We’ve all been there. One day, seemingly out of the blue, your favourite idol runs over a toddler with a jet ski, says candidly on a variety show that French people all smell funny, gets classy-sexy with someone they shouldn’t have, or fails to get along perfectly with one of their groupmates. Suddenly your perfect k-pop world is turned upside-down – how could your favourite idol of angelic virtue and physical and mental flawlessness be capable of such a dastardly thing? Should you quit following your idol completely? How can your life go on?
But wait. What if there was a way you could tell exactly how many fucks you should really give about the latest scandal endangering your relationship with your favourite idol? Never fear, because Kpopalypse has devised just such a method using the power of k-pop’s queens of problematicism, Mamamoo! Read on for the answer!
Here is a formula for how to determine, beyond any dispute, how many fucks you should give about the latest k-pop scandal. It uses special Mamamoo-derived mathematics to bring you a super-accurate result, because Mamamoo get into lots of scandals so who better to base our formula on. Pay careful attention and don’t skip any steps! Note – you may need a calculator for this.
Step 1. Observe the following picture of Mamamoo at Seoul Fashion Week.
Allocate yourself a number according to who you think is dressed the best for this important and culturally relevant event.
If Moonbyul is dressed the best, your number is 1
If you think Solar wore it better, your number is 2
If Wheein looks superior, your number is 3
If Hwasa has the best looks, your number is 4
If they are all equally attractive to you, your number is 5
If you don’t like any of them, your number is 6
If you already don’t give a fuck about this post, your number is 7
If you’re very smart and can already see where I’m going with this post, your number is 8
If you don’t even know who the fuck is who in the above photo, your number is 9
If you’re some joyless, self-righteous cunthole who hates Kpopalypse and is just here to skim-read this post so you can then go and complain about it in your favourite self-affirming k-pop echo-chamber of choice, inadvertently directing even more traffic and notoriety to Kpopalypse blog, your number is 10
Got your number? Good, don’t forget it!
Step 2. Observe the following picture.
Who is more fappable? If Hwasa on the left is floating your boat, then double your number. However if you’d be more likely to jack it to Moonbyul on the right, halve your number. If you have no preference, you can keep your number unchanged. Remember your new number!
Step 3. Observe the following picture.
Who looks hotter in these pictures? If you would prefer to wipe your filthy genital juices all over Solar’s maid uniform (left), triple your number. However if you would prefer Wheein in waitress cosplay (right) as your personal cumrag, then divide your number by three. If you don’t have a preference for whatever reason, or if you’re horribly offended by this question because you’re a prude with no sense of humour who never thinks anything dirty ever (which makes me wonder what you’re doing reading this), then you can keep your number as-is.
You now have a special new number. This number is now called the Mamamoo Number Of Trufax. Write it down, you’ll need it. (Oh and if it’s a recurring number you might want to round it off to a couple decimal places, just to keep the maths simple. We’re k-pop fans, not hard-math scientists, amirite.)
Now apply the following steps:
Step 4. Mamamoo have so far been active for three years, so add three to the number.
Step 5. Mamamoo did a pictorial for a magazine called 10 star, so multiply your new number by ten.
Step 6. You now probably have an even bigger number. Multiply this new number by the original Mamamoo Number Of Trufax that you had after step 3, to add extra trufaxual power to this formula.
Step 7. Subtract ten from the number you now have, because Mamamoo are all 10/10 for looks and you are never going to bang any of them.
Step 8. Divide the result by ten just to rub it in.
Step 9. Add one to the result, to signify that Kpopalypse is Mamamoo’s number one fan.
Step 10. Divide the result by your original Mamamoo Number Of Trufax.
Step 11. Subtract 3 from the result, because despite being completely hot and lots of problematic fun, it’s been three years since Mamamoo have been given a decent song.
Step 12. Subtract your original Mamamoo Number Of Trufax from the result.
You’re done! The number that you get at the end of this equation shows exactly how many fucks you should give about any k-pop scandal! Hopefully this post has been a great help to you – Kpopalypse shall return with more posts soon!