It’s time once again for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some more new releases!
Snuper – The Star Of Stars
Snuper go all-out on the tropical shithouse sound, this is about 10 songs worth of tropical toot-toot ballsack in one song, which actually makes it wrap all the way around the shit scale to become good again as it meets “extremity” standards (see here). If you’re going to embrace this sound you might as well go all the way with it instead of trying to do lame “fusions”.
KNK – Rain
I’ve been playing Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds a lot this week (thanks to the caonima who recommended that one) and these guys’ anguished faces as they run through the rain reminds me of when I’m running away from some asshole who I can’t even see who is shooting at me, except unlike this video I typically last about 0.2 seconds instead of three minutes.
KARD – Hola Hola
This is just like all their other bullshit and you already know whether you like this or not before you even listen to it so why even bother.
Akdong Musician – Dinosaur
AKMU have the right idea – they actually sing the toot-toot melody themselves instead of getting the toot-toot machine to do it. Also Suhyun is hot now, seriously. Would run along a beach with.
EXO – Ko Ko Bop
What’s with all the reggae comebacks lately. Reggae isn’t that good, people.
Okdal – Coming Of Age
More like a coming in my pants. Well-dressed nerdy girls playing violins are hot. Wait, this IS a girl, right? Fuck it, I’ve decided that I don’t even care.
Kimoxavi – Killin’ It
Somehow these guys break the yolo rulebook by having shit beats yet being good anyway.
Live High – Kung Dari Sha Bah Rah
Deliriously fun and only slightly incompetent. I like it.
Parc Jae Jung & Mark – Lemonade Love
All I can think of when listening to this is that “lemonade love” sounds like slang for a “golden shower” after you’ve drunk a whole lot of sparkling cider and now every time I hear this I just think about these two guys doing water sports porn. I’m sure at least some of you are into that and are fapping right now.
Dayday ft. Gray, Jay Park – Call Me
This song is enough to make me turn my mobile off forever.
Jay Park & Dok2 – Most Hated
“This that shit that you motherfuckers hate”, they say in the intro. Well there’s no need to continue listening after that sentence, is there.
San E ft Bolbbalgan4 – Mohae
Can JYP clear out a cell in the dungeon and sign him up again? Seven year contract perhaps?
Lee Jin Ah – Random
Oh boy. They really took the song title to heart by inserting all sorts of Frank-Zappaish segues into this one. I recommend watching the live version for the full effect.
Jay Park ft. Sik-K – Yacht
Signing to Dickheads R Us or whatever his new label is clearly isn’t going to change anything.
Skull & Haha ft. G. Soul – Nora
No really, stop with the reggae. Reggae is actually really boring, unless it’s dub reggae. This isn’t dub reggae so take it away.
Jung Yonghwa ft. Loco – That Girl
Two completely different average songs sandwiched together does not make one better than average song.
Vincent & Roses – Seat Belt
Wow, these guys know how to use the Shure Super 55 correctly, oh my gosh this means the might be actual musicians rather than models who someone gave songs to, imagine that.
Gugupapa – Daddy’s Tables Song
Gugudan are too busy to learn any fucking maths because they’re busy blowing their CEO or whatever so their dads got together and did this song for them to sing along to so their daughters would still be employable after they hit 23.
Geeks – Woo
Yeah, that’s my reaction too. Woo. Woo.
Trei – Fame
Well at the time of watching this has 25k views which is above Nugu Alert threshold so I guess they got their wish for “fame” or whatever. Don’t buy those sports cars all at once, kids.
Eve – Killing Monday
Ugh. Even Visual Kei can do way better than this.
SPECIAL BONUS RETRO SONG
Nine Muses – Dolls
Remember back when there were actually nine Nine Muses? It’s a stark reminder that the biggest miracle of Girls’ Generation’s career wasn’t their great songs during the Golden Age or even Sunny’s tits, but the fact that they actually managed to stay together as nine girls for all that time until Jessica jumped the shark. Get any nine women anywhere and put them in the same room for a few years on end and there’ll be broken promises, ostracision, hair-pulling and face scratches galore. Any girl group anywhere that says that they all get along is just fucking lying. They always use narrative sleight-of-hand on TV to say stuff like “we get along like sisters” which sounds so cozy and nice on the surface but what they really mean is “I stabbed my sister in the eye with an emery board once and I’d do the same to these bitches in a heartbeat”. Remember it.
That’s all for Kpopalypse roundup for this week – more new songs next week!