn’t make the cut, shoved in there to fill up space. Your bias’ album fucking sucks dick and Hong Jin Young is going to bitchslap them all, so deal with it.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Loona TV #494
“Oh I’d love to hang out with a girl group for a day”… no you fucking wouldn’t. You know what it’s like when you’re taking the bus and then some teacher’s school excursion gets on at a stop. All of a sudden annoying loud little ratbags fill up every seat, and the teacher is there too and she looks frazzled and stressed-out as fuck, because if any of these little shits get into trouble or vandalise something she’s gonna be the one who cops the blame for it. You just sort of shrink into your seat and feel grateful that you’re not involved, and count the minutes until the stop where you get off the bus. When I look at those teachers, I think that’s how it must be having to chaperone multiple girls in these groups. You can bet Loona has some stressed out managers, just dealing with Chuu’s hyperactivity alone on a daily basis would probably be enough to send most of them into early retirement. If you’ve ever wondered why ViVi is kind of always separated out from the rest of the group it’s probably because she’s a bit older and she probably empathises more with the managers, they probably share cigarettes during break time together and talk about how stressed out everyone else makes them.
That’s all for this week, roundup will return next week with more new songs!