It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s take a look at some new releases!

EXO – Tempo

This is not quite my tempo, however the doo-wop breakdown is cool.  Why k-pop vocalfags don’t forget all about k-pop and get into doo-wop instead I have no idea.  If you’re going to care about vocals, care about a style of music where vocals actually matter – not k-pop, ffs.  Oh but wait, k-pop is trendy and gets clicks and you can farm up advertising revenue with it, whereas nobody gives any fucks about some music from the 1950s even if it was cool as fuck back then and all the teenagers were into it until some crap group called The Beatles appeared and set pop music’s progress back about two decades.

Dreamcatcher – Wonderland

Not much of a song, this is an album track for a reason and should have stayed that way.  However the video is great for making up your mind about which girl you like the most if you haven’t done that yet, just because the lack of the usual flashy Dreamcatcher visuals means you can actually focus your eyes on them properly for a change.  Don’t get me wrong, I like Dreamcatcher’s goth-lite style but sometimes it’s also good to know what people look like.

Heygirls – Yoo-Hoo-Hoo

This is bad like a Sistar summer comeback.

TST – Paradise

Actually this is rather good.

IZ*ONE – La Vie En Rose

All that buildup for this.  Reality TV show girl groups are always a letdown.  Even when they’re good (Fromis_9) they still don’t ever live up to the hype, just because there’s so much hype that it’s impossible for them to.

Black6ix – Swamp Of Despair

Great backings that are pretty much drowned out by the vocals, mixing-wise it really is a swamp of despair.

Pup – Yes Sir

A decent beat with some very weird bass in the verses saves it all from sounding completely silly.  Gosh cursive English tattoos look fucking stupid though, imagine having that thing on your left tit for the rest of your life.  At least Hyuna and Jiyeon got theirs on their back shoulders so they can spend most of their life not looking like a calligrapher’s practice dummy.  Let’s support PUP so she can afford tattoo removal one day.

Kang Hye Yeon – Great

BESTie’s Hyeyeon is now a trot performer and this is her debut.  It’s not the greatest trot song ever but I’m still here for her solo career which hopefully stays this way and features lots of frilly dresses and gratuitous electric guitar solos.

G-Idle, Madison Beer, Jaira Burns (K/DA) – Pop/Stars

All the League Of Legends theme songs for opening ceremonies are pretty cheesy and awful, this is no exception (when Imagine Dragons have the best one you know the bar is set pretty low).  Even worse, they didn’t do the idol makeover with any of the champs that I actually play.  This plus the removal of Banner Of Command and the shield/vision nerfs proves that Riot Games hates supports even more than G-Idle’s songwriters hate good music.

BONUS SONGS

Hyangni – Anxiety Hell

It’s okay I suppose but a lot of DJs at my radio station flog this type of throwback psychedelic sound absolutely to death, so I feel like I’ve already heard this song 50 times this week even though I’ve actually heard it about twice.

Grace + Sam Rui – Candlelight

I feel like these backings are cool but could have been used to make something better than this.

TVXQ – Jealous

Hey this is okay, that synth riff would sound good on guitar I think.

14U – N.E.W.S

The N.E.W.S is that I don’t like this song much.

JBJ95 – Home

Meh.  The usual.

Pierce – Galaxy

Some people probably think it’s great to see kids doing this but I just worry that maybe this is The East Light’s sister group.  I hope their parents packed duress alarms in their lunchboxes.

Piano Man – More Than Words

Well at least it’s not a thinly-veiled cover of that song, there’s too many copies of that in k-pop already!

FIC – Empty Lot

I have no idea how this was made but it seems like wasted effort even though it’s probably just a really simple animation with a stupid filter on it.

Richard Parkers – Stay With Me

Yes this is a bit unexciting isn’t it.

Sam Kim – Sun & Moon

This song is so slow that I typed out this entire sentence between the beats.

Monday Kiz – The World That Is Of You

Mind you this is even worse.  Monday Kiz are always crap.  What is with that.

Ezen – In The Rain

More plodding shit.

Pacman – Goway

This guy needs to eat some more power pills.  Or maybe I do, just to get through these songs.  Maybe these songs only sound good when you’re on power pills.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Kasper – How I Saved My Hair

Kasper seems fuckin’ pissed off in this video for some reason.  It could be because she’s talking really loud in a booming voice for no reason, having her pretty much shout at point-blank range down the camera about these hair products is kinda strange.  Or maybe it’s that makeup which is making her look like she’s on the verge of tears.  Or maybe she really is on the verge of tears because she never did finish that Kpopalypse interview and she now has regrets, that would be understandable.  She should have written a rap song about her hair instead, that would have been wild.  Too much rap is just the usual “I’m great, you’re not, let me now say it in 58 different ways in 16 bars” kind of lyrics, I feel like it doesn’t hurt to mix it up a little.  Rap about repairing damaged hair could be an untapped market.  Or what about mixing up styles and doing a metal song, she certainly seems pissed off enough to do some metal screaming, and headbangers sure know their hair.  Don’t thank me now Kasper, wait until after you take this advice and all-kill the Korean charts with “The Insanity Of Frayed Ends“.

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That’s all for this week – more roundup next week!