The 2017 Kpopalypse Awards

It’s time for the only awards ceremony in k-pop that matters – that’s right, it’s the 2017 Kpopalypse Awards!

What outstanding celebrities will be recognised at this year’s awards?  Read on to find out!


THE 2017 KPOPALYPSE AWARDS

THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DIS TEAR” KOREAN NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2017

Nominees:

T.O.P (BigBang) – for reefer madness

Han Seo Hee – for being the fall girl for T.O.P’s reefer madness

G-Dragon (BigBang) – for diversifying his portfolio into computer parts retail

Siwon (Super Junior) – for getting ruff with residents at his apartment

and the winner is:

G-DRAGON

A lot of things made Korean netizens upset in 2017, but none had a more impressive “importance of incident vs severity of reaction” ratio than G-Dragon selling a USB with a link on it as his new album and everybody going apeshit, because… it was a USB with a link on it as his new album.  Of course the link actually did work, and as we all know k-pop albums are widely regarded as souvenir value only anyway, plus fans got a whole 4gb of storage – did you know that every single Kpopalypse post so far, including images, would fit on that USB?  Some people just don’t know when to be grateful.  Oh and the paint apparently wore off the USB a little bit when people touched it too much, as fangirls probably started finding out after getting their tears on it or shoving it up their vaginas.  Truly a well-earned Korean tear extraction award.


THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DAT TEAR” GLOBAL K-POP NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2017

Nominees:

Gain (Brown Eyed Girls) – for checking out of the k-pop industry due to mental health issues

Choa (AOA) – for checking out of the k-pop industry due to mental health issues

Kyla (Pristin) – for checking out of the k-pop industry due to mental health issues

Han Seo Hee – for checking into the k-pop industry due to mental health issues

and the winner is:

HAN SEO HEE

K-pop trainee Han Seo Hee managed to make every person globally who followed k-pop hate her despite the fact that she hasn’t even made any music yet, and has only very vaguely potentially threatened to maybe make music at some point in the future at some undetermined date after she finishes making woke radical feminist merchandise and cruising around in a tour bus for no reason.  This stunning achievement in galvanising global hate by effectively doing nothing except having a vague off-and-on social media presence put Han Seo Hee right up there with ex-T-ara’s Kim Dani and of course made her a surefire winner for the global tear extraction category.


THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKE DIS LIKE DAT YEAH” K-RAP CREDIBILITY AWARD 2017

Nominees:

Jackson (GOT7)for incoherent mumble rap that made no sense

Kris Wu – for incoherent mumble rap that made no sense

Keith Ape – for incoherent mumble rap that made no sense

Lay (EXO)for incoherent mumble rap that made no sense

and the winner is:

KRIS WU

Et wus heerd to prrk a winnehr in dis yeeers rahp cartergorry, but Kris Wu’s sorng “Juice” wers derfinertly aherd erf da perk.  Tha otherr entreez in da norminashorns wer equerly incoherernt, howevrr orl uf deez repperrs culd hev beern fergivurn dew tew dere Koreern upberinging.  Kris howevrr es e veree guud Englersh speekrr hu spernt moerst uf hes growerng up ern Carnerder, sew we knoew dat hee cahn speek quiert gud Erglersh ehf hee warnts tew.  Dis maerks hez rap perfoermernce verree ermpresev ehs hee wuld ev hed to theenk careferly to butchrr eech wurd he wuz presenterd with to feet ento da stewpid murmble rap styel (murch leik dis perergrerph).  Kris haz theerfour despleyed incredebul commertmernt to Koreern rap and thourerly derserves thees erwward.


THE KPOPALYPSE “SHUBIDUBI SHALALALA URIDURI YAYAYAYA” CROSS-CULTURAL K-POP SENSITIVITY AWARD 2017

Nominees:

Bomi (Apink) – for respecting black people by applying face paint a few shades lighter

Henry (Super Junior M) – for respecting black people by taking a strong stand against blonde wigs

KARD – for respecting black people by butchering the lyrics of black music

Mamamoo – for respecting black people by doing blackface of Filipinos/Puerto Ricans instead

and the winner is:

KARD

Apink’s Bomi respected black people, but shat on guitar players.  Henry respected black people, but was mean to cosplayers.  Mamamoo respected black people, but still haven’t apologised to the French.  KARD on the other hand respected everybody.  After all, nothing says “we love and respect other people” more than singing a song called “Bitch Better Have My Money“.  Bonus points for sanitising the already-bland lyrics in the most superficial way possible by half-ass mumbling through the word “nigger” so it sounds like “hitter” while keeping all the original context intact, meaning that the song is now probably only offensive to people who play professional baseball, who are far enough down in the gene pool that it’s okay to be a bit mean to them.  Oh, and prostitutes of course, but it’s okay to be upset if you’re a pimp and she doesn’t have your money, I mean, why is that bitch even holding out on you?  Doesn’t she know who owns her?  Anyway, well done KARD!


THE KPOPALYPSE “BO PEEP BO PEEP” AWARD FOR HIGHLIGHTING LACK OF K-POP FANGIRL CRITICAL THINKING 2017

Nominees:

Chanhyuk (AKMU) – gave his sister a bit of friendly shit, and got crucified for it

Seventeen – gave their fans a bit of friendly shit, and got crucified for it

Kai (EXO), Yerin (Gfriend) & Lizzy (Pledis dungeon maid) – gave each other a bit of friendly shit, and got crucified for it

Hyoyoung and Hwayoung – threatened to stab someone in the fucking face, got a free pass

and the winner is:

HYOYOUNG & HWAYOUNG

The Korean entertainment industry is a low-tolerance place for any kind of physical or mental straggling, with both companies and fans being exceptionally cruel over the slightest perceived insult no matter how unintentional or in jest, which probably at least partially explains the large amount of Korean idols who checked out of their entire career over the course of 2017.  However incredibly, the Snake Twins not only have evaded criminal charges, but still have some sort of vague career in the Korean entertainment world after bullying T-ara’s staff for years, limping their way though half-assed k-pop performances, and threatening T-ara’s Areum with physical violence.  Amazingly there are still companies and fans out there ready to forgive them for it, at least during the warmer months when snakes are physically active.  If the Snake Twins deserve any accolades, it’s this one right here, for showing just how dumb the world of k-pop fans can be.


THE KPOPALYPSE “C’MON C’MON MAKE IT, C’MON C’MON TAKE IT” AWARD FOR STUNNING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF K-POP GENDER RELATIONS 2017

Nominees:

Onew (SHINee) – for reaching out and touching his female fans in the most literal way possible

Iron – for demonstrating that men can be classy-sexy, too

Han Jong Yeon (Produce 101) – for advancing gay rights Kevin Spacey style

Hwayoung (Boys24) – for not wanting to touch or have anything to do with smelly fangirls and their girl germs

and the winner is:

IRON

Iron doesn’t just go hard with the rap verses, he also went hard in the bedroom – perhaps a little too hard, causing a lot of nasty physical damage to his then-girlfriend.   Feeling appropriately guilty, Iron then went and cut himself, so he could relate to the pain that he had caused.  Talk about going the extra mile to get in touch with how the other person is feeling at that moment, surely Iron is the champion of gender relations that is needed in the world today to heal the rift between the sexes.  Unfortunately Iron is in jail (oh gosh no, what was I thinking, this is Korea after all) going to be on probation for a while, so we’ll have to wait a few months before his inevitable get-together with Han Seo Hee to spread the cause of women’s rights throughout Korea.


THE KPOPALYPSE “T-ARA LOVE” AWARD FOR THE 2017 K-POP GIRL GROUP DEBUT ABLE TO GENERATE THE MOST HATE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON OTHER THAN BEING ATTRACTIVE FEMALES THAT OTHER LESS ATTRACTIVE FEMALES ARE JEALOUS OF

Nominees:

Pristin – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Weki Meki – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Bonusbaby – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Elris – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

and the winner is:

PRISTIN

Bonusbaby were hated because they wore baby clothes onstage (as if no other group ever has), Bella from Elris got into shit for mocking some boy group member because of his accent, and there were several random reasons why Weki Meki were apparently hated.  Pristin on the other hand were hated only because one of their members was a few kilos heavier than the average k-pop girl, yet still managed to be both 1. slightly medically underweight anyway and 2. still far more attractive than everybody who was complaining about her (especially certain beaten-with-the-ugly-stick v-loggers that I won’t name because let’s not give such human trash any more attention than they deserve).  Even her own brother has now disowned her on Twitter or whatever it is kids do these days when they argue and they “really mean it, man”, so I think Kyla and her group deserve more love from Kpopalypse, and hey Kyla I’m sure your bro never got around to passing on that Kpopalypse interview request but how about it.


THE KPOPALYPSE “BLING BLING JEWELRY CHAIN” 2017 AWARD FOR THE K-POP PERFORMER MOST WILLING TO GO THE EXTRA MILE TO PAY OFF THEIR TRAINEE DEBTS

Nominees:

Cao Lu (Fiestar)admitted that she had no income publicly so someone would take sympathy on her and throw her a few bucks

Han Seo Heestarted an online shopping mall and then had to give all the money back due to still being on probation, oops

Madtownfiled for contract termination from their company so they can actually legally be paid to make music one day

Nadaalso filed for contract termination because her agency wouldn’t show her the receipts

and the winner is:

CAO LU

All of the nominees for this award are in pretty shitty financial situations, except Cao Lu who actually has a lot more money than you might think.  She bought her parents an apartment when she was 17 years old, which then increased ten times in value, so the fact that she’s now saying she has no income, well you can actually afford to have no income when you have thousands in the bank plus expensive real estate plus a wage from the label.  Just rent your fucking apartment out or put it back on the market, how hard is it.  Still, I’d give her money if I could because she’s kind of attractive and looks good in the black dress in the above picture, Cao Lu is making a nine-dash line straight for my heart and needs to link me her Patreon or something.  In the meantime, here, have an award for no reason.


THE KPOPALYPSE “IN MY EYES, EVERYTHING IS SEXY” MOST BUTTHURT-INDUCING “SEXY” VIDEO OF 2017

Nominees:

Hyuna – for “Lip & Hip

Hyuna (again) – for “Babe

AOA – for “Excuse Me

Girl’s Day – for “I’ll Be Yours

and the winner is:

HYUNA – BABE

All the other videos were traditionally sexy but Hyuna flipped the tables with an obviously trolling “innocent” concept instead and still generated the same amounts of butthurt that she usually creates anyway each time that she comes back.


That’s all for the Kpopalypse Awards for 2017!  Please make your way out of the auditorium in an orderly manner and don’t disturb the neighbours!  Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon!

2 thoughts on “The 2017 Kpopalypse Awards

  1. In fairness to GD stans, I too would be upset if the paint came off something I had inserted into my vagina. Perhaps in the future he can be a more considerate partner and include some kind of condom/applicator…..

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