It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Mamamoo – Egotistic
Another waste of time song from Mamamoo unfortunately, it’s that stupid “Latin” sound or whatever the fuck that any sensible person rightly despises, but on the plus side they’re looking better than ever. I think I’ll just scrap my bias list completely this year and link a bunch of Mamamoo videos instead.
Gfriend – Sunny Summer
I’m not sure why but Gfriend have now been allocated Sistar’s old job of doing yearly brassy, irritating, trashy summer songs that nobody wants to listen to, but at least we get Eunha in short shorts so her position in next year’s legs survey results should be secure. I suppose they’ve had a pretty solid run of good songs already so they were overdue for some fucking crap like this.
HeyGirls – Nog-Yeojwo
Oh and these nugus are doing the crappy Sistar-style summer comeback thing too, just a budget-ass version.
Hyolyn – See Sea
In the meantime Hyolyn is slumming it a bit with this 80s retro song with crappy tropical icing. It’s weird how some people are actually turned on by this bronze crustacean woman, but I guess it takes all types.
Chungha – Love U
Tropical shithouse doesn’t have be shit. All it really takes to save one of these songs is someone who knows how to write melody and harmony. This song gets over the line because despite the trendy bullshit sound the songwriters seem to actually know what a chord change is.
Saturday – Mmook Jji Bba
Absolutely rocking nugu goodness in a Crayon Punk kind of way. If Momoland came out with this instead of “BAAM” it would have been huge and just different enough to “Bboom Bboom” to get them over the line as “not a one-hit wonder group” but oh well.
Holland – I’m So Afraid
Starts off awful but then becomes unexpectedly brilliant. This isn’t even slightly gay.
Triple H – Retro Future
Great sounds (seriously, put that beat on a big stereo) but not much of an actual song to go with it. These two boys should let their aunt Hyuna play them some old 4minute.
Seventeen – Oh My!
Well it’s no worse than any BTS song. I’ve got to hand it to Seventeen for being so consistently average yet making so much bank.
Seungri – 1, 2, 3
The song so obviously telegraphs a perfect 5th in the chorus, and then it throws out a tritone instead, like a semen-covered towel. What are we trying to do here, turn BigBang fans into Black Sabbath groupies.
Ashley – Here We Are
Imagine the good songs we could have had if Ashley decided to get her shit together and do some solo comebacks before the tropical shithouse trend hit. Unfortunately it’s 2018 so we have to put up with this crap instead.
Unni ft. Kim Kang Jin – Cotton Candy
Nugu as fuck on all levels, but it’s pleasant enough. It’s good when the people responsible for these songs don’t even have the budget to follow trends properly so you get something like this instead. By about 2025 the producer of this will have finally downloaded 2016’s tropical shithouse keyboard patches, but until then there’s a chance he’ll keep making decent music, ha!
GlowingDog ft. Xulianx – At Night
Smooth bullshit nobody wants to listen to.
Park Il Song – Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be will be, and this will be in the bonus songs because it’s boring.
Lee Seung Hwan ft. Stella Jang – For Your Ears Only
Probably the best thing Stella Jang has been in because at least it has a beat, if not much else.
Woodz – Different
Choiza & Microdot – Hit
They’re about as good at writing songs as they are at fishing.
Serenity – Cypher
Kasper might be a let-down of an interviewee but at least she did alright with the rap beats here.
Sophiys ft. Dawn – Let’s Get Lost
Great idea! You go first.
Slou.D – A Song About Me
What is this porn pretending to be a music video. Go away.
Tenny – 159cm
And again. This one did actually give me a boner though, so it can stay.
NaShow – Heavy Rain
Deep-autotuned poop almost gets over the line due to a reasonable beat, but it’s not enough.
Hash – Shadow
Slow boring rock music, as dull as any western version thereof.
Jeon Minju & Yuna Kim ft. Hyunkyu – Good bye Rain
It’s the old Eminem/Rihanna template making an unwelcome return. Boo hiss, get off the stage.
Tia – No More
Yes this is Tia from ChoColat. No, I don’t like the song much. Oh well.
Musky – Secret Of My Heart
Thanks to the caonima who tipped me off about this great song and also the butthurt Russian fangirls. Sorry that I couldn’t find any audio of it for the radio show.
Seventeen – Call Call Call!
Seventeen’s Japanese song is all style no substance, but then that’s better than no style no substance I suppose.
Elris – I Want To Take Care Of You
Insipid fanboy-pandering trash, Elris’s agency are happy to insult their fans just as much as anyone else in k-pop, isn’t that swell.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Blackpink and Woo Do Hwan sell their souls for Sprite
You’ve probably already seen this video (and you can see more like this here) but really, how skinny are these girls. It’s a bit freaky how all the Blackpink members do actually look like living Barbie dolls thanks to their ant-waists and broad bony shoulders, especially Lisa who even has the Barbie grin completely sewn up. You can tell a completely leery perverted piece of shit handpicked the girls for this group. I’m not attracted to this look at all but there’s certainly something amazing about it anyway, plus there’s definitely an endorsement deal here waiting to happen, get onto it Mattel before the makers of Bratz dolls beat you to it.
That’s all for this week’s roundup – more next week!