Hi gang, it’s Kpopalypse here, to tell you about some fun and exciting changes to Kpopalypse blog!
Recently at the request of several caonimas, I started the process for verification of the Kpopalypse account on Twitter. I was initially against the idea, but I’m nothing if not an open-minded caonima who is carefully considering your feedback and suggestions at all times, so I’ve decided to take the scary plunge.
I had a look at the criteria for Twitter verification and I believe I qualify easily, but I also think I might increase my chances of earning that coveted blue tick against my name if I tidy up my act as a
respected celebrity asshole blogger a bit. I honestly probably do have a bit of a black mark against my name, and it’s entirely my own fault, as I only just recently got my account back after a brief suspension from Twitter for calling Netizenbuzz a faggot bitch in response to one of her articles. Of course we all know thanks to Netizenbuzz’s educational editorialisation that the term “faggot bitch” is a harmless phrase used loosely and commonly and only means “loser” or “idiot” and that she would surely be appreciative of my desire to remind her of Block B’s Zico, but I can’t expect a big corporation like Twitter to have time to research and understand this important context, so they probably just assumed I was being mean to her. While you lovely readers all know that I do have lots of love for Netizenbuzz, this brief suspension still probably means that I now have to work extra-super-hard to get that life-changing blue tick, so I thought now would be as good a time as any to turn over a new leaf and turn Kpopalypse blog into the tolerant, caring, loving, bunny-hugging, cats-out-of-trees-getting, sensitive, respectful blog that you all secretly crave.
So, what changes can you expect on Kpopalypse blog for the future? Well, I have reflected and returned with a more mature image, which will mean the following:
Reflection outcome #1 – certain slur words will no longer be used
Gosh, Reddit/kpop has been asking for this one for a long time. It’s high time that I heeded the call of the mild and toned down my language a bit. Here is a list of slur words that will no longer be used on Kpopalypse blog.
Talent – clearly this word is unacceptable as it discriminates against people without talent, by making them feel bad that they will never be talented, this creates a society where only talented people have opportunities, which is very discriminatory against certain k-pop groups and pop groups in general. The use of the word “talent” also discriminates against people with talent by holding them up to contemptuous ridicule and singling them out for potential derision. You may not know that the word “talent” has a little-known mean history that goes back hundreds of years where people who were incapable of doing very much of anything except making some weird mouth noises had their genitals mutilated and were then called “talented”. We should respect this important history – you may not have been aware of it but now you are thanks to the educational powers of Kpopalypse blog, so we can all now become better people and stop using the word. “Talent” will no longer be used on Kpopalypse blog, it will be replaced with “The T-word” in rare situations where I need to use it, or maybe I will substitute some letters for asterisks or other symbols. Of course, you will all know that I mean to write the word “talent” anyway, but remember that with slur words, the context and meaning of their use is never important, only that the correct order of letters in a word is not specifically adhered to so as to not offend anyone.
Allkpop – using the word “Allkpop” may offend people who do not wish to be reminded that Allkpop exists, such as Asian Junkie, Anti Kpop-Fangirl, and Ailee. I do not wish to offend any of these people, therefore the word Allkpop is now classified a slur word and will no longer be referred to directly on Kpopalypse blog for the remainder of the 72-month Kpopalypse boycott period that began with Aileegate in November 2013. After the boycott expires, CEO Johnny Noh will undergo a strict performance review and the future viability of his website for Kpopalypse discussion will be assessed. Until this time, Allkpop will continue to be referred to as “The Great Satan”, “the website which dare not speak its name”, “the website that should not be”, etc.
Slay – the word “slay” will no longer be used on Kpopalypse blog, unless as part of the compound word “Slayer”, which will still be considered acceptable usage if accompanied by links to songs from Slayer albums. Other uses of the word “slay” remain forbidden, this word has now become a “slur” on Kpopalypse blog which bestows upon it magical properties of offending anybody at all at any time for any reason regardless of context or usage patterns, so you’d better not use it from now on or you are a bad person who will be shamed into silence and serial-downvoted wherever you go on the Internet regardless of the content or intent of your activities.
Hopefully this should be enough to please Twitter, but I am not averse to banning more slurs if needed, such as “sport”, “harmonica”, “yolo” and “trop-house”. These words remain acceptable for now but their status may be reviewed at a later date should they enter popular culture’s constantly morphing problem zone of problematic problematicism.
Reflection outcome #2 – no more “rolls”
Kpopalypse will immediately cease the following “rolls”:
Rick-roll – linking to Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” under false pretences
Force-roll – linking to A-Force’s “Wonder Woman” under false pretences
Tinker-roll – linking to ChoColat’s “Black Tinkerbell” under false pretences
Busker-roll – linking to Busker Busker’s “Cherry Blossom Ending” under false pretences
Cunt-roll – linking to various Anal Cunt songs under false pretences
Faggot-bitch-roll – linking to Zico’s “Tough Cookie” under false pretences
Showtime-roll – linking to Little PSY’s “Show Time” under false pretences
Fat-roll – actually, linking to UV & Shindong’s “Marry Man” is completely acceptable and will continue.
The definition of “will not link under false pretences” is subject to variation but basically can be interpreted to mean “I will never do this, unless deemed absolutely necessary, or I think it’s funny, or I want to”. This firm commitment is important to show Twitter that Kpopalypse is all about integrity.
Reflection outcome #3 – Kpopalypse will no longer write for Asian Junkie
I love Asian Junkie, it’s a site you should all visit, as I do often. Sure, I give him lots of shit, and he returns the favour, and this will no doubt continue, but I still love him in the way that you still love your older sister after you pee in her porridge milk and she drinks it and throws up and then leaves her maxipads in your goldfish bowl and poisons all your fish in revenge. However I’ve decided to stop writing for Asian Junkie, because I’m concerned that writing for such an uncouth site of ruffians might reflect on Kpopalypse negatively for Twitter blue-tick purposes. I don’t want the new pristine Kpopalypse image to be sullied by someone who:
- Believes in eugenics
- Posts porn
- Is a furry
- Spreads bullying rumours about underage girls
- Is a terrorist
- Likes baseball
- Doesn’t stan Betsy enough
Also because I’m turning over a new leaf, I think this change will help Asian Junkie too – it takes a bit of the pressure off him to have to consider editing my extremely lengthy utter bullshit into something that vaguely looks like an article on a site that people actually might read, if I simply remove the option from the table. That way he can stop feeling guilty (as I know he does, deep in his deepest secret heart) when I harass him about publishing only three articles of mine per year after removing half the jokes. Actually come to think of it, this isn’t really much of a change as he never publishes anything of mine anymore anyway (can’t blame him, to be honest). Note that I’ll probably still continue to link to 57 Asian Junkie articles in each and every article of mine, because as problematic as he is, he’s probably still light years better than this blog plus whatever other bullshit sites you’re reading besides my rubbish. So really it’s just business as usual. Moving on.
Reflection outcome #4 – no more objectification of certain body parts
Thanks to this enlightening article from Seoulbeats I have seen the error of my objectifying ways and I have decided from this day forth to stop objectifying ribcages. No more will Kpopalypse salivate over bone contours protruding through sinewy starving flesh like a concentration camp detainee. I understand that “death camp victim” is an unhealthy beauty standard to be upholding, so I won’t be doing that anymore. Actually, I’m pretty sure I never did that in the first place, but since I get accused of a bunch of other shit that I don’t actually do on a fairly regular basis, I might as well just post this here as well to be clear that bony ribcages are not cool and Kpopalypse is not a problematic pro-ana cesspool like certain other k-pop sites. There’s no way Twitter is going to blue-tick me once CEO whatshisface sees Wendy’s ribcage.
Reflection outcome #5 – no more following of wacky extremist religions
Due to Raina from Orange Caramel’s recent surgery which has made her look like a cross between Jisook, IU and a shaved tadpole, Kpopalypse has realised that Raina is in fact a mere mortal prone to foolish decisions as much as any other Korean pop idol. Sensing this newly-uncovered lack of divine wisdom, Kpopalypse has lost faith and is no longer a follower of Rainaism. This now means:
- When people say negative things about Raina I actually have to listen instead of just yelling “silence the infidel”
- I don’t get to bully people around me with different belief systems into modifying their behaviour in order to “respect my beliefs”
- I’ll have to think of something to do with all those tithes
- Twitter might like me more now that I’m no longer a wacky cult member
Of course being a feeble-minded k-pop fan with no rationality or sense of discernment, I’m very open to forming a new religion depending on whichever k-pop company is brainwashing me successfully at any given moment, but I might wait until after my Twitter account hits verified status before discovering enlightenment again, or at least before finalising it in blog form.
Hopefully whether I am blue-ticked by the Twitter gods or not, these changes enable all of you lovely readers to enjoy Kpopalypse blog even more than before! Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon!