It’s Kpopalypse roundup time! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
I couldn’t find a definition for the word “Marmello” but I reckon in some long-forgotten dialect it means “like AOA’s band concept but actually for real”.
Mamamoo – Starry Night
The pretty-decent guitar riff carries this one, everything else around it is actually pretty awful, especially as the swing-time vocals cut across the rhythm in the most stupid way possible, rhythmically this is a mess and only sounds good when they stop singing. And yes I’m aware that the riff blatantly copies “Prayer In C“, but I’ll address that only if there’s a plagiarism accusation which goes boringly viral like Momoland’s did, but I’m sure that since I debunked the Momoland accusation so thoroughly, everyone has learned their lesson and this has absolutely no chance of happening ahem…
Heize ft. Gaeko – Jenga
When I wrote ages ago that Korea should shove this coffee-shop music up its ass, I didn’t mean the actual coffee itself. Mind you this song isn’t too bad mainly because it seems like someone took more than five seconds writing the chords.
Minseo – The Grand Dreams
I have dreams too, I dream of upbeat songs to return to being the main focus of k-pop, if Minseo helps me with my dream maybe I’ll return the favour and try to make her popular enough that she gets to go fly somewhere one day.
Marmello – Wake Me Up
Marmello are the hottest thing ever but they still don’t quite have the songs to kick them into high gear just yet. Too many R&B concessions take the edge off of this one.
Monogram – Space Travel
The big keyboard sounds are the real star of this song, the rest of it doesn’t quite make the journey out of Coldplay-land.
Suho & Jane Jang – Dinner
Jane Jang doesn’t sound any more interesting when she’s on SM, apparently.
Wanna One – I.P.U
The name of the song is fairly apt because having to put up with constant tropical shithouse every week does kind of feel like getting urinated on.
Ikon – Rubber Band
YG couldn’t even be fucked springing for a video for this one, it’s fairly obvious why.
Heyne – Insomnia
I always get Heyne and Heize mixed up. Five letters, both start with H and E, both have shit songs, it’s confusing man.
Jang Moonbok – Red
This is actually really good. Asian Junkie now has to forgive me for all the shit I give him each week because we no doubt agree on this and that makes everything else okay. I can say anything I want to him now and he has to accept it.
BONUS SONGS
Heize – Didn’t Know Me
This is a lot worse than her other song and doesn’t have the anal 20 coffee cups out the ass action which was at least funny so there’s no point to this.
Jenny Jeon – Dear You
She’s like a cartoon character, you only ever see her in profile. Pondering this got me through the song okay.
Suzy ft. Yiruma – Midnight
Super bland beyond belief, it’s like someone saw Suzy’s face and used that for the inspiration behind what this song would actually sound like.
Sojung – Crystal Clear
I guess all the upbeat stuff goes to Loona now and the three Ladies Code members just continue to get the ballad scraps.
Suho & Jane Jang – Do You Have A Moment
No I do not.
Mamamoo – Star Wind Flower Sun
If you think the ukelele nonsense at the start is bad, just wait until the song starts. Also quit with the unsuitable blonde hair and hippy clothes, this group now looks like Hwasa and The Dishrags.
George – Swimming Pool
A bath tub and a swimming pool are actually not the same thing. Don’t believe this video’s lies.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK
K-pop In Public – Momoland – Bboom Bboom
If you’re a dancer and you want a self-confidence building exercise, try dancing to your favourite k-pop songs completely by yourself, in a high-traffic public area, in a country where nobody gives a shit about k-pop and everyone around you wonders what fucking drugs you are on. This girl is nearly dying from sheer embarrassment of course but after a few hours of this I bet she felt pretty good about herself and it was a big confidence boost. Kpopalypse admires this YouTuber’s high determination levels to confuse the fuck out of everyone around her while having fun. Do it, caonimas!
That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse will return!
KPOPALYPSE 
That bit where you renamed Mamamoo to “Hwasa & The Dishrags” was fucking hilarious.
Every time kpopalypse says a new release is terrible, I add it to my guilty-pleasure playlist 😛
That’d be a big playlist then!
Well, it has only been three months into 2018, but I suppose we already have enough songs in that playlist to play non-stop until 2019…
I’m a bit mixed on “Starry Night”. I really like the guitar riff, but the chorus (if that’s what you even call it) is so bland. And considering how calm the song sounds, one might assume that it’s building towards a powerful finale. Sadly, that never happens.
UPDATE: please ignore my above comment. After a few more listens, I now f**king love “Starry Night”.
I was right when Mamamoo’s song got in the bad side of stuff, as well as almost every song in this roundup (especially Sojung’s Crystal Clear giving myself an ouch after hearing Loona’s got the upbeat songs now). I was surprised that Moon Bok and Marmello were okay, since neither really sturned me enough to interest me, but it was no doubt fine for me this week.
Why are you saying as if Kpopalypse is the God who determines what’s good or bad? We’re pretty damned if he actually is.
I’m curious, Kpopalypse. Are there any k-pop ballads that you actually DO like? Surely, there must have been a few over the past 10 years that won you over.
https://kpopalypse.com/2016/08/25/things-kpopalypse-dislikes-in-music-k-pop-ballads/
You forgot Jung Ilhoon’s “She’s Gone” – You’ll shit on it anyways, but I like that song and it deserves to be shit on at least once.
K-pop in Public is my new favourite group. A group I never want to see again because it’s fun as a one off.
Yeah… I live in New York City. I could probably dance in nothing but my underwear and a cowboy hat and no one would bat an eye…. oh wait. We already have a naked singing cowboy. Damn.
You’ll be surprise of how many “Dancing Kpop in public” videos are out there
I feel like the whole “best song of the week gets the header pic” thing has been totally thrown out the window by now?
That was originally the plan, but the problem with it is that time constraints mean that I’m forced to decide on the header pic before I’ve done all my music research. So it’s just sort of become “whatever I think will look good/annoy others”.