It’s time for another Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out this week’s new releases!
Hashtag – Hue
One of those songs where the chorus and breakdowns are great and the rest is just that typical rambling “let’s just pull melodies out of nursery rhymes and piano scale exercises because we couldn’t be fucked putting in actual effort into writing our own music” bullshit. Fortunately, the crap parts aren’t the important parts so it’s not enough to ruin it.
SF9 – O Sole Mio
I’m looking forward to a week where I don’t feel obliged to link my tropical shithouse post when discussing new songs. This week unfortunately isn’t that week.
Up10tion – Going Crazy
Not much of a song but certainly best colour co-ordination I’ve seen in a while.
DIA – Good Night
Oh shit it’s more of that crap sound but someone actually used the marimba fucking whatsit to do actual harmony instead of just randomly plunk. This is too sophisticated for my brain yet too shit at the same time.
Rainz – Juliette
It’s upbeat but it’s kind of all wrong somehow with the key shifts and so forth. It’s like they wrote a good song and then decided that wasn’t enough so they modulated it around completely needlessly. Oh well, the verses are still good.
Got7 – You Are
They get all the squirt-squirt toot-toot shit out of the way in the intro for this one. Once it starts being a proper song they kind of bury that shit in the background a little. I guess JYP is as sick of this shit as we are.
Nu’est W – Where You At
I wonder what the W stands for. “Wasting your time”, perhaps.
TRCNG – Spectrum
Actually reasonable due to having a consistent tonality and mood, that always helps.
Ha:tfelt – I Wander
A little bit less fucking wandering would have actually been appreciated.
Ha:tfelt – Read Me
Everyone wanks themselves to death over this chick but let’s be real: it if wasn’t some girl who was in The Wonder Girls and instead just any old no-name Korean coffee-shop artist nobody would give any fucks about these songs of hers whatsoever.
Uza – Suitable
It’d be like the situation with this girl here. Uza is similar but so much better than Ha:tfelt that it just isn’t funny. Watch nobody give a crap except me, the guy who requested this great song and maybe three other people. Hey I don’t even know if this came out in 2017 or what, if there’s a video, or anything about Uza at all apart from her Twitter and Facebook accounts. Feel free to help out a caonima in need.
The Boyz – I’m Your Boy
It’s when songs like this come out that I have an epiphany and it dawns on me that I’m a colossal faggot for listening to this trash.
Davichi – To Me
No decent songs like in their MBK days and no Minkyung in the video means the new Davichi has literally no function. Keep scrolling down.
Doyoung & Sejeong – Star Blossom
A rare example of a k-pop song in 3/4 time, which actually makes it about 2.632% less boring that it would otherwise be. Which isn’t very less boring.
Yu Seungwoo – Tonight
Hilarious how people will probably compliment the singing in this when he’s just mumbling into a machine that’s doing 50% of the work.
Lips-Bite – The Bad
PRS guitars are cool, I always wanted a top-range American-made PRS with the bird inlays, the deep-coloured flame top and the 47 layers of plasticy finish, but they cost about a house deposit to buy in Australia. It’s a sad moment to see such great guitars being used to make music that shouldn’t even exist. Give me the damn guitar instead if you’re going to just waste it like that.
Jung Dong Ha – Your Season
Monday Kiz – When Autumn Comes
Monday Kiz are one of those groups that are consistently worthless. Imagine being in one of these groups. No wonder the suicide rate is so high in Korea.
Hi Cutie – Play U
Don’t you girls have homework to do? Stop messing around with the
organised crime k-pop industry or I’ll tell your parents. What, they’re in on this and they’re hoping you’ll become stars? Humanity is doomed. Baby boomers this is your fault.
Pungdeng-E – Stay
How come we can’t have Crayon Pop anymore but we still have their crappy third-rate pedestrian clone group that never has any good songs. It’s like AC/DC broke up but Krapus are still around, I mean imagine that, ridiculous, right? Oh wait.
SOMEONE ASKED ME TO REVIEW SOME JAPANESE 100% SONGS THAT I MISSED SO HERE THEY ARE
100% – Warrior
Not as good as their Korean songs and there’s that second chord in the pre-chorus build-up where they choose some really odd note in the keyboards and it’s like “what the hell did they just hit there, like seriously”. But hey it’s not a ballad!
100% – How To Cry
This one is much better, the chorus is a bit too vocally busy, but I guess so are all k-pop choruses everywhere. It’s alright.
Up10tion – ID
While we’re on the topic, Up10tion had a Japanese release too and it’s not too intolerable. So there you go.
SPECIAL BONUS RETRO SONG
Girls’ Generation – Day By Day
Now seems like a good time to write about Girls’ Generation now that nearly half the group has flown the coop after being dicked around by SM fairly thoroughly during the contract renewal process (as one would expect from SM Entertainment, Korea’s leaders of
organised crime culture technology). Girls’ Generation justifiably ascended to the top of the organised crime Korean pop industry as they had a lot of great songs. They also had “Day By Day”, which is really just a nothingy acoustic-strumming waste of time and doesn’t create much of any reaction in me of any sort, I can’t even bring myself to dislike it overly. The video is nice though, with the girls catering dutifully to their then-viewer’s budding fap fantasies with various “casual everygirl” activities and direct-to-camera overacted POV cheese from each member, with carefully divided screen time. SM Entertainment certainly knew their audience, and it’s this underhanded “knowingness” which has influenced every other mid-to-high tier k-pop production ever since and which is Girls’ Generation’s true k-pop legacy.
That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup will return!