It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out this week’s new releases!
Sunny & Henry – U&I
Sunny’s bridal C O S P L A Y looks so good here that I nearly didn’t notice at 1:15 where a word comes out of her mouth while her lips are closed. Ventriloquist Sunny is real.
Gfriend – Summer Rain
The AC/DC of k-pop just released their “Blow Up Your Video”.
Junho – Instant Love
Okay, so someone at JYP really likes Cocteau Twins and decided to make Junho be Elizabeth Fraser for a song, which is a pretty balls-out move right up there with Rainbow channeling Laurie Anderson and expecting people to buy it.
Junho – Canvas
At least on this song he’s ruining a backing track that was already crap anyway so I feel less bad about the wasted potential.
Bobby – I Love You
The path to hell is paved with toot toot bullshit.
Bobby – Runaway
If there really was a god, he’d allow Bobby to be hip-hop while also looking after his hygiene.
Elris – Pow Pow
So much guitarface in k-pop videos and finally a song arrives where they could have justifiably used guitars in the video and they didn’t. I guess they didn’t want to offend anyone. I guess you can’t blame agencies for pandering to political correctness when there’s money to be made.
IU – Autumn Morning
I like this song only because it really lays bare how heavily post-processed k-pop vocals are in that first acapella minute. I might use it in a blog one day. In the meantime I’m sure “Flower Bookmark 2” will be a waste of time musically but I look forward to seeing IU in an upcoming MV wearing more slightly see-thru white fabric and being all “innocent” ahem cough. Talk about a girl who knows exactly how to play the game. IU is the yin to Hyuna’s yang.
Han Yeoyoo – Life On Their Own Terms
Life on my own terms would involve not listening to this trash ever again.
D.I.P – A Likely Night
I like it how they’ve taken that stupid noise and dropped it into the chorus to make this first-half-of-2016-yolo-by-numbers seem “up to date”.
Dreamcatcher – Secret Love Song
I was listening to this thinking “hang on, this is fucking garbage… why? Usually Dreamcatcher are great” and then I realised it was a cover of a Little Mix song. Ah, now that explains everything.
Leesun – Cake
The song called “Cake” being good is a lie.
Lundi Blues – Gaze
I hate trawling through the “indie” channels. It’s almost always garbage like this. The “indie” scene or whatever in Korea needs some serious hard drugs injected into it.
Sugarbowl – A Very Special One
I nearly fucking cut my thumb off the other day which is why you didn’t get any other posts last week apart from the survey, but I decided to still do a roundup this week as roundups are pretty light on the word count compared to my usual posts so I wouldn’t fuck my thumb up too much. Anyway I hope you’re appreciating the physical pain I’m going through now just to type to you that this song fucking sucks and you shouldn’t listen to it.
20 Years Of Age – Not Him
More boring trash that isn’t worth the movement of your mouse finger muscle.
Legit Goons – Junk Drunk Love
When Deepflow eating a hamburger is the most interesting thing about a song and video you know you’ve got quality issues.
Sik-k, ph-1, Jay Park – Iffy
Whenever you hear that “groove it area” or whatever the fuck it is at the start of a song, you know you can just stop listening, safe in the knowledge that you’re not missing anything of interest.
Rocoberry – Bob Shou Wa
In a country where most of our own TV animal mascots were eventually arrested for pedophilia, this shit just creeps me out.
Skilleto – Get High
My god it’s every DJ Muggs production from the early 90s compressed into one song, didn’t expect that.
Yoon Hyun Sang – Silhouette
If only the song was as fast as their keyboard skills.
Jisoo – Vague
Vague indeed. This song doesn’t even know what type of boring it wants to be.
Gugupapa – Last Day Of The Month
Gugudan’s fathers thought they’d drop a song with some advice to help the girls in Gugudan deal with their monthly cycle. You can’t knock that for solid parenting.
Sway.D ft Superbee & Goretexx – All I Got
The green shapes off to the side are to help you aim better if you want to bottle him off the stage.
Jannabi – She
Hofner instruments are rubbish. That bass guitar in the video goes for about $5000 even in shit condition nowadays just because Paul McCartney played one in The Beatles, but the price has got nothing to do with the quality that’s for sure. The fact is Hofner were cheap student-grade instruments back in the day and back when the Beatles first started out they all had them because they couldn’t afford anything actually good, as soon as they started making money they bought decent instruments instead. The only reason Paul still played his stupid Hofner was because it was the only electric bass available at the time that didn’t look fucking stupid when played left-handed. Trust me, I own a pre-Beatles Hofner guitar and that’s dogshit too, it plays like ass, it’s not even built properly, it even fell apart once because I visited a friend who lived about 300 metres higher in elevation than me and the guitar couldn’t handle the change in air pressure, then I had to glue the fucking overrated piece of shit back together. Something like a Squier Affinity strat is miles better than the student instruments of the 1960s, there’s a reason why Squier and Epiphone is in every guitar store and Hofner isn’t.
SPECIAL BONUS RETRO SONG
Produce 101 – Pick Me
I didn’t write about this song much when it came out because it was too boring and shit to really even rate a mention and I didn’t assume that people were so suckered in by Korean reality TV bullshit that they’d actually care about this crap. More fool me as everyone leaned against the fecal trough to take another lick of the runny distended turds shat out from the k-pop hate machine. Notice how occasionally they zoom in on some random girl individually? How many of those girls who they zoom in on individually actually made it into I.O.I? It’s not a rhetorical question, I really don’t know the answer because I find all the I.O.I girls to be bland as fuck and can barely even tell them apart, but I’m willing to guess quite a few, and I’m also willing to guess that’s not a coincidence. There’s nothing random about any of this, it’s as regimented as those triangle formations. K-pop companies hate you. This song is their contempt for you, with 101 girls emotionally ground down for your entertainment into a singular prism of disdain.
That’s all for this week, more songs rounded up next week! In the meantime don’t forget to do the Kpopalypse survey if you haven’t, you’ve still got a few days to fill it out! Until next time, caonimas!