An open letter from Kpopalypse to the South Korean police

Hi, brave men and women of the fearless South Korean police force!  Kpopalypse would like a quick word… you know, about that guy.

So, you probably already know about this guy called YG, right?  Of course you do.

This is the guy.

So apparently it’s alleged that he’s into all sorts of shady stuff like prostitution, drugs, generally being a creep and so forth.  I mean, that’s not exactly news, right?  We’ve all known about that for a long time, especially you police folks who have apparently been “investigating” his prostitution and drugs for a while now, ahem.

However now you possibly have a reason to actually do something about him.  See, he’s apparently been involved in tax evasion, like, a LOT of tax evasion, which is illegal, as well as very naughty, but unlike other things that are also illegal and very naughty that he’s been allegedly doing, tax evasion means the South Korean government makes less money.  That’s bound to upset someone important, somewhere along the line, who might just call the cops (i.e you guys) on him.

So I’m just writing this letter to you now to say please DON’T arrest YG.

You see, the other day I bought tickets to see Blackpink.  This is the first solo tour by a k-pop girl group since 4Minute came to Australia in 2013.  That’s six fucking years I’ve had to wait for a k-pop girl group to show up and do a concert in this country.  Promoters in Australia have fucking shit for brains, they keep bringing over all these boy groups and solo performers nobody gives a single crap about and always ignore the untapped girl group market.  I swear everyone in Wanna One has visited like 16 times and every crap male solo singer nobody cares about has been here, but girl groups?  Even when KCON came here they only hosted one girl group per night singing four songs each, they should be ashamed of themselves.

I’ve put together this handy visual presentation to illustrate the problem.

I mean, I don’t even really like Blackpink that much.  They’ve got as many bad songs as good songs.  However beggars can’t be choosers, it really is that fucking sad for k-pop here in Australia that I will spend money to see literally any bullshit k-pop girl group that bothers to come here.  Except maybe CSJH The Grace.  Come on Australian promoters, it’s International Women’s Day today fuckheads so it’s time for you to start bringing over some k-pop girls thanks.

So it would be really awful if you arrested YG, and then his whole business shat itself, and then he couldn’t afford to fund the Blackpink tour anymore because all the funds needed to be diverted to his legal team and maybe also some new fashionable caps so the courtroom artists would have something new to draw.

Also it means that my blog readers couldn’t read my review of the concert, and that would make them sad.  That’s actually the main reason why I’m going, so I can write about it.  Since my readers these days are so incredibly nice as to give me moneys to write, the least I can do for them is use some of the funds to go and check out a concert or two so I can let them know what they can expect from Korean pop’s A-list, should they ever visit their town in future.

Please keep in mind that this request only applies up until concert time – after that, I’m fine with whatever.  While I certainly don’t condone violence against anybody, if I found out after the concert that the police had broken down YG’s door, smashed his teeth in with a truncheon, and then tied him to a chair while CL sung to him “The Baddest Female” for ten hours straight, I’d still sleep soundly that night.  Although I never agree with using brute force to solve life’s problems, if some police waited until after the concert and then shoved one of their funky standard-issue belt-flashlights right up YG’s ass while slapping him with a Blackpink lightstick and screaming “where’s my Lee Hi comeback you fucking trend-riding child-ogling ugly cockstain” and I happened to read about it in the morning paper the next day while eating breakfast, it would probably elicit only mild concern.  Although Kpopalypse strongly advocates only peaceful solutions for all conflict resolution, if after Blackpink had been “in my area” I happened to be reading comments from my lovely blog followers and one had written that they had secretly waited outside the YG recording studio with a baseball bat, ready to cave YG’s head in and write “if you’d stanned the Loona members more on Mixnine, this wouldn’t have happened” with the blood and brains on the floor of the parking lot, before being spotted and chased off by security, I probably wouldn’t even have a strong opinion about it.

The Australian dates for Blackpink are the 13th and 15 of June 2019, so please save the date and don’t do any big police actions until after then.  Thanking you so much!

5 thoughts on “An open letter from Kpopalypse to the South Korean police

  1. Which is exactly why I went to the Red Velvet concert in Newark, NJ (a place that is notable for having the largest port on the east coast, and being near New York and sounding sort of like New York but not being New York — the first time the group asked for “something famous about Newark” the room was silent, but then they made it clear that no one had mentioned to them that Newark wasn’t New York and the event moved on).

    … it would have been way more fun with a caonima meetup attached to it, because I wanted some people to talk about the concert who were somewhat septical of the whole thing but still wanted to be there.

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