The latest Kpopalypse survey is still going at the time of writing, but one of the overwhelming responses is that most readers think that the Kpopalypse dreams series is fuckin’ stupid. I already knew this because my website stats don’t lie, but seeing it confirmed was amusing. Naturally this has prompted me to finish Kpopalypse dreams V, because I blog for my own entertainment first and foremost! Read on and enjoy the crazy, and perhaps be thankful that your k-pop related dreams are probably not this fucked up!
WARNING: these dreams are actually completely fucked. You should probably stop reading now.
I’m called into a meeting by SM Entertainment. Several military officers are here, they are talking about their plans to unite Korea using the power of SM. They run a Powerpoint presentation and I sit down and watch. There are about a dozen chairs in front of the presentation but I am the only one watching. The presentation talks briefly about Korea’s war history, and then details the plan – to try to seduce Kim Jong Un into seeing the benefits of South Korean lifestyle using Shindong fanservice. It is assumed that Kim Jong Un is secretly gay for Shindong and that he would appreciate seeing Shindong’s flesh enough to unite Korea under South Korea’s terms. The officers then ask me to take photos of Shindong in semi-nude “erotic” poses and send them to Kim Jong Un’s phone. I reply that I’d be happy to do this to help further the cause of world peace.
I’m in a domestic kitchen, Sorn is here. Some doo-wop music is playing, and Sorn is dressed in a red and white polka-dotted dress. Sorn is drinking a milkshake through a straw. I notice that the straw fits perfectly in one of the corners of her upper lip, like it was especially designed for a straw to go there. I think about saying something to Sorn about this but I worry that it might be perceived weirdly so I decide not to.
I’m reading the entertainment liftout section of my city’s local newspaper. It’s a gay-themed liftout and the first few pages are dedicated to gay hookup stories, with accompanying surreal drawings of buff guys holding their big penises while looking at each other and smiling. After this is a section on T-ara, written by Jacques Petersen (Arcadey), it’s similar to the piece that he wrote for Billboard about T-ara getting stronger because of their haters and uses much of the same text.
I’m at the radio station and I have some downtime between shows that I’m supposed to DJ, so I play a round of Counter Strike: Global Offensive to kill some time. During one round I spraypaint a wall with one of the more suggestive pictures of IU where the other team can see it, and then start shooting at them from behind some cover. I don’t kill anybody (as usual – I’m quite bad at this game), but the distraction of the image and my constant wayward shots pin down the entire enemy side in one location allowing the rest of my team to approach them from another angle without being detected and easily wipe them out.
Later that day, an email comes through the radio station’s bulletin board:
This is LOEN Entertainment. You have found to be using an unauthorised image of IU in a computer game. This is an infringement of our intellectual property and carries serious penalties. Please explain how you acquired this image and inserted it into the game.
Fortunately I don’t have to respond, as someone at the radio station responds on my behalf.
Anybody can insert any image into the game, it’s a simple process. The image in question is low-resolution and is only on screen for a few seconds before it was obscured by bullet holes. We have attached video evidence of this. We don’t believe that this usage constitutes a legally actionable violation of intellectual property.
I leave my computer and go into the break room, which is actually a small outdoor beer garden. IU is here. She is wearing a black jumper and black leggings, she’s very attractive but it’s also really noticeable how skinny she is. A few of my radio station friends have gathered around, they don’t really know who she is but they’re all excited to see a k-pop star in the flesh. We all sit down at a table.
IU smiles. “I’m glad to meet you. I don’t care about my label, I liked it that you were using my image.”
“Thanks!” I reply.
“Don’t worry about their email. I hate them, they’re so boring. I want to do some more photos and some collaborations. Who should I choose to do photos with?”
I think for a moment. “Definitely Suzy from miss A. Anyone from T-ara.”
“That’s a good idea, it will really annoy people. That would be funny. I’d like to do photos with Jiyeon.”
“What about Sulli, is she still in k-pop?”
IU laughs. “Sulli will never return to k-pop!”
We all have some lunch and my friends buy IU drinks.
I’m reading an online article on Brietbart news, about the changing demographics of k-pop. The writer says that due to changing economic circumstances across the globe, k-pop is making the shift to marketing towards more middle-class right-wing fans because lower-class left-wing fans are now too poor to afford Internet connections. As an example of a song marketed in this manner, the article showcases a new video by F-ve Dolls, who have reformed as a four-piece “rock” group (similar to late Wonder Girls/early AOA). The line-up is Yeonkyung (bass guitar), Hyewon (guitar), Eunkyo (guitar and vocals) and Shannon Williams (drums). The music video is shot in that brown building with arched windows that all the nugu groups use. Eunkyo wears a green cardigan and huge glasses, she looks a bit like an Asian version of YouTuber Laci Green. She smiles to camera as sings the group’s new “coffee shop” soft rock song, which I find very boring but I’m glad that F-ve Dolls are back.
Humans now live on Mars. Most people who live on Mars are young people in their teens and early 20s, they are enticed there by reality TV shows which glamorise Mars are a trendy cool place with lots of open space and green sporting fields. In reality it’s just lots of red, dusty hills and frightening weather. Terraforming allows people to breathe on Mars to some degree, but the terraforming isn’t complete so people still need to spend most of their time indoors in oxygenated buildings or they get sick. The biggest k-pop group on Mars is T-ara, who sound better there due to the atmospheric conditions.
I own a run-down apartment on Mars, I don’t live there but I rent it out to some people. I’m over there visiting, and I’ve just finished inspecting my apartment, and I’m driving around town. Everyone who lives on Mars lives in one small city, which is quite crowded with lots of traffic problems, all the people drive beat-up 1950s/60s cars with little regard for road safety, and all the roads are dirt with no traffic signals. All of a sudden a meteor shower breaks out. Meteor showers are very dangerous here, the meteors are big and lots of them fall at once, wrecking cars and buildings and killing people. When humans colonised Mars they didn’t consider the regularity of meteor showers would make the place nearly unliveable. I drive past an intersection where there’s a roundabout in the middle with a picnic bench that is covered in blood and entrails, a meteor obviously landed right in the middle of it when some people were having a gathering. I see people screaming and rushing to get inside buildings, however the traffic is jammed and there’s lots of people on the roads, so getting to safety is difficult. I decide not to worry about it, I figure if it’s my turn to get hit by a meteor there’s nothing I can do about it anyway. No meteors hit me.
Eventually I get out of my car and start walking down a long hill by a road. Cars are jammed bumper to bumper going in the opposite direction, up the same road. There’s an auditorium at the top of the hill and T-ara are playing there tonight, everyone in town is going. Because I’m walking down the hill away from the concert, some people assume I’m a T-ara hater, they jeer at me from their vehicles and scream insults. I don’t give them any attention, I know their assumptions are wrong but I wouldn’t be believed if I told them so I just keep walking.
I’m in T-ara’s old dormitory, standing in the doorway. There are six beds in one small room, making it impossible to move in the room at all without climbing on the beds. The doorway and hall outside are really dirty. Eunjung is here, sitting on one of the beds.
She says “this room is a lot dirtier now than it was in 2011 when we were living here all the time. However, if you want to see something even worse, go next door, that’s Dal Shabet’s dorm.”
I walk out into the hallway and go next door. Dal Shabet’s dorm is just one solitary toilet cubicle. It doesn’t even have a sink, and the walls and floor look like they haven’t been cleaned in a long time. There is graffiti on one of the walls, next to the toilet roll dispenser – “Yoochun was here”.
I’m watching KARD’s live show in Chicago. They are standing in a row on stage, talking to the audience and clarifying their “racist lyrics” controversy. Jiwoo addresses the audience.
“We all have our own opinions about words and when it’s okay or not okay to use them. However our tour manager read some articles on the Asian Junkie blog and that told us that some people would be upset if we sung the word “nigger”, so we didn’t sing it. I don’t really know why it’s such a big deal not to sing “nigger”, but we really wanted to make sure that KARD is liked by everyone, that’s really important for us, so we didn’t sing “nigger”. We hope that you understand. Thanks for supporting us!”
The crowd applauds. Jiwoo smiles.
I’m at a T-ara fansigning for “What’s My Name” promos. The girls are all behind a small counter in a room that only fits a few people, talking to fans who are sad that they’re breaking up. They’re all wearing suits like in their promo pictures. A long queue of fans extends outside the room and onto the street.
Later I’m doing a livestream about being at this event. Someone asks me to talk about a song that has a “10000-octave high note” according to the Korean press. My cat sits on top of my head and looks at the monitor. From the angle of the stream to viewers it looks like I have the eyes and nose of my cat but my own mouth. My viewers start freaking out, so I start smiling, which looks even weirder, and my viewers freak out even more.
I’m with some Nine Muses fans. They explain to me that they have a scheme to get Nine Muses famous and ensure their career lasts longer. They take me into a factory where there are several machines. They tell me that they are counterfeiting money and will send it to Nine Muses members in gift packages.
I ask them “Aren’t you worried about getting caught?”
One of the fans replies: “I just hope their manager lets them spend it and doesn’t take any off them.”
I am in an art gallery, who are displaying a Netizenbuzz art exhibition. Various posts of hers are printed on posters in rooms. In the very last room there’s a computer monitor on a wall which displays as a line graph the amount of times the phrase “I don’t visit that site” has been typed by me, on her site, per day. The average is four times per day, occasionally dipping to twice per day. I think about writing a blog response to this but give up halfway through as I decide that I can’t make the response funny or interesting enough to be worth publishing.
I’m watching some new GIFs of Sulli that have been released by Reddit/kpopfap, there are ten in total and the post says that they gradually get more extreme. I skip straight to GIF #10 and start watching. Sulli is in a private room at a club, with a few friends, they are all naked. One of them is a girl with a penis who ejaculates on Sulli’s thighs. The girl then takes a large champagne bottle and inserts it all the way up Sulli’s ass. It slides in easily, and Sulli poops it out a few seconds later, just as easily. Sulli is smiling happily straight to the camera the entire time.
Later an article is released saying that Sulli is the new CEO of SM Entertainment. Her first action as the new CEO is to publicly release a list called “top ten idols who enjoy anal sex”. Idols 1, 2 and 3 are all Sulli, the rest are all male idols who are on SM Entertainment.
I’m watching TV, there is an advertisement for the new series of Game Of Thrones. Shannon Williams is in the ad, she’s playing a feature character. In various footage she wears a chainmail vest and talks to some soldiers, she also rides on horseback. There is then footage of her smiling as she stabs a horse violently in the neck.
Later, I’m driving Shannon Williams to her TV set so she can film the next upcoming episode. I don’t know where to go, and Shannon is silent, she won’t give me directions. I just end up driving in circles for a while and eventually stop in a green muddy field. Shannon look at me like I’m stupid for being lost, but doesn’t say anything.
I’m watching a porn film called “IU vs BBC”. Because it’s Korean it’s quite tame. IU, fully clothed, bounces up and down on a bed, then she squirts some yoghurt onto a black dildo. The dildo is shot just within frame so it looks like it theoretically could be a real penis with a guy attached, but it obviously isn’t as it’s clearly plastic and never moves.
I drive out to a place called “Koreatown”, on the outskirts, of Adelaide, Australia (which unfortunately doesn’t exist in reality). I’m hoping to do some k-pop shopping there. I go into a music shop that deals with k-pop, there is almost nobody here. There are DVDs of the groups Great Guys and ICIA but I decide not to buy them because I figure I can just download them at home. However I do find Luna there, also browsing for music.
“I can take you to Utopia Town, it’s north of here. Do you want to go?” asks Luna.
“Isn’t Utopia Town dangerous? I heard there were floods up there.” I reply.
Luna shrugs. “I don’t care, let’s go.”
Luna gets in my car and we drive north. While I’m driving, Luna is watching videos on a tablet-type device. She shows me the screen while I’m driving.
“Check this out, doesn’t Amber look great?” she asks.
I take a look at the screen. It’s Amber in some kind of crime action movie. She’s topless, her boobs are much bigger and fuller than I expected. In the scene she’s threatening someone with a machete. I’m not sure of the context of the scene as I have to concentrate on the road, but I nod. “Amber looks quite good there”, I reply.
Luna nods to herself while smiling and continues to watch the scene as I keep driving.
I’m descending through a dungeon in a computer game, it’s a co-op game and I’m playing with a bunch of other k-pop fans. I reach level 7, which has Egyptian-themed decor. The floor is laid out in a long rectangle. As we make our way around the room we get ambushed by various weird monsters and spike traps, but we soon learn how to navigate the floor safely, however what we can’t find is a way down to the next level. We even try to cast a spell to skip a floor magically but it doesn’t work on this floor. Eventually we notice a table with four different-coloured keys on it, but they all have odd shapes and none of them fit any doors on the floor. After ages of running around in circles, the group is ready to give up, so I summon a cheat guide. The cheat guide appears, a 3D animated holographic image of Raina. She smiles and reads a scripted passage in a fake chirpy accent.
“Ignore the keys on the table, look instead for specks on the walls of different colours, these are keys that you need to combine.” The holo-Raina reaches and picks up two tiny specks on the wall. “Each speck represents a k-pop singer, for instance the orange one on the left represents Ailee and the green one represents Kyuhyun.” She outstretches her hand so I can see the two specks clearly which are very small, then she closes her fist and opens it again. Only the orange speck now remains in her hand. “Don’t be fooled! It will look like one speck has vanished but in fact they have both combined. The game designers made it this way on purpose as a social comment, it’s symbolic of how two good singers tend to not work well together, so putting them on the same song is usually a mistake. Combine all the keys and the doors will open, good luck!”
I close the cheat guide and sure enough the specks on the walls have been right in front of us the entire time. We quickly combine them all and the entry to the next floor opens.