The 2018 Kpopalypse Awards

It’s the return of the only k-pop related awards that matter – time to check out who is walking the red carpet at the 2018 Kpopalypse Awards!

THE 2018 KPOPALYPSE AWARDS

THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DIS TEAR” KOREAN NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2018

Nominees:

G-Dragon (BigBang) and Jooyeon (After School) – for dating like any normal people do

E-Dawn (Pentagon) and Hyuna – for dating like any normal people do

Kai (EXO) and Jennie (Blackpink) – for dating like any normal people do

Sulli – for not dating like any normal people do

and the winner is:

SULLI

There were a lot of “dating scandals” in 2018 that rocked the world of mentally challenged k-pop fans in Korea who think that they have some kind of entitlement and ownership over their idols’ personal lives.  However some Korean celebrities are so relevant that they don’t even need to do anything to make people think that they are engaging in scandalous flesh-spelunking activity.  All ex-f(x) visual Sulli had to do to make Korea’s gullible, sheltered k-pop media slaves think that she was having an orgy every second of her life was continue to make Instagram posts of her ordinary lifestyle of just having a good time hanging out with friends – which the Koreans who cared about this would have probably figured out, if they actually had any friends.


THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DAT TEAR” GLOBAL K-POP NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2018

Nominees:

Media Line Entertainment – for beating the ever-living fuck out of The East Light

San E – for rapping about feminism, or maybe he wasn’t, who the fuck even cares

Han Seo Hee – for meeting someone at a club one time, or something

Honey Popcorn – for crossing over from TV drama productions into k-pop

and the winner is:

HAN SEO HEE

K-pop trainee Han Seo Hee once again does absolutely fuck-all with herself over the entire year, yet still manages to piss everyone off anyway.  Her plans of debuting in k-pop have been probably long-forgotten by this point, but that didn’t stop k-pop fans freaking out a whole lot when she ran into BTS’ V at a club that one time, worried that he’d be tarred by association, or perhaps concerned that he’d do a T.O.P and fall for Seo Hee’s charms.  Thanks Han Seo Hee for remaining annoying for two years straight and allowing me to recycle the same portrait image I used from last year’s post.  I guess that V sign was a secret code, hey.


THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKE DIS LIKE DAT YEAH” K-RAP CREDIBILITY AWARD 2018

Nominees:

San E – for trying to write a baiting “third-person rap” in “Feminist” and failing so badly at it that the three and a half minute song required a 26 minute video to explain

Jerry K – for being stupid enough to take the bait anyway

Sleeq – for taking the bait part 2

Go Won (Loona) – for not getting involved

and the winner is:

GO WON

Honestly, San E’s “Feminist” was pretty fucking shit.  A crappy rap song with no beat to speak of, San E attempted for a Joyner Lucas style faux-ignorant rap-in-the-third-person to bait “nice guys” who sympathise with Korea’s radfems, but being San E and thus basically a talentless failure at rapping, he ended up accidentally sounding like exactly the kind of lip-service feminist he was trying to parody.  Unbelievably, Jerry K (one of his exact targets) actually took the bait anyway, proving himself to be just as dumb as San E is, then Sleeq got involved and not only made San E look like even more of an idiot but also arguably made Jerry K look exactly like the “nice guy” San E was accusing him of being for speaking first instead of leaving the response rap to her.  Cue lots of messy fighting and bullshit which I didn’t even follow because I don’t actually care what some clown-ass rappers get up to, but I’ve heard that since all this went down San E lost his contract and is currently panhandling in the street with a sign around his neck saying “will rap about men’s rights over 16 bars for food”.  I told you all that JYP was smart for keeping him in that dungeon, I wasn’t joking about that, he probably needed a few more years in there learning how to rap before being let loose.  Notably, Korean rap goddess Go Won was silent during this entire matter which speaks volumes.  She’s mature and sensible and knows not to get involved with this kind of career-derailing nonsense.  We should all aspire to be like Go Won.


THE KPOPALYPSE “SHUBIDUBI SHALALALA URIDURI YAYAYAYA” CROSS-CULTURAL K-POP SENSITIVITY AWARD 2018

Nominees:

Wendy (Red Velvet) – for showing her love for the unique culturally-rich dialect of African Americans

Chuu (Loona) – for raising awareness of vintage American sculpture

BTS – for teaching their fanbase important lessons about World War II history

Chen (EXO) – for shouting out to the best TV shows that tackle race issues

and the winner is:

BTS

We sadly live in a conspiracy-theory-happy age full of idiots, where many racists seek to play down the atrocity of the Jewish Holocaust during World War II, and some neo-Nazis ludicrously even attempt to deny that the Holocaust happened at all.  Given the ample evidence of the atrocities that occurred, why a hardcore racist would seek to deny that such activity went on is anybody’s guess, you’d think those idiots would be owning it and celebrating it instead, but hey, who understands those Nazi guys.  Fortunately, we have k-pop group BTS to remind everybody of the horrors of the Nazi regime, by rocking Nazi-inspired fashions at their live events and photoshoots that will undoubtedly get their fanbase curious and interested in investigating the truth of World War II history.  They also took some time out to include the Japanese in their fashion statements – remember that Japan were part of the Axis too!  Deaths-head hats off to BTS for keeping the memories of Holocaust survivors alive and making sure that people don’t forget these horrible world-shaking events, good work guys!


THE KPOPALYPSE “BO PEEP BO PEEP” AWARD FOR HIGHLIGHTING LACK OF K-POP FANGIRL CRITICAL THINKING 2018

Nominees:

E-Dawn & Hyuna – for being happily in love and making entitled fans mad

Davichi – because nobody knows the truth of a relationship between two people better than random k-pop fans who have never spent time with either of them

Park Bom – still making everyone upset because she took an extra headache pill once in 2010 or something

Seolhyun (AOA) – did the exact same friends-cleanout of her social networks that your passive-aggressive friends do every three months, world loses its shit

and the winner is:

E-DAWN & HYUNA

The lonely depressed k-pop fans who flood the self-help sections of k-pop social networks and constantly declare that they would give up everything for someone who they love somehow didn’t understand it when Hyuna and E-Dawn both did exactly that.  Amazing.  In the above photo these two remind me of Xayah and Rakan in League Of Legends, Xayah the flame-haired stone-cold killer who gives no fucks and Rakan the dopey strutting pretty-boy who follows her around with his penis out.  I hope they don’t have the same cringeworthy sitcom-style dialogue.  No coincidence that Rakan was apparently modeled on a cross between G-Dragon and the Gogol Bordello singer. (EDIT: the dude is actually Hui, maybe that explains it…)  Anyway these two pissed off a whole bunch of people and unlike the others on this list seem to be absolutely reveling in it, so good on them – Kpopalypse supports!


THE KPOPALYPSE “C’MON C’MON MAKE IT, C’MON C’MON TAKE IT” AWARD FOR STUNNING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF K-POP GENDER RELATIONS 2018

Nominees:

Kyeonha (TST) – for getting a head-start on standard k-pop industry practices pre-debut

Goo Hara – for postponing her promising adult-film career to hulk-smash her abusive ex-boyfriend in court

Holland – for demonstrating that you don’t have to be Kevin Spacey to advance gay rights

San E – for not being a feminism, while being a feminism, or something

and the winner is:

GOO HARA

A leaked grainy out-of-focus private sex-tape from a vaguely notable celebrity is a sure-fire ticket to their international fame and cultural relevance, just ask Paris Hilton who was famous for literally nothing except her name before her sex session got leaked, and is still surfing the wave of her ex-boyfriend’s jizz decades later.  It’s gotten to the point where celebrities who are leaving the house for the weekend leave their sex video on the coffee table with a note for the cleaners which tells them which adult video agencies to leak it to.  So bravo to Goo Hara for keeping her sex shenanigans hidden from the public, sacrificing this easy route to increased fame and fortune so she could deliver her abusive ex-boyfriend maximum legal punishment instead.  Also a special extra shout out to Goo Hara for increasing Kpopalypse web traffic, as thirsty readers searching for her tape are a big traffic driver to this site now (it’s here in case you’re wondering).


THE KPOPALYPSE “T-ARA LOVE” AWARD FOR THE 2018 K-POP GIRL GROUP DEBUT ABLE TO GENERATE THE MOST HATE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON OTHER THAN BEING ATTRACTIVE FEMALES THAT OTHER LESS ATTRACTIVE FEMALES ARE JEALOUS OF

Nominees:

Loona – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

(G)-Idle – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

IZ*ONE – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Honey Popcorn – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

and the winner is:

HONEY POPCORN

According to k-pop fans, (G)-Idle were hated because they sucked at live stages, but really it’s because they’re attractive girls that some guys like.   According to k-pop fans, Loona were hated because their fans were approaching BTS levels of annoying, but really it’s because they’re attractive girls that some guys like.  According to k-pop fans, IZ*ONE were hated because they didn’t realise that the only good Japanese anime is hentai, but really it’s because they’re attractive girls that some guys like.  However with Honey Popcorn, k-pop fans just had to come clean and admit that they hated the group because they’re attractive girls that some guys like.  Honey Popcorn are in fact so hated for this reason that even a large percentage of Reddit/kpopfap doesn’t want anything to do with them, and their ability to force rare displays of emotional honesty out of k-pop’s compulsively lying haters means that the “T-ara love” award is rightfully theirs!


THE KPOPALYPSE “BLING BLING JEWELRY CHAIN” 2018 AWARD FOR THE K-POP PERFORMER MOST WILLING TO GO THE EXTRA MILE TO PAY OFF THEIR TRAINEE DEBTS

Nominees:

Tiffanyno, it’s not my debt – it’s my family’s debt, honest!

Wheein (Mamamoo) – no, it’s not my debt – it’s my family’s debt, honest!

Dok2 – no, it’s not my debt – it’s my family’s debt, honest!

Rain – no, it’s not my debt – it’s my family’s debt, honest!

and the winner is:

TIFFANY

Actually, for all I know all four of the above family debt situations are completely legitimate, and there’s no reason why Tiffany’s is any different to any of the others.  I just wanted an excuse to use this great picture of Tiffany in this post.  Seriously, how good does she look these days, and what the fuck were SM Entertainment doing keeping that light under a bushel for so long by always putting her in the most unflattering sexless clothing they could possibly find for her.  Now that Tiffany is allowed to dress herself her own way, she is actually starting to beat out Sunny on the bias list, something I definitely never thought I would see happen a couple years ago.


THE KPOPALYPSE “IN MY EYES, EVERYTHING IS SEXY” MOST BUTTHURT-INDUCING “SEXY” VIDEO OF 2018

This award has been discontinued as it’s largely a double-up of content – discussion of sexy k-pop videos in 2018 will be in the Kpopalypse 10 most fappable k-pop videos of 2018 instead – coming soon!


That’s all for the Kpopalypse Awards for 2018!  Hopefully you have enjoyed tonight’s presentation!  Please make your way out of the auditorium in an orderly manner and don’t spill any popcorn because the cleaners are not paid extra to sweep this up!  Kpopalypse will return!

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