It’s that time again – time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Red Velvet – #Cookie Jar

Much like “Rookie“, the bass guitar is the star of the show here, and if you focus hard on that and nothing else it’ll be enough to get you through the super-cringe chorus and everything else that’s wrong with this song.

Taeyeon – Something New

Prominent bass guitar is a real thing this week for SM and here it also works in the song’s favour even though it’s definitely not even as good as Red Velvet’s.

BTOB – Only One For Me

In the meantime, every other agency is still trying to work those stupid tropical noises into everything.  Keep square-pegging that round hole you fuckheads.

Jaurim – Forever And Ever

Jaurim are huge in Korea but the reason why most westerners haven’t heard of them is that they’re too conservative to punch through into the western rock landscape.  A decent string arrangement does help out here by pushing the song slightly into MBK ballad territory but it really isn’t enough.  Like, throw a television off a hotel balcony or something, or at least do some cocaine.

A.C.E – Take Me Higher

The busy bass guitar (what is it this week, seriously) is nifty but the complete lack of gabber techno makes me sad.  What a missed opportunity to become the gabber techno k-pop concept group just like Dreamcatcher are the metal k-pop concept group.

Kim Dong Han – Sunset

Not the best actual song ever but some really cool instrumental choices make it much better than it would otherwise have been.

1sagain & Nunn – Fade Away

I’m not sure about the wisdom of that static 90s hip-hop drum loop but I guess it could have been much, much worse.

Junoflo – La Familia

A nice moody backing track but pity the rap is so cringe that it’s almost impossible to get past.  But then, I suppose when isn’t rap just a bunch of dickheads talking shit.  (No examples to the contrary please, all those “woke” rappers are twice as cringe and can go suck a fuck, seriously.)

015B & Youra – My Hair Is Green

Cool surf guitar riffs with lots of tremolo allow me to swallow the annoying vocalising and general lack of a song.

Minseo – Is Who

A swing-jazz influenced song that actually kicks some serious ass.  The only thing stopping me from liking it even more is that the solos are on violin and not guitar, but it’s still pretty fucking neat.

Park Kyung ft. Sumin – Instant

The video makes me feel like I’m in The Stanley Parable and I was going to load it up and compare them but I’m trying to get the “do not play The Stanley Parable for 5 years” achievement and I’m only about 18 months away.

BONUS SONGS

Jaurim – XOXO

Jaurim’s other song is actually their last one on their new album and there’s probably a good reason for that.

Day6 – Stop The Rain

JYP must have heard my complaints because Day6 are sounding a lot less like Coldplay these days.

Skull & HaHa – Laugh

Don’t you hate it when characters who walk in cartoons or computer games don’t have their feet animations synchronised properly with the scrolling of the background and it looks like they’re skating.  This video gives me serious OCD and is just generally disturbing.

UNB – Feeling

At first I thought they recycled the tree from EXO’s “Wolf“, but then I realised that there wasn’t actually a tree in that song’s video but it was just those EXO boys pretending to be a tree.

Neo Yim – Contour

This song is not only horrible but their maths really needs work.

The East Light – Never Thought I’d Fall In Love

This song really need a raw punk-style production to shine, the dance music delivery just doesn’t suit it at all.  But then, that goes for just about everything this group has ever done.

Crush – Fall

Wow how boring.  Apparently this guy won an award for some shit recently, can’t remember what it was for, but maybe it was “highest amount of consecutive negative reviews in Kpopalypse roundup”.

Crush ft. Zico – Oasis

He’s not any better when he’s hanging out with k-pop’s #1 tough cookie faggot bitch.

Red House – Endless Night

A painful chorus really helps this song to suck amazingly.

Nano ft. Yezi – Maladjustment

Yezi is a welcome addition that doesn’t change the fact that music like this is what’s wrong with the world.

OTHANKQ – Let You Go

Looks cool until you realise that they’re probably all dancing to a completely different song.

Yankie, Jaein & Gaeko – Glow

This guy has smoked so many damn cigarettes that I can still hear his voice giving way through the Autotune.

Git’n – All Right

I’m not sure what a git’n is but this song can git’n the fuck outta here.

Lena Park – One Umbrella

I like it that old people like me are still in k-pop but I’d like it a lot more if their songs didn’t suck.

Billy – Give Me This

It’s important to take time out for romance when you’re busy learning to punch people in the fuckin’ head.

Arkay ft. Le.Ju’ce – Because Of You

Terrible funk music that should be stopped for the good of humanity.

Shannon Williams – Hatred Farewell

Shannon is such a great singer that she just sings the first minute of this one all by herself without any reference pitch and forgets about the music completely.  Unfortunately, so did the songwriter.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Video gaming in k-pop MVs

None of these guys and girls have the good taste of Monsta X’s Wonho, but please enjoy this selection anyway from avid YouTuber and caonima isaymyeolchigr!

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That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse will return!