Everyone is always full of advice about what k-pop CEOs should and shouldn’t be doing at any given moment. However, would any of us really be any better? Take this short quiz of twelve questions and find out if you’ve got the right stuff to be a CEO of one of the major k-pop labels, or if your destiny lies elsewhere!
In your role as a hypothetical k-pop CEO, please answer the following questions with one of the four options. Don’t forget to keep a tally!
Two of your top idols have been photographed together on a date. What do you do?
A. Deny everything, they are “just good friends”
B. Admit to the dating but downplay the amount of sexy-time action by telling the media that they are “cautiously getting to know each other” when they are in fact exploring each others’ holes avidly
C. Say nothing, let the idols themselves handle it however they choose
D. Admit to the dating, have them both start up dating advice blogs so jealous netizens can get relationship help plus a sense of perspective
Your top star is identified in a high-profile hard drug scandal, ruining their squeaky clean image! What do you do?
A. Get them to make a statement to the media saying that they were told the syringe was full of vitamin B12
B. Say nothing and hope nobody notices what company they were on, so the shit doesn’t stick to your label or any of your other artists
C. Put all your legal weight into defending your artist, while privately admonishing your label’s official dealer for not being careful enough
D. Give your artist counseling and suggest that they replace their hard drug addiction with an addiction to something more benign such as computer gaming, chocolate or porn
Your new girl group is attracting hate online because of their raunchy debut concept. What do you do?
A. Stay silent, ride out the hate-wave and enjoy the publicity, then give them a completely different concept next time so people can fawn about how they’ve “changed”
B. Send the girls on variety shows to talk about how they don’t really have much fucking choice because this shit pays the bills
C. Don’t respond, and continue to release more of the same
D. Make the next comeback a collaboration with a JAV star
One of your top idols has had extensive plastic surgery (at their own request), and their fans are concerned. What do you do?
A. Release a media statement saying that they just got more attractive as they got older
B. Get the idol to admit to the surgery but downplay the extent of it, saying it was just a “small procedure”
C. Assume nobody cares, say nothing
D. Run a “guess how much money our idol’s surgery cost” fan competition, prize for the winner is a meet & greet with both the idol and the surgery team
Your fans are gaining a reputation for being an unruly hate-mob, cruelly victimising anyone who doesn’t say 100% positive things about your idols. What do you do?
A. Admit that it’s “an issue” when questioned, other than this, do nothing
B. Release a weakly-worded press statement telling them to chill the fuck out, other than this do nothing
C. Do nothing
D. Tell the fans that the only way to be a true fan is to send as much toilet paper as possible to the Australian Liberal Party, offer to pay for postage
A young, promising singer on your label is upset because she hasn’t been getting any comebacks lately, and she has been openly telling the media this. What do you do?
A. Shove her in some crappy ballad with a boy band member and a cheap-ass studio video to keep her quiet for the next few months
B. Tell her in private that you have no money and to shut the fuck up and stop making you look like shit if she wants to get out of the dungeon one day
C. Boot her off the label, fuck it – you’re better off without this whiny mole
D. Give her the comeback that she wants, ask her to pay you back with eroge games during the next Steam sale
A media outlet contacts you, wanting to do a piece on the recent history of k-pop, including a feature on your label’s role. What do you do?
A. Advise them that they can only use images and information from your label if they agree to show all your artists in a positive light at all times and not mention any messy high-profile group break-ups or controversies because that would “confuse the fans”
B. Co-operate with all requests and be grateful for the free publicity, hope that they do a good job and not a stitch-up
C. Get that intern you hired last week who doesn’t even know how to change the coffee filter yet to handle this request
D. Give the journalist the inside track on all your label’s dirty laundry so you can have maximum fun watching the result
An idol on your label does something that doesn’t upset anyone in Korea much but is seen as “divisive” and “culturally insensitive” by some fans in other countries. What do you do?
A. Do nothing, your core fanbase is unaffected so who cares
B. Ask the idol to apologise on their SNS so it doesn’t affect their potential for international advancement
C. Ignore it but make the idol’s next comeback something about cultural unity or some bullshit
D. Hire Stitches to give your entire roster of idols cultural diversity training so this never happens again
The #MeToo movement starts sweeping through the idol industry in Korea. You’re certain that some artists on your roster have been engaging in or affected by classy-sexy behaviour. What do you do?
A. Release a statement to the media saying you’ll “investigate the pasts” of all your artists, then do nothing and pray that nobody remembers how you and your partner met
B. Do nothing and pray because only the deity of your choice can save your artists from coming up in the #MeToo lottery now, also tell Gain to take a mental health hiatus so she’s not forced to awkwardly explain herself, nobody in Korea is ready for that just yet
C. Do nothing and don’t pray because there is no god powerful enough to save the music industry from itself
D. Encourage any artists on your label who may have been raped at any point in their lives to immediately come forward to
make SNS statements and ride the court of public opinion for good publicity but no closure whatsoever seek justice in a court of law
One member of a girl group on your label is starting to get a reputation as a rude bitch, she looks disinterested in variety appearances and doesn’t wave at fans onstage or smile much during performances. What do you do?
A. Gradually phase her out of the group and transfer her to one of your label’s many other activities
B. Yell at her until she feels less sad
C. Tell your dealer to increase this member’s drug supply
D. Give her “rudeness coaching” by making her binge-watch GG Allin
An online account appears with obviously false bullying accusations concerning one of your idols. Depsite their obvious lack of credibility, the rumours start to go viral in the media. What do you do?
A. Immediately deny all allegations, take legal action against the accuser
B. Deny all allegations – at a time that’s right for you, also threaten to take legal action against both the accuser and the media spreading the story but don’t follow through
C. Refuse to validate the rumours by ignoring them – surely nobody in their right mind would believe this trash
D. Find out where the accuser lives, get the idol to publicly offer to meet them after school to “sort out any misunderstanding”
A big group on your label finds themselves accused of plagiarism. What do you do?
A. Ask the songwriter to publicly deny any knowledge of the original song even existing
B. Quickly have the group release something else completely unrelated to hopefully distract everyone, after all people only remember the latest comeback don’t they
C. Tell the accusers that if they’re serious, you’ll see them in court – let the judge sort it out
D. Find an older, very attractive and smart Australian k-pop blogger with music industry experience and pay him handsomely to post about this issue in more detail than anybody asked for (any actual k-pop CEOs reading, this is a good idea, really)
Tally up your score by counting whether you answered mostly A, B, C or D. What is the result?
A – congratulations, you’ve got the right stuff to be the CEO of a major k-pop label! You should have no problem taking over from the most important people in k-pop and running their business as seamlessly as possible, in fact you’re so in-tune with their management style that people probably won’t even notice that the original CEO was replaced by you.
B – maybe the bigger k-pop label isn’t quite your bag but don’t lose heart! Your management methods may be well-suited to a smaller k-pop agency.
C – don’t bother with k-pop, it’s not for you. However you may wish to consider a career in the much more lucrative western pop music industry, to which you seem ideally suited.
D – Kpopalypse would like a word with you about a new business opportunity, managing his upcoming girl group, SPUNKMOP.
That’s all for this post – Kpopalypse will return!