It’s Kpopalypse roundup time! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
Mamamoo – Starry Night
The pretty-decent guitar riff carries this one, everything else around it is actually pretty awful, especially as the swing-time vocals cut across the rhythm in the most stupid way possible, rhythmically this is a mess and only sounds good when they stop singing. And yes I’m aware that the riff blatantly copies “Prayer In C“, but I’ll address that only if there’s a plagiarism accusation which goes boringly viral like Momoland’s did, but I’m sure that since I debunked the Momoland accusation so thoroughly, everyone has learned their lesson and this has absolutely no chance of happening ahem…
Heize ft. Gaeko – Jenga
When I wrote ages ago that Korea should shove this coffee-shop music up its ass, I didn’t mean the actual coffee itself. Mind you this song isn’t too bad mainly because it seems like someone took more than five seconds writing the chords.
Minseo – The Grand Dreams
I have dreams too, I dream of upbeat songs to return to being the main focus of k-pop, if Minseo helps me with my dream maybe I’ll return the favour and try to make her popular enough that she gets to go fly somewhere one day.
Marmello – Wake Me Up
Marmello are the hottest thing ever but they still don’t quite have the songs to kick them into high gear just yet. Too many R&B concessions take the edge off of this one.
Monogram – Space Travel
The big keyboard sounds are the real star of this song, the rest of it doesn’t quite make the journey out of Coldplay-land.
Suho & Jane Jang – Dinner
Jane Jang doesn’t sound any more interesting when she’s on SM, apparently.
Wanna One – I.P.U
The name of the song is fairly apt because having to put up with constant tropical shithouse every week does kind of feel like getting urinated on.
Ikon – Rubber Band
YG couldn’t even be fucked springing for a video for this one, it’s fairly obvious why.
Heyne – Insomnia
I always get Heyne and Heize mixed up. Five letters, both start with H and E, both have shit songs, it’s confusing man.
Jang Moonbok – Red
This is actually really good. Asian Junkie now has to forgive me for all the shit I give him each week because we no doubt agree on this and that makes everything else okay. I can say anything I want to him now and he has to accept it.
Heize – Didn’t Know Me
This is a lot worse than her other song and doesn’t have the anal 20 coffee cups out the ass action which was at least funny so there’s no point to this.
Jenny Jeon – Dear You
She’s like a cartoon character, you only ever see her in profile. Pondering this got me through the song okay.
Suzy ft. Yiruma – Midnight
Super bland beyond belief, it’s like someone saw Suzy’s face and used that for the inspiration behind what this song would actually sound like.
Sojung – Crystal Clear
I guess all the upbeat stuff goes to Loona now and the three Ladies Code members just continue to get the ballad scraps.
Suho & Jane Jang – Do You Have A Moment
No I do not.
Mamamoo – Star Wind Flower Sun
If you think the ukelele nonsense at the start is bad, just wait until the song starts. Also quit with the unsuitable blonde hair and hippy clothes, this group now looks like Hwasa and The Dishrags.
George – Swimming Pool
A bath tub and a swimming pool are actually not the same thing. Don’t believe this video’s lies.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
K-pop In Public – Momoland – Bboom Bboom
If you’re a dancer and you want a self-confidence building exercise, try dancing to your favourite k-pop songs completely by yourself, in a high-traffic public area, in a country where nobody gives a shit about k-pop and everyone around you wonders what fucking drugs you are on. This girl is nearly dying from sheer embarrassment of course but after a few hours of this I bet she felt pretty good about herself and it was a big confidence boost. Kpopalypse admires this YouTuber’s high determination levels to confuse the fuck out of everyone around her while having fun. Do it, caonimas!
That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse will return!