It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Hyuna – Babe
Hyuna takes a crack at IU’s conceptual territory because she’s just as sick as you are of closet pedophile “concerned fans” trying to make her act more “innocent” so they can fap, but unfortunately her version of the end result isn’t even as good as when IU did it. At least it’s not another yolo comeback, gotta be thankful for that at least.
Lee Gikwang – What You Like
Evidently Lee Gikwang doesn’t know what I like, or he wouldn’t have been the 78th k-pop artist to try tropical shithouse this year.
IZ – All You Want
What’s the bet that these kids don’t even know how to drop a needle onto vinyl properly. You can tell by the way they hold it. Don’t get your dirty fingerprints all over the playing surface you greasy little fucks.
IM – Sad Story
At least there’s some electric guitar in this crap ballad. What’s with the shit two-letter group names though, why is this a trend.
Good Day – Rolly
Something about this song doesn’t quite fit together, it’s probably the I-IV-I progression and 50s rock feel of the “Lolly” part combining with the typically k-pop everything else.
Golden Child – DamDaDi
That “oh yeah!” is a well-known and no doubt illegally-snatched sample but watch k-pop fans make absolutely no noise about this, because this is a new boy group.
10cm – Phonecert
Miso – Pink Lady
Hey boys and girls it’s one of the Girls Girls girls, from Girls Girls’ “Girls Girls“.
Black6ix – Like A Flower
I crossed my fingers as it started building up the chorus: “please let it not be tropical shithouse this time, please please please….” – oh well. Better luck next time I guess.
Junho – Fine
Fangirls couldn’t fap to this lyric video with no Junho images, and the song is boring, so what’s the point of it?
Vixx LR – Whisper
What does LR stand for? Lazy Rubbish? Leftover Rejects? Lame Reviews?
Zsum ft. Nari – Ah Yah So Nice
More toot toot fucking balls but at least the video has some nice prim and proper dance moves.
Dreamcatcher – Sleepwalking
Dreamcatcher go for a late 90s drum & bass influenced sound, and incredibly make one of the worst styles of music in history actually work. Can they do no wrong?
Henry – That One
Henry has had some good songs through the years. This isn’t one of them.
Rose – Picture
If I was singing or playing on this I’d want my face kept in permanent shadow too.
Pentagon – When I Was In Love
It’s considerate how this trash is only two minutes long. Most ballads are twice that length so I appreciate them wasting 50% less of my time than usual.
Trei – Up
I loaded this song up to review it and started reading something else on the Internet and then forgot that this was even on.
U-Kwon & P.O – Winner
It’s like Block B Bastarz with most of the bastarz removed.
Taeil – Lost & Found
Taeil’s song is far worse though. I guess Taeil is the designated “boring ballad” member of Block B.
Jackson Wang – Pavillion
Okay well that settles that – Jackson can’t rap.
10cm – Help
Okay so this is more in keeping with 10cm’s usual garbage music. No wonder Korean Indie is an alcoholic, you would be too after listening to three albums of this crap.
Yeseo – Silhouette
This girl’s very non-Gangnam looking face is fascinating, pity the song isn’t.
Jessica – Starry Night
Look at this grainy, crusty video. It’s almost as if YouTube isn’t her best friend.
K-Bridge – Dream-O-Clock
Snore-o-clock, they’re not fucking kidding.
Lee Seung Hwan – God Of Money
I can’t remember which awful western song this is ripping off but it sucks.
Dean ft. Yerin Baek – Come Over
Even when Dean gets a semi-reasonable-almost-not-shit beat he can’t do anything decent over the top of it.
Jeong Sewoon & Sik-K – Just U
GroovyRoom are one of k-pop’s worst producers. Even with something relatively upbeat like this they still manage to fuck it up.
Moon Yirang ft. Hoody – Aphasia
Remember last week when that Hoody song came out that was actually almost listenable? I knew that wouldn’t last.
Crush – With Band Wonderlust
SPECIAL BONUS WASTE-OF-TIME SHIT R&B SONGS FROM PRIMARY THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT SECTION
Primary ft. Yang Yoseop – Tukk
Primary is probably the best producer in Korea, but only when he wants to be. Most of the time he’d rather just do this bullshit R&B/funk-lite crap than anything actually good.
Primary ft. Solji – Diet
Even when he goes for the retro 80s feel he still layers it with so much R&B funk bullshit that the result is just uninteresting. Why even bother.
Primary ft. Soyou – Right?
I think Primary just lives to annoy me. We could be listening to another “Don’t Be Shy” but we aren’t, because Primary is too much of a faggot bitch.
Primary ft. JB – Hush
I don’t know what the point of him releasing all these songs at once is, but they all suck.
Primary ft. Kim Sungkyu – Drama
Imagine being so highly esteemed that you could work with anyone in k-pop you wanted, doing any song you like, and picking this type of trash.
Primary ft. Sandeul – Pick Up
I wonder if he makes this kind of crap by 100% creative choice or if he actually wants to do something proper but someone is paying him megabucks not to. Either way it’s probably Korean music’s greatest musical crime.
SPECIAL BONUS RETRO SONG
Hyuna – Bubble Pop
Today my girlfriend showed me a “k-pop parody” which was some desperately unfunny skit from Family Guy (which is always desperately unfunny – basically The Simpsons mixed with South Park for people too stupid to understand either, and with the second layer of humour removed from both and replaced with boring, weak “bipartisan” political soapboxing for dunderheaded American TV audiences) and it was that dumb one copying Hyuna’s song that I’m sure you’ve all seen. I told her “this might make more sense for you and be a little funnier if you’ve seen the original”, so I put on Hyuna’s “Bubble Pop” and played that to her. After we got through about the first chorus I turned it off, as I realised that it was a pointless exercise as I remembered that nothing could help make something as lame as Family Guy become anything even approaching funny. Also the song was annoying her at that point and I can’t really blame her, I wasn’t going to defend it. I remember liking “Bubble Pop” when I first got into k-pop but in retrospect I think it was just Hyuna’s (natural, at that time) tits that I liked and the song was just something extra I could tolerate in the background while watching them bounce around. That accordion-grinding noise that cuts in at the end of every eight bars is by far the best thing about the actual music, and the fact that the first appearance of the noise coincides with the video’s biggest boob bounce is probably what sold me on the song for an entire year or two before I realised that there was actually nothing else in there to listen to.
That’s all for Kpopalypse roundup this week – more next week!