It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Wanna One – Boomerang
This sounds like all those crap CL songs that always have the bit with the Phrygian w/raised 3rd riffs sitting on top of pentatonic singing that just doesn’t mesh.
Shinhwa – All Your Dreams
If the people who made k-pop in the 1990s actually knew what the fuck they were doing back then (production wise), they might have got results like this. And yes I’m aware that Shinhwa is an old group but that’s not strictly relevant to this comment because the new stuff from S.E.S is dogshit just like their old stuff, whereas this song is easily the best thing Shinhwa has ever done in their 20-year existence.
Super Junior – Super Duper
Raucous ear-bashing fun, this is probably the best song they’ve had as a full group since “Sorry Sorry”. Pity they only have about three fans now.
Davink – It Is You
What’s a “Davink”, is that like a skinny young gay man with no body hair who binge-listens to Davichi?
Ben – Love Recipe
For the ten seconds that Ben is in this video she has the most precise fringe ever. She gets points for this.
U-Kiss – No Regret
Sorry about the short MV but even though it’s 2018 Japanese record companies are still caonimas.
Hwasa – Be Calm
If you missed the Tweetstorm when butthurt Mamamoo fans came across my latest Mamamoo post, you missed some serious fun times. A really funny thing that the Mamamoo fans did when they were trying to paint me as a racist just because of my skin colour (i.e white as my jizz in their mother’s asscrack) and more importantly due to the fact that I think Mamamoo haven’t done a good song since “Piano Man“, is say “you’re racist, just admit it, let the racist within you out” – which is a really interesting comment. It shows that they actually want me to be racist because it makes it easier for them to vilify me just because I don’t like their favourite group’s latest songs. They don’t actually want to have racial harmony or have races come together and get along, that’s a bad thing for them, they’d rather have more racism in the world as long as it helps them stan Mamamoo! To keep these racist people happy, and because I care about the happiness of all my readers at all times, all new Mamamoo-related videos featured on Kpopalypse blog will be replaced with videos related to grindcore group Anal Cunt until further notice.
Aseul – Always With You
This is what happens when Julee Cruise takes a ride in Kavinsky’s Ferrari.
Sunday Moon – Eleven
Watch it just to see the scene where Elmo watches porn. You might think I’m joking but I’m not.
Honey Popcorn – Bibidi Babidi Boo
Speaking of which, the best thing about Japanese adult video star Yua Mikami’s DIY k-pop debut is undoubtedly that it exists in such a (superficially) puritanical country as South Korea, if she did this in a western country nobody would care. And it is Yua Mikami’s debut – this is essentially a solo project with her JAV pals along for the ride, the Supremes-style line distribution is no accident because Yua Mikami paid for it all. Of course she got exactly the reaction she wanted – nobody can look past the girl’s backgrounds, and so everyone now either loves or hates both them and the song because of the JAV connection (whether they’ve heard it or not). However Kpopalypse watches ten JAV blowjobs before breakfast and these girls aren’t even my type so it takes a lot more than this to blow me away. The whole thing both looks and sounds like a cheap Apink demo, wake me up when Rion starts making dance practice videos.
Jung Ilhoon ft. Jinho – Always
Pause the video at 2:11 and there’s your review.
Jeong Sewoon – No Better Than This
Meh. (Aren’t you glad you asked me to review this now?)
Choi Ye Guen – To Say Sorry
You always know you’re in for a complete shitpile when a song starts off with that descending Rhodes arpeggiated twinkle noise.
TJ Son – Close Your Eyes
I’d rather close my ears.
Hanhae ft. Gaeko – In My Dream
That usual soft rap boring shit that we all hate.
Yesang ft. Loco – Here
When the guitar came in instead of some R&B bullshit, it shocked the shit out of me. Then the trap hi-hats and voice came in and I was like “ahh, there had to be a catch didn’t there”.
Jade ft. Youngin – Just As The Way That You Are
I could take a shit between the guitar strums here.
Dongsu & Boram Lee – Oh Yeah
Who the fuck actually plays Jenga, don’t give me that “it’s a party game” crap, don’t they have Cards Against Humanity in Korea.
Hanbyul Lim – Stand By You
I wasn’t even going to put this boring shit in the roundup at all because it’s an OST song but the girl is a MILF so fuck it.
Lee Seung Chul – Painful Love
I guess this is from the same stupid OST because it’s got that same MILF in it but this is a much better song than the other one.
Illoyo – Phone Ring
Speed it up to 2x and it’s actually not bad.
Crazy Music ft. Yejoon E – We’ll Always Love
I’m pretty sure these people don’t actually know what “crazy music” means.
Crucial Star ft. Sojin – Three Things I Want To Give You
Three things I want to give Crucial Star: a haircut, a better song and a comeback with Minah instead.
Jay Kidman ft. Geeks, Crucial Star, TakeOne – Reboot
Okay that’s one down, this song isn’t too bad.
K Jun ft. Swings – Drink In The Morning
Look how happy K Jun looks. You can tell that he doesn’t get this close to women often.
Yong Jun Hyung ft. 10cm – Sudden Shower
Either 10cm have something unusually upbeat for them, or I’ve just been lulled into a coma by all the other songs this week to such an extent that they actually sound kinda rocking.
Black Syndrome – Bible Black
Look at these old cunts, they’re even older than I am, I didn’t think that was even possible. I get the feeling that they’re some kind of veteran band from the 80s or 90s who didn’t make it and are hoping beyond hope that this is going to get them over the line. That Anvil documentary sure gave a lot of people false hope.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Yua Mikami – A Massive Dream Cum Face Shot On A Nationally Beloved Idol – SNIS-825 (Teaser)
Teasers are so deceptive, aren’t they. I mean, you don’t get any impression whatsoever sometimes of what the actual product is like. It’s enough to make you complain to your local member of parliament. There has to be something in the Trade Practices Act about this.
That’s all for this week’s roundup – more next week! In the meantime, don’t forget that the latest fun Kpopalypse survey is now live, and I’d love to get participation from all you lovely readers! Click this text right here to do the survey – thank you!