It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s take a look at some new releases!

Blackpink – Ddu-du Ddu-du

YG’s 2NE1 2.0 just released their “The Baddest Female” where the song basically sucks dick for two whole verses and choruses before marginally improving a bit, but once I got over the initial trap-reflux Blackpink surprised me massively by having the much better version.  CL just had a bunch of shitty fucking chimpanzee cage noises and no melody to break up the cringe rapping, whereas Blackpink’s equally cringe rapping and general YG-style tedious juvenile waffling egocentric ra-ra bullshit is paired with sexy sawtooth-wave bass straight from a Jaycar DIY kit and a synth hook so catchy that I guarantee it will be lodged in your head even after hearing the song only once.  Let’s not get too heavy on the praise though – Teddy did have about 11 months longer to write this song than most songwriters usually get.

SHINee – I Want You

SHINee sure took their time to jump on the tropical shithouse trend.  Maybe Jonghyun was the sole voice of sanity in the group and the one point of resistance and now with him gone it’s carte blanche to suck just as much as everyone else.

Longguo ft. Yoonmirae – Clover

Just a heads up that a four-leaf clover is actually a mutation and that’s why they’re so rare, so if you find one it’s probably not lucky, you’re probably going to get infected with radioactive terminal ass cancer or something.

Like A Movie – Twilight

This is like a movie alright, pity that movie actually is Twilight.

UZA – Blossom Kiss

The new UZA isn’t bad but it’s bit less dark and moody than I would have hoped, I prefer UZA when she’s being all borderline goth.

UZA – Grenade

And her other song is just strange.  Good strange, though, like early Cocteau Twins but done completely with electronic instruments invented in the last 5 years and by someone who doesn’t snort their own body weight in heroin once per week.

Busters – Grapes

Some good elements don’t quite get to shine because the arrangement is just a little too crowded with vocals.

Ovan ft. Vinxen – Miss Fortune

Just like the character, she MRS but you wouldn’t take her into lane without some fucking help.

Changmo – Holy God

Autotuned vocalising in slow rap tracks is never welcome but some excellent backings completely allow Changmo to get away with it.

BTOB – The Feeling

It’s a bit like SoReal’s “My Heart Says” but not as good.  It’s a hard formula to get right.  Still their best song in a while, unsure why there’s no video for it, if nugu-ass SoReal can afford it, BTOB can.

Kris Wu – Tian Di

He removed that stupid face tattoo, thank fuck for that.

Simon Dominic – Roommates Only

Overwatch needs a cutscene where D.VA listens to the new Simon Dominic album, realises that he’s high as tits, and turns up to his house with her big pink mech thing to bust him for weed.  Wouldn’t you just be tripping balls at that moment if you were him, it would totally make your high even better.

BONUS SONGS

Twice – I Want You Back

The Jackson Five’s “I Want You Back” was a stupid song that had only two things going for it – a fast pace, and some cool kinda rough-sounding production.  Twice’s version removes both of these redeeming features but leaves all the other shitty stuff intact so it’s basically useless.  I can see why they picked it though, the Jackson Five were a group of kids who were thrashed to within an inch of their lives by their management even more than Twice were in their trainee days, so it probably helps the Twice girls emotionally connect with the song if they can relate to the performers.

Ramda – Stay Beautiful

Some sort of Korean lounge version of those shit English early 90s guitar bands where everyone had bowl cuts and played Rickenbackers.

Jay Park ft. 2Chainz – Soju

I already told you that this was shit a few roundups ago, this is just a heads-up that it now has a music video and it’s just as stupid as you anticipated it was going to be.

Kim Dong In – The Place, You Were

This is just that “Spanish Romance” song that every classical acoustic guitar player learns in lesson 1 with a few jazz chords added.

DaEon – Get Out Of My Life

Okay then.

Loco & Hwasa – Don’t

Hwasa has her arm in front of her boobs for pretty much the whole video and it’s making me sad.

Primary & Ohhyuk – Bawling

I was certainly bawling when I heard that muted trumpet and realised that this would be another slow boring R&B infused bucket of shit from Primary as usual.

CST – Be You

Starts great but it’s all ruined at 0:34 and the song never finds a way back to quality from that point.

Jeon Woo Sung – Serenade

Dude she’s annoying as fuck to ME and I only had to put up with her for 3 minutes in your crappy video.  Stop looking so fucking morose and cheer up that she’s out of your life.

BaeCyo ft. UByul – Better

Nobody wants this many face close-ups in a k-pop video.  It’s not a bukkake porn for crying out loud.

Bae In Hyuk – Do Not Disturb

Look at this guy’s earrings.  Just look at them, and ponder life.  That is all.

Alice Vicious – Be My Clyde

Why do Koreans constantly write crappy songs about Bonnie and Clyde.  Clyde was just some dude who killed a bunch of people because he was assraped in prison a whole lot and his butt was still sore, and Bonnie didn’t even smoke cigars except for as a joke in one damn photo, and if you’re a 1930s gangster and don’t smoke cigars you’re fucking cancelled.

Alice Vicious ft. Hiyadam – Feel Better

Her other song sucks too but there is furry crotch-grabbing action in the video if you’re into that.

Jackie & Yi – Munch Drunk Purpp

Don’t tell that girl that those things have a program feature so you don’t have to keep hitting them over and over and can just sit back and chill and laugh at your singer’s dress sense.

April – Yes Sir

Seeing that Busters were moving in on their turf this week, April return to prove they’re the queens of dog-whistle creep-fan bus-seat-masturbator pandering and they’re not going to get usurped by any Johnny-come-latelys thank you very much.

WooIn – Alone

I like it when the shitty coffee shop songs feature actual coffee.  Integrity is important.

Kang Gogh – Stay

What is this boring washed-out bullshit.

Jia – Free

Did you know Jia is making crappy generic music in China these days?  Well now you do!  Not that k-pop generally isn’t crappy and generic anyway, but her new shit makes JYP’s half-hearted attempts at being “different” with miss A sound like Celtic Frost’s experimental phase where they went doom and classical and industrial and new wave all on the one album just because.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

IU – 52 Interview

These interviews where someone pretends to candidly crash in on a celeb and ask them a bunch of random shit are so cringey, they’re so meticulously choreographed right down to the “spontaneous” walking around and facial expressions.  Just another example of k-pop media treating you like a stupid cunt who is fooled by anything.  Doesn’t IU look great faking it though, as she always does.  Imagine being in a relationship with IU.  Wouldn’t that be a fuck-around and a half, and not in a good way, living with someone so skilled at being whatever the camera wants her to be.  “What’s wrong?”  “Oh, nothing.”  You’d be as confused as a Redditor watching the “23” video while IU played you like chess every day of your fucking life, you might as well tie your dick in a knot and play jump-rope.  That song at 2:46 by the way is “Springirls” by Sungwoo Jung-A.  I remember some article on Seoulbeats about that song when it came out, talking about how the video was sexy but it “was okay” because it’s showing the “female gaze” instead of the “male gaze” which is supposedly a good thing according to them because men aren’t allowed to look at women anymore or whatever but it’s such total bullshit anyway because I jacked off to all those girls (except Dara) no problem.  People just make shit up to sound clever, I swear.

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That’s it for this week’s roundup!  Kpopalypse will return!