It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out this week’s new releases!
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Choerry – Love Cherry Motion
You can add “Love Cherry Motion” to the obscure sex jargon bank along with “Cleveland Steamer“, “Blumpkin“, “Alabama Hot Pocket” etc. I think a “Love Cherry Motion” is when your one true love cums in your ass, and then you poop it out on the floor and you both stare at the poop with the jizz on it and hold hands and think about how much your relationship means to each other.
Myteen – Amazing
They’re obviously planning for some Gfriend-style fame-boosting faceplants with that water stage. K-pop agencies can be so cruel.
LaBoum – Only U
The song is good but those horrible blue outfits have to go. They just underline the fact that I was unfortunately wrong about them before and LaBoum aren’t being fed enough.
JJ Project – Tomorrow, Today
Now that GOT7 have got somewhat of a foothold, JYP knows people will start to give a fuck about JJ Project now. JYP is smart, he is no joke.
P.O.P – Catch You
A Nintendo Gameboy isn’t an orienteering tool you dumb bitch. You can’t even play Pokemon Go on the fucking thing. By the way do people still play that, or have enough people been murdered by catching wild Faggochus on the bad side of town to learn their lesson?
Dreamcatcher – Fly High
Minx’s heavy metal-influenced reconfiguration as Dreamcatcher is the best thing ever and hopefully they stick with this.
Nell – Broken
Nell make a concerted effort to become less boring and it’s appreciated. Keep trying, guys.
GroovyRoom ft. Jay Park & Heize – Sunday
I like how Jay Park has a compass on his neck now so if you find yourself with him and he starts singing one of his songs you know which direction to go to get the fuck out of there.
Monsta X – Newton
After scooping the results in the 2017 Kpopalypse Objectification Survey, Monsta X are back with their most fanservicey song and video yet. Speaking of which, I promise I’ll really try to do that “healthy porn for women” post this month, okay?
Charli Taft – Love Like You
Good news: one of the songwriters for Red Velvet now has her own song. Bad news: she’s the one who produced all those “smooth” Red Velvet songs that sucked.
EXO-CBX – It’s Running Time
This is for one of those lame CGI cartoon things and I really don’t care about it but at least it has some guitar which puts it in the upper category of EXO songs already.
Elris – My Star
Apink without Shinsadong Tiger’s songwriting and production smarts is about 43% less twinkly.
The East Light – I Got You
This is some real Fisher-Price cheap shit, musically. You could do this for $50, seriously. Why aren’t you? Inspiring.
MXM (Brandnew Boys) – Good Day
Today is a good day to not listen to this song.
Jooheon & I.M – Be My Friend
Speaking of Monsta X, here’s some more. Ladies, never let it be said that I don’t cater to you. And people still call me sexist. Tsk tsk.
Park Won – All Of My Life
I saw the opening bed scenes and thought “wow that’s bold for Korea” and then I realised that it was actually a man and a woman, not two guys. I’m actually let down. I want you gay guys to have porn just as much as you do. Porn for all, that’s my motto.
Offonoff ft. Dean – Gold
In Australia you couldn’t have this video, it would get banned for promoting dangerous cycling. There’s a real witch-hunt on cyclists where I live right now and this video isn’t helping. Stay in the bike lane and stop making the rest of us look bad you yolo dickhead.
Offonoff – Boy
At least this sleepytime R&B is indoors where it’s safe and these yolofucktards can’t hurt anybody.
Clon – Go Tomorrow
It’s that “happy house” shit or whatever it’s called. Hey at least they have a cool logo and dance! You can’t not love this dance even though it takes 0% skill, it’s the dance equivalent of Twice’s singing – basic as fuck but fun as fuck.
Turbo – Hot Sugar
K-pop videos are way more creepy about the shit that I’m just being candid and honest about. Go check yourselves, haters. Seriously.
Doa – Just One Day
Just one day without a k-pop piano ballad being released. I crave it.
Jang Heewon – Badminton
Badminton is stupid. “Let’s have tennis and remove the only interesting thing about the game, and replace it with this parachute thing”, who the fuck thought of that?
Loopy & Nafla – Internet War
Internet war? Sounds like they’re having a go at their haters. Rap music is always at it’s best when the rappers are pissed off. Let’s hate on them some more so they continue to do quality tracks like this and not weak soft shit.
Buzz – The Love
I literally yawned just now. Sad times for Korean music.
Chaboom – Lord Of The Flies
Look at this dude. He’s not dressed hip-hop at all. That’s when you know it’s some real good shit. The best rappers always dress like some guy who works in a warehouse packing boxes for a living, they don’t need stupid chains and shit, they know they can fuck you up just with words.
SPECIAL BONUS RETRO SONG
EXO – Mama
I don’t watch Game Of Thrones, but my partner fucking loves it. Yesterday she was watching some epic fight scene while I was making dinner, and I’ve got to admit that it was incredibly well-done, with tons of gore and bone-severing fun, astoundingly well-crafted ultra-violent chaos. I stopped making food several times just to watch people get stabbed and run around with their intestines trailing behind them, it was great, it’s easy to see why the series is so popular. Anyway I had the thought that while Lord Anusripper’s army of tea-drinking nordic douchebags were kicking the ass of Sir Scrufflemcfuck and the sweaty homeless losers (sorry I don’t know the names of these cunts, like I said I don’t actually watch it), it would be ultra rad if the twelve original EXO members turned up in their monk outfits and start shooting Emperor Palpatine-style lightning rays at everything and fucking shit up, and making people’s brains explode inside their electrically conductive helmets. They could CGI the blood coming out and it could spray in the shape of the EXO logo on some dead soldier’s still-fresh severed buttcheeks and it would look great. Also it would be a good way for SM to get rid of the ex-members, they could be scripted to die in combat in really gory but fanservicey ways that EXO fans would dig, like in that stupid horror film with Paris Hilton in it where she basically gets impaled on a cock. Anyway, just a thought I had. Carry on listening, folks.
That’s all for this week’s roundup – more next week!