It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at this week’s new releases!
International listeners of the Kpopalypse Radio Show, please note that next week my timezone goes one hour forward to accommodate Daylight Savings, this means that from next week the show will air GMT+10:30.
Tiffany Young – Teach You
The girl on the right looks a bit like Hyoyeon, and the girl on the left looks a bit like Sooyoung, but what happened to Tiffany? Where is she?
Sugar Tint – Heart Ppyong
Slightly dull production and not much happening once it gets going but this is still a better 80s retro song than most of the other ones that just steal the 80s synth-tom sound and write everything else like the same old R&B shit.
Seulgi, SinB, Soyeon, Chungha – Wow Thing
Great production here but not much of a song, too much meandering R&B wank ruins it.
Destiny – Like A Bomb
Hey this song isn’t the worst one I’ve ever heard but why is their video “unlisted” on YouTube? Also why is there a sound that cuts in periodically that is like a dog being kicked in the balls?
Super Junior – Animals
Your favourite veteran k-pop boy idol group just became a bunch of tropical-shithouse-singing Hearthstone-playing furries.
Yery – HBD
What’s HBD stand for? House Bullshit Dance? Honestly Boring Dirge? Had Better Dicks?
Day6 – Breaking Down
At least it has some tempo but it’s nothing special, if this was some shitty western rock group I wouldn’t like it either.
Joy Park – I’m Still
I’m still what? I’m still using a crappy Roman bust as a candle shade, I guess.
Isle Qim – ShuShuShu
These pencil drawings would have actually taken a bit of time to do. Which is kind of sad really that someone wasted all that effort for this.
Kisses – 24hr Store
Slumped over that table in the diner she looks exactly how I feel.
Luhan – The Moment
The moment when I realised this was a shit ballad and not worth listening to was at about 0.5 seconds into this.
MaseWonder ft. Yonko – Going
That dance perfectly conveys the lack of anything interesting in the song.
MaseWonder – Beg Your Pardon
I don’t think that Autotune voice really works with the chill vibe they’re going for, but then this song sucks anyway so who cares.
Krr – The Night Time
It’s got some pretty good instrumentation actually but it’s just too fucking dreary, like most of everything else this week.
Onewe, Oneus – Last Song
I’m not sure if this is some AOA band/idol combined concept or what, I thought labels had given up on that since they figured out everyone just wanted to see Choa’s ass.
Dewsisters – With You
If this girl lived in Australia she’d be dead, we all know you don’t pick up seashells like that around here. I know they’re trying to be all romantic with her hearing the ocean in the shell or whatever but I just keep thinking of some creature crawling out of there and stabbing her in the fuckin’ eyeball.
Shirts Boy Frank – Acid Rain
At first I was worried that he was going to mumble rap but eventually I started wishing he would.
Woogotsa – Is She Pretty?
I like it how the song starts with “I know I’m pathetic” – yes, we know too.
Floppy Ft. Ringojay – Break Up
Wow she looks awkward, I think we’re found Korea’s Peter Garrett.
Monotonik ft. Kim Kibum – Nostalgia
Red flag: any song called “nostalgia”. Nostalgia itself is a boring concept for fuckheads so any song about it is probably going to be the same.
Rust – Groove It
I want to know what song that woman is dancing to as it seems like it might be a far better one than the one we’re hearing.
Feel Good – The Farmer’s Life
It’s not bad until the horrible chorus.
Nangman Band & Lee Sangsoon – Stay As You Are
When I see the word “band” in the title I expect a little bit of rock. You don’t have to go all 1986 Metallica on us, but just perk it up a little, geez.
Jay Park – Sexy 4 Eva
I wasn’t expecting much with that title – Jay Park isn’t good when he’s trying to be a ladies’ man. This is too swigswegswag for me.
Ezen – Don’t You Want Me
With five strings on the bass this song should be 25% better than other songs but it really isn’t.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Momoland’s Yeonwoo tries rock climbing and fails, and then cries a bit
When I think of the main reasons why I definitely wouldn’t ever have wanted to become a k-pop idol, fairly near the fucking top of that extremely well-stocked list is all the bullshit mandatory “TV variety” activities that these idols are forced to do. It’d be just like all the unpleasantness and extreme boredom of Physical Education class in high school, with the difference being that every cunthole faggot-bitch netizen ever is watching you, waiting with their fingers at the ready to take a big career-destroying shit on you in social media if you don’t display the correct attitude of extreme humility at all times in the face of you failing at the endless supply of incredible bullshit arbitrary tasks that are all really just designed to make fun of you and punish you for being a “lucky celebrity”. Notice how everyone laughs at Yeonwoo when she loses her grip on the wall, and take like a full minute to realise that she’s upset even though she’s screaming and crying. TV variety shows are basically sanctioned social bullying and someone should find out where that wall is built and send the coordinates to Kim Jong Un so he can fire a test rocket at it.
That’s all for Kpopalypse roundup this week, roundup shall return!