It’s time for Kpopalypse to look back on his predictions for 2017, and make all new predictions for 2018! Come with Kpopalypse for a look into the crystal ball of k-pop!
Just to mix things up a little and really put my super Boram ESP powers to the test, I decided to make the most outlandish predictions I could think of for 2017. How did Kpopalypse fare?
RESULTS OF 2017 PREDICTIONS
Yolo in k-pop decreases gradually, but gets replaced with some other bullshit musical style instead – CORRECT. Yolo content has sharply decreased in 2017 but has been replaced by the tropical shithouse trend which is now in full swing.
A k-pop star gets AIDS (secretly) – UNCONFIRMED, we’ll have to wait for them to reveal it.
Every other shit group from 15 years ago that you wish would fuck off has a disgusting money-grubbing reunion – CORRECT. Shortly after I posted my last list, we had shit comebacks from S.E.S, Sechskies and Shinhwa, three of the dustiest groups ever to dust the dust off of a tribal lycra spacesuit.
Sulli stays happy – CORRECT. Free from the drudgery of k-pop group duties, Sulli has happily kept her modelling career on (and on, and on) and recently signed another contract with SM to do nothing much other than stand around in dresses and look prettier than you.
After School come back, lol actually no not really – CORRECT, After School did fuck all except talk about how they’re “still around, we promise“.
T-ara release “Absolute Second Album” – INCORRECT, instead T-ara are going for “Absolute Second Contract” in 2018. Looks like Boram’s super ESP powers don’t work that well when turned inward.
Allkpop goes bankrupt – INCORRECT. I hoped that I could wish the demise of The Great Satan into existence for the good of all k-pop fans everywhere, however it was not to be. You can’t blame a caonima for trying.
DIA, Gfriend and Mamamoo all get dragged into some stupid shit – CORRECT. Gfriend’s Yerin was caught up in silly “Dancegate” fanwars, DIA’s Eunjin was put on blast for supposedly being a rude fucking cuntfaced bitch, and of course Mamamoo offended blacks, Indians and the French.
More lovely readers grateful that Kpopalypse doesn’t have ads decide to donate to Kpopalypse’s Patreon – CORRECT. Thank you to all Patreon subscribers! I hope that you feel Kpopalypse blog has given you value for money in 2017, but I’m sure it probably hasn’t as you don’t actually get any extra content and could have been reading all of this for free the whole time. Oh well. I love you all anyway!
The stupid MR Removed fad gradually starts dying out – CORRECT. Every time people post anywhere on the Internet about MR Removed now, a link to my MR Removed debunk post shortly follows, and the conversation quickly turns from “look how well/badly they can sing” to arguments about why people still believe in this MR Removed junk after it’s been proven wrong, so I consider that a moral victory of truth over lies.
One of k-pop’s “adult dance” nugu groups gets popular – CORRECT. Pocket Girls came back and racked up over 100k YouTube views in a month despite the fact that their song is near-impossible to find on YouTube and they’ve had so many member changes that they’re almost a completely different group.
An agency debuts a k-pop girl group where no member has had surgery – CORRECT. Sixbomb aren’t nugus but flaunted their debut non-surgical appearance, and just to prove that they were surgery-free, they flaunted getting their surgeries as well!
Beast blow the lid off of some crazy dirt that went down at Cube – CORRECT. Beast (now renamed Highlight because Cube wouldn’t let them keep the name) spilled the beans about how they got so pissed off at Cube’s shit that they just stopped turning up to pre-booked photoshoots completely, fucking LOL.
Another really fucked tragic accident happens in k-pop. CORRECT. Siwon’s dog munched down on some old lady and killed her with sepsis. Also, Taeyeon had a car accident, and tragically, no netizens died.
Asian Junkie and Anti Kpop-Fangirl have sexy online feuds – CORRECT. You have to keep a watchful eye on Twitter to see these two go at it, but it does happen. Unfortunately it has yet to spin out into an all-out blog war on their respective sites, however I believe that this is only due to AKF being largely AFK. Hopefully with the promise of more postings on AKF in 2018, their literary sparring may make it past the foreplay stages into a righteous mutual pegging.
K-pop fans continue to be insufferable vocalfaggots – CORRECT. At least much mirth was had with the debuting of the V-Files series on Kpopalypse blog, which was widely shared within vocalfag communities to great positive effect.
Kpopalypse continues to annoy the fuck out of everyone in 2017 – CORRECT.
Wow, I actually got most of it right, even thought I pulled all of these outlandish predictions completely out of my ass! My super Boram ESP powers are still in fine form! Let’s now have a crack and what’s in store over the next 12 months!
KPOPALYPSE’S PREDICTIONS FOR 2018
After School finally fucking come back – for real this time. Of course it will be a butchered lineup with half the girls not even in the group anymore and the song will suck. After all that waiting you’ll end up wishing they stuck to modelling.
Crazy shots are fired in the BTS/EXO fanwar – the two nuttiest k-pop fandoms go back at it hardcore.
Twice become the new Girls’ Generation – 2NE1, Wonder Girls, T-ara, Sistar and 4Minute were all hyped as Girls’ Generation’s potential replacement at one point or another, but Twice are the girl group that will actually take their throne and dominate the female end of k-pop, at least for the next year or two.
BTS actually crack the US market… somewhat – don’t expect Psy levels of global success, BTS will instead build their audience slowly and become a regular feature on the more modest end of US charts.
China opens up to k-pop again – Chinese government officials want to fap to k-pop too, therefore a gradual (and quiet) cooling of the k-pop ban in China will occur.
Another k-pop star consents to Kpopalypse Interview – inspired by Melanie from Chocolat’s candid and articulate confessions in 2017, a tough and brave idol unfazed by social or career pressure will step up to the plate. Who will it be?
K-pop fans en masse gradually realise Netizenbuzz is kind of a bullshit site for fuckwits – but she’s still a clickbait ninja so they will continue to read it anyway.
My k-pop hating girlfriend will actually find a k-pop video that she likes – but only because it has a cat in it.
Classy-sexiness returns to k-pop videos – now that Gain is more or less out of action, a new k-pop idol moves in to fill the gap of “most classy-sexy”.
Meanwhile, some powerful people in k-pop get busted in real life for getting too classy-sexy – with absolutely no consequences of worth, because it’s Korea.
KARD finally have a feature track that isn’t tropical shithouse – and I mean an upbeat track that people actually want to listen to, that poxy ballad they released about five minutes ago doesn’t count.
More Americans will enter k-pop, with horrible results – get ready for cringe city as Americans continue to abandon their own much more lucrative country’s industry for Korea because reasons.
Peak tropical shithouse is reached, and gradually declines – a bit too fucking gradually, unfortunately. Expect the trop-slop to start decreasing slowly in the second half of 2018, after Korea milks another round of crappy summer comebacks out of this sickening trend.
More k-pop artists say and do “problematic” things – much to the delight of Asian Junkie who will enjoy pointing this out to everyone.
YG finally lets Blackpink do more than one song per year again – prepare to be at least 100% more underwhelmed in 2018.
Stellar finally tell their record label to get fucked once and for all – after a series of career-nuking decisions, they drop the big one.
Han Seo Hee debuts with one of the best songs in 2018 – complete with her feminist fashion label wear in the music video. Okay I’m probably dreaming but you’ve got to admit this would be hilarious.
Kpopalypse continues to annoy the fuck out of everyone in 2018 – you know it will happen.
That’s all for this year’s predictions, let’s see what comes true over the next twelve months!