It’s 2018 and the hottest topic of all the k-pop Internets is – what k-pop girls does Kpopalypse like the most right now? Let’s take a look as Kpopalypse updates the bias list for 2018!
The Kpopalypse bias list changes over time and is always in a state of flux. Girls who exit k-pop are no longer eligible for this list, whereas each year several new entrants also arrive in k-pop and become eligible. Also there is the fact that girls who I didn’t notice before sometimes become more noticeable as they get older and get to do more interesting stuff. So, who is Kpopalypse biasing in 2018?
1 – Suhyun (AKMU)
Suhyun hasn’t been doing much lately because her brother has been off in the marines stopping North Korean bullets with his tooth enamel and is probably the sole reason why Kim Jong Un has chilled the fuck out a bit lately. At least Suhyun hasn’t given up completely on music while he’s gone and still has enough time to swan around on stage doing AKMU’s crap ballads in pretty dresses with random stand-in staff.
Still no obvious signs of surgery too, which is great, she’s still got that “looks like all the hot Vietnamese girls at my old Uni who didn’t talk to me because they were too busy practising piano 18 hours a day” look. I’m not sure when YG will get around to bullying her into the surgery clinic but until that time she can stay at #1.
Suhyun is all about the transformative power of makeup too, so be sure to check out her makeup YouTube channel, which should be called “here’s how to look hot like Suhyun and not look like a fucking ugly bitch”. Learn from the master and you too could be a Kpopalypse bias one day, which I’m sure is your life’s one ambition.
2 – UZA
UZA is just fucking attractive as fuck. Even subtracting the fact that she’s a goddamn musical creative genius, she just flat-out looks better than your bias. It probably helps that because she’s an independent musician, she’s actually having fun making music for real, so she doesn’t have that glazed-over whipped-into-obedience stare that most idols tend to have hiding just behind their thin veneer of aegyo-by-numbers. Enjoying life makes a huge difference to attractiveness.
Look at this video of her on holiday which is just totally designed to sell you on how pretty she is and how she’s just a relaxed person doing fun stuff that you wish you were doing with her. I think that’s worth buying her album for $23.74, don’t you?
3 – Yua Mikami (Honey Popcorn)
Yua Mikami isn’t the hottest JAV star by a long shot, in fact she probably isn’t even in my top dozen favourite JAV stars. However put her up against Korean pop idols and she’s streets ahead simply because not only is she cute but nobody does fanservice quite like Yua Mikami (well, nobody in k-pop anyway).
Actually Yua Mikami is probably the closest valid replacement for Raina that I’ve seen, as the above excerpt from one of her outstanding drama appearances (SSNI-152 – you’re welcome) clearly demonstrates. She has the chipmunk face and knows how to use it both in k-pop and in classy sexy drama performance.
4 – Shannon Williams
Shannon continues to be seriously, seriously woke. She told The Great Satan of k-pop websites to fuck off, and that’s as good a reason to place her highly here as any other. Okay so her taste in music might be a bit questionable but when I was her age I thought Pantera had at least half an album worth of good songs so I can’t really throw stones, we’re all a little musically ignorant when we’re young, and she’s certainly not ignorant in any other way.
Watch her be woke on her Instagram live thing, there is more knowledge compressed into each minute of this than there is in every Kpopalypse and Asian Junkie post combined. The only problem is she talks more in an annoying American accent these days, but apparently she can still change out to the far superior Welsh one at any moment so it’s all good and I can still stan.
5 – Eunjung (T-ara)
Speaking of people oppressed by MBK, Eunjung is hot. The carpet she’s walking on in these videos is actually red (we know this by the above video’s title) but it actually looks blue because it can’t compete with the red hot heat emanating from Eunjung’s physical appearance.
She also survived five years of bullying by two snakes, a crazy record company and an entire country. Strength of character is attractive!
6 – Eunha (Gfriend)
If Gfriend wasn’t a successful group, I reckon Eunha would be my pick to have a “Fiestar moment” where she basically just tells everyone “I was faking the whole time, I HATE k-pop so FUCK OFF I DON’T EVEN WANNA TALK ABOUT IT”. Fair enough if people feel that way because the industry does suck a huge ballsack but fortunately for me Gfriend are doing quite well so I get to see Eunha still doing the thing for now.
Not since IU has there been someone so obviously full of hate for the entire human race elevated to such saccharine levels of “cute” status. There’s something very attractive about it, even though Eunha has grown her hair out again and it doesn’t suit her.
7 – Yves (Loona)
Not only does Yves have some serious Sulli vibes AND the best k-pop song from last year, but when she’s not in official MV mode she’s actually allowed to open her mouth sometimes and reveals that she has the cutest rabbit teeth ever.
Sure, there’s a huge gulf between the primped, propped and shopped Yves and what she really looks like, but that’s fine. I like occasional reminders that everything k-pop is all fake bullshit, and if I can fap to those reminders that’s even better.
8 – Ailee
Ailee’s newly rounded figure and extra weight means that she now looks better than she has ever looked, and better than most other k-pop artists have ever looked too.
Her cleverly designed dress and crafty styling at KCON LA is all about trying to minimise her sexy new curves but Kpopalypse is not fooled!
9 – Jvcki Wai
Some girls just have fucking style and that’s what gets them over the line. There isn’t one single second of Jvcki Wai’s “Enchanted Propaganda” video where she doesn’t dress like a Kpopalypse wet dream.
Also even when she isn’t dressing that great she still wears an AC/DC shirt and unlike most other people in k-pop I’d actually believe that band T-shirts aren’t just a fashion statement for her and she listens to AC/DC too. Not that I listen to AC/DC all day or even at all when I’m not guitar teaching but I’m Australian and it’s in our constitution that we have to at least support the Bon Scott era when talking about AC/DC to people from overseas.
10 – Alice Vicious
Then there’s the other end of the spectrum – girls who have no idea how to even fucking dress themselves but it doesn’t end up mattering. Alice Vicious (formerly LiVii) generally sports several different varieties of yolo dishrag and her makeup is always some Fisher-Price shit for god knows what reason but she’s cute so whatever. One day her mother will let her dress herself and apply her own makeup and we’ll see her transform into a true list-topper but until then I’m still reasonably sure she does look good underneath all that crap.
Alice’s bizarre colour-assault also vaguely reminds me of a girl that I knew in the local punk scene who also had a weird-ass fashion sense, she was also a complete rampaging slut (and eminently unapologetic about it) and she was quite hot. I always wanted to blow a load on her but she was heavily crushing on one of my friends and I didn’t want to disrespect the friendship so when she came around to my house one time clearly wanting some jizz I just let it slide and watched DVDs with her instead and cooked her a nice meal. Later on, she got involved with some absolute wanker who introduced her to heroin and then she started whoring her ass out at truck stops and I sort of lost touch with her after that but I saw her in passing a few years ago and honestly she still looked outstanding. I hope she’s doing well and is getting all the action that she wants.
11 – Hong Jin Young
She still looks great but I get the feeling that her face is starting to melt at the edges a little. I hope that’s under warranty.
12 – Qri (T-ara)
Actually Qri looks better than ever but unfortunately she never fucking does anything anymore so it’s hard to put her up high in the list when she’s given me about 15 seconds of new content over the last 12 months (which are all in the above video by the way).
13 – IU
“Nation’s Little Sister” my ass. What naive idiot thought up that crap. Just look at her. There is no way IU hasn’t swallowed her entire body weight in cum by now. Mind you that’s not as slutty as it sounds because she only weighs about 17kgs.
14 – Jeongyeon (Twice)
In Twice’s videos she’s always dolled up into an 80s pop chick kind of look which really works for her, but away from the MV set Jeongyeon actually comes across as Eunjung-lite, along with everything good that this entails, so it’s a win-win whichever way you slice it. Unbelievable that she consistently polls the lowest across my objectification surveys among Twice members but if you cunts are really this blind and so easily fooled by an occasional bowl-cut that’s fine because it means that you save all the best girls for me.
15 – Sehyung (Berry Good)
A suspiciously attractive woman with a nose mole in almost the same place as Qri? I think I’m being watched.
16 – Chuu (Loona)
My latest Tesla account statement says that I get a 6% rebate on my power bills if I put Chuu somewhere in this list.
17 – Yooa (Oh My Girl)
I was going to put Solar here to throw the Mamamoo fans a bone (and let’s be honest Solar is pretty fucking good looking, the surgeon did a fantastic job) but then I realised that I didn’t have enough evidence that she was actually a human and not a collection of motorised plastic parts with a built in chip that mouths to R&B backing tracks. So you get the painfully real Yooa instead, who is kind of like Solar if she was fatter, skinnier, uglier and cuter all at the same time. I’m not sure how that’s even possible but it clearly is, just look at her.
18 – Nayeon (Twice)
Come on, you dumbass fans. Don’t assume her stylist is forcing her into it – Nayeon probably wants to look sexy and wear dresses occasionally but just knows she has to wrap it softly sometimes because you dumb-as-shit conservative fuckhead probably-religiously-brainwashed cunthole fake fans can’t handle 0.5cm of a fold in someone’s flesh because you morbidly fail as human beings. Lighten up fuckheads and show some respect for Nayeon as well as the people who want to feed that cute bunny face some pink carrots.
19 – Dahyun (Twice)
Dahyun is kind of like Nayeon’s twin sister who lucked out and got bracers in high school because the family could only afford one girl’s dental sugery, so now she has perfect teeth and a perfect smile. This of course makes her slightly less sexy than Nayeon, because perfection is always boring. However Dahyun also plays the piano and that’s a very hot activity so this increases her rating again and she can be in this list.
20 – Raina (After School/Orange Caramel)
Great, why don’t you just go ahead and open a YouTube channel and do the fanservicey videos I always wanted you to do AFTER you’ve ruined your face. Pfft.
That’s all for this post – Kpopalypse shall return!