It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

Twice – Likey

In case you hadn’t noticed or were unable to read between the lines, I likey likey “Likey”.  It’s exactly the type of k-pop song that is needed right now.  If Hwasnake inspired this song with her four bars of Roly Poly rap, then at least in the end she had a function.

VAV – She’s Mine

VAV’s new one isn’t anything great but it’s not some tropical bullshit, or R&B, or a ballad, so it gets points.  Isn’t it sad when I’m actually willing to reward a song just because it isn’t trendy bullshit and for no other reason.

Minah – 11

She met me at KCON and now she’s all sad because she’s been reading my blog ever since and found out that I’m in a long-term relationship.  Please support her and help her cheer up so we get better songs in the future.

Juniel – I Drink Alone

Juniel, the reason why you drink alone is because your cooking is fucking shit.  What is that slug thing you’re cutting up, it looks gross.  Also those noodles have way too much chilli, at least put some vegetables in there, fuck.  The guy has to smile about it to be polite but he can’t wait to get out of there and wash his mouth out.  Just let him order takeout next time and you might be drinking alone less in future.

Loona/Odd Eye Circle – Sweet Crazy Love

I was all prepared for something really weird especially with that image but this just surprised me with how normal it is.  Too much of those usual boring vocal lines everywhere give no room for anything else to breathe and stop this one from ever really getting going.  At least it looks great.

Astro – Crazy Sexy Cool

Another “crazy” song that isn’t.  I wouldn’t know about “sexy” or “cool” but definitely a failure on the “crazy” front.  Kpopalypse seeks crazy k-pop song for fun times.

The Rose – Like We Used To

I was hoping this would be good like SoReal but it’s not anywhere near as well-written.  Mind you that couch dive at 1:09 is impressive.  I wonder if he had to practice that, or if such accurate couch-diving just comes naturally after being in one of these soft-as-shit rock groups for a while.

Stella Jang ft. Olltti – Cheerleader

Imagine being as squeaky as Jimin but having no songs.

Mixnine – Just Dance

I’m already over these TV shows and they haven’t even started yet.  I wonder if we’ll get a good song out of this one or if it’ll be just like Produce 101.  From the sound of this is seems like the latter.

Jeon Soyeon – Jelly

Why is this woman singing as if she’s fat when she’s clearly not.  I demand she put on about 50kgs and do this song again.  Keep it real, man.

Day6 – All Alone

How good I felt when I heard that JYP’s new rock group would release a comeback each month for 2017.  A bit of fucking ROCK to shake up the Korean music scene, finally.  Of course, I didn’t know back then that 11 out of the 12 songs were going to be boring Coldplay plodders and ballad shit, did I.

Got7 – Turn Up

You know it’s not too bad which really makes me wonder what the fuck Day6 are doing with their lives.

BONUS SONGS

Super Junior – One More Chance

The worst thing about the Siwon dog scandal is that someone died for no reason, but if she’d lived to hear this horrible “reflective” slow rock crap that SM cynically rushed out to ensure Super Junior’s post-Bugsy viability, she’d be offering her leg to that dog for a second helping.

Icia – Sad Heel

Speaking of looking great, these ladies are really putting out all the stops to get on the fap list this year.

Nick & Sammy – Without You

The guy seems to get dumped or whatever and we’re supposed to feel sad but from the sound of this crap it just seems like divine justice to me.

Nieah – Baby

I like how the name of the artist kind of sounds like a yawn when you try to say it all as one syllable, seems appropriate.

Mind U – If

This coffee-shop bullshit group used to be called Acourve, which is a stupid name, but then so is Mind U.  Suits them I guess.

Muzie – Sindorim

Some nonsense dance music, with Rhodes of course.  Literally any other choice would have been better.

Eddy Kim – Bet On Me

Usually Eddy Kim is boring coffee shop crap too, so this limp, weak funk garbage is actually about as upbeat as he gets.  Whoa there Eddy don’t pull a muscle.

Jinbo ft. Chancellor – My Love By My Side

This week really is the week for painfully slow wrist-slashing ballads that nobody cares about and that will be forgotten in a month.  Listen at 2:36, whoever the fuck told him that little “wooahhaoahwooo” was a good idea should probably be killed.  He doesn’t even sound sober.  Someone get him out of the studio and back to bed, jesus fucking christ.

Yiruma – Framed

Removing the vocals from a shit ballad does help a little bit, but it’s still the last thing I want to listen to outside the context of a film or something.

Beautiful Bombs – Waddling

Grunge reinterpreted through Korea 25 years later misses the sound somewhat due to everything just being too “nice”.  At least they look ugly enough.

SPECIAL RETRO BONUS SONG

Kan Mi Youn ft. Mir (MBLAQ) – Going Crazy

One of the great classy-sexy k-pop videos, Kan Mi Youn basically gets her rapey on with some boy-band man-meat in every fangirl’s fantasy (just substitute him for your fave of course, because nobody likes MBLAQ in 2017).  Also the song is great, the sort of uptempo track that was all over the place in 2010 but these days if we get one song that sounds like this per month we’re lucky.

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That’s all for this week – more new songs rounded up by Kpopalypse next week!