Yes, it’s the most fappable k-pop music videos list, where Kpopalypse shares his personal fapping preferences purely for your entertainment and later use, all while remaining completely free of shame, guilt, good taste or common sense!
Is Kpopalypse’s “most fappable” list the most heterosexual yet simultaneously also the gayest list series in k-pop? Who knows for sure, but whatever it is, I know that readers always universally love this list, except when they don’t! Read on for the winners… if you dare!
10. EXID – DDD
There weren’t many overtly “sexy” (in the generic sense) k-pop comebacks in 2017 that were actually even remotely interesting to me, but EXID’s “DDD” was definitely a star performer. I’m not even attracted to anyone in EXID that much, yet Junghwa bouncing around to the beat like she’s being fucked still met required standards, as did Hyerin’s sexy and only slightly problematic beret-wearing. The main benefit of “DDD” from a fap perspective isn’t so much the people in it, but the careful matching of aesthetics. I hesitate to say that because k-pop fans misuse the term “aesthetic” in ways that are so uncomfortable and dumb that any sentence with the word “aesthetic” in it now is virtually stripped of all meaning, but just know that the deep red colours, flashing lights, “ooh ooh ooh ooh” refrain, bouncing girls and general dark, moody sweatiness of everything combine to really bring out the best in what little is actually present.
9. Marmello – Can’t Stop
However if we’re talking true fap potential, generic sexiness is kinda bottom of the barrel for me (which is why Pocket Girls and Laysha didn’t make it on here), we certainly move one step up when we’re talking about girls in rock bands. A lot of people probably expected “Can’t Stop” to get in my favourites list, and while it’s a competently performed song it’s just a little too bland for that, however the appearance of Marmello themselves is anything but. In fact forget the girls, I think I could fap over that PRS guitar alone. When I was a guitar student I read about PRS guitars and the PRS factory where they were built and how exacting the manufacturing process was, I really wanted one. Then one day my guitar teacher came to class with a PRS guitar and I played it for a bit, I wanted one even more after that. Then when I got old enough to go guitar shopping with my own money I found out that the price of the top-of-the-line PRS guitar with the cool bird inlays was a house deposit plus the blood of one’s firstborn, so I had to let the dream die. These girls better not ever fucking complain about having no money.
8. Lily – You’re Mine
I don’t know anything about Lily other than she’s a trot performer with big boobs who is clearly aiming for Hong Jin Young territory, as finding any information on her is nearly impossible because there’s about 23598 k-pop hopefuls right now all called Lily something. The pink baby doll dresses really don’t display Lily’s assets correctly, but then she swaps it out for a blue and black striped top and the video greatly increases in fapability as a direct result. The video editor even has the good courtesy to present her boobs bouncing in slow motion (at 1:32) and sure they put some lens flare thing over the shot to try and make it a little less obvious, playing it off like it’s a metal glint or something but they’ve put it right over a non-reflective wooden surface which isn’t fooling anybody. The true fappers know what’s really going on here.
7. Kim Young Chul & Hong Jin Young – Ring Ring
Speaking of which, Hong Jin Young made an impressive showing cosplaying an alien in this duet video for “Ring Ring” and the result is slightly superior to the original version which also had some good outfits but lacked raw boob presentation power. Also there’s Kim Young Chul there for the ladies, so anyone complaining that this list is sexist, GTFO cunts. You only need one good outfit to make a video worthwhile for fap, just like a porn actress only needs one set of clothing to remove per scene, and Hong Jin Young in a tight top and pencil skirt never fails to meet required standards. In fact if this video was actually an AV you’d hope that instead of removing all of those clothes, she’d just lift them up a bit to expose the important areas, and that’s generally the best use of clothes in AVs anyway.
6. Eunha – Hope
What people might not know about Gfriend’s prissy library bitch Eunha is that she actually has mad resting bitchface (example here), but at some point near debut time her agency obviously came up to her and said “hey girl you’d better starting putting in the emotional labour and being all “cute” and shit if you want to attract some uncle fans and CF deals” and she cleaned all of that right up. Her half-assed version of Gain’s “Bloom” is kind of hot in that submissive way because such overt sexiness is clearly outside of her usual territory, but Gfriend’s secret is that all that “innocent” shit is actually just as far outside of her comfort zone. Therefore, Eunha is pretty much boner central whenever she appears on screen doing anything at all (just ask her backing dancers), however most Gfriend videos have a problem which is that even as one of the more popular members she still only gets about 20% of the screen time. It doesn’t even matter that she’s dressed like Kurt Cobain here, it’s good to finally get some long, lingering camera shots where she can hog the whole camera with that cute double-chin and faraway “I’d rather be smoking cigarettes and playing Xbox” gaze.
5. T-ara – What’s My Name
T-ara’s big comeback for 2017 was pretty much a waste of everybody’s time except in two important areas. The first one is that it was a way for T-ara to show that they were still active and also that ex-members Boram and Soyeon still have a place in the group – look at all the symbolism here where there are groups of six objects but only four are utilised, implying that there’s still a place being held for the other two members. The other important area of concern is that the girls have never looked better. The T-ara girls are definitely looking more stunning with each comeback, and even though we don’t have short-hair Eunjung it doesn’t really matter as she sort of fits with the whole long, flowing theme of this video anyway. The other benefit of only four members is that they get more screentime and this is the most Qri has even been seen in any T-ara video since debut, so the video deserves a place on this list just for that fact alone.
4. Gfriend – Love Whisper
All the outfits worn during the dance routines look like absolute dogshit on all the girls, especially those horrible blue bathers or whatever the fuck they are, which I thought they might be wearing just in case these clumsy girls stack it on the water set, but then I realised they’re not even wearing the bathers for the water set so fuck knows what their costume designer is doing. Anyway whatever, it’s all totally made up for by those sunny shots of the girls when they’re not dancing, dressed in kind of normal shit. Girls with flowers in their hair and other “innocent” nonsense always goes down well with Kpopalypse for fap purposes, because a high ratio of difference between what is happening in k-pop videos and what I’d like to be happening in k-pop videos means that the brain has to work harder to make up the difference, and we all know that the brain is the sexiest organ in the body. That’s why for every JAV video cover art that has a girl with ten dicks in her, there’s another one with a girl smiling, wearing a summer dress and surrounded by flowers just like Eunha at 0:53. It takes all types, man.
3. UV & Shindong – Marry Man
As the global reach of Kpopalypse blog has expanded, I always feel the need to throw a bit of man-meat into the mix to satisfy the needs of those of you who enjoy fapping over males. Of course I don’t know what any of you really fap to, but I think that as a chubby-chaser, if I was into men and looking for some k-pop fap, I’d probably be getting my rocks off to Shindong. There’s no denying that Shindong possesses the kind of physique that I prefer to see in females, so it just seems like a logical conclusion to me, plus I can’t deny the objectification surveys that I run which consistently feature Shindong as a heavy hitter. Also, in “Marry Man” Shindong is actually flaunting the tub a bit, whereas in Super Junior he tends to be tucked away in a corner wiht 0.23 seconds of screen time, or dressed in bulky suits that hide his fleshy contours. So I’m sure that some of my loyal readers rubbed it out to “Marry Man”. However if super-sized k-pop flesh isn’t your thing then there’s always the two guys from UV, maybe they’re up your alley, who knows. Anyway I hope you all appreciate my commitment to inclusiveness and diversity.
2. IU – Through The Night
IU always looks best when she’s dressed as conservatively as possible, and she’s probably never been in a more fappable video than “Through The Night”, which hones IU’s faux-innocence to perfection with super-tailored black-and-white clothes and the most co-operative camera possible. Anyone even slightly capable of reading people can see that IU over time has probably had more loads of spunk in her orifices than I’ve had words in all my end of year lists, which is why this type of video is so perfect for her. She looks like one of those women in JAVs where they do the “fake candid setup” thing where the guy just randomly walks up to a woman who is fully clothed doing some mundane activity like waiting at the bus stop or shopping at the supermarket, blows his (almost always fake) load on her dress in about one second flat and then quickly runs off. The woman always then just pretends to sit there looking a bit confused after like “what the fuck was that all about… oh, I just got jizzed on”, then just wipes herself down a bit and gets back on with her day, because she’s a mature adult not about to let some horny dude dictate the terms of her life and it’s not like she hasn’t ever seen cum on her skirt before. Of course it’s all completely fake and planned with paid actors and actresses getting renumerated quite well for all their time and laundry bills so in this way there’s a parallel between the artificiality of the JAV business and the artificiality of the k-pop business. Now that Gain isn’t doing anything much anymore I feel like IU is the only person giving that a knowing nod at present.
1. Apink – Orion
Oh, apart from Apink of course. You really can’t beat Apink at this k-pop fap game. All those new groups like Gfriend, Elris, Momoland etc might have way better music now, but the true queens of k-pop fap are still Apink. However, Apink did have some stiff competition this year, so to explain how and why Apink remained on top, it’s time for:
KPOPALYPSE WHITE-COATER COMICS PRESENTS
THE SUPER-TRUE TRUFAXUAL STORY OF IU VS APINK
IT ALL STARTED A YEAR AGO, WHEN THE 2016 MOST FAPPABLE LIST WAS PUBLISHED…
IU RECORDS HER CHALLENGE TO APINK AND SENDS IT OUT VIA THE SECRET KPOP IDOL RADIO NETWORK…
IU GETS TO WORK, SHOOTING VIDEOS FOR HER 2017 COMEBACKS
WITH THE SPY CAMERA FEED SET UP, APINK BEGIN THEIR RESEARCH
APINK GET TO WORK
THE RESULTS COME IN