Kpopalypse’s guide to the best erotic computer games if you’re Monsta X’s Wonho

It’s hard times being a k-pop idol with no fap material.  Kpopalypse is here to help!

Spare a thought for the plight of Monsta X’s Wonho, who was recently caught by fans with a big-titty anime girl on his phone’s lock screen.

Apparently this is the girl of Wonho’s wet dreams:

She’s from a game called “Destiny Child”, which you can see the PC version of here:

Obviously Wonho enjoying this kind of content caused some upset with Monsta X’s fanbase, who complained about “objectification” or some nonsense but we know that’s just a bullshit excuse because Monsta X fans are no lightweights when it comes to objectification of their own.  Wonho fans are highly skilled in the objectification arts, as they have often proven, so much so that Wonho is even the 2017 winner of the prestigious “best abs” category in Kpopalypse’s objectification poll.  What these Wonho fans were obviously really bitter about was that Wonho’s heart was stolen by an anime porn game character and their dreams of touching those rock-hard torso muscles were dashed on rocks bigger than the boobs Wonho likes to dream about.

Of course these upset fans are missing an important detail.  Wonho probably doesn’t want to spend his entire life fapping to anime porn, but what other options does he actually have on the table at this point?  Monsta X are still in their “churn out endless comebacks to try and build a fanbase” phase of their career, where sex of any kind is surely forbidden lest fangirls find out, and they probably live in the same dorms as Cosmic Girls, who they’re no doubt barely allowed to spend unsupervised time in the same room with.  Imagine how pent up these young men must be, they not only can’t fuck, but they probably also get very little fap privacy, and just to add insult to injury they have to watch Cheng Xiao just across the hallway and be constantly told by their management that they must “never go there”.  Fangirls should be happy that Wonho has found comfort in big-boobed anime porn, it’s probably the only thing keeping him sane.

Rest assured that whenever Korean pop idols are in peril, Kpopalypse is there to lend a helping hand.  Therefore I have compiled this list of what I consider to be the anime porn games most likely to meet required standards according to Wonho.  Hopefully he can read this list and it will help distract himself from his sexless actual life for a little while longer, and it may give him and his peers in Monsta X the mental strength to evade scandals involving real-life women.  The following games all have very big-titted anime girls in them and a large amount of “content” that should keep Wonho entertained for hours, all while fitting into the average k-pop star’s budget (i.e not fucking much).  Note that the retail versions of these games are censored, and you’ll need to download separate patches that remove some/all of the censorship if you wish to experience the games as originally intended.

ROLE PLAYING GAMES

Material Girl

Price: $1.99

Steam store link

Uncensored patch

Material Girl follows the adventures of a schoolgirl named Sakura, who is as diligent and hard-working as she is busty, but who due to unfortunate personal circumstances struggles to find enough money to pay for tuition fees and rent.  Naturally finding money isn’t easy, but Sakura soon finds herself being offered an income for all types of different tasks, such as working in a bakery, working in a convenience store, and even helping a VR computer game programmer develop a zombie survival horror game.  Gosh, who knew that being a schoolgirl was so interesting?

Watch out for that public toilet Sakura, Yoochun could be nearby

There’s lots of fun to be had, lots of great outfits for Sakura to wear (the baker’s outfit definitely meets required standards) and the classy-sexiness is off the charts as Sakura repeatedly gets into situations that would make Gain envious.  It’s not a game if you’re into exploration of geographic locations as there’s only a few on offer here (the school and surrounds, Sakura’s home district and “Happy Street” where Sakura indeed brings much happiness) but there’s certainly lots of exploring of Sakura herself.  Fans wanting an extra challenge and some replayability can try for a “pure” run and avoid any unnecessary contact, which ups the game’s difficulty level considerably but also misses the point somewhat.

Dark Elf

Price: $3.99

Steam store link

Uncensored patch

If you prefer a more traditional fantasy setting for your RPG action, but don’t wish to compromise on busty content or classy-sexiness, then Dark Elf has what you need.  At the start of the game your character, Fraylia, a “Dark Elf” of Hitomi Tanaka-esque proportions, saves a boy called Ruse and they commence living together.  She also starts doing some quests for the town for some reason which I can’t quite remember but which is probably related in some way.  Or maybe it isn’t.

Fraylia finds herself often beset by more body-image peer pressure than your bias

Dark Elf follows the “lose ’em up” format that seems common with this type of RPG – winning the fights leads to a very tidy, short and unspectacular game, but losing key battles opens up many new plot paths and this is where the “meat” of the gameplay lies.  Losing fights rarely results in death, rather you’re more likely to have your adversary go all Yoochun on your ass, so it’s always worth losing a fight first, then replaying it and winning it the second time around if necessary.  Some very clunky translations get in the way of the enjoyment slightly, but even with the Google-Translate tier text on offer you’ll still have enough of a general idea of what’s going on for the game to perform its primary function, and there’s scarcely a fetish here which isn’t covered.

Melty’s Quest

Price: $19.99

Steam store link

Uncensored patch

For the Rolls Royce of classy-sexy “lose ’em ups”, Melty’s Quest comes complete with a no-nonsense “give up” button and much better translations, but unfortunately at $19.99 might be beyond the affordability of the more nugu Korean idols.  However there’s certainly lots of value to be had here with tons of erotic scenes and some great, knowingly sly and humorous writing.

Melty’s Quest is the Stellar of RPGs and does not fuck around even 1% when it comes to fanservice

Melty’s Quest also comes with Meltys, easily the most well-written female protagonist in any eroge RPG game.  The game actually goes quite in-depth about Japanese culture and the ideology of “Kogal” but by the time you unlock the gloryhole church scenes you will have probably forgotten about this.  Also there are lots of boobs, as Melty’s is one sibling in a large and very well-endowed family (by which I mean their “inheritance” of course), all the members of which make frequent appearances, so Wonho is exceptionally well catered for here.

Sakura Dungeon

Price: $19.99

Steam store link

Uncensored patch

Top-down style RPG games aren’t for everyone, and you may be craving a bit of first-person action.  Enter Sakura Dungeon, which has the style of a 1980s 3D dungeon-crawler, with surprisingly deep and tactical gameplay to match.

Just another day in the SM Entertainment boardroom

The company behind this game are mainly known for their visual novels and Sakura Dungeon often adopts this style, but only as a way to augment the dungeon-crawling format.  You’ll feel bad the first time you kill a “bunny” but then you’ll realise that you didn’t kill her but just made her boobs fall out of her dress a bit and suddenly you realise you’re playing the most kind-hearted action game ever.  Imagine if all the world’s problems could be solved with boob exposure so easily.  If so, Sakura Dungeon with its constant parade of Wonho-tier anime breasts deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.  #BoobsNotBombs

CASUAL GAMES

HuniePop

Price: $9.99

Steam store link

Uncensored patch

If you’d prefer your gameplay slightly less sophisticated, how about some simple colour-matching fun?  HuniePop combines Bejewelled/Candy Crush style match-3 gameplay interspersed with question and answer sections where you date several girls at once.  Each girl has her own preferences which must be remembered to progress – forgetting their birthday or giving them the wrong gift is a sure-fire way to piss them off, however none of them seem to mind at all that you’re openly banging all of their friends at once.

I think Audrey has just found out about that bit in my blog where I shat on her k-pop faves

Like many casual eroge games, HuniePop is careful to never specify the player’s gender in the text, and thus allows the player to play as either a heterosexual male or a lesbian, allowing the creators to dodge charges from boring politically-correct gaming websites of catering only to the evil patriarchy.   Unfortunately this accrual of PC points comes at the cost of explicit action and even when uncensored this game is still pretty softcore.  However the match-3 aspect of the game is surprisingly tactically solid for the genre, it’s just a shame for Wonho that the girl with the most entertaining personality and the best dress sense also has the smallest boobs.

Crush Crush

Price: free ($7.00 to uncensor on Steam or play free on Nutaku.net)

Steam store link

Uncensored patch

Crush Crush is a “clicker game”, the type which often have featured on the “no reason” sidebar girls on this site.  An exercise in sheer pointlessness, clicker games involve you clicking boxes to make bars move across the screen, and then clicking other things to make those bars move more, so you can progress to new bars that move even slower than the previous bars, sort of like the grind of Diablo or World Of Warcraft but with the actual game itself removed and only the stats and numbers left.  However what better way to improve pointlessness than to add some points?

Pamu from Crush Crush is clearly a Red Velvet fan

Once again PC gender neutrality is in effect, so the game as a result is a bit lacking in fanservice.  My advice to Wonho here is that it’s only worth playing through the first five girls, after which the remaining girls don’t really meet required standards of bustiness.  Fortunately, these games sort of reward you for not playing them by clocking up a bunch of progress while you’re AFK, so it should at least be convenient enough while on tour to not spend a lot of time on this one.

Mirror

Price: $1.99

Steam store link

Uncensored patch

Back to colour matching, Mirror proves that you don’t have to be all coy and shit, with plenty of fetish-friendly BDSM action quite easily unlocked in this brief and not-very-challenging match-3 game.  The gems pretty much match themselves in endless cascades most of the time, conveniently leaving your hands free.

Hey look it’s that hate-filled loser from Reddit/kpop reincarnated as a tit-elf thing

Mirror has a bare minimum of gameplay, but it definitely has a maximum of tits, which should please Wonho’s urge for a new lock screen as well as any of you who came here for the boobs posts and stayed in the probably-optimistic hope that I wasn’t just trolling with the boobs posts.  Just like this site, there’s not a lot of content here but it’s cheap and meets required standards.

Delicious! Pretty Girls Mahjong Solitaire

Price: $0.99

Steam store link

Uncensored patch

Okay, so what about something a little bit more brain-teasing (and not in the fap sense).  Wait, you don’t know how to play Mahjong solitaire?  Don’t worry, this game will give you the determination to learn!

Look how pure and innocent she looks, how dare you even think sexual thoughts or suggest that someone else might, what are you some kind of creep and that key is symbolic of nothing whatsoever, shut up you sleaze

The nudity isn’t anything that special and the girls actually do look far better with their clothes on.  However just like with any good k-pop comeback it’s the tease rather than the please which holds all the power, and soon you’ll be a goddamn tactical expert at playing this shit one-handed even if you’ve never Mahjonged before in your life.  There are also some outstanding Wonho-grade boobs on offer, so for a dollar it’s hard to go wrong here, even if as a k-pop idol one dollar is like 8% of your entire career income.

VISUAL NOVELS

Doki Doki Literature Club

Price: free (but you can pay if you like here)

Steam store link

I don’t really like visual novels, but I like this.  Impossible to discuss at all without ruining large chunks of it, make sure that if you haven’t played this that you go in completely blind, read no reviews or comments.  There isn’t much in the way of boob here but you owe it to yourself to play this game if you’re a Monsta X fan just to see what you’re up against.

How did she know my name…

Oh and just pray that Wonho doesn’t ever play this, or you may never see him again.


That’s all for this post, hopefully whether you are Wonho or not you found it educational, and if you’re one of the people who keeps complaining about this site’s focus on boobs, hopefully this post completely annoyed you and made you feel like the human garbage you are!  Yay!  Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon!

7 thoughts on “Kpopalypse’s guide to the best erotic computer games if you’re Monsta X’s Wonho

  1. Hang in there, Stray Kids! I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to watch Sana, Tzuyu, Mina, and Nayeon just across the hallway and be constantly told by JYP that you must “never go there”.

  2. This article would have all the necessary information for appropriate advising if you had also commented on the music. The music of Destiny Child is super fun, Wonho’s choice is not about the big titties, it’s about the quality of the music that plays with this specific character who, for no apparent reason, happens to have the biggest boobs of the game. You anti.

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