This post has all the results of the Kpopalypse 2018 survey of caonima action!  Read on and be hopefully entertained and informed!

A total of 583 people successfully completed the latest Kpopalypse survey!  (Also a handful of others got a few questions deep and gave up, hahaha.)  Here are all the results!

Question 1: Hi! How are you? Answer in as much or as little detail as applicable.

I’m good, for those who asked!  As usual I will address selected replies.  With over 500 responses I can’t address you all so apologies if I missed something that you keenly wanted me to cover, feel free to shoot it through to Qrimole if this happens.  Anyway here we go:

I will take this question as an invitation to rant. I have much to rant about. An essay’s worth. Let us commence.
Life fucking sucks. what the literal fuck is this excuse for existence. my brain has been fried for the past 5 or 6 months and there’s really not much I can do about it because all the reasons for mayhem are just life itself. They say 11th grade of high school (at least in America) is the hardest but what they DON’T say is that that applies to more than just the school aspect. My thoughts are scattered so let me just separate it all into different topics.
School: I absolutely despise myself because of past decisions. I’ve always been “smart.” This isn’t even a brag, just an established observation. But because I’m the textbook definition of a dumbass, I took advantage of those smarts in a way that is now harming myself. I’ve been procrastinating ever since I can remember. I faked a STEM project start to finish on New Years night back in 2nd grade, staying up with my mom at midnight finishing a project due the next day. I’ve never established proper time management skills or even study skills for that matter because of my reliance on what I’ll refer to as intellectual luck. wow what a first world problem i put myself into and am now complaining about. I’ve lost my sense of differentiation so I can’t tell if I’m simply being too hard on myself or if i actually am some pretentious bitch on the internet who’s wasting time to distract herself from her nonexistent problems. But back to what i was saying; that procrastination, even up until last year, was somewhat tolerable. Shit like that doesn’t work anymore, though. I’m in 3 ap/college-level classes (some of the hardest offered) and the workload is obviously a lot. My procrastination is obviously not helping in that. Now I’m left lagging behind, trying my hardest to catch up on the avalanche of work being given everyday and overcome my time management skills because I’M my own worst enemy. I’m failing a class right now and even my good grades have me anxious. I’m a first generation American. There’s expectations set, whether they’re spoken of or not. I set my personal expectations high even when I was younger and it has stuck. I expect nothing less than A’s and if I get less than that as a final mark, I’ll just bully myself into convincing myself that I’m a worthless piece of trash who can’t do anything right. It’s frustrating knowing where my areas of improvement are when I don’t do shit to change it. It’s all on me like there’s no one to blame here BESIDES me. Also doesn’t help that the school is kinda sorta shit in the way it is run so that’s lovely. Unnecessary rules here and there, specific teachers who think they’re some special authority figure for being staff, and teachers who aren’t able to put into perspective the amount of work they’re giving vs the amount they should be giving. Only one month out of roughly nine. Tell me honestly how am i supposed to keep up. I’m putting in my all, trying to make up for time wasted by staying up and studying/doing assignments but there is no change. What more can i do before i lose my sanity. Because despite the amount i wrote and the fact that this is only a portion of the worries I want to rant about, this isn’t even all of it (time management issues, hours upon hours of studying in an effort to make up for what I lack in, expectations I have to live up to, lack of understanding on the teacher’s part in communication between student and teacher, i could go on). There’s so many things that are just adding up and multiplying into bigger issues.
Health in all forms: I’m mentally drained. I’ve lost my sense of emotion at times and quite honestly, it’s scary. My attempts at a healthier weight for the sake of a better state of health completely backfired on me as soon as school toppled a truckload of stress onto my shoulders. You can see my inner deterioration in my eye bags, in my acne, in the dullness of my skin, in the permanent unintended frown on my face my mom always points out and gets mad over. “Eat your feelings away” is a phrase that’s slowly creeping up on me without me knowing. Stress meant more weight gain and everything else I mentioned above (minus the frown) and I’m sick of it. I’ve had too many health complications caused by weight for my liking. BUT EVEN THAT I CAN’T TAKE CHARGE OF. I GOT A FUCKING GYM MEMBERSHIP. I ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKED GOING. BUT PRIORITIES COME FIRST RIGHT??? When i’m faced with an apush test that could potentially boost my grade that i’m oh so fucking worried about, would i not be an idiot to instead choose going to the gym??? But PLOT TWIST, your parents are just as concerned if not more about your weight, your dad even saying forget about the work if it means you can exercise a bit. Forget the work you taught me to always have as a top priority? Now what? I’m only one person. There’s only so much i can balance. Sometimes i forget to take care of myself in the midst of all this. Showers missed, meals skipped, illnesses ignored, sleep unfulfilled. I went to school not knowing i had the flu but definitely knowing i didn’t feel good at 103 degrees F (39C or so), only going through with it and delaying going to the doctors because i didn’t want to miss anything from school and start lagging behind, be it even a day. I’ve gone 38 hours without sleep for the sake of “balance.” Do i just give up and let everything fall apart little by little? Of course i can’t, that’s why I’m stuck writing paragraphs like this anonymously hoping for advice instead of going to my friends who i know wouldn’t judge me but i don’t want to bother.
Future: For a bitch that’s technically smart, i sure do have poor decision skills. This past week i’ve just consistently wanted to cry because i keep remembering that when it comes to the future, i don’t have a clue about what is to come. No fields that I am strongly leaning towards, no clue how i’m supposed to make a living, no idea how i will handle the death of the people close to me though it’s such a distant concept to many. I get anxious a lot and things like this make it worse. I’m not too far from becoming an adult and i truly can’t help but hate it all. I’m not prepared in the least and it’s just so much to handle. All i see is this pessimistic image of me becoming the failure i so adamantly am scared of. It’s petrifying. I feel like a little kid scared of the monsters under the bed. It’s so humiliating to admit but the future scares me in a way i can’t even describe. When i finally decide to face these questions and ponder, I always end up crying but i really just am clueless. It sounds so dumb to write out now because there’s others who also don’t know what the future has in store but it’s a genuine fear of mine. My heart beats faster and my head starts pounding because it’s all just too much for me to process. How long can that last, though. Decisions need to be made and they can’t be put off for much longer.
There’s more i could write but it’s already 1000+ words. I actually want to thank you because I’ve been meaning to write all my thoughts out and this really prompted me to.
If you actually stuck around to read all this, i applaud you for reading through some 11th grader’s weirdass thoughts that probably DID end up being someone who i wasting time when she could be fixing her problems that aren’t as big as she makes them out to be.

Yes I did read it all.  There’s no sugar-coating it – being a teenager is a shitty experience for almost everybody.  School pressures, family pressures, hormones, worries about future paths in life and peer group fuckery collide into a perfect storm of ass cancer. I didn’t enjoy it any more than you did, although perhaps for slightly different reasons.

When I was a teenager, I was also a guitar student, and since there was no Internet to learn from and I wanted to know more than what my teacher was teaching me, I’d read Guitar Player magazine a lot.  Guitar Player was different to all the other guitar magazines around at the time.  Most of the other magazines focused mainly on heavy metal (a decision those mags would all regret when grunge swept through a few years later) whereas Guitar Player made a concerted effort to include a much higher diversity of music styles and opinions.  All guitar magazines would also have regular celebrity guest writers, who each month would share a “hot lick” (guitar jargon for fast technical passages) or some other technical information like amp settings, how to get the most out of guitar effects, stage performance tips or whatever.  One month a new columnist started a regular guest column in Guitar Player magazine, a person I’d never heard of, called Robert Fripp, from a group called King Crimson.  I didn’t know who he was, and I didn’t know who King Crimson were either, they were not a big group in Australia at the time, not that it mattered a bit because he didn’t even talk about his band in his column anyway.  Robert Fripp’s articles were about “guitar craft” which was some bizarre alternative guitar teaching methodology of Robert’s own design – his first article talked about aspects like how to hold the guitar, relaxed sitting, and so forth.  The articles he wrote were divisive, they generated a lot of complaints from readers who presumably expected to be learning the trickier parts to King Crimson songs, or found the advice to be basic and condescending because he was dealing with such simple rudiments.  Most of the “guitar craft” exercises I disregarded but what stayed with me was the emphasis on critical thinking (Robert Fripp wrote that readers should think critically about his articles and discard anything they found not useful), as well as some of the general self-development advice.  Particularly relevant was his advice for tackling large goals on the guitar: “achieve the possible, and move slowly toward the impossible”.  I always kept this in mind when practicing seemingly “impossible” pieces and the methodology worked – break down a large complex piece into bite-size chunks and master each part individually.  If the individual part was too hard, break it down even further, and so on.

I think that in your life, you’re trying to do too much all at once, and that’s compounding your stress in life at the moment which is already kind of shitty for other reasons.  You can’t be everything to everybody, or even yourself, and you’re putting way too much unreasonable pressure on yourself to perform in so many areas, no wonder you’re freaking the fuck out.  Example: there’s absolutely no reason to bust a gut trying to get perfect grades when you’re only in year 11 – your parents and teacher and maybe even you will hate me for saying it, but nobody actually gives a fuck long-term about what you do in year 11, unless for some reason you don’t advance to year 12.  The only school grades that matter are the very last ones you get in your final year of school, because that’s what college or an employer looks at.  Every year before then your grades only need to be good enough to advance to the next year and not get held back.  With study habits, as well as life/work habits in general, the key is to achieve a little bit at a time, and once again don’t expect perfection or completion right out of the gate.  That doesn’t mean you should put pressure on yourself to change your habits to healthier ones straight away either.  Change how you operate, but change a little at a time too, because what you’re really working on is yourself, not the essay or whatever, I mean fuck the essay it’s only year fucking 11.  Set a goal for your study habits, and don’t try to achieve it, just achieve a little part of it.  Then the next day, achieve another little part.  Start with the easy stuff, then move up.  Achieve the possible, and move slowly toward the impossible.

I’m a horrible friend.

I’ve been friends with my bestie for over a decade. She had a horrible time at school because she developed early and wore nice clothes (they weren’t even revealing, they just looked that way because she’s busty) and liked talking to guys.

She began doing drugs in her last years of high school, gained weight, and barely graduated. She got into a science degree program in another city, which made her so happy because it was a fresh start in a place where no one knew her or her past.

Four years later, her problems with men are as bad as ever. Her college is in a very conservative, much smaller town, where people still think tongue kissing transmits AIDS. The men there think of all big-city girls as hookers they don’t have to pay.

She falls into the same predictable cycle that she did back home; a guy wants a “casual” (aka sex-only) relationship, she agrees, the guy continues sexting other girls and calls my friend an easy whore to anyone who will listen, she finds out and dumps him only to take him back a month later because she’s horny and lonely. The guy does not learn from his mistakes and is more than happy to perpetuate this carousel of drama. Rinse and repeat.

Well yesterday, finally, after years of this mess, she blows up my phone with tons of gushing messages about this hot smart guy she met on Tinder. Her asked her out on her first ever proper date. She sends me his pictures, and he is indeed a dreamboat. I offered her tons of advice on what to do, because at that moment I really was so happy that she was finally breaking the toxic wheel of horrid men and bad choices.

About two hours ago, she texted me and told me that her date was like a dream come true. The guy was a gentleman, kind, considerate, amazing. He asked her out on a second date next week.

I really don’t know why exactly that news didn’t thrill me as much as it did yesterday. I feel like a terrible person for entertaining (however briefly) the thought that her date wouldn’t go well.

Why do I feel like this, though? Maybe because she’s beautiful, much more than I’ll ever be? I’m not certain about that…..I might be ugly but I’ve had a pretty nice life so far. A good job with great future career prospects, the respect of nearly everyone I meet, a spotless personal and professional reputation, various hobbies. Virtually zero drama.

Maybe I’m just bitter over the thought that the only thing remotely close to any kind of sexual activity is the time I accidentally flashed my neighbour 2 years ago and have only had sex once in my lifetime, and here she is landing 10/10 hunks by existing.

But am I really so petty that I can’t let my best friend have some sort of “advantage” over me when nearly every other part of my life is great?

I just don’t like feeling this way. I’ve never been this way ever. I’m sure this feeling will pass soon, but I am ashamed of it.

TLDR I am a bad friend and a bitter hag.

Here’s some trufax about relationships, and it’s something that a lot of people have a hard time grasping.  People who are kinda “incel” (and I’ve been there, I was a virgin until I was nearly 23 so I know how it feels to go through many years of basically nothing in this department) tend to have the following perception of their quality of life vs the quality of life of those in relationships:

They feel that being in a relationship is a kind of elevated status, and that because they’re not in one, they’re down on some lower level.  However the reality is actually more like this:

If you’re not in any kind of relationship situation with anyone else, you’re actually not down in the dumps, you’re on a good “neutral” kind of life quality level which is nothing to be ashamed of or sorry about.  It’s a very practical place to be because while it does mean that you’re missing out on a few things, it also means a lack of interference and lots of time and autonomy, all of these are positives.  Your friend has actually spent most of her sexually mature life under you on this scale, so I wouldn’t feel too bitter about her experiences now.  Who knows how this new guy is going to pan out anyway – the other thing to keep in mind is that to keep any relationship “up there” on that higher level takes work.  Most people struggle with this, and maintaining any relationship long-term on a good level isn’t always easy, no matter how “perfect” the people in it supposedly are.

As far as the general question of not feeling as attractive as your friend, I wouldn’t worry about it.  There are people who won’t feel that way.  For every k-pop fan who likes Suzy there’s one like me who prefers Suhyun and wouldn’t even look at Suzy twice.  I don’t stan idols like Suhyun “ironically” – I really actually do prefer them.  Also with your friend off the market you might find that you start getting more attention soon anyway…

I wrote “Well” and you said “Please review your answers for this page, because I think you fucked up somewhere. Am I not allowed to be well? Is it because I’m a white nationalist?

I thought that WordPress was bullshitting me when they said that they had implemented new anti-racist controls but I guess it really works!  Anyway thanks for persisting with the survey, and perhaps consider a change in ideology to make future surveys easier to complete!

OK, i’m fairly happy. or at least, unbothered by everything. i do wish there were more attractive people in my school though. high school kind of sucks, i can’t wait for uni to come around

I think you will find that people at Uni are crazy attractive, it’s a huge step up.  Big mistake of my life – being in a long-term relationship during my entire time as a uni student.

I’m okay. A little stressy depressy because I have exams but overall okay.

I’m having to do my last years of school over a few years because I have a chronic illness which makes it hard for me to attend full days of school. My friends graduated last year and it sucks because they’ve all moved for uni but I’m slowly finding it easier to be alone. I feel like it’s actually kind of a good experience for me, learning how to live mostly alone. I’m finding things I enjoy and have really learnt a lot about myself now that I’m away from typical teen dramas and other peoples problems to solve. I think it’ll mean I go into uni a lot more mature than I would’ve been if I didn’t have to stay at school for a few more years.

Anyway, I hope you’re doing alright too buddy.

Tip for everyone who hasn’t moved out of home yet – life improves a lot when you do.

Was bad for a while but I’m doing better. In times of need I think of your commitment to not giving a fuck about what other people think and immediately become more of an asshole, but also sort of happier. Thanks!

Glad to be of assistance!

Hi. I’m doing good. How are you?
I’m in my final year of Computer Science and I also got a really great job that I start next year after I graduate. It’s in a city far from my family but I’m excited for a fresh start. And I will finally be able to afford concert tickets (if paying for rent and a new car doesn’t leave me broke)! Any advice for surviving in a new work environment?

Do your jobs as well as you can, don’t get dragged into work politics, but also don’t neglect the social side of work.  Balance is the key.

I hate my life, I hate college

You might as well learn to love life and college because it’s just easier than hating it and you’re going to have to put up with it anyway…

Hi! I’m great! Got a girlfriend in part thanks to some ask.fm answers by you about being patient and not telling the person you love them outright. Of course, being the facetious cunt that you are, you did also answer a serious relationship question of mine with some snarky non-helpful non-advice, but the other stuff helped. Thanks for your help, old wise man! May your blog prosper and your faith in Rainaism be restored with Raina’s next pilgrimage to Gangnam.

Hahahaha sorry I didn’t come through for you with the second one, but I’m an old man and not being a cunt is sometimes beyond my caonima abilities.  I will reflect.

i’m anxious all the time, and my doctor have already given me anti-anxiety pills but i’m still anxious. do you ahve any suggestion how to reduce my anxiety?

There were a lot of questions about anxiety in this survey compared to previously.  It’s hard to advise people because it’s different for everyone and I’m hardly a mental health professional.  You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t ever anxious at all, but obviously there’s a limit to how much anxiety is useful.  I’d suggest find an activity that’s healthy where you can funnel that anxious energy into something productive that enhances your life, rather than just having that energy spin around in your head and drive you nuts.  It won’t make you less anxious perhaps but at least you’re gonna get a bunch of cool shit done that way.  If a wind blows, you can either push against it, or build a wind turbine.

I haven’t slept for about four days in a row, guess that’s what I get for being a workaholic piece of trash but the surveys you post make feel a little more motivated to continue my miserable days

Turn the sound down and watch this on loop.  I guarantee you that sleep will take you soon.

You’re welcome.

Hello! I think I am settled back into a pretty constant level of being OK-ness. There is this and that going on but none of it sticks out as being worth mentioning to a stranger on the internet. (Particularly since the last time I did, talking about my issues getting work done, you gave advice on how to get through university not reading carefully enough to absorb that I had said that I had just graduated from a PhD program. Not that I seem to want to complain or anything.)

K-pop is currently improving my mood 🙂

Hi there, yeah sorry about my inability to read questions, I fuck up sometimes.  I will reflect v.2 – glad things are good with you and you didn’t need my shitty advice anyway.  Sincere apologies.

im kinda off, since i’m turning 23 in a week nd i havent finished my damn degree yet.. also i just started to work for my father nd it’s been quite a ride.. on top of that everyone at the office is very fucking ugly nd i have never been in a relationship (i swear it’s not because im ugly) so i hoped i could meet someone but.. yeah i feel like im never going to get anything done and im never gonna be happy but at the same time i feel like i am beeing super dramatic so i can’t even stop nd be sad, how are you?

I’m good!  Maybe what you need is a job somewhere with a high staff turnover.

Voluntarily dragging myself through the pinnacle of America’s shitty school system: college. Fortunately, I stayed in my hometown and got scholarships to pay for my tuition but I feel like that’s all going down the drain because I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do after getting my degree. I also just watched a documentary on climate change that says we humans fucked up the world so much that we’re all gonna die horrible deaths. So, you know, what’s the point really? To life. To college. To this survey. *goes to the corner and mumbles incoherently*

I’m no expert in this bullshit, but climate change science is so complicated that even the people studying it seem to have a hard time understanding it, with basically everyone agreeing that it’s a thing but a lot of varying theories out there about exactly how fucked we are from the “we’re all dead in 5 years” guys on one end to the “it’ll just be a big beach party” guys on the other, and the situation isn’t helped by the fact that there’s so much bravado and name-calling on so many sides of the climate conversation.  When I was a kid “doomsday” documentaries would scare the shit out of me, I spent years thinking that the world would end because of that Nostradamus wanker, then I worried pointlessly some more when I found out about nuclear bombs, then again with “peak oil”… none of that stuff transpired.  Don’t worry about it, just take each day as it comes, whatever happens is going to happen and you probably can’t do much about it so make it your duty to enjoy life while you can!

Somewhat ok at the moment. Last week was difficult, and I still have shit left to sort through, but ok right now. And I’m hoping that I get a new job soon. The one I currently have is shit work and barely giving me any hours anyway, and I need fucking money. Anyway I hope you’re doing well. Have you been getting enough hater tears?

They are flowing freely.

I’m having a little crisis because I just realised I’m about to turn 23 in less than two months and it’s already been five years since my mom died. I haven’t done anything of significance since graduating high school, no studies, no finding myself or finding passion for something, anything, just the occasional part-time job. And while I’ve been stagnating, my friends have been getting degrees, serious jobs and kids (well at least there’s one thing I don’t have to envy them for).
But hey, at least my Trudeau/Macron fanfic has over 100 kudos on ao3.

Seems like a goal to me!  Enough imaginary Internet points and you can compete with the bigwigs over at Reddit/kpop which is another life goal.

Im trash right now. Still can’t get over the fact that my girlfriend broke up with me and is happy banging other dude. Shit times man.

You should bang the dude too and get revenge that way.  Turn that love triangle into a circle.

Hungover and disappointed because the DJ last night was an absolute fuckface, so much so that I had to be physically restrained from pulling him over the bar and choking him out until he played something other than mumble rap. Anything other than mumble rap.

While I recommend peace and love at all times and definitely don’t condone violence against an individual based on nothing but their music taste, if you had choked him out I would have nevertheless found that very amusing.

Hi! Good. How are you? Right now I’m listening to Jvcki Wai thanks to your bias list. She’s cool. Thanks!

Cheers!

Good! A little lost because I’ve realized that I want to study statistics, but my school doesn’t have a statistics program. So I’m not sure whether I should just pick something else to study or try and change schools or?

Do a psychology degree instead, if they have one.  You’d be amazed how much of a psychology degree is statistics.  Or at least where I live it is that way.

I’m doing ok. It’s really hot where I live, Brazil is tough man(and I was surprised to learn Australian people face the same temperatures), I moved with my grandma and she actually feeds me unlike my parents did. In exchange I do all the dish washing and help with pretty much anything. It’s a fun life. Also me and my bf are planning to have sex this week using a vacant friend’s house, it’s gonna be my first time, any tips? I know when you see this it’ll probably be too late like. Love you oppa.

Definitely too late by now I reckon, but my main tips would be:

• Don’t get pregnant
• Don’t get anyone else pregnant (although getting your bf pregnant is statistically unlikely)
• Careful with those nails, if you have any
• Don’t be surprised if your first time is a little meh, sex like anything takes practice to git gud

I’m doing pretty good. I’m a freelance translator and it gets pretty difficult to make ends meet but I’m not actually good at anything else so I’m just going to suck it up I guess *shrug*

If you can translate speech as opposed to just text you might be able to get a permanent gig doing that.  Suggest that you apply to places who need telephone translators.

Kinda bad actually.. I really like my job but I can’t stand some of my supervisors. They micromanage the fuck out of me and my coworkers. They do the pettiest shit and they’re making it unbearable to be at work. It’s especially annoying when I bust my ass working and am constantly being given good feedback from upper management and am almost always a top performer. I do my fucking job, but they somehow always find a reason to ruin my life by scolding me like I’m a 5 year old. I’ve tried changing my schedule to avoid certain people but no matter what shift I get, there’s always one or two supervisors that are like this. I want to continue working there but I don’t think I can.. I’ve even applied to other jobs recently in preparation. Should I really quit? Or is there any way to handle this?

Before you jump ship, tell management about the problem.  Not all of them, just pick one manager, one who has given you a lot of praise.  Try to do it in a way that isn’t accusatory – remember that your supervisors are probably following instructions of management.  If you’re really a valued employee they won’t want you to leave.  That doesn’t mean that they’ll pull out all the stops to save you from going, but they might be able to at least fine-tune things so they’re more bearable.  Have an exit strategy ready though anyway, just in case.

I’m pretty okay thanks. Uh, any advice on dealing with my dads gfs 9 year old spasticated kid? I’ve nicknamed him Shithead Bratcunt the 1st (and when he and his mum isn’t around I use that name always for him) because he’s so spoiled, annoying and actually looks like a rat. He’s 11 years younger and is constantly on Fortnite like no thanks play some decent video games for fuck sake.

He constantly wants attention (mostly from his mum) and won’t go away if you ask him to. If you ignore him he gets right in your face and screams or hits you, and I can’t hit him back like I want to cause my dad really loves his gf.

Other than that, how are you?

I’m great.  Fuck Fortnite.  Corrupt the install of Fortnite, just remove a few essential files or something.  It won’t make your home life any easier but it’ll be funny and you’ll laugh, before you cry because he’s in your face even more now that he doesn’t have his favourite distraction.

I’m okay. Not great but I’ve had worse times. I started to love myself more this year, decided to fix my sleep schedule, started getting into skincare, stopped using social media to compare myself to others, lost weight, and started to use mirrors again. Someone told me that I was beautiful for the first time recently and that really gave me a confidence boost, but that same someone also tried to get in my pants and he is twice my age, married, and has a kid. I stopped talking to him after I found out that he was married. Another guy also told me that I was beautiful and he almost made me believe it myself. He’s the guy I lost my virginity to. Pretty sure we’re currently friends with benefits atm. He’s been hinting at wanting to date but at the same time he’s been calling me his friend and flirting with other girls as well. There’s a third guy (I’m probably a hoe) that I’ve been on a few dates with. He’s super nice but I’m not into him either. Am I a hoe? Yeah, probably. I’m just trying to find happiness – whatever that is. Happiness probably has nothing to do with guys but I just want someone to appreciate me because nobody else does. But yeah, I’m okay. You?

I’m good!  I appreciate all my readers.  I hope you feel appreciated by this response.  I hope this demonstrates that while sex is one way to be appreciated and can be a good way depending on context, there are also other ways.

still single, need GF

The mindset of you “need” a GF is probably partially preventing you from acquiring one.  What you “need” is better computer games.

I’m living the millennial dream, and by that I mean I’m drowning in debt caused by student loans all while living in a dumb third world country. Seriously, a computer programmer and burger flipper at a fast food chain both get paid the same amount of salary here. wtf?

That’s kinda weird.  Plan to switch countries and escape your debt!

Oppa have you ever watched Doctor Who?

I don’t really like it, I never saw the appeal.  When I ask Dr. Who fans why they like it so much, they always crap on about how low-budget the show is and how it’s about time travel as if those are reasons to watch it.  I mean sure, those can be good things depending on how they’re done, but I don’t see that as the sole reason to appreciate something which isn’t completely about either of those things.  It’s a bit like talking to computer game fans who get wowed by great graphics in computer games even if the game sucks, or music fans who love great singing in a song, regardless of what the actual song is like.

Fuck your livestreams. I might have Northern Hemispherean Privilege but I can’t get up at 7 in the morning to watch your streams on a Sunday. Please adapt to my conditions fuckface.

Check your privilege pal.

Fine, I guess. This girl I like probably thinks I’m annoying and I don’t know if she’s even into girls but I’m young and can get over it soon, especially since this is her last year here and I’ll have to anyway. My fear is that when track season starts I’ll ‘relapse’ in a sense because we’ll be spending more time together, plus she said she wants to do the same events I do this year. That, plus school starting up again, is taking a toll on me but I’ll get through it, I guess.

I think you should think positive thoughts.  Treat trying to get laid as a puzzle and you’ll enjoy it more.

I graduated in my but I am finding it hard to man up and actually look for a job. I know I need to but I just can’t find the confidence within myself. I am not even what I want to do.

Don’t worry about what you want to do, just worry about what you can do.  Getting a job is great because money, you can chase your life dream later once you have a bunch of the stuff.  You don’t need confidence, that comes later.  You just need to be able to do a thing over and over the way someone wants it done.

tried to put a random dot to avoid answering this question but you’re a cunt so I can’t do that

🙂

I’m a little frustrated. I had a friend whom I’ve known for years and shared our deepest secrets with but now she’s acting like a bitch to me. Why? Because we got in an argument where she essentially said that people with mental disorders can’t have healthy relationships without harming other people and/or themselves. I’m mentally disabled to hell and back (PTSD, Autistic, OCD, Bipolar w/ Psychosis) and to have her say “I would recommend not falling in love with someone with that mental disorder” is like an actual kick to the face. So I called her ableist for saying all that junk and she blocked me on all platforms except on this messaging app. We’re in a groupchat and she basically ignores me unless it’s to call me “trash” or make fun of me being upset over her ableist words or intentionally trigger me (because it is S O funny to make a mentally disabled person lose their shit!!1!1). And not only am I frustrated with her, but my other friend who was involved told me her actions was warranted because /I/ cut ties with her… which ISN’T even TRUE!! Again, she blocked ME on all platforms but I haven’t blocked her on a single app or account because I actually have a heart and don’t feel like it’s necessary to block someone I’ve considered close for years just because of one arguement that’ve hurt ME not HER.
Honestly, I’m tired of all this and don’t know what to do. I’m so aggravated with this whole entire situation like…. sigh…..

I’d cut this bitch loose.  Honestly she’s doing you a favour by outing herself as a cunt.  Just freeze her out and wait for her to either come crawling back, or not – but if she really does want to be your friend she’ll see reason.  If not, then you didn’t really lose anything.  Also try to clear up any misunderstandings with mutuals in person rather than over the net (where applicable).

Also I’ve fallen in love with people with mental disorders… more than once!  No regrets.

I don’t have much stuff to put here that would be of interest to you, so please enjoy the time you spend reading this as a break between the pieces of unpaid counselling work that you are surely having to do in this section

Thanks!  Anybody who wishes to pay me for this shit go right ahead, but to be honest my advice probably isn’t actually worth much in dollar value.

I’m stressed as fuck right now, and even though it sounds hella stereotypical, I’m just a big ball of anxiety right now. School’s coming, I’m anything but ready and I have this huge exam coming at the end of this school year and I didn’t study, not even a tad bit. Please send help.

This sort of music got me though my stressful school days.  Have fun!

Hi Loonalypse! I’m doing great! I’ve been a reader for over two years now but this might actually be the first survey that I’ll actually complete. I’ve always lacked the determination to reach end but Eunha has given me the strength to pull through! Hopefully theres not too many bullshit questions that make references to topics I couldn’t be fucked to look up to understand. Anyways have a great day!

I can’t promise this but I’m glad you’re here.

looks matter way too much to me lately (not that of others but my own) i pick apart my face like it’s my job
but ummmm hopefully i grow out of it soon i guess because i’m too sensitive for all this self-hate ?

No need to hate yourself, plenty of others to do that for you, that’s their job.  I’ve outsourced all of my self-hate to others because I don’t have time for that shit, and I guarantee you that I’m uglier than you are.

Good? I think, i don’t have a job, so everyone thinks I should be scared, or freakin’ out, but right now i’m just using my time to think what I want to do in my future, and writting for my blog.
Also i think i’m leaving Kpop behind, I don’t know why, but right now I don’t find that much of songs that I would like to hear in kpop, even tough i objectively know that songs are as good as they were last year (hell, even BTS toke out a beter song than the things they have been putting out since 2015), but I think is because my favorites groups are not doing it.

I won’t be mad if you check out of k-pop completely and just return for my year-end lists.  I partly do that list these days so people who basically couldn’t be fucked with k-pop as a general rule can still find good songs.

I’m fine! Just wanted to send a message to everyone that life gets better with age as you slowly stop caring about small things. Just keep at it!

Kpopalypse can confirm this trufax.

About to turn 20. Make it stop

Wait till you get to my age.  No sympathy from me!

Need to look for new job. Any tips about how to pass interview?

• Turn up early
• Look good
• For fuck’s sake proof-read your resume and get ALL the typos out
• Be polite and not a cunt
• Show the employers you have skills that they need
• Remember that they are taking a big risk hiring people, your job is to make them feel like you are as low-risk as possible

Awesome, I got an internship at this new, probably-going-to-take-over-the-world tech company, and I couldn’t be happier. Thank god I have real job and not have to beg people to send me Patreon money for my subpar blog that I get to use my below-average music education and training on!

Some people have all the luck!  Congratulations on being a smarty-pants and not actually needing any of the bullshit basic half-assed knowledge in my posts!  Why you’re still reading my crap is anybody’s guess but thanks for persisting and doing the survey anyway!  Although it’s been a few years since I used it last, next time I link to that Hi-NRG Wikipedia link I’ll be sure to think of you fondly.

Eunha looks both bitchy and cute in the hanbok photo, so I’m feeling double plus good. I also didn’t realize until now that her left eye is smaller and higher on her face than her right eye. It’s like her left eye is perpetually giving a stink eye. Now she looks even cuter to me.

Yeah I liked the photo too for similar reasons.  Here it is again for those who missed it.

Hi, feeling awkward cause it’s my first time doing this on here but eh, truthfully I could be better. That’s my fault alone though since I’m a pretty shitty person but then I like to self-deprecate myself a lot. I probably also hesitated sending anything in cause I would set myself up for being called some derogatory or insulting term by you…which is fine, a caonima like me deserves that. I also felt incredibly too stupid to write or ask another of decent worth compared to others here (talking more about the Qrimoles which I love reading). I already messed up by accidentally pressing enter on this question and I’m too lazy to refresh so now every subsequent question has that red banner calling me a caonima which is…nice.

But anyway, I wanted to thank you sincerely for this site and for teaching me not just more about Kpop but also life in general. It really does help since I really want to learn more about these things and possibly do some research into it (maybe?). Coincidentally I found your site right in the middle of my study abroad in South Korea so there’s that.

But how are you? Hope all is well and life’s good. I hope I didn’t write that much and damage your eyes with my eyesore of an answer if you read it that is. I apologize if it’s too long but it’s my first time writing to you and I’m incredibly nervous. I’m more of an observer so when I do speak out I end up attacking myself when I mess up (every time).

But have a good day and rest well~

It kind of scares me that people who are studying in South Korea are coming up with my site.  What are they searching to come up with this trash.  But anyway, glad you found me and glad that I was useful to you!

4th amendment

This is an Australian blog and we don’t have a Bill Of Rights, our 4th amendment is “she’ll be right, mate”.

Hello Kpopalypse Oppa! In one of your last surveys I already wrote about how surprisingly well I’ve been over the last couple of months – and shit has only gotten better! I got myself into psychotherapy to learn how to properly deal with my depression. It’s rough, but it’s helping a lot. Definitely recommended for people in similar situations. I finally kicked the person who I thought was my best friend out of my life for good, who had always treated me like her personal servant and doormat-in-waiting. And, after getting into a new major at uni last year, I landed my first internship position at this really prestigious company which is SO fucking interesting and even paid (yes, a paid internship!! A miracle!) Which I’m now rubbing into the faces of all the people who made fun of me for leaving my “good career path” (engineering) for “that hippie mumbo jumbo” (my real interests, east asian history). I know I’m being petty, but also fuck those people. Aaand today this really nice guy started talking to me on the train out of the blue and we had the nicest conversation ever. Now I just need to get my cousin out of his slow descent into drug addiction and life would be perfect. And an EXO comeback would be nice.

Good news!  Glad to hear things are going well.

Well I guess??
I’m getting thru my last semester of college and besides all the horror that implicates turning into an adult that has to provide for themselves, I’m enjoying the elective classes I’m taking, even if one of those includes having to draw an awful lot, even tho I’m not that great of an artist lmao
On other aspects, for once I’ve been able to truly not care about people taking stuff I say and do to a personal level (lost a “friend” that freeloaded onto two school projects, got full marks on both thanks to me and another friend but got upset about paying for materials -cost was split evenly too- and not having her badly done work chosen as what we presented to the teachers, she then proceeded to cut off all contact and has given me the stank eye several times the past month)
So yeah, I feel generally positive about most things going on currently, so I hope this mindset stays with me til the end of the year 😮

Great work!

How would you define the word “gay”? Sometimes you use it and I’m unclear about the subtext that you’re going for.

Sometimes I define gay as “guys taking hard cocks in their holes” but then sometimes I mean it like Anal Cunt mean it when they talk about pretty much everything being “gay”, which is just kind of another way of saying “everything sucks”.  Occasionally I might also use gay to mean happy if I’m going for an “old school” vibe as that’s the meaning of the word “gay” that was most common from the 1960s and prior.  So I can understand if you’re a bit confused because the word does have multiple meanings which are determined by context.  Know that the word “gay” is in fact very gay, but it’s also potentially not that gay, and I really think that it’s up to you how gay you should feel when you hear it or use it.

Hi, school is off to a bad start and my chronic tiredness hasn’t really gone away, which becomes painfully more obvious when I have to be on a proper sleep schedule. I’m one of those great students trying to get into all of those fancy colleges like Harvard and Yale or whatever and I go to a fancy private school generally known as one of the best, if not the best all girls school in the USA. Lots of pressure, to be real about it. On top of trying to maintain the best grades at the hardest school, I do competitive gymnastics at a really high level which takes up all of the free time (even though I’m not concerned with being the best gymnast, it’s just a good workout + my friends are there and it’s sort of fun because my coaches aren’t abusive unlike most coaches, who are generally dickheads). On top of that I have to try to maintain my piano repertoire, keep up my art portfolio to send to colleges, hit the appropriate standardized test scores and write all of the applications, which here in America generally involves about 5 questions per college plus a general essay that all of the colleges receive – not to mention that anxiety and depression that’s been bothering me for the past 4 years (yes I have a psychiatrist and go to therapy). It’s not all bad, I’ve recently stopped being suicidal and my physical health has gotten better as compared to last year where I literally slept 15 hours a day or something like that. But yeah, I’m essentially trying to be this super talented, perfect person, but I just kind of can’t handle it? I only have about a semester left but I’m already kind of breaking down. I’m smart enough to essentially come out of most classes with a straight A average with… lots of stress and crying but not much actual time input (I basically skip all of the busy work and focus on getting great grades on major assignments, which I am generally excellent at ) but I desperately want to break this cycle. It’s hard to talk to a lot of people about this because I sound like the front page of r/iamverysmart, but people just don’t really understand the struggle of the “good student”. The pressure is insane to be this “special kid” at the “special school” going to “special university”. People have been casually calling me a genius since I was young, and while I don’t pay attention to it now I’ve kind of internalized the concept of intelligence as an essential part of my identity, with all of the negatives that might come with that. Idk man, my sense of personhood is in the middle of this major development, where I feel like I’m shedding this “perfect and talented” persona and I’m trying to reclaim all of that stuff independently on my own terms. It’s just really hard when I’m in the middle of the most stressful semester yet! Also I lost my very best friend because it was an unhealthy relationship and she disrespected me a bit, and I’m frankly still trying to deal with it. Anyways, bottom line, I’m really stressed and trying to find my identity as a person, but my environment is really really stifling at the moment, and all I want to do is sleep all the time! And I just want to get into good college!

P.S. before you link me your uni post take note that while it is all very good advice, college admissions are fucked up in the United States when it comes to the big name private schools, so generally my chances are better than most, but still low due to extreme oversaturation among other things. And I’m not rich enough to buy my way in or anything.

I know this was ranty and probably kind of pretentious sounding, but I really am stressed. Encourage me oppar!!

Even though you’re in a slightly different situation to the very first question-asker in this post, I feel like a lot of the same advice applies.  The difference is that at your level your grades do actually mean a lot.  Not much you can do about that except study etc.  What I’d also say though is that intelligence as part of your identity doesn’t necessarily correlate to academic achievement.  It’s a bit like before with the question where a good singer doesn’t equal a good song.  To put it another way, there’s different types of intelligence.  How many really “smart” people are bad in social situations or basic life management, for instance.  If intelligence was universal they’d be able to figure that stuff out too, right?  The best way to move forward is not to think of yourself as perfect, but to acknowledge your flaws and develop mechanisms to work around them and play to your strengths instead.  But I think you’re already coming to this conclusion on your own anyway.  So – good luck!  (Hopefully that was encouraging.)

Just here for your cat

Question 2: Only an idiot would put their real name on a Kpopalypse survey. So don’t do this – put someone else’s name here instead. It can be anyone you want, real or fictitious.

Thank you all for submitting names!  Special shout out to Miss Fuck U Why Is This Mandatory.

Question 3: What is your religion?

Chuuism was the clear winner, and this is a theme that would repeat itself with some of the other results.  On the other hand very few people believed that Skull and Haha have ever made good music.  Sorry if this wasn’t the result you wanted, but maybe if you’d stanned Loona this wouldn’t have happened.

Question 4: Which classic fun-loving happy-go-lucky pop-culture duo most closely resembles the relationship between Kpopalypse and Asian Junkie?

Everybody loves the circus, and the shenanigans of current world politics’ two greatest circus clowns touched the hearts of Kpopalypse readers in much the same way as the good-natured, friendly banter between Kpopalypse and Asian Junkie.  Remember folks that Kpopalypse’s determination button is bigger, and it works!

Question 5: This is a picture of veteran k-pop group SHINee.

Why does Onew (far left) have only three fingers in this picture?

Many readers suspected sneaky diversion tactics from SM Entertainment.  Who knows what secret skullduggery the “leaders in culture technology” are capable of?

Question 6: If the above photo made you sad because the gap between Onew and the others made you think of Jonghyun (RIP), feel free to save the above image, then draw or Photoshop your own picture of Jonghyun in the gap and upload your work here. The best submissions will be included in the survey results post, if this highly experimental survey question actually functions as intended. Please respect Jonghyun’s memory by limiting your file size to under 1MB. This activity is not mandatory.

Amazingly, this question worked really well and most of you had no trouble uploading images.  There were a huge amount of high quality entries and it was impossible to pick a favourite, however here were some of the better efforts.  Please enjoy!

Question 7: How do you feel about the Kpopalypse livestreams now that they’re back?

Most people didn’t watch the streams – something that I already knew because my blog readership numbers (thousands per day) are way higher than my stream viewer numbers (rarely more than about 15 at once).  However that’s fine, the streams are for the most dedicated and highly determined of caonimas only!  Of course many of you pointed out in the answers to other questions that you don’t watch the streams because they are not on at a very convenient time, but unfortunately this is unavoidable, it doesn’t matter when I stream as it’s always going to fuck over someone somewhere in the world.

Question 8: What would you like to see more of on Kpopalypse Nugu Alert?

People really wanted to be weirded out by Nugu Alert, so expect more weirdness fondly!  Nobody cared much about nugu boy groups though, which I didn’t expect as Kpopalypse blog has a higher percentage of female than male readership.

Question 9: Who is your favourite girl in Loona?

Readers were invited to use this post for reference, and predictably selected Chuu as their leader.  Yeojin ranked at the very bottom, showing that maybe you need to stan her more, hopefully the below video will help.  Did you know that “Kiss Later” only just missed out on a Kpopalypse Honourable Mention for 2017?  Now you do!

Question 10: Biggest problematic disappointment so far for 2018?

Asian Junkie was presented with the photo opportunity of a lifetime, with all seven members of Dreamcatcher clamouring for his hot manly blogger flesh, but instead chose to remain suspiciously in the shadows.  The collective disappointment of his readership reverberated all the way to Kpopalypse blog, beating out other hot issues like Han Seo Hee’s lack of interest in a JAV career and Iron’s unfairly outed ex-girlfriend not verbally stabbing every other rapper in Korea to death.

Question 11: This is a picture of a Tweet about the relative value of T-ara and The Beatles.

In reference to the above, which group has actually done more for the music industry, and why is the answer T-ara?

Did you ever notice how the lyrics to “Imagine” never went “Imagine all the people / not beating the shit out of their family members”?  That’s because John Lennon wasn’t able to imagine that particular scenario because he was such a fucking woman-beating child-bashing cunt.  Meanwhile T-ara were so nice to ex-member Hwasnake that they steadfastly refused to throw her under a bus for years even though she thoroughly deserved it.  It’s pretty easy to see why T-ara are just better, and you all obviously agreed.

Question 12: Loona have been doing really well song-quality wise lately and thus are overdue for a really bad song. While I hope that they continue their quality run, it is trufax that even the best groups fuck up from time to time. When Loona’s inevitable stinker comes out, what will it be?

You sneaky caonimas had inside information here – when I wrote this question I didn’t know that an upcoming “Loona: The Ballad” style project had been either rumoured or publicised.  I don’t pay much attention to k-pop press so I had no idea about this, but it clearly biased the survey results.  Let’s hope that Loona’s probable upcoming slow songs don’t suck stinky sweaty ballsacks.

Question 13: Who should be the next Kpopalypse “no reason” sidebar girl?

Thank you for all your suggestions!  I won’t discuss results here, but you’ll only have to wait a couple weeks to find out the answer!  Readers can also look forward to more sidebar girl swaps in the near future!

Question 14: Which potential upcoming k-pop/western artist collaboration are you looking forward to the most?

The combination of Gfriend and Cannibal Corpse appealed the most to Kpopalypse readers, by a huge margin.  Surprisingly, nobody was very interested in a collaboration between Korean rapper Kasper and Sudanese-born Australian rapper Bangs, which just proves to me that not enough of you are familiar with the material of either.  Personally I think it’s a match made in heaven, listen to the two great songs below and see if you agree.

I think Bangs needs to take Kasper to the movies.

Question 15: When will After School come back?

I was hoping that your answers in this “date” field would be aggregated automatically by my survey software but it was not to be.  Since I couldn’t be fucked adding up and diving all 583 results myself, the true date of After School’s next comeback will have to remain a mystery.

Question 16: Which online community secretly loves Kpopalypse the most?

It’s true that Kpopalypse receives a lot of love from many corners of the Internet, but the most secretly-obsessed-with-Kpopalypse online community according to readers was still Reddit/kpop, a fact which is verified by my own site’s stats machine.  Did you know that although links to my site have been consistently shadowbanned by bots and downvoted on Reddit/kpop for the last year, that site has still brought in nearly 11,800 individual readers to Kpopalypse blog over the last year?  I know Reddit/kpop’s compulsively-reading pretend-haters won’t believe this, so here’s the receipts:

Whether they love me or hate me, they just can’t stop reading.  A big wave to all the residents of Reddit/kpop and thanks for supporting Kpopalypse blog!

Question 17: Asian Junkie believes that white nationalists who he bans from his site may be taking refuge in Kpopalypse blog. Is this correct? Pick the answer that you feel best describes you.

While I personally find it hard to believe that any white nationalists would be interested in following any form of Asian pop music (for obvious reasons), it’s also true that most British racist neo-Nazi skinheads in the 1980s really liked Jamaican ska music, so I suppose stranger things have happened.  Therefore I felt that it was worth checking into whether Asian Junkie was actually onto something, so I made my best efforts to phrase this question as neutrally as possible to get the most trufaxual data obtainable about this important issue.  These results were interesting:

• More readers overall preferred Kpopalypse (this result makes sense as they’re doing the survey on my site, not Asian Junkie)
• Most readers of both websites did not consider themselves white nationalists
• 11% of readers said they preferred Asian Junkie and that they were not white nationalists, compared to 2% who said that they were – therefore 18% of Asian Junkie readers considered themselves to be white nationalists (fence-sitters ignored)
• 37% of readers said they preferred Kpopalypse and that they were not white nationalists, compared to 6% who said that they were – therefore 16% of Kpopalypse readers considered themselves to be white nationalists (fence-sitters ignored)

Conclusion: while white nationalists were in the minority on both sites generally speaking, Asian Junkie actually has (very) slightly more white nationalists.

Question 18: If BTS are “not k-pop”, what are they?

Okay, I guess that was a predictable result.  Next.

Question 19: This is a picture of a Tweet about the relative value of Loona’s Go Won and Eminem.

Obviously Go Won is superior in all aspects, but why? Choose the most correct answer.

According to Kpopalypse readers Enimem’s consistent failure to rap over anything actually resembling a proper rap beat since about 1999 has pretty much sunk his chances of competing with the cultural relevance of Go Won.

Question 20: What is Wonho’s favourite free-to-play browser game on Nutaku.net?

Nutaku.net’s part clicker-game, part Miramax simulator Fap CEO easily won the voting as the eroge game most likely to be favoured by well-documented fap-game appreciator Wonho from Monsta X.  I’m not sure what drew readers to this choice specifically, perhaps it was the word “fap” in the title, and it’s true that Fap CEO is certainly a game that wears its heart on its sleeve.  However I can only assume most Kpopalypse readers are not regular Nutaku.net gamers, as Kamihime Project R easily has the best (and classy-sexiest) sex scenes out of any of the games listed here.

Question 21: Although Kpopalypse is free to access, advertisement free, and almost never promoted or hyped outside of Kpopalypse’s own social media, the site attracts a lot of haters. What is the most likely reason?

Of course all answers are probably correct, but the exposing of uncomfortable truths in the k-pop industry making some of the less mature k-pop fans feel threatened resonated with readers as the most likely scenario.

Question 22: If you are a Kpopalypse hater, please explain why the fuck you are even wasting your valuable time doing this survey, you dumb cunt. Or, just jabber on about how awful this site is like anybody cares (I don’t). You can skip this question if you actually have things to do, but then if you had things to do you probably wouldn’t be doing this survey in the first place, and you definitely wouldn’t have read this far into this long-winded unfunny question for no payoff.

Responses to this question generally fell into the following categories:

• Most people who filled this question out said that they actually liked the site instead and were quite encouraging.
• Quite a few people told me that I shouldn’t be so bothered by my haters.  However I’m actually not bothered by them at all, I just enjoy talking about them because I find the hate directed at Kpopalypse blog to be so mysterious, fascinating and multi-faceted.  Also while I do enjoy praise I also enjoy genuine feedback from people who dislike the site.
• In a shocking twist, most negative feedback given on this question was actually quite constructive and useful, and was mainly just people saying that they felt a bit uncomfortable about certain content.  Of course, feeling uncomfortable is often the exact point of said content.  I didn’t necessarily agree with all of this feedback but I did read and consider all of it, thank you for articulating your concerns in a concise and thoughtful manner.
• A very small selection of trolls and rabid haters actually bothered to fill this out, maybe not realising that the joke was on them because I not only couldn’t be fucked publishing their comments but now I have their IP addresses.

Question 23: What does the V in popular Kpopalypse series “The V Files” stand for?

Most readers felt that “vocalfaggot” was the correct answer, and they are probably correct, but then I don’t even know what half of the options in this question even mean.  Fun Kpopalypse fact, in the most recent episode of The V Files, the word “vocalfaggot” does not appear once.  I apologise profusely for this oversight.

Question 24: This is a picture of popular k-pop group Girls’ Generation.

Rank the above girls of Girls’ Generation according to their actual boob sizes, largest first.

Note that for readers who had trouble identifying the girls, the names at the bottom of the image corresponded to their positions from left to right.  It probably would have been helpful if I had pointed that out in the actual question – oh well, too late now.  Anyway, readers ranked them as follows:

Sunny > Hyoyeon > Yuri > Taeyeon > Yoona

Question 25: Now rank them again as if the Photoshopped boobs in the above picture were actually indicative of the girls’ true boob sizes.

With this twist in the proceedings, readers changed their rankings to the folllowing:

Sunny > Hyoyeon > Yoona > Taeyeon > Yuri

I don’t know what this means, or even if it means anything, but hopefully it amused you all for a few seconds as you pondered the power of Photoshop and careful costuming choices.

Question 26: Kpopalypse blog’s supposed “fap” material is clearly not actually designed for anyone to fap to. Why are so many readers so easily baited?

Every time in League Of Legends when I get to low health and run away and the other team chases me and then my teammates come in for a gank and mop up the other side’s carries, I always type “master baited” in all-chat.  It’s non-reportable and it never gets old.

Question 27: A new Halloween fanfic is due soon. What artist or group should it be based around?

I added this question because I wondered if readers were keen for a break from the Ailee fanfic formula, and my suspicions were confirmed, with Ailee polling the lowest out of all options.  Your wish is my command – the 2018 Halloween fanfic will be based around Loona!

Question 28: Who is Kpopalypse more likely to bias in the future?

Actually I haven’t found anybody in Produce 48 that I give a shit about even slightly, whereas your mum is probably still looking good.  Time will tell if this changes!

Question 29: Why is every Kpopalypse blog post categorised as “your mum”?

At least you all mostly got this one right.

Question 30: Thanks for doing this survey! As a reward for your patience and tolerance, enjoy this picture of Gfriend’s Eunha hitting herself in the eye with an ice cream cone.

If you have any feedback for Kpopalypse about this survey or the blog in general, please use the text field below. You can skip this question if you want. Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon!

Some selected feedback:

I think you’re doing really well! I appreciate your sardonic writing style and it makes me laugh when I am sad
Wish you’d put spaces in your blog instead of paragraphs tho I am old and I can’t read well

I’m not sure what you actually mean by spaces instead of paragraphs, but glad you’re liking the blog!

My mom is dead, sir, even you don’t want to go there. Anyway:

1) The Simon Reynolds piece on AutoTune in Pitchfork made me think of you, especially once he started getting into the loooong history of vocal manipulation in pop. (He also makes T-Pain sound like a pretty interesting and thoughtful guy.)

2) This should go into the QRIMOLE box but today I’m feeling like, in Australian parlance, a lazy cunt: one thing that’s been really frustrating to me while reading about the whole Hyuna/EDawn/Cube mess is our general lack of context w/r/t business culture and practices in Korea. As in: was it maybe worth it to Cube to cause the public mess to send a message to its staff (note: not just the idols) to say “We can fire anyone, including you”? Or to send a message upwards, to its board of directors (?) or investors, “We are so committed to staying on-message as a company that we’ll fire our best-known idol just for saying she’s dating”? (And is the follow-up message then, “So feel free to use our company as a cover for shady practices”?) Do Korean companies even have boards of directors? Is there such a thing in Korea as activist shareholders? I know Cube’s stock dropped but what does it even mean for Cube to be publicly traded? Who owns Cube stock? What is the relationship between Cube (or any other idol-producing firm), CJ E&M, the television networks, and the Korean government? And aside from all that, how common is it to get fired in Korea if you’re not an idol? Et cetera, et cetera. It feels as if what little information we get about the actual business side of things is either old, poorly translated (that’s not a knock on fans here — even when I was fluent in French I wouldn’t have wanted to try translating a Danone Group year-end statement), presented without much context, or all three. I’m hoping the planned The Korean / Youngdae Kim collaboration will have a little more on this, but I think their focus is more historical than business context. But in the meantime it feels like we’re all just fishing around in the dark going “LOLLLL Cube is so dumb” when we’re the dumb ones, unable to understand what Cube’s other motivations might be. I’ve been following K-pop for almost six years now and I still feel like there’s so much I don’t know, can’t explain, and can’t get decent information on. But to make this an actual question, rather than a rant: do you know of any guides to the business and management culture(s) of K-pop? The closest I’ve come is the bibliographies assembled at the K-pop Kollective by the super awesome Kaetrena Davis Kendrick: Part #2 is “Business and Economics,” but even she only found five articles on business. (And I haven’t read any of them yet. See above re: lazy cunt.)

That’s it. Always good to randomly ramble at you. Take care!

Short answer is no.  I mean, you can find any business guide and read that, and there’s even a few that are music-industry specific, but about k-pop – I know of nothing.  I have no doubt that this is deliberate and for the same reason that books on the inner workings of the Mafia took several decades to appear.

i sometimes come back to this blog and coincidentally it’s always around the time the surveys are up. curious. please do an article about loona as dnd characters.

Oh come on, occlupanids are far more interesting.

Do a post ranking kpop stars by hair color.

Are you trolling?  Also any k-pop star changes their hair colour even more often than my girlfriend.

I literally don’t recognise any of the GG girls anymore so that question is out lol. Anyway I appreciate the dedication you put into these surveys and the blogs. It would be neat if you had another music theory post. Thx mate.

I’ve been planning some but The V Files is probably the closest I’ll get to that for now.  The problem is that proper music theory posts take a shitload of time.  If I was a full-time blogger I would do it for sure.  Some will probably come out eventually though.

Sometimes i wish you would go into more detail about music because i really do think that you know a lot. And then i think about how much of a bother that would be to write and how that would start getting a little to close to OH levels of content, and then i rescind my thoughts.

This is the other reason why I’m often reluctant to go there.  I think it would interest some people but also bore a lot of readers.  I try to write in a way so that people without music education actually know what the fuck I’m talking about and that does mean dumbing stuff down, but I try to simplify it without just making up random-ass terms that don’t really exist, which is what other bloggers who write about music but don’t actually have a music education background tend to do.

Tried to watch a livestream once, there was people sending you links so you would react to them. I turn it off. Your “anti-pc” readers are hella retarded.

Love the fap posts tho. Keep it up.

Even though I’m fairly anti-PC I also agree with you that some of that linked content is really tiresome, but any engagement on the streams is honestly better than no engagement.  I encourage anyone not satisfied with the quality of the stream discussion topics to get involved and make it better – the quality of the streams is largely up to what you can bring to the table!

Thank you for doing a weekly roundup so that I can actually find out what music came out during the week and don’t have to dig through other useless sites.

No problem!

I enjoy your blog, even though I disagree with a lot of your views on race, religion, and other social issues. I respect your performance, production, and ethnomusicological expertise, and at times your blog makes me laugh out loud.

One point you have continually – and rightly – emphasized is that kpop shares its musical language with Euro-American pop music.; it’s “western” music, in a way that North Indian ragas or Indonesian gamelan music are not.
A little while ago, however, you noted something interesting that doesn’t contradict your main point but that does shift the emphasis : you drew attention to the stylistic differences between American and Korean songwriters by contrasting and contrasting Oh My Girl’s “Closer” with the same group’s “Secret Garden.” Could you explore this theme of stylistic contrast between kpop and western pop in greater detail?

I would send you money on Patreon, but I’m broke at the moment, so you’ll just have to make do with my best wishes instead.

Theodor Graf von und zu Loona

Thanks for your feedback!  This might be the topic of a music theory post in the near future, if I do one.

More interviews with people in the industry. Though that seems highly unlikely, if more interviews are realistically possible that would be cool.

I’m always trying to get more of this content on the site, and if it was up to me I’d do one interview per week every week with a new k-pop idol, but damn, it’s really, really hard to get people to talk to me.  People are either too scared to talk about the business honestly and reveal things, or they’re so fucking “over it” that talking about it gives them severe trauma and they’d rather just put it all behind them.  Both are very understandable reactions to interview requests, but it makes actually finding out real information almost impossible.  I have a few irons in the fire here that look promising but I don’t know when they’re going to come to fruition, or even if.  I won’t talk about them for now because they may not even happen and I don’t want to generate false hope, but I do hope for more k-pop artists and k-pop industry people to have open and frank discussions with myself at a date in the future.  Interested parties willing to talk and be featured in interviews like this one should get in touch!

stop posting about loona so much ya cunt, I see it everywhere I go and now your faggot self can’t resist

If you stanned Loona this would bother you less.

I am an army here to let out my frustratuions with those annoying faggots that say so much annoying shit about bts. in fact some of us are sane, and enjoy kpopalypse like any sane person ^-^

Thanks for visiting!

ur doing great, i still don’t understand how you aren’t stanning any of the april members yet tho when they’re songs are great and half the group seems like your type. Also, an actual criticism, I find your joking about Jonghyun,,, odd? Maybe he shouldn’t be untouchable material but I find it just as weird when shinee stans talk about him as if he just left the group or something? Idk. It’s just kinda tasteless but I do like everything else about your blog.

I know this bothers a few people and probably loses me a few readers but I really don’t care.  I think nothing is sacred and it’s fine to joke about anything (and I mean absolutely anything).  That doesn’t mean that I don’t take serious issues like suicide and depression seriously – I myself suffered from depression for a very long time and I also had a partner that I loved and several friends who suicided, so I know exactly how upsetting it can be, that’s why while I do make jokes about it I also take the time out in posts like this one to try and help readers who show signs of depression for instance.  The horrible things I joke about are almost always things that I have deep personal experiences with, and this is never coincidental – it’s part of Australian culture to deal with tragedy using black humour to “lighten the load”.

On a related note and a good example of how this works in practice that you can test for your own personal mileage and see how you go – I think “Life Is Beautiful” is a far more effective film about the Nazi atrocities than “Schindler’s List”.  The reason why is precisely because “Life Is Beautiful” uses a lot of humour – humour which a lot of PC people found “inappropriate” but which served a very specific function in the story.  The humour in “Life Is Beautiful” isn’t saying “nazism/racism/genocide is a hilarious laugh riot”, the humour is saying “nazism and abhorrent behviour deserves to be mocked” as well as “in the midst of tragedy, still being able to find joy and mirth is important for your mental health”.  By utilising humour to engage the viewer and lighten the emotional burden, “Life Is Beautiful” is able to show viewers a lot of the full-force horrors of the Nazi regime that “Schindler’s List” has to kind of skirt around the edges of so the viewer doesn’t feel “punished” for watching.

I’m so glad you like Loona! Everybody at my school likes BTS and Got7, both of whom release shit songs (with BTS’s exception of War of Hormone). It’s hard to find someone else who likes Loona (especially cause I’m a girl) BUT I found a guy who likes them too! He’s in a couple of my classes and is literally so fucking cute it hurts. He’s also single as fuck and makes me laugh whenever I talk to him and it’s my senior year and I KNOW i shouldn’t pursue a relationship but like he’s seriously one of the hottest guys i’ve seen, like hotter than every bts member and hotter than every exo member (as someone who thinks Exo’s Kai is the hottest kpop idol, yes this high school teenage boy surpasses him) and he’s basically hotter than any fucking manufactured pretty boy. All of my friends think he isn’t cute (but tanned asian guys are none of their types they all prefer white boys like wtf white boys are the ugliest boys excluding you kpopalypse oppar) but I still like talking to him. But I have trouble talking to him, like all we really talk about right now is how our dogs look similar (because they do look similar) and I really wanna start talking to him irl some more because I never get any opportunities to actually talk to him irl, we just text a lot (mainly because the classes we have together the teacher lectures the whole time) , how do you think i can start talking to him more irl? i don’t really know anyone he hangs out with except for one girl (i transferred schools at the beginning of 2018, so i basically have 3 semesters to get to know him) (american high schools have 8 semesters, 2 for each grade level, there’s 9th 10th 11th and 12th grade) (i just started 12th grade) I completed all of my academics and all i really need to do is complete college applications and get good grades, so i guess i’m ready emotionally and physically to pursue a relationship, but the problem is i really don’t know how!!! i’ve spent all this time studying and studying and studying some more because at my old school i didn’t have any friends and people would make fun of me for liking korean pop music and loona (i was the only kpop fan in the school, it was mainly caucasian students, and i’m speaking as a white female) and so i never got any opportunities (plus the guys were butt ugly) to flirt with boys. can you give advice for how to pursue this relationship further? (also, uh, guy that i like, if you’re reading this, uhhh ignore everything i said and ignore this post there’s nothing fishy going on here please ignore me) thank you kpopalypse oppar!!

Start talking about music!  Most guys like music, and the ones that don’t, are boring.  It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t share your taste, maybe ask him what he’s into.  If you’re really lucky you can get him to stan Loona but if not, it doesn’t matter, at least you’ve got some stuff to talk about.  If he makes fun of you for liking k-pop like other people have then he wasn’t worth your time anyway, so don’t be shy!

Why was the after-school-comeback-date in that heretic format? Please go and reflect

DD_MM_YYYY is the ONE TRUE DATE FORMAT

It’s spelled “colour”

You don’t have to put a Z in everything

goddamn American false education infecting the world’s English speakers argh

Just wanted to say thanks again for taking time to read our responses and for your posts (your site is one of the few safe, rational, and educative havens about Kpop on the internet). So keep doing what you’re doing 🙂

Thank you – I will!

I love reading this blog!! The way you write is hilarious and really fun to read in my opinion lol. Honestly the fact that the stuff you write is offensive to people is what makes it interesting to read. My only feedback is for you to write more about NCT and even more about Loona because they’re my favourite groups and it’s funny to see what you have to say about them hehe anyways keep it up please keep writing on this blog!! 🙂

Thank you – I will [part 2]!

Your posts are super fun and it’s always great to wake up to an entertaining read!! I know it’s hard to find time to write in depth content but may T-ara’s determination give you strength. As a music theory person, I really like your technical posts even if I already know what they mean, because it’s just great to have that content presented in a manner that isn’t so dry like the textbooks. Tbh, you really helped me understand pedal point better! More technical posts please,,,, they’re so fun. “Thing Kpopalypse dislikes in music” and the V Files are also great series because we generally have the same opinions on this things and the way you vocalize it is hilarious. Even if we do disagree it’s still funny to read. Have a good day oppar!!

Thanks!  More posts like these coming soon.

Thanks for making me laugh with your writing. Keep going oppa! Also I think qrimole has turned into a great format with people from all over the world contributing and asking questions about so many different things, which is super interesting and has taught me a lot – actually, thank you to all cao ni mas!!

Yeah I really like QRIMOLE too, I’m glad that readers are enjoying the interaction!  It’s much better than ask.fm which has thankfully died down a bit.  All the better content is in QRIMOLE now.

Love the site! Keep the hits coming (even if I have to occasionally read you praise Ben Shapiro from time to time!).

A critique from the left you may find interesting.

I’ve read this article before.  I actually agree with most of it, and I disagree with most of Ben Shapiro’s general platform.  I find Ben to be a really articulate speaker who is very good at arguing his case, and because he’s also conservative I find that fascinating, because the conservatives in Australia are utter morons like Tony Abbott who can’t argue their way out of a paper bag.  It’s just enlightening to me to see the “conservative case” put forward by someone who clearly can run a debate, because that’s kind of a new thing for me to see, and he’s not always wrong, just most of the time – I mean he’s a very devout religious person for a start so we’re gonna disagree on about 80% of shit just because of that before any of the politics even comes into it.

Thank you for answering my question in qrimole. Your answer was very detached and composed and helped to organize my thoughts

Cheers!

You are my Jordan Peterson

I don’t know how to feel about this.  He says some stuff I definitely agree with and a whole bunch of other stuff which is like “dude wtf just chill, women aren’t all out to scalp your dick off man”.

Why wasn’t there a question with only one multiple choice answer? You changed, man.

Sorry, I will reflect pt. 3.

You know, if you suddenly had a heart attack or something, you wouldn’t return with more posts soon and therefore your last moments might be wondering about what people would think when you stopped posting. You really can’t say with all certainty that you will do so, especially given you live in a country where everything is constantly trying to murder you. Keep safe dude.

I do my best, but I have high determinations to stay alive and write more posts, so while more posts are never 100% certain they are still very very likely.  If I’m wrong and I die, sue me.

A question I would really love to see explored: Other than the top artists who can make enough money to start their own restaurant chains or invest in real-estate, what actually happens to the various nugus, flops, and b-level performers? Specifically – what do they end up doing for careers? How do they eat / pay rent? Sometimes I have to think most of these are kids of wealthy parents who are doing Kpop for kicks and have their family’s wealth to fall back on (example: Taeha from Berry Good). Or do they go into the regular workforce? What with all of the competition to get into the best colleges to get the best jobs, and with them spending most of their formative and student years focusing on how to smile, pose, dance, and sing, I would be surprised if they had actual marketable job skills. I always wonder about the theoretical future life of a Kpop performer when they are 40. Seems like these kids’ careers are done by age 25 or so, and there can be only so much demand for models, actors, and TV hosts in Korea. Surely they don’t all become sex workers. That’s an aspect of the industry I’d like to know more about, if you ever feel like doing an article on it.

They probably just do regular jobs, but I don’t go around tracing the careers of ex-idols to really know.

I love the SHINee question. Thanks for still acknowledging SHINee (and my ult Onew lmao) and you’re hilarious even when you trash their songs. I love all your posts.

SHINee are an iconic group regardless of song quality, them along with many other SM groups helped forge the modern history of k-pop, and boy-group songs don’t get much better than “Lucifer”.  Sure most of their other songs I think lick balls, but that can happen to any group – and usually does.

Let’s Only Walk The Flower Road

Good idea!  Thanks for reading everyone!  Kpopalypse WILL return with more posts soon!