It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Twice – Dance The Night Away

Okay so it’s pretty much just “99 Luftballons” by more attractive people and without the stupid slow section and there’s nothing wrong with that.  Also it’s a song with a beach video but without that faggot tropical shithouse sound, so mad points there too.  This is what Girls’ Generation were going for with “Holiday” and completely failed at.

MyTeen – She Bad

The usual boy-group-in-2018 template is adhered to.  No surprises here.  You could probably hum this one to yourself before you’ve even heard it.  Why not try it now, then press play on the video and see how close you got.

Gugudan Semina – Semina

Don’t you hate it when the music for the video intro to the song is far better than anything in the actual song.

Seenroot – Paradise

Just like Bolbbalgan4 and Sugardonut before them, a group that has always been shit suddenly decides to stop sucking and release something really cool, and I’m grateful.

NO:EL ft. Giriboy, Han Yo Han – Parrot

Do these people know how stupid they look, do you think?

Ahn Ye Eun – You

The song isn’t terrible but don’t you just want to get up to one of the higher stories of that building, throw a paper plane and try to hit her in the face.

Geupsik-Dan – Geupsik

It’s cool to see more co-ed groups I suppose.

The Boyz – KeePer

The “top-billed guest producer curse” strikes again – if the producer is mentioned in the YouTube title, the song is shit.  No exceptions in k-pop so far, although this is about as non-shit as such songs have ever gotten.

Varsity – Flower

Their company are dragging their feet getting the music video out for this, but here it is anyway because I couldn’t be fucked waiting for some fairly unspectacular song that I’ll probably forget all about by next week if I don’t mention it now.  I’m sure it’ll come out two seconds after roundup is posted, as these things usually do.

Davichi – Nostalgia

Minkyung did very poorly in the 2018 objectification surveys due to Davichi’s lack of activity, usually she’s in the mix somewhere but she got almost no votes at all.  She needs some upbeat tracks to get her in front of k-pop fappers again, not this shit.

BONUS SONGS

Suran – A Pleasant Meal

I just had a pleasant meal but now I think I’m going to regurgitate it.  Can I do it in the 1:26 that this music video takes to run?  Maybe that’s what the song title really means.

YB – ft. Suyoon – Drifting Free

I dig this guy’s sleepy vocal vibe but it’s pretty unfortunate that there’s nothing in the actual song to prevent actual sleep.  This song should come with a warning label not to play it while driving or operating heavy machinery.

Wable – Ending Song

Ugh.

LambC – Beauty

People might want to know what I think of this song, but I just want to know what happened to lambs A and B.

John OFA Rhee ft. Kim Minseok – Brightest Star

Stop jazz now, before more people are hurt.

Junik – Rain

Yeah this is crap.

Louie – Penalty

Yes there definitely should be a penalty for this.

Rocoberry – Telephone

When I get home after a long week I throw my phone in a clothes basket on Friday and don’t look at it again until I need it for Sunday livestream (as viewers found out the other day when I couldn’t find the fucking thing).  Fuck phones and fuck this song.

RANDOM BONUS VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Loona yyxy – One

No, this is not a new Loona song, just some lame Christian symbolism bollocks set to opera music, deliberately designed to be as ambiguous as possible so all the Loona fans can overanalyse it to fuck.  Looks like Blockberry are going to try to turn all those Loona illuminati conspiracy theorists into god-bothering operafags.  That should be fun to watch, whichever way it pans out.