People are always asking me about some k-pop girl who I honestly don’t give a fuck about.  The first Kpopalypse list of girls who I don’t find very attractive fulfilled a valuable community service by letting you all know that there was no need to spam me questions about some random girl in k-pop who I don’t care about wearing a thing.  As the landscape of incredibly uninteresting women in k-pop has changed somewhat since the first list was published three years ago, here are now some more k-pop girls that I honestly don’t give a fuck about (even though you might), so now you can stop asking me about them because you will know exactly what I think.  Read on and enjoy – if you can stay awake!

Important disclaimer: no, I do not “hate your bias”, you dumbass.  This list is purely assessing my personal opinion of the attractiveness of certain people, and means nothing more or less than this.  It does not take into account global fan opinion, or their personal qualities, unless the text specifically says that it does, and even then that’s probably just a complete fabrication based on my superficial impression of them plus the bullshit that goes on in my imagination.  So don’t take it too seriously.  Although if you do – have fun with that.  There is the possibility that I put someone here just to troll you.  But Kpopalypse is a very serious blog at all times and not satirical in the least so I’m sure that wouldn’t happen.

Yura (Girl’s Day)

If there was ever an example of reality not matching the hype, it’s Yura.  After consistently high rankings in my objectification surveys over the years, I expected some kind of cute, curvy goddess of k-pop.  Then I actually saw Yura close-up at Sydney KCON and found out that she looked like a cross between a wooden drawing mannequin and the antlions from Half Life 2.  I felt like I did when I got my first Transformer toy and found out it was basically just a model car with a hinge.

Like most professional models (which is pretty much all that she is these days) she knows how to take a pretty good photo, but the camera lies heavily and makes people seem curvier than they really are.  Yura looks like a rake, except a rake is actually useful for keeping crap off my driveway, whereas Yura fans just create crap in my ask.fm with 100 “have you seen this?” questions (that I always ignore).  If you’re over 14 years old you know that girls don’t actually really look like Yura, and at the top of that list is Yura herself, who definitely doesn’t look anything like the Yura that people think she looks like.

Everyone in AOA these days

When the “Bingle Bangle” promotional pictures came out, people were shocked.  Who the fuck even are these people?  The only reason why I know Jimin is Jimin is because she’s shorter than all the others, but the surgical de-Samuel L. Jacksoning of her face has also removed everything naturally appealing and distinctive about her appearance and now she looks like a jaw on legs.  And she’s still the most interesting out of anyone in the group now.

When the song came out it only confirmed the Stepford-Wifing of the entire AOA team.  Jimin is probably still actually Jimin somewhere under the new bone-cage they built for her face but I think the other five have all been recycled into spare parts for future idols by now.

Yeonwoo (Momoland)

Holy fuck, are you falling asleep yet?  If you’re looking at this picture you noticed one thing straight away, which is the eye patch.  That’s because everything else about Yeonwoo is boring as fuck and so she needs a few props just to make herself notable.

Oh look now she has a gun.  Maybe she’s coming to shoot me, I certainly hope so as a few bullets fired in my direction might make me less drowsy.  I’m sure you Americans all appreciate this photo as you’re all obsessed with guns (whether you like them or don’t like them, none of you can shut up about them) but for people in normal countries this is just a person reflecting some photons and it could be anyone really.

Hyolyn (Sistar)

She once looked attractive in that photo from 2011 where she smiled that one time, but these days she looks like a boiled lobster – with tacky Christian tattoos too, as if there weren’t enough reasons to stay away from her.  No I do not have time to talk about the lord nor do I want any pamphlets.  Maybe the neighbours are interested, please take your foot out of my doorway thank you.

Hani (EXID)

Otherwise known as Generic Everyidol With Makeup On #572.  EXID has Hyerin who looks like a sexy potato, LE who looks like a sexy leek, Junghwa who looks like that skanky lead singer from that rock band in my town that I can’t remember the name of who likes attention but is too emotionally flaky to suck a cock consistently because her mood changes so much between strokes, and Solji who I can’t remember what she even looks like because she hasn’t been in the group since 1923, so at least there’s a bit of mystery there.  These are all more interesting options than Hani.

Hani is wearing red in the above performance because red is a colour that suggests sex and she needs assistance with being sexy.  The others don’t, so they wear white so Hani isn’t upstaged.  Considerate.

Red Velvet

I’m getting better at telling the Red Velvet members apart now – Irene is the one with the fear of Kim Jong Un in her eyes in every photo these days.  Also if there’s any picture of them where any particular member looks miraculously anything other than completely fucking boring/bored as shit, like there may be some vague hint of a personality still hiding in there somewhere that hasn’t been relentlessly beaten out of her by SM’s handlers, that person is always Joy.

Having said that, they’re still pretty fucking uninteresting, and I bet they all do secret partner-swaps with the boy band members that they’re banging like in the film Dead Ringers and those kids are probably none the wiser.

Kahi (After School)

If you want to know where the threshold of “old” is in k-pop, it is and always will be Kahi’s age (Kahi was born 25/12/1980).  Example – I am older than Kahi, and my girlfriend is younger than Kahi.  This means that no matter how old either of us get, I will always be an old cunt, and my girlfriend will always be young, for she is younger than Kahi.  This fact is the only interesting thing about Kahi.

That one girl in Pristin who supposedly looks like Raina, but actually doesn’t

As a community service to my fapping, people keep pointing out to me that one girl in Pristin who supposedly looks like After School/Orange Caramel’s Raina, but actually doesn’t.  However she looks so unlike Raina that I can’t even remember her name or tell you which one she is in the group photo of Pristin above.

Momo (Twice)

Momo was the first person who I actually noticed in Twice, and she was probably also chiefly responsible for me writing off Twice as a group with no attractive women in them for the first few years of their existence.  She looks like those girls in school who always smiled at the attractive guys in class but wouldn’t talk to me because I had long hair and listened to Slayer and probably worshipped satan.

They would talk to me sometimes, however, but not with anything pleasant in mind.  One example, and a fairly typical interaction: one of the school Momos came up to me randomly and asked me if I’d like to participate in the “faggot test”.  As a consistent school bullying victim I knew exactly where this was going and that I’d get humiliated and called a faggot somehow, but because it was a girl actually talking to me in high school of her own free will and this was generally a rare event, I decided I’d play along anyway.  She then asked me to do three things: cross my legs, mime striking a match, and something else which I don’t remember.

The third thing that I can’t remember I actually did the “hetero” way, but the striking of the match (with a wrist flick) and the crossing of legs (at the knee) I did the “gay” way, so then she said “hahaha, you’re a faggot!” and walked off.  It was a pretty sweet deal actually, I still got to talk to a girl for all of twenty seconds, and I didn’t get assaulted by her boyfriends again until at least the next week, so those were definitely positives.  Multiple experiences like this still probably biased me against the Momos of the world, however.

Chaeyeon (DIA)

Picture this.  You’re a janitor working at TV studio Mnet, and your job is to keep the building neat, tidy and clean.  The hours are shitty and the pay is dreadful – there’s a lot of late night work and TV studios don’t pay their workers very well at all, even for the graveyard shifts.  It’s especially hard work after TV appearances are filmed, and you spend quite a lot of your time sweeping up the incredible amounts of mess and polishing floors backstage after sound stages.

So when a representative from MBK Entertainment asks you to do her a favour, and indicated that she will renumerate you for it quite handsomely, you’re only too happy to co-operate with her and collect the reward.  She asks you to save any strands of hair from high-profile performers and meet her on a weekly basis to hand over what you collect.  This is easy to do, because sound stages are quite hard on the girls’ hair, they are forever getting it caught around their earpieces and microphone cords and are constantly having to have little tufts and knots ripped out and cut away by their stylists.  Each week you’re easily able to hand over quite a collection, and you’re compensated for this with a tidy sum when the MBK girl makes her weekly visit, several times more than your weekly wage from Mnet.  You don’t ask any questions, because why would you?

This continues for a few months.  Then one week instead of the girl from MBK, you’re confronted by two detectives, who seem to be looking for her.  They ask you about the MBK girl and what she was doing, so you tell them the whole story.  They ask you which girls’ hair you gave to the MBK girl on her last visit.  You answer: the last batch of hair scraps was about 40% Suzy, 20% Irene, 30% Yoona and 10% Krystal.  They both look at each other and nod.  They then both thank you for your time, and leave you with a card containing a phone number should you happen to find out anything about the MBK girl’s whereabouts.

The next day you look up the news, eager to find out more about why you were visited.  An article explains that a scientist working for MBK was trying to create the perfect k-pop idol by splicing genes of well-known k-pop stars with discarded genetic material.  Apparently she had made great progress into growing a human from an infant to an adult straight from a petri-dish in only a few days, but then got embroiled in a legal dispute with her bosses at MBK over intellectual property, and whether the result was “her child” or “MBK’s product”.

The MBK employee then went missing, but her last act before doing so was to release the newly-formed human dubbed “Chaeyeon” from the cloning vat to vandalise MBK premises.  Not yet able to think for herself or form a coherent sentence outside of fan-friendly catchphrases, but blessed by her rare combination of genetic attributes with the power to shoot rays of pure concentrated boredom straight from her pupils, Chaeyeon caused several MBK staff members to commit suicide after unwittingly looking at her face for over ten seconds at a time.  Chaeyeon also fried several million dollars worth of computer and TV equipment at Mnet simply by staring at it, upon which the computers themselves questioned why they were even bothering to do calculations and simply shut down, refusing to be turned back on.  You search for the card the detectives gave you – although what you did technically wasn’t illegal, turning yourself in to face whatever legal consequences could possibly await you still seems like the most moral course of action.